Happy Beginnings....

[Minnie09]

I think it could very well be that the MM, as soon as he leaves the W, loses interest, but this is not happening here, as I understand. And it has nothing to do with the situation, but rather with a man's character IMO. Those who always want the challenge, the chasing and hunting, get bored easily in a relationship, and will always look for greener pastures. I have seen that.

Your guy doesn't seem to be that type, though.

[OWoman]

Another question for those of us with "success" stories- did anyone find that when MM left, they lost any interest? My friends, and my mother all told me as soon as he was not a challenge, as soon he left that I would lose interest and he would just be another notch on my bedpost. Personally the relationship is far more thrilling for me now, knowing we belong to eachother, not just I to him, but i'm very curious to know if anyone experienced that?

 

This was also thrown at me quite a bit during the A - "if he does leave, you'll soon be bored and looking for another MM". And actually it hasn't worked out that way at all. We're closer than ever, relishing every moment together even more so than we did when we each had our separate lives to return to. There are no longer those "other lives" to distract us from each other, so our interest has ramped up even higher on the scale (or, right off it).

 

And if the "challenge" ceases as soon as they leave, then you're not in it for them, you're in it for the conquest. There may well be such OWs out there, but you don't typically encounter them on LS (beyond the trolls).

[seren]

Hoping - I am glad to hear that your boyfriend stepped up and didn't string his soon to be XW along, like so many do. I believe that relationships after A's aren't always doomed to failiure, nor that once a cheater always a cheater. Hell, if that were the case I would be looking over at my shoulder for H to have another A!!

 

Relationships with step children can be fraught without an A in the mix, I know first hand as my H's son and I just didn't hit it off for a while, but now, we are the best of friends, I should hope so too, it has been a long time.

 

Not all marriages are succesful, I am on my third (!!) and I believe that if you (general you) aren't in love, then ending it is the best thing for all. Sure in an ideal world he would've left first, but at least the A was for love wasn't drawn out and here you are at a new beginning for all of you. It sounds like his XW has also gone on to find happiness. I hope your happy beginning has a happy ending.

[fooled once]

bentnotbroken, I'm curious what your situation is? Your response seemed awful callous- I'm merely sharing my story, and asking for similiar ones. seems to me that is what this forum is about.

 

and to address your concerns in order, it seems to me that cowardly could be more aptly used to describe someone who's been in a miserable marriage for twenty years (Miserable on BOTH sides to be sure) and not getting out of it not only to improve your own quality of life but that of your EX and children as well.

 

2) I certainly do not feel the need to have anyone other than the people I love accept my decisions. I was merely attempting to sound philosophical I suppose with my "we're only human" so maybe the line was a little silly but it definitely was not intended to put a bug in anyones a**.

 

3) we certainly can control our choices and actions! and thats exactly what him and I both did. we CHOSE love. We ACTED on love. and bent not broken- i certainly don't want to offend anyone but you sound awful bitter.

 

now, just to clarify, this was meant to be a happy thread to and for all the other OW or "used to be" OW's. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't freaking say it.

 

Here we go again Don't like a posters view, the "bitter" card gets thrown out. For a "newbie', who allegedly has only been reading a few hours, you sure come out swinging. Hmm.....

 

 

For a new person, who seems very familiar with LS, and various posters and the dynamic at times around here, I do hope you're here for the right reasons, to reach out to people who need help and not start mud flingin', starting threads that cause heavy heated dicussions that always get shutdown and then takes away from those on here who truly DO need support and encourgement, whether it be surviving the A, or getting out of the A.

 

Seems you've joined with reason and quite forceful.

 

Ditto!

 

I guess I'm a little confused? I've seen plenty of people tell their stories on this site, and seen quite a bit of reciprocation to those posts. I guess I'm not sure why my post is generating such a negative response? For A year and a half I was an OW. A very heartbroken one, and I feel like a kid on christmas morning right now. I guess i expected SOMEONE to be happy for me? or say hey me too!! lets talk about it!! I have no CLUE how my thread about being happy managed to cause such controversy or "mud flinging" but it certainly was not my intent.

 

In a few hours of reading, you have seen "plenty of people" tell their stories? Really?

 

And you get 1 - ONE - non cheerleading post and all of a sudden there is "such negative response"? really?

 

Happy for you? Happy that you slept with your MARRIED boss? Happy that you chose to insert yourself in someone else's family? Nope, sorry. How can he be your boyfriend if he is still married - and no divorce papers have been filed? Hmm..... Sounds like he is taking his sweet time in filing - most people who want a divorce FILE immediately. In my state, there was a mandatory 1 year separation yet I filed even BEFORE my ex moved out. That is how serious I was at wanting a divorce.

 

So because he alleges that his wife cheated at one time, it is okay for him to cheat with one of his MUCH YOUNGER employees? Because she allegedly did that, it makes it acceptable that he does? Sounds like both of these "cheaters" have low morals, are cowards and have little respect for others - especially the one they chose to marry.

 

 

Sid, their particular situation probably isn't one thats talked about here much. The jerk part is the cheating part, absolutely. When he figured out he wasn't satisfied he should have left, and then started something with me... But don't you agree that it would be a "jerk move" to stay? No one wants to be tolerated. We want to be loved. Both parties in his situation were "tolerating" the other, and usually just didn't see eachother. He was out, or she was out. The kids are old enough that this move did not affect them much, Sure they were a little shocked but after twenty years who wouldn't be. Now they both have a chance at happiness. Doesn't she deserve to love and be loved? Doesn't he?

 

The classy move would have been for him to end his marriage PRIOR to making out with his employee. The honorable thing for him to do would have been for him to END HIS MARRIAGE completely and legally before sleeping with his much younger employee. Sounds like he wants a young trophy on his arm.

 

You do not know the inner workings of his marriage no matter who much you like to state how their relationship was.

 

Just because kids are older doesn't mean it doesn't affect them. I could say my son wasn't affected by his dad and my divorce because he was young. But that is silly. No 2 people react the same way. In fact, many times the older the kid is the worse they take the news - especially if one party is cheating. If you think those two young men won't figure out dad was sleeping with his employee WAY BEFORE the divorce with their mom, you are sadly mistaken. Be prepared for the anger.

 

No one said the 2 married people didn't deserve to be happy. What most people find appalling is the lack of respect cheaters have for the spouse and the affair partner. Sneaking around, lying, gaslighting ... all coward moves. So he had an affair with you for 1.5 years before deciding you were worth him leaving his wife for? Yeah, that's classy.

 

Even though my original post was quite lengthy I did not post all details. impossible to do right?

 

cheating is never right, never good, two wrongs do not make a right.

 

She did, cheat first however. He only found out because she contracted something and had to tell him so he could be tested.

 

As I said two wrongs don't make a right, but this was one obviously ill-fated couple.

 

The ends don't justify the means, but they are all seriously better off.

 

You don't can't proclaim that they were an ill-fated couple. That isn't your place because you were NOT in the marital home observing what was going on. Of course you need to convince yourself that the wife is better off. I hope you feel that same way if / when he cheats on you - that you two were an ill-fated couple who began an affair when he was married and since the foundation was built on lies and deception, you shouldn't expect that it would work out years down the road.

 

Her cheating happened years ago, almost ten I believe, and the boys definitely do NOT know about that. He has great kids- i adore them. It's the only real sore subject. They love their dad and mom, and theres no hard feelings toward them, maybe a little from the college aged boy toward dad, however I really think that will go away quickly. the two of them are actually on vacation right now.

The boys and I used to be really quite close. They both loved me, before they knew who i was to dad. I was just an employee for over a year, and saw them daily during the summer. The older one was going to the same college I went to and asked me to take him around and show him things, The younger one and I would play cards and such.... and now its very strained, and of course I expected that. And that is their right- I can't imagine how I would feel, as my parents were never married. I certainly did not expect to be quite so hurt by it, or to miss them quite so much. If only life was simple.

 

My daughter on the other hand LOVES him. But then again hopefully she never has to know he was the MM and I the OW.

 

His children "loved" you? And yes, it is THEIR RIGHT to feel the way they do and when they truly uncover all the lies dad told and the fact that you betrayed the wife of the owner of the company and kept you employed, they might be even more pissed.

 

How will you deal if both of those kids tell their father they want nothing to do with him while he is with you? How will you deal with things if the kids say they will see him, but not you? That they want nothing to do with you? How will you deal if those kids tell dad to can you from your job? Do you have a timeline on how long it will be okay for his kids to not like you? You do know not to bad mouth their mother around them, right? If you do, expect severe repercussions from them.

 

Blending families is not like the Brady Bunch. It doesn't always go smooth. And it can take years. Also in NY, the alimony and c/s the MM will be paying can be pretty high. And I hope the MM is prepared for the wife to go after the business. If I was her, that is what I would do if I found out my H was sleeping with an employee. I would make him pay and we all know the soft spot on men is their wallets.

 

Hopefully, things will work out - For EVERYONE. Hopefully the kids don't continue to hurt or feel betrayed by their father. Remember, those kids have a mother. They don't need another one. And don't push them to accept all of this. It is their right to not accept it and going away with dad on vacation doesn't equate with things being okay. Many times a new wife gets the brunt of anger from the kids - and that is without cheating. With cheating, I can only image how bad they will feel and possibly strike out to make others hurt. NO ONE should be disrespectful, but at the same token, they shouldn't have to "just get over it".

 

Good luck!

[hoping4happyevrafter]

Fooled once I appreciate you taking the time to give me such a lengthy response. Just to be clear, yes I did use the word bitter. I did NOT direct it toward all BS's and, I also apologized for using it. Though to be honest i don't understand why everyone has such a problem with the word bitter? I'm bitter about a lot of things in life, and if I was the BS i'm sure I would be bitter!

 

I apologize, I did not read your whole post, as halfway through my blood pressure started rising....But to be clear, the few posters in the beginning who I bickered with a bit, all got an apology. Everything is fine, so while I appreciate your concern, why try to stir the pot again?

 

And yes fooled, I HAVE seen a lot of stories told. I didn't say they were NEW stories, but through searching through the site, I have seen many long time posters tell their stories. NOT just the OW, but the BS as well. I don't know what your particular situation is, but you will not make me feel bad for posting my story, from the OW'S point of view in the OW/OM forum.

 

And really, is this highschool? A newbie? please.

[2sure]

There are several other former OW on LS who did eventually end up married to their former MM. It DOES happen.

If it is going to happen, it happens quickly - the affair is just a part of a marriage that was already ending.

If it takes longer than that, chances are good the married partner has no real intention of changing their life - just yours.

 

Plenty of marriages end. Meeting someone else is rarely the catalyst, but for some simply a natural part of the exit if the married partner is the kind of person who requires someone to go to.

[jwi71]

Well hoping...

 

I too hope it works out for you. But I have my doubts - and some red flags.

 

Never argue? One in how many years? That's NOT healthy imo. An R with little or no conflict is a red flag. Sometimes, things are "too" smooth and, from what you post, this sounds like the case between you two - it smacks of "not real' R.

 

Personally, I do not like seeing people jump from one M to another. As was said earlier, it does not time to grieve and EVERYONE grieves the loss (I did as well). It also smacks of leaving for the OW - and thats how it will be perceived and most likely is. This is also not a good thing.

 

Do the sons know you are the OW? I can't recall if so after 4 pages...if not, you have a problem here. Actually two problems as the sons will figure out the story soon enough that you went from employee to home wrecker (home wrecker in their eyes). This WILL cause some resentment - this was their MOTHER you hurt - again, that's how I think you will be seen. The second part is HOW and WHEN to tell the boys. Because every opportunity passed may be seen as a lie - and in fact it is. I just plenty of potential problems here - its a real powder keg.

 

Your daughter. How integrated is he into her life? What plans are in place for that?

 

What do your own parents think of him? Do they know the truth? What do they think?

 

The age gap. Age might be one of the protected traits in hiring in the US but it isn't a protected trait here. It WILL be a problem. I'm guessing (and its pure guess) you are mid-20's and he is what...almost 50? Things might be great NOW...but in ten years when you are in maybe your mid thirties and he is pushing 60? When you are forty with a daughter in college and a 60-odd year old husband? What then?

 

Be very careful.

 

This isn't a success story at all or by any means. This is only true in the sense that he left (for you - ie, you "beat" the W). Other than that, it is a dating a separated man whom you have had a long running A. I guess I just don;t understand how this is a success - I have a GF, been dating over a year. We have even talked about the big M. Is that a success story?

 

I do want you to be happy. I am not certain its with him.

[hoping4happyevrafter]

Well hoping...

 

I too hope it works out for you. But I have my doubts - and some red flags.

 

Never argue? One in how many years? That's NOT healthy imo. An R with little or no conflict is a red flag. Sometimes, things are "too" smooth and, from what you post, this sounds like the case between you two - it smacks of "not real' R.

 

Personally, I do not like seeing people jump from one M to another. As was said earlier, it does not time to grieve and EVERYONE grieves the loss (I did as well). It also smacks of leaving for the OW - and thats how it will be perceived and most likely is. This is also not a good thing.

 

Do the sons know you are the OW? I can't recall if so after 4 pages...if not, you have a problem here. Actually two problems as the sons will figure out the story soon enough that you went from employee to home wrecker (home wrecker in their eyes). This WILL cause some resentment - this was their MOTHER you hurt - again, that's how I think you will be seen. The second part is HOW and WHEN to tell the boys. Because every opportunity passed may be seen as a lie - and in fact it is. I just plenty of potential problems here - its a real powder keg.

 

Your daughter. How integrated is he into her life? What plans are in place for that?

 

What do your own parents think of him? Do they know the truth? What do they think?

 

The age gap. Age might be one of the protected traits in hiring in the US but it isn't a protected trait here. It WILL be a problem. I'm guessing (and its pure guess) you are mid-20's and he is what...almost 50? Things might be great NOW...but in ten years when you are in maybe your mid thirties and he is pushing 60? When you are forty with a daughter in college and a 60-odd year old husband? What then?

 

Be very careful.

 

This isn't a success story at all or by any means. This is only true in the sense that he left (for you - ie, you "beat" the W). Other than that, it is a dating a separated man whom you have had a long running A. I guess I just don;t understand how this is a success - I have a GF, been dating over a year. We have even talked about the big M. Is that a success story?

 

I do want you to be happy. I am not certain its with him.

 

 

JW I appreciate the hope for me! I understand your "red flag" as far as the little to no arguing present in our relationship, I would've said the same thing if you were the OP and I was responding. I guess it's one of those "youd have to see it to believe it" kind of things. But then again, there IS conflict....just not so much arguing. When one of us gets upset, the other generally just see's the problem, and says the right thing to defuse it. It sucks trying to explain something in a relationship like this, because even if it is true, like me saying the relationship is definitely real, it still sounds like denial or rationalization or something lol.

 

And yes, the kids do know I'm the homewrecker. He was very honest with them as soon as the kids were told of the big D. still not sure if that's good or not.

 

Age gap....hmm yes that is a toughy. The only thing I can be sure of is our love. I wish I could predict the future. But really, the marriage is over, him and I are together, so really the only thing to do is wait and see right? I can't imagine, even being completely honest and looking at all the hurdles still left, can't imagine not loving him, even when he is old and grey. (I mean duh, look at george clooney??) It worries me too, maybe he'll lose interest in ME. Maybe i'll be too young for him! who knows.

 

My parents. well my parents have known him for a long time, and have always loved him. My mother's feelings have not changed. My father was very upset at first, as he felt decieved. Before I told them about the A, MM, myself, my father and his new wife had all had dinner and drinks and stuff (as friends). So he felt like MM had decieved him during this period, but we all get together again now and have a good time. The only problem left is My fathers new wife was left by her X after finding out he was having an A. He did not leave to be with OW but it's still too similiar for comfort...But she is a wonderful woman and loves me just the same, she's not into judging and she is very welcoming, I think they both see that we really are in love.

 

Andddd my daughter. I don't mix that part of my life (never have) so much, but we do have dinner together, the three of us, and whenever we socialize with my dad and stepmom, my daughter comes with us....But we don't do sleepovers or anything like that- she still sleeps with me, and neither of me nor BF would be cool with that. He does plan on being a much bigger part of her life in the future, her father is pretty much a too. As stupid as it sounds, his sisters dragged him to a psychic once, and said psychic told him that my daughters father would end up not being a part of her life anymore five years from now, and that I would expect him to step up. He confirmed that he would (not that I believe that psychic stuff).

 

I don't know I mean obviously this situation is fraught with negatives. I do honestly believe though that considering what there was to work with that he has done a pretty good job with his family.

[jwi71]

And yes, the kids do know I'm the homewrecker. He was very honest with them as soon as the kids were told of the big D. still not sure if that's good or not.

 

It is always better to get in front of a problem so you can exert some measure of control. With the sons knowing, you avert the "discovery" of the past. And lets face it, that's something that was bound to come out eventually - from their mom, others or the boys figuring it out. Best to get it out in the open upfront and go from there.

 

Age gap....hmm yes that is a toughy. The only thing I can be sure of is our love. I wish I could predict the future. But really, the marriage is over, him and I are together, so really the only thing to do is wait and see right? I can't imagine, even being completely honest and looking at all the hurdles still left, can't imagine not loving him, even when he is old and grey. (I mean duh, look at george clooney??) It worries me too, maybe he'll lose interest in ME. Maybe i'll be too young for him! who knows.

 

I wasn't questioning your love here - although I do, in general, question it - but that isn't on the table. I was speaking a bit more practically. With the 20+ age gap is doable now, in 15 years when you hit 40-ish he will be damn near 70. I'm sorry, but in truth, in my eyes, you will be less wife and more nurse. I only wonder how happy you will be then - 40's, daughter in school and caring for ailing hubby. I remember vividly one thread about a woman on LS about a woman who needed sex her 65+ year old H couldn't provide. When you want to go out he will be looking for his daily meds. And the financial pressures of your girl's college and his care - think long and hard.

 

Andddd my daughter. I don't mix that part of my life (never have) so much, but we do have dinner together, the three of us, and whenever we socialize with my dad and stepmom, my daughter comes with us....But we don't do sleepovers or anything like that- she still sleeps with me, and neither of me nor BF would be cool with that. He does plan on being a much bigger part of her life in the future, her father is pretty much a too. As stupid as it sounds, his sisters dragged him to a psychic once, and said psychic told him that my daughters father would end up not being a part of her life anymore five years from now, and that I would expect him to step up. He confirmed that he would (not that I believe that psychic stuff).

 

Question. Why isolate your daughter from him? At what point do you trust him enough to allow to begin to be her step father? How will you know when he will take a more prominent role?

 

I don't know I mean obviously this situation is fraught with negatives. I do honestly believe though that considering what there was to work with that he has done a pretty good job with his family.

 

You cannot have a long term A and claim to have done good by your family - not in my eyes anyway.

 

Anyways, you seem to have your head on your shoulders and are taking, in my view, prudent steps in translating this A into an M.

 

Good luck to you, your daughter, your MM and the life you are building.

[BB07]

Question. Why isolate your daughter from him? At what point do you trust him enough to allow to begin to be her step father? How will you know when he will take a more prominent role?

 

I'm not the OP but the above is strange, here is why. She hasn't said that she is isolating her daughter from him, she made it clear that she is taking things slowly. Big difference! BTW....... Which is what is advised by parenting experts and it's been said plenty of times here on LS by other parents that any relationship with a possible step parent or new boyfriend should proceed slow and this man is NOT her step parent yet.

[hoping4happyevrafter]

I'm not the OP but the above is strange, here is why. She hasn't said that she is isolating her daughter from him, she made it clear that she is taking things slowly. Big difference! BTW....... Which is what is advised by parenting experts and it's been said plenty of times here on LS by other parents that any relationship with a possible step parent or new boyfriend should proceed slow and this man is NOT her step parent yet.

 

Thank you BB. saved me from writing the same thing. I appreciate everyone's concern! It's nice to see women caring for eachother.

 

And BB you hit the nail on the head. Even though she is so young, it definitely needs to be taken slowly. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's okay to throw men into your childrens life. My daughter has a father, and he's very involved in her life. We don't want any confusion or resentment from anyone. That's all.

[jwi71]

And BB you hit the nail on the head. Even though she is so young, it definitely needs to be taken slowly. I don't want her to grow up thinking it's okay to throw men into your childrens life. My daughter has a father, and he's very involved in her life. We don't want any confusion or resentment from anyone. That's all.

 

I know what each of you are saying. Take it slow is exactly what my children's IC (play therapist) told me. I was wondering what actual steps you were planning on taking. This question was less for you and more for me as I was in the EXACT same position as you - integrating my GF into my children's lives (who are 5 and 7).

 

I was simply wondering what "take it slow" meant to you - how did that translate into action and what actions did you take (or will take).

[OWoman]

There are several other former OW on LS who did eventually end up married to their former MM. It DOES happen.

If it is going to happen, it happens quickly - the affair is just a part of a marriage that was already ending.

If it takes longer than that, chances are good the married partner has no real intention of changing their life - just yours.

 

Plenty of marriages end. Meeting someone else is rarely the catalyst, but for some simply a natural part of the exit if the married partner is the kind of person who requires someone to go to.

 

I guess this depends on what you mean by "quickly". There was a thread on here some time back where OWs whose MMs had left and had ended up with them compared notes on how long it had taken. IIRC, the average was around 3 years.

 

If a MM is unhappily M and is looking for an excuse to leave, then sure, any old OW may do the trick, and he may leave the M five minutes after meeting her. By my understanding of the term, that would constitute an exit A - and the prognosis is not good for them landing up, and ending up, together.

 

If OTOH the MM falls in love with the OW and leaves his M so as to be with the OW, rather than just as an excuse to get out of a rotten M, he would need to know her well enough to be satisfied that she was worth tossing his "other" life out for (including, possibly, reduced access to kids, paying costly amounts of child and / or spousal support, reduced lifestyle, etc) and so he'd be unlikely to leave until he was certain of what he was doing. Most S people don't rush into M - they take their time over it; so unless your mind is already made up, you're unlikely to rush out of M (possibly even into a new one) without taking your time over making your mind up properly.