Accidently slept with someone else

[susanfollows]

Hello there, I've been looking everywhere for some insight into my situation but have come up with only more questions. I was hoping for any advice you girls can give me about things that have happened recently.

 

I met my current boyfriend around 8 weeks ago. I'm a 29 year old business grad and we met while I was out at a nearby coffee shop. He was there too getting a latte for everyone in his office. I live in Los Angeles so it's a big city and I meet people all the time but he was different. I bought my coffee and was out of change and he offered to help (it was a small amount). I thought that would be the end of it but later he said he'd like me to pay it back and could I meet him for coffee sometime? Well I'd just gotten out of a bad relationship with a man that I worked with and so I thought it might be to soon, however I agreed.

 

Honestly it was mostly getting to know eachother for the first few weeks, we'd taken to having coffee together regularly as his office was within walking distance of mine. As time went on I learned more about him, 38 (very good looking) and he owned a small business (which intrigued me). I like my man to have abit of a head on his shoulders and this one certainly seemed to have all the eggs in one basket. Finally I ended up at his place and we made out (but no sex). Only around 3 dates after this we finally has something physical going and it felt like my old life was behind me.

 

I admit I've frequented bars alot out here because I enjoy having a good time, but Sam was different. He was really shy except toward me and I saw he felt he could trust me. I learned later he'd suffered with depression and had not had the best of luck with women (he was a virgin till he met me). I really thought it was going wonderful and then he started to distance abit, I felt he was trying to avoid me but I was scared to say anything. About a week went by and I heard nothing even though I'd been texting like crazy and finally I slipped back into self-doubt mode. I thought he'd lost interest.

 

I decided to go back clubbing and I called my friends up and we went out, trying to forget about Sam and move on. It was there I hooked up with a guy (after I got abit wasted) and we went to his place and, well, we had sex. I don't know what I was thinking but I needed to have some fun and was so disappointed Sam didn't seem interested anymore. So the next night I went back and danced with the same guy who bought me drinks and kept giving me compliments saying how cute I was, it felt good.

 

The problems came later when I got a message from Sam, not just one but several texts. Somehow my cell phone company had messed up and they were held back from being sent, completely stunned me. I read them and it was all about how he'd had such a great time and he wanted to see me when he got back from this new office they'd opened in another city. He'd mentioned it before but I never knew when it was going to open or that he'd just be busy like that. I read these messages and I felt terrible, my heart sank.

 

Now I'm stuck and not sure whether to tell Sam what happened (which would make me look like a slut) or just try and forget it ever happened. The guy doesn't know much about me I slept with and so can't really do anything to mess things up. But I am still unhappy about it, and Sam was a virgin before he met me, how can I possibly explain this to him? Would he even believe me?

 

Alright so that's the situation, I'm hoping for someones advice here. Did I go to far and screw things up permanently?

Edited January 27, 2011 by susanfollows

[PegNosePete]

How the hell can you accidentally sleep with someone? You did what you did because you wanted to.

 

Why did you not call Sam and ask what is the status of your relationship, before going out and banging another guy? Can your phone not make outgoing voice calls? If you really liked him then you would not have cheated on him. If not hearing from him for a whole week (!) causes you to go pulling other blokes then you really did not care about Sam at all. So do him a favour, tell him what you did, and take it from there.

[Woman In Blue]

A goodlooking, 38 year old man whose a VIRGIN? I wouldn't believe that story for a second. Sorry. I think someone's pulling your leg.

 

I thought you were 21 when I started reading about the 'clubbing' and having sex with some random club jerk you met, then I had to go back re-read that you're actually 29. Good Christ.

 

Are you sure it was your phone company holding back the messages? Something just doesn't smell right about the 38 year old guy. Sorry.

[Ross PK]

People now even end up having sex by accident?!

 

Jesus, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but you guys just don't realise how lucky you are! (Coming from a 35 year old guy who has never so much as had an indicator of interest from a woman).

[alexandria35]

Okay first of all there is no such thing as having sex by accident.

 

A good looking 38 yr old man who owns his own business and he's a virgin? :lmao:

Sorry but I find that one very hard to believe.

[edgeofdarkness]

of corse hes a virgin he sells time-saher caves in outer siberia in siberia the age of consent is 35 so its possible

 

and its even possible she accuidentally fell on sumones dick while she wsnt looking wher she was going. it happens all the time, i couldent help it it just happened we get that all the time here right....?

 

so cut the girl sum slack it all sounds perfecly feasable to me.....

 

sorry but i accidentally red the thread and accidentally began to lauhgh.

sorry..

[PegNosePete]

and its even possible she accuidentally fell on sumones dick while she wsnt looking wher she was going. it happens all the time, i couldent help it it just happened we get that all the time here right....?

Yes it does seem to happen a lot! I must try putting banana skins on the pavement and lying naked nearby...

[Lucky_One]

I will answer your post seriously. I, for one, still believe that people can be virgins for a long, long time. I do agree that you titled your post poorly; it was not an accident to have sex with someone else. I have also had cell messages that did not come in as they should have, and I have also not wanted to call a man, if I was not getting responses.

 

Personally, I would forget the incident with the guy at the club happened. (I am assuming, of course, that you used condoms, and that you have no worries about pregnancies or STDs.) You and Sam have not discussed your R as to whether or not you were in a monogamous, committed BF/GF, and so really, no "rules" were broken, except for the ones in your own mind. Sometimes people seek comfort, whether from a bottle, a stranger's arms, the arms of a friend; I think you have discovered that the temporary high you get from physical contact from a stranger is ultimately pretty hollow.

 

People make mistakes - sometimes really stupid ones - and being crucified for them doesn't really help the end situations. You also have to be willing to KNOW that if he were to confess to you that he had sex with a practical stranger while in another city that YOU would be forgiving and understanding.

[Gettingtired]

I learned later he'd suffered with depression and had not had the best of luck with women (he was a virgin till he met me).

 

If that's true, you haven't done him any favours either.

 

I decided to go back clubbing and I called my friends up and we went out, trying to forget about Sam and move on.

 

You made your mind up there by the sounds of things. To hell with Sam.

 

It was there I hooked up with a guy (after I got abit wasted) and we went to his place and, well, we had sex.

 

Usual excuse.

 

I don't know what I was thinking.

 

You decided before that's what you were going to do.

 

The problems came later when I got a message from Sam, not just one but several texts. Somehow my cell phone company had messed up and they were held back from being sent

 

Having worked within a cell phone company, this can happen. I'm guessing you never turn your phone off?

People dont seem to understand that mobile phones occasionally need restarting. I could go on, but I've left that part of my life behind 2 years ago.

 

 

 

Now I'm stuck and not sure whether to tell Sam what happened (which would make me look like a slut)

 

Well, you are a little bit of a slut. Be honest with him and face up to what you CHOSE to do.

 

 

Alright so that's the situation, I'm hoping for someones advice here. Did I go to far and screw things up permanently?

 

You did a bit. As said above why didn't you call him? Why did you chose to just sack Sam off and go meet some random in a club?

 

I'm not meaning to be a dick about it, but you brought this on yourself at the end of the day. There was 2 routes to take and you chose to please yourself and not worry about Sam.

[PegNosePete]

You and Sam have not discussed your R as to whether or not you were in a monogamous, committed BF/GF, and so really, no "rules" were broken, except for the ones in your own mind.

I still don't get this obsession with "the exclusivity talk" that some people seem to have. As if you've got a free pass to do whatever you like, no matter your or your partner's feelings, until then. We haven't had the talk therefore it wasn't cheating, yaa boo, raspberry in your face, no foul no harm, can't touch this! WTF? "Exclusivity talk" or no, if you're dating me then you keep your legs shut to others.

 

If the OP broke the rules in her own mind then surely no exclusivity discussion is required. If she regarded herself as being in a committed relationship (whether she discussed it with him or not) then she cheated by banging someone else. If she did not regard herself as being in a committed relationship then... well, why post the question in a forum?

 

Yes people make mistakes and there is indeed no point crucifying them. But there is a point to telling people that they have made a mistake and the options they have going forward. That way they can find the best way forward, and avoid the same mistake in the future.

[Gettingtired]

You and Sam have not discussed your R as to whether or not you were in a monogamous, committed BF/GF, and so really, no "rules" were broken, except for the ones in your own mind.

 

Sorry, but that's no excuse. Where's the respect in being with someone for 8 weeks and then just sacking them off and shagging someone else straightaway?

I'll admit I bit at what you said there as that was an excuse a girl used on me. Total BS to be fair.

 

If the OP can do what she did so easily she obviously doesn't like Sam as much as she thinks she does.

[sally4sara]

I want you to sit quietly and reflect over your past sexual encounters.

How many people have you slept with not because you wanted to - but as a reaction to the behavior of someone else?

 

You basically came on here and said your phone company made you sleep with some guy at the club. Do you realize how that sounds?

[Distant78]

Hello there, I've been looking everywhere for some insight into my situation but have come up with only more questions. I was hoping for any advice you girls can give me about things that have happened recently.

 

I met my current boyfriend around 8 weeks ago. I'm a 29 year old business grad and we met while I was out at a nearby coffee shop. He was there too getting a latte for everyone in his office. I live in Los Angeles so it's a big city and I meet people all the time but he was different. I bought my coffee and was out of change and he offered to help (it was a small amount). I thought that would be the end of it but later he said he'd like me to pay it back and could I meet him for coffee sometime? Well I'd just gotten out of a bad relationship with a man that I worked with and so I thought it might be to soon, however I agreed.

 

Honestly it was mostly getting to know eachother for the first few weeks, we'd taken to having coffee together regularly as his office was within walking distance of mine. As time went on I learned more about him, 38 (very good looking) and he owned a small business (which intrigued me). I like my man to have abit of a head on his shoulders and this one certainly seemed to have all the eggs in one basket. Finally I ended up at his place and we made out (but no sex). Only around 3 dates after this we finally has something physical going and it felt like my old life was behind me.

 

I admit I've frequented bars alot out here because I enjoy having a good time, but Sam was different. He was really shy except toward me and I saw he felt he could trust me. I learned later he'd suffered with depression and had not had the best of luck with women (he was a virgin till he met me). I really thought it was going wonderful and then he started to distance abit, I felt he was trying to avoid me but I was scared to say anything. About a week went by and I heard nothing even though I'd been texting like crazy and finally I slipped back into self-doubt mode. I thought he'd lost interest.

 

I decided to go back clubbing and I called my friends up and we went out, trying to forget about Sam and move on. It was there I hooked up with a guy (after I got abit wasted) and we went to his place and, well, we had sex. I don't know what I was thinking but I needed to have some fun and was so disappointed Sam didn't seem interested anymore. So the next night I went back and danced with the same guy who bought me drinks and kept giving me compliments saying how cute I was, it felt good.

 

The problems came later when I got a message from Sam, not just one but several texts. Somehow my cell phone company had messed up and they were held back from being sent, completely stunned me. I read them and it was all about how he'd had such a great time and he wanted to see me when he got back from this new office they'd opened in another city. He'd mentioned it before but I never knew when it was going to open or that he'd just be busy like that. I read these messages and I felt terrible, my heart sank.

 

Now I'm stuck and not sure whether to tell Sam what happened (which would make me look like a slut) or just try and forget it ever happened. The guy doesn't know much about me I slept with and so can't really do anything to mess things up. But I am still unhappy about it, and Sam was a virgin before he met me, how can I possibly explain this to him? Would he even believe me?

 

Alright so that's the situation, I'm hoping for someones advice here. Did I go to far and screw things up permanently?

 

Sorry if this comes out harsh but please lady, spare me the excuses. You cheated and you know that it was wrong. Not only did you end up foolishly screwing someone you didn't even know, you messed around with the guy again, and on top of that you're looking even more silly because of the cellphone issues. Again sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to tell him what you've done. It's out of your hands now. Tell him so he can make an informed, conscious decision on if he wants to continue being with you or leave you.

[moloko]

this is why I don't date women that like to go clubbing.

[2sunny]

so all the excuses show that you know you are lying to yourself to justify YOUR bad behavior.

 

either way you two are mismatched. he values sex with a gal a lot. you don't value yourself enough to NOT give the sex away easily...

 

see why you aren't a match?

 

so just tell him honestly - "we are not a good match."

 

this causes less harm to him by deceiving him into thinking you value sex the same way he does... because you don't - based on the evidence you have provided for yourself and for us.

[sally4sara]

this is why I don't date women that like to go clubbing.

 

Don't get it confused. I wasn't the club's fault; it was the phone company. You shouldn't date chicks who have cell phones.

[moloko]

Don't get it confused. I wasn't the club's fault; it was the phone company. You shouldn't date chicks who have cell phones.

 

clubs are for hooking up. people go to clubs to flirt, get attention, etc. nobody would go to a club if the opposite sex wasn't there. some will say they would, but they are lying so as to try to prove a point.

 

equating it to a phone doesn't work.

[aerogurl87]

How the hell can you accidentally sleep with someone? You did what you did because you wanted to.

 

Why did you not call Sam and ask what is the status of your relationship, before going out and banging another guy? Can your phone not make outgoing voice calls? If you really liked him then you would not have cheated on him. If not hearing from him for a whole week (!) causes you to go pulling other blokes then you really did not care about Sam at all. So do him a favour, tell him what you did, and take it from there.

 

Exactly what I was thinking, especially the last sentence. He deserves to know. I mean you didn't hear from him a week and you go out and screw some other guy because your self esteem took a slight dip? And why didn't you call him? If I were that worried about my boyfriend, I'd be blowing his phone up with phone calls, not text messages that we all know can be funny sometimes in terms of receiving and sending them.

[serialgf]

i've never said this before, but this definitely smells like a troll to me

no part of this story is believable or has any depth

i would bet this person doesn't post again

[sally4sara]

clubs are for hooking up. people go to clubs to flirt, get attention, etc. nobody would go to a club if the opposite sex wasn't there. some will say they would, but they are lying so as to try to prove a point.

 

equating it to a phone doesn't work.

 

No. I've gone to clubs plenty of times and never hooked up with anyone. And she already said it wasn't HER fault , it was the phone company's fault. So don't date chicks with cell phones if you can't assess people on a case by case basis and need to rely on faulty logic.

 

And because I'm suspecting you don't get the humor I'll make it more clear.

There is no amount of clubbing or cell phone use that indicates what a person is going to do. Its about their character and integrity. Someone with a good character and strong integrity could go clubbing every night and not cheat. A person with bad character and low integrity could never step one foot in a club and they will still find a reason and way to cheating.

[Trimmer]

clubs are for hooking up. people go to clubs to flirt, get attention, etc. nobody would go to a club if the opposite sex wasn't there. some will say they would, but they are lying so as to try to prove a point.

 

equating it to a phone doesn't work.

I think you need to turn up the gain on your sarcasm detector...

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Look, first of all it's not like you tripped and fell into her. And then out of her. And then into her again.

 

If you sleep with somebody, own it. Period. It all has to start from there.

Edited January 27, 2011 by Trimmer

[moloko]

Someone with a good character and strong integrity could go clubbing every night and not cheat.

 

sure, anything is possible, but the chances of club frequenters not going there for their validation fix is few and far between.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I will answer your post seriously. I, for one, still believe that people can be virgins for a long, long time. I do agree that you titled your post poorly; it was not an accident to have sex with someone else. I have also had cell messages that did not come in as they should have, and I have also not wanted to call a man, if I was not getting responses.

Personally, I would forget the incident with the guy at the club happened. (I am assuming, of course, that you used condoms, and that you have no worries about pregnancies or STDs.) You and Sam have not discussed your R as to whether or not you were in a monogamous, committed BF/GF, and so really, no "rules" were broken, except for the ones in your own mind. Sometimes people seek comfort, whether from a bottle, a stranger's arms, the arms of a friend; I think you have discovered that the temporary high you get from physical contact from a stranger is ultimately pretty hollow.

People make mistakes - sometimes really stupid ones - and being crucified for them doesn't really help the end situations. You also have to be willing to KNOW that if he were to confess to you that he had sex with a practical stranger while in another city that YOU would be forgiving and understanding.

 

Personally I think this is a troll, but I find your advice shocking.

 

Your advice just strikes me as morally bereft. You clearly know this guy would not be happy to find out she has been sleeping with other guys.

 

Would you really take that advice yourself? Do you really think it's Ok to lie about it just to avoid being "crucified" (dumped)?

 

Aren't you in essence actively attempting to trick someone into a long term relationship at that point?

 

I really am interested in seeing how you justify this advice.

[Lucky_One]

Would *I* take that advice? No, because I have never had a one night stand. I have only had sex with a handful of men in my life, and they were all well after dating for a few months.

 

But I have been hurt before, and confused, and sad - when all I really wanted was to have the comfort of someone's arms. One time after a really bad fight with a BF where I thought that he had broken up with me for good, I actually called an old male friend of mine who had been recently dumped by his wife and asked him to come over, and we spent the evening laying in each other's arms on the couch watching old movies. Possibly, if I were a different person, that night could have ended up with sex - but the situation didn't come up (he didn't come on to me, and I didn't initiate) and so I will never know how I would have reacted.

 

Sometimes people look for comfort in wrong places. Many times, I believe women look for companionship/snuggling/comfort, but they end up having sex - because so many men seem to want the sex part in order to give the affection part.

 

I totally agree that Sam would not be happy to know that she slept with someone else. That is why I wouldn't tell.

 

My comment about being crucified was regarding LS posters - not from being dumped by Sam if she was honest. If she tells him and if he dumps her, then she would be getting just punishment.

 

Would she be actively trying to trick someone into a LTR, if she didn't tell? No. I must be missing something, bc I don't get the question? Whether she tells or doesn't tell, there is no "tricking" someone into turning a few weeks of dating into a LTR. LTRs come from mutual agreement, time, and a whole lot of love.

[Woggle]

You should get a lawyer and sue the phone company. Who do they think they are controlling your mind like that? You are such an innocent girl and yet they keep making you do all these horrible things. Damn them to hell!