What's the best way to respond to last minute first-date flakes?

[U1987]

A lot of girls flake on a first date; the most common method, as experienced by me and a lot of guys I've known, is to cancel by text 2 or 3 hours before the actual date. What's the best way to respond?

 

1) Be cool and nonchalant? (As in, "Hey no prob. Enjoy ur night. How's next Thurs look btw?"

 

2) Guilt-trip them? (As in, "I wish you would have told me this earlier. My friends offered to take me out but I declined because I thought we were going out.")

 

3) Confront them? (As in, "Are you kidding me? I'm really no into flakes, y'know. I hope you know that it's really not cool to waste a guy's time like that.")

 

4) Other.

 

I've tried being cool/nonchalant but that never works. From what I've learned, if a girl sees you're okay with her flaking once, she'll see it's okay to flake and waste your time over and over and over again. Sometimes that offer for the other date doesn't come up.

 

I've tried the confrontational method, with some success. Sometimes the girls hurriedly apologized, promised it wouldn't happen again and planned another date immediately (I actually got with some of my ex-GF's this way) Sometimes it scares the girls away though.

 

I haven't tried the guilt-trip route though. Is that a workable option? Is there a missing one to deal with flaky girls?

[carhill]

Black hole.

 

They don't exist.

 

Ask someone else out.

 

With myself, the *only* salvation is if they *call* (this means their lips move) and they express their regrets *and* they proactively seek to reschedule during that call. All else = black hole.

[Mad Max]

The best way is to launch them. Only excuse is if they or someone they know is sick/dead and they re-schedule.

[BobSacamento]

"Huh? Who is this?"

[NYCGirly]

Unless they had to cancel for a serious reason, I would just ignore the text and move on- they obviously don't respect you or your time.

 

If it sounds like it was for a serious reason, then show you understand and just reschedule for another night.

[Woggle]

Think of it as no big loss.

[D-Lish]

4) Other.

 

5) Silence, no response

[U1987]

Unless they had to cancel for a serious reason, I would just ignore the text and move on- they obviously don't respect you or your time.

 

If it sounds like it was for a serious reason, then show you understand and just reschedule for another night.

 

Yeah but what about those "I've had a long day and I'm beat" or "My friend Shelly is back in town and she wants to catch up" or "I'm actually still in (town-30+ miles away) having dinner with my sis; dunno if I can make it in time" kind of responses?

[OceanGirl]

I vote for no response.

 

Your responses:

 

1) Too doormaty

2) Too annoying

3) Too psycho

 

With no response you show some class, come off as someone who takes s^it from others and if she is genuinely interested she will contact you to re-schedule.

[jane100]

I think a second-chance can be called for, if they sound sincere and there is some decent notice. Still, I would probably feel a tad suspicious. However, "Life" does happen: babysitting problems, work problems, illness, etc. But I think it really depends how they approach it, if they sound like they couldn't care less or are genuine.

[lino]

Just ignore em.

 

Carhills advice is very good too if you wish to give em half a 2nd chance.

[oaks]

A lot of girls flake on a first date; the most common method, as experienced by me and a lot of guys I've known, is to cancel by text 2 or 3 hours before the actual date. What's the best way to respond?

 

If they cancel rather than postpone (the difference being whether they suggest an alternate date to reschedule) then I thank them for telling me. Then I go and do something else and forget about her.

 

Sometimes if there was a possibly-true 'excuse' as to why she cancelled I'll send another text the next day along the lines of "how are you after [the bad thing happened]? Sorry we couldn't meet up. Let me know if you're free sometime." but so far that has never resulted in rescheduling the date so I probably shouldn't waste my time doing it.

 

 

I've tried the confrontational method, with some success. Sometimes the girls hurriedly apologized, promised it wouldn't happen again and planned another date immediately (I actually got with some of my ex-GF's this way) Sometimes it scares the girls away though.

 

No, not scared away. They were already heading away by that point. Interesting to hear that you've had some success with confronting some of them on their flakiness, though.

 

I know the received wisdom is that if a first date is cancelled and the person doing the cancelling doesn't immediately offer an excuse and a new date/time (which I think of as postponing or rescheduling rather than cancelling) then it's basically over before it began, but I suppose there are genuine cases of needing to cancel (ie there really was a work emergency, food poisoning, alien invasion, cat had kittens etc) where the person cancelling is then too flustered by the emergency to remember offer to reschedule, and calling them out on it might test if they're really interested or not.

[zengirl]

If they don't reschedule, don't try for it. If they are sincerely stuck (whether it's something sudden at work/a sudden family crisis/their car broke down/they have the flu), they will already feel badly and seek to reschedule. If it's flakiness, why engage?

[oaks]

Yeah but what about those "I've had a long day and I'm beat" or "My friend Shelly is back in town and she wants to catch up" or "I'm actually still in (town-30+ miles away) having dinner with my sis; dunno if I can make it in time" kind of responses?

 

Those all sound like "you aren't important enough to actually have space in my schedule even though I agreed to go on a date with you". Those aren't excuses, those are just the things she's doing because she can't be bothered to see you.

 

She had a long day - but she knew she was going on a date so she should've managed her day better. I had someone call to tell me she had a long day but she still wanted to go on the date and she was just warning me that she might be tired and wouldn't be staying out late. That's how to handle it.

 

Her friend Shelly would totally understand her going on a date with a hot guy.

 

Still having dinner with her sis - she just couldn't be bothered.

[U1987]

5) Silence, no response

 

I want a response that would either 1) put her in a position where she has no choice but to want to go on a date with me at another time and not flake or 2) make her unquestionably know that I'm not okay with how she acted.

[dispatch3d]

I want a response that would either 1) put her in a position where she has no choice but to want to go on a date with me at another time and not flake or 2) make her unquestionably know that I'm not okay with how she acted.

 

Yeah, I mean you're going to get a combination of responses. Guys who genuinely don't ask girls out (and there are a LOT of them) will have no idea what you are talking about. This is because by the time they ask the girl out on a "date" the girl is practically in love, or at least on a friendship basis. If you're asking out a young(ish) girl out on a first date and she barely knows you, meh IME there is a ton of flaking. EVEN in cases that they show obvious interest.

 

I think a lot of it (from their POV) comes from nerves. It's probably also another factor I've been kinda looking into. I sort of figured out responsibility, and I noticed that very smart/successful people take a very high amount of responsibility, and the opposite is true of unsuccessful people (who constantly look for favors, or look to dispute things rather than accept they did something wrong). It's not that they aren't successful people or not, it has more to do with them not wanting to take the chance you won't like them. It's a defense mechanism/protection. They blame not being able to make the date on x, therefore they don't have to worry about rejection. You're going to get some bull**** excuse no matter what. I generally just ignore these; it's just their rationalization for not going.

 

Of the three you chose, I would definitely take c. The probably with (a) is that you are subcommunicating that it is okay to waste your time. It really isn't. I personally get pretty upset when a girl flakes on me (not talking angry for days, but I'm upset for 2-3 hours). It's inconsiderate and rude - it's that simple. Would you ever treat a girl like that? I highly highly doubt it. I know when I wouldn't cancel a date unless it was for a good reason (which is another answer by the way, you cancel it so that she doesn't. It sounds childish and silly, but it works. So meh. This isn't my style).

 

I don't mind your "guilt trip". It's kind of just making her aware she's being rude and inconsiderate of your time. Shame on her for flaking. I probably feel as you do about it though, wishy-washy at starting a relationship based on that.

 

I like your third reply. Although I would remove any kind of "you've got to be kidding" attitude. I wouldn't want to give the girl any kind of feedback that she's affected me. Some people take any attention as good attention, so a strong negative feedback may actually act as a reward for her. I mean, you have to expect girls to flake. It's going to happen, getting upset about it is silly. You can't control other people, and you especially can't control other people you barely know. I would just say something from my perspective, about how I feel about her flaking. I'll throw out some ideas, and see what you think. I haven't tried any of this YET but the only previous stuff that has worked is calling them on it (same experience as you).

 

"I really value my time, and one of my biggest pet peeves is when people waste it."

 

*be careful not to add anything like "I can't believe you wasted it" or "and you wasted it" would have a COMPLETELY different meaning/connotation.

 

"I find it really inconsiderate and rude when people flake on me. I value my time, and do not like wasting it on being anxious or angry."

 

Mind you, something simple like:

 

"uh huh." or "Nice. This was fun." would probably have the same effect (ie. your pissed, and not particularly appreciative of being treated like ****).

 

I also googled flaking today, it's a constant problem I have. David D did say you should absolutely strive to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible when they do flake. This means waiting just before the date happens to text them back (indicating you even got it). Or wait until later that night to text them. Let them stew over the fact you may not have gotten the message and could have sat there on the date yourself.

 

From my perspective I'm not trying to hate on the girl, or play games. It really isn't about that. I DO feel incredibly upset about all the girls who have flaked on me. It is very very very inconsiderate and rude. I am especially angry at the ones who flake and then reschedule then flake then reschedule again. That is just unbelievably inconsiderate. But I also recognize that I ****ed up to create situations where they think that kind of ****ty ****ing behaviour is ok. So meh.

 

That's my two cents, more than willing to hear more on the issue. I obviously have this problem (as any guy who actually asks out girls would) and would appreciate hearing others solutions/experiences.

[dispatch3d]

Meh I read over what I wrote about inconsiderate and rude. I probably wouldn't say that just because I'm calling them inconsiderate and rude. Not particularly nice, and dealing with hate with more hate (although the default natural reaction) just isn't a good way to go about things.

 

Well, this upsets me. I could have done other things with my time, and now I'm going to stew over this for at least a little.

 

Meh I still don't like it. Really whiney. I'll think on it a bit and see if I come up with anything that i DO like. I did like my short ones that clearly show I'm both unhappy and I think she's rude.

 

You know, you could just wait to see if they offer a reschedule. Then take a while to reply (at least hours), and then say something about last time you cancelled on me and it didn't make me feel particularly important or special. Why should I be so convinced you'll show up now?

Edited February 1, 2011 by dispatch3d

[Eddie Edirol]

I want a response that would either 1) put her in a position where she has no choice but to want to go on a date with me at another time and not flake or 2) make her unquestionably know that I'm not okay with how she acted.

 

Youre assuming that these girls that werent interested in you in the first place care about how you feel about them flaking out on you. They dont, they could care less. So any response from you gets brushed off the shoulder....because they are instead going out with the guy they REALLY wanted to be with.

 

Your best response is what youve been doing. You can guilt trip them, but really, you dont want to go out with women that werent really into you in the first place.

 

When they cancel on me, I just dont respond...at all. "Oh ****, he cares less than I do!" I usually get another text by then, and I dont respond until I get an offer to reschedule. At that point, I treat them like a flake and dont fully engage them anymore.

 

Making them feel guilty for not liking you isnt going to make them like you. What you need to do is find out what you are doing wrong to keep contacting women that arent into you in the first place.

[dispatch3d]

Youre assuming that these girls that werent interested in you in the first place care about how you feel about them flaking out on you. They dont, they could care less. So any response from you gets brushed off the shoulder....because they are instead going out with the guy they REALLY wanted to be with.

 

Your best response is what youve been doing. You can guilt trip them, but really, you dont want to go out with women that werent really into you in the first place.

 

When they cancel on me, I just dont respond...at all. "Oh ****, he cares less than I do!" I usually get another text by then, and I dont respond until I get an offer to reschedule. At that point, I treat them like a flake and dont fully engage them anymore.

 

Making them feel guilty for not liking you isnt going to make them like you. What you need to do is find out what you are doing wrong to keep contacting women that arent into you in the first place.

 

I mean, yeah, some of the time girls flake because they aren't interested.

 

Some of the time it's a feeling/emotion based reaction as well. A girl who starts messaging me on an online dating site, and then agrees to a date, and then flakes. She was interested, but something else happened that caused her to flake.

 

I do agree that if you end up in a situation where its like VERY good impression - bad impression - meh impression you are going to get some flakes that wouldn't happen if it went very good impressoin - very good impression - very good impression. But meh, the only way to get good at dating is to date, and one of the first hurdles I think any guy would come to is flaking.