He wants to be my "best friend"

[Puffin]

...just like he has been for the entirety of our 6+ year relationship, even though he's broken my heart.

 

Backing up... He broke up with me on NYE, almost a month ago now. He said he wanted "something new." I read the "grass is greener syndrome" post on this board, and it's something along those lines. He's almost 26, doesn't want to be with the same person the entirety of his 20s, wants to experience variety. He says he can't know if we really are a perfect match until he's been with others. He also said he wants to find himself, wants alone time, etc. He wants to change things about himself and it was easier to do that by breaking up with me.

 

I was pretty blindsided, although I probably shouldn't have been - he brought up these same issues about a year earlier. But it was preceded by an argument (and we had been arguing quite a bit during that time), and we were able to talk it out. I felt like things were resolved/better. Obviously, I was wrong.

 

Anyway. He moved in with his parents 2 days later, and I didn't see him at all for the first week (he had come down with a cold). I was pretty devastated the first two weeks; since then it's been a lot of ups and downs.

 

I've read all the posts in which people said to have no contact... It hasn't been something I could do yet, because we had a lot of items and finances to sort out. Well, and beyond that - I still wanted to be with him.

 

So for the past 3 weeks we've seen each other 3-4 times per week. We sit on the couch and snuggle and watch movies, or go out on "semi-dates", where he takes me to dinner, or out to play tennis. He hugs me, is affectionate (same as he always has been), but hasn't tried anything physical "out of respect."

 

He has said "what if we were best friends for the rest of our lives?" and repeated "I don't want to lose you as a friend." I asked him if the above behavior is something he thinks is appropriate for friends, and he said no, but it's appropriate for "people who are breaking up." He said it "seems like we're both having fun hanging out."

 

And it's true - I do still have fun. He is my best friend, and the only person I feel comfortable sharing absolutely everything with.

 

I had thought for the past week or so that maybe we COULD be friends... but then something upset me today and I was confused again. Is there anyone out there who has successfully remained friends with the ex who broke up with them, without having a no contact period?

 

I do think a year (or two or three) down the line there may be a potential to get back together. Considering it from that perspective, is cutting him off the ONLY way that something like this could work? So he sees what he's lost?

 

Thanks everyone for reading my rambly post...!

[Fern]

Cut him off NOW. You're being used while he completely detaches and as soon as he meets a girl he has the 'butterflies' for, you're history. And you won't even be able to act surprised because you're COLLUDING in this whole situation. If he really wants to be friends he'll give you 6 months to properly get over him. If you want him to miss you and start feeling 'butterflies' for you again - you need to give him the space to miss having you around and see what a good thing he's losing. Right now he's having his cake and your cake and eating them both.

 

Sit him down, tell him if he's serious about being friends eventually he needs to let you get over him. Tell him you need minimum 3 months No contact between the two of you. Then STICK to it. He'll send you all the 'I miss you, why are you doing this?' texts and emails, but until he's banging down your door begging forgiveness and saying it was the worst mistake he ever made - you need to cut him off.

[comethemorning]

Oh honey, no, no, no, no, NO!!!! Do you really want to be the one as the "best friend" who hears all about the new girl in his life? Because that is what best friends do - they discuss all aspects of their lives with each other. And would you really be comfortable telling him all of your secrets, all the while wondering if he is sharing them with her? Because that is what lovers do.

 

I am completely with Fern on this one. He is using you as a crutch until someone else comes along. And you know that another woman is not going to allow him to come over 3-4 times a week to 'snuggle' on the couch and watch movies etc. Sort out the finances (without the physical contact of any sort), and then go NC to begin your healing process. Yes, it is going to be hard and hurt like he11, but better on your terms than to be blindsided when the inevitable happens.

 

I am amongst the group of people that doesn't believe that when there was that depth of feelings for someone, you can be friends right away. Not until enough time has passed and you are completely over him. Until that time comes, you would always be wondering and waiting for him to come back to you (consciously or sub-consciously). And you would not be able to move on in your own life. You are worth so much more than to be the 'back-up-girl'.

 

Good luck hun.

 

Peace.

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS

 

Your recitations of your experiences on the couch remind me of many such similar occurrences when in the 'friend zone'. No matter what the circumstances, that zone is an unhealthy place to be. Some people, whether consciously or unconsciously, say and do things to keep another person in that zone, because that other person provides their id with validation and emotions they desire. It's a completely selfish act, which doesn't mean it's bad. People are naturally selfish. They must learn to care beyond themselves. When one enters a relationship, one moderates one's selfishness and balances it with love and care for another. Upon breaking up, such dynamics revert.

 

Reading the linked thread in my signature can help you start the healing process. It might sound selfish but, right now, that's the healthy balance.

 

A six year relationship is a long time, longer than some marriages. My sympathies.

[Puffin]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

 

It's difficult because we had a fantastic relationship, and we have always been best friends. The breakup was devastating, but mostly civil; he's tried to be kind. He says he'll love me and care about me forever. I'm under no illusion that that implies we'll definitely get back together, or that he wants to get back together.

 

I do know that despite what he says, things will change between us once some other woman comes along. I think he believes that we're going to slowly pull away from each other anyway, so by the time he is dating someone, we won't be doing any "snuggling." Even so, I don't know of a woman that wouldn't be bothered by us remaining best friends.

 

I did mention a couple times to him that no contact is probably the way to go. He's argued against it, but has also said he'll respect my decision. I'm sure I'm feeling things that many other people have felt before me - wondering if no contact will make him sad for a couple days, but will be followed by him shrugging and just completely leaving me in the dust.

 

I feel like it would be easier if he had really done something to make me hate him, like cheating. I have anger towards him, but it's short lived... he can give me a hug and I'll feel fine again. I felt 10x worse that first week when I didn't see him. But maybe I felt 10x worse just because it was the first week.

 

Anyway. I do see the truth in what everyone's saying. I do think it'll be easier to heal without him around. So now I guess I need to just finalize our issues, and then start deleting contact info...

[Fern]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

 

It's difficult because we had a fantastic relationship, and we have always been best friends. The breakup was devastating, but mostly civil; he's tried to be kind. He says he'll love me and care about me forever. I'm under no illusion that that implies we'll definitely get back together, or that he wants to get back together.

 

I do know that despite what he says, things will change between us once some other woman comes along. I think he believes that we're going to slowly pull away from each other anyway, so by the time he is dating someone, we won't be doing any "snuggling." Even so, I don't know of a woman that wouldn't be bothered by us remaining best friends.

 

I did mention a couple times to him that no contact is probably the way to go. He's argued against it, but has also said he'll respect my decision. I'm sure I'm feeling things that many other people have felt before me - wondering if no contact will make him sad for a couple days, but will be followed by him shrugging and just completely leaving me in the dust.

 

I feel like it would be easier if he had really done something to make me hate him, like cheating. I have anger towards him, but it's short lived... he can give me a hug and I'll feel fine again. I felt 10x worse that first week when I didn't see him. But maybe I felt 10x worse just because it was the first week.

 

Anyway. I do see the truth in what everyone's saying. I do think it'll be easier to heal without him around. So now I guess I need to just finalize our issues, and then start deleting contact info...

 

That's possible (bolded part) - anything is possible. But the way things stand now you're just drawing the process out. He has no motivation to change his mind. If the bolded DOES happen, that's worst case scenario (and highly doubtful - he obviously cares about you a lot) and you're no worse off than you would be in 6 months or so when he meets another girl. You're just getting it over and done with quicker.

 

If you want ANY hope of saving this relationship (and sometimes a bit of distance can help show you that really, you were just scared of being lonely) then going NC is your only, admittedly slim, chance of that.

 

Youn need to be very, very string and courageous here - stonger than you've ever been in your life before. For your self respect and for the last chance at saving what the two of you had/have - cut him off. Better a lot of pain for a few months now, than the swirling whirlwind of self esteem destroying HORROR that is watching him move on with another girl while you're stuck in a limbo of wanting to 'work on it'.

 

Take it from one who has been there - it IS easier to hate him when he does something horrible like cheat, but the damage to your psyche and ego of dealing with being rejected in favour of a new partner...I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It might make it easier to get over HIM, but it makes coping with the aftermath so much more destructive to you. End it now and get out with your head held high. Make him respect you again.

[WindyWaves]

Puffin - Your breakup sounds very similar to the one I'm going through right now. We were together 8 years, we've always been great friends and enjoy eachothers company. Much like yours, at first, it was a mutual breakup and we were going to break away slowly since we were both very attached. She was my everything. For the past week or so, I thought there was a chance of salvaging the relationship. After reading numerous posts here, I know now that she's been throwing me crumbs, giving me false hopes, even though she refuses to admit it. I think because she cared about me so much and didn't want to hurt my feelings, she may done it subconciously. She really wants to stay friends. Here comes the really nasty part: She's admitted that's she's infatuated with someone else. If you continue on this path, be prepared to be absolutely broken when he tells you that he's interested in someone else. I know I was/still am.

 

Even after kissing the other person, and telling me in couples therapy that she really truly does not want to be with me, she started crying that night. She said that she felt like she was making a huge mistake. She sent me text messages the next day saying she was committed to working things out. I so happy for about two days. I had told a mutual friend about how we might have a second chance. She talked to this mutual friend who told her that I had hopes we would get back together. She got angry with me and said that she just wanted to work on our issues - not get back together. I was in shock. How could you tell someone who's been your lover for 8 years that you're committed to work on things but then say you didn't mean it in that way? Or that you just don't know yet.

 

Thank goodness I've read many posts here. I knew what I had to do. I told her that we are over. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I held myself together even though I was dying on the inside. I told her I can't wait around for her to make a decision, that I need to move on. Also, I know, deep down inside, she wants to move on but doesn't want to hurt me. I told her that there is simply no way we could break up and I would not be hurt. She can't control my feelings about this break up. No matter how much we dragged this on. Especially since she already expressed interest in someone else. It hurt me so bad and I spent the entire night crying. We still live together and have to for at least the next 6 months. I really wish I could go NC because I need that and want that so badly. I am so hurt. It's only been a day but I hurt so much everytime I see her. I don't know if we could ever be friends, at least not right now.

 

Be thankful you two can afford to live separately, we can't. Really, your ex wants out. He is just trying to be nice and doesn't want to hurt you. He thinks he is doing you a favor but he's not. It's just making it harder. He is also doing himself a favor. He does not want to be with you/commit to you but still wants come over and be comforted by you. It's not fair to you. Even though he might have the best intentions, he is using you. Go NC so you can get over him. Make a clean break and give yourself time to heal. I actually envy you that you can do this.

Edited January 28, 2011 by WindyWaves

[chinapaige]

Puffin- I definitely understand how you are feeling right now as my ex said the exact same words to me. We had been dating for about 4 and half years and it was a closer relationship than either of us had ever experienced before. When he finally told me that we were breaking up, I couldn't believe it - we had even joked in the past how we could never imagine anything that could break us up.

 

It has now been about 4 months since the break and I have moved into my own place but we have continued to hang out as friends and we did not have a no contact period. I would say that this did make it harder for me to let him go because whenever we would hang out we genuinely would have a great time together and i just couldn't understand what was missing. I felt like I couldn't let him go as a friend because as someone with no real family of my own, I had come to rely on him and his family to be there as my main form of support.

 

Now I am at the point in the "friend cycle" where he is starting to date someone and I really can't handle it. (Not to mention she is someone that I knew had feelings for him when we were together and even mentioned that he might be staying with me out of pity...) I thought that I would be alright, but just the thought of them together, even of him complimenting her or looking at her the way he used to look at me sends me into tears. I definitely feel like at this point it would be better for me and perhaps for you to let some time pass so that I someday perhaps I can have him for a friend. As long as i keep seeing him as the man that I lived with and loved for over 4 years I won't be able to be a good friend or to be happy for him, which a good friend should be. Hope this helps somewhat, and I hope that sometime soon you will start to feel better. Definitely know that there are people out there right now who feel just the way that you do and we want to help.

[Fern]

Puffin- I definitely understand how you are feeling right now as my ex said the exact same words to me. We had been dating for about 4 and half years and it was a closer relationship than either of us had ever experienced before. When he finally told me that we were breaking up, I couldn't believe it - we had even joked in the past how we could never imagine anything that could break us up.

 

It has now been about 4 months since the break and I have moved into my own place but we have continued to hang out as friends and we did not have a no contact period. I would say that this did make it harder for me to let him go because whenever we would hang out we genuinely would have a great time together and i just couldn't understand what was missing. I felt like I couldn't let him go as a friend because as someone with no real family of my own, I had come to rely on him and his family to be there as my main form of support.

 

Now I am at the point in the "friend cycle" where he is starting to date someone and I really can't handle it. (Not to mention she is someone that I knew had feelings for him when we were together and even mentioned that he might be staying with me out of pity...) I thought that I would be alright, but just the thought of them together, even of him complimenting her or looking at her the way he used to look at me sends me into tears. I definitely feel like at this point it would be better for me and perhaps for you to let some time pass so that I someday perhaps I can have him for a friend. As long as i keep seeing him as the man that I lived with and loved for over 4 years I won't be able to be a good friend or to be happy for him, which a good friend should be. Hope this helps somewhat, and I hope that sometime soon you will start to feel better. Definitely know that there are people out there right now who feel just the way that you do and we want to help.

 

China - that sounds AWFUL. You need to take your own advice!

[PSG]

Wow - I am dealing with the same thing. Except in my case it has been going on since early November. We see each other 4 to 5 times/week and talk several times a day. Hug hello and goodbye but that is it. We have both been in and out of town a lot so there were some gaps of not seeing each other but for the most part we have morphed into friends w/out any real discussion. Not sure what to do. Hang in there.

[Puffin]

I know I'll freak out if he starts dating someone. He says he doesn't want to date for awhile (I think his goal is to make friends and to have that eventually blossom into romance, like it did with us).

 

I'm going to try initiating no contact as of next Sunday. I'm moving out this weekend (I'm moving back in with my parents! ha), and our financial issues should be sorted out by Friday. I considered just completely cutting off contact out of the blue, but then decided I owe it to him and to our relationship (and potential future friendship and/or relationship) to have a talk with him. I'm sure it'll be depressing. I will try to be strong though!