Wish it were a simple afair

[VAman]

I wish it were just a simple affair in which my wife became involved. But it is very complicated.

 

Here is the background.

 

It was around 29 years ago, my wife was 18 years of age. She had an affair with a married man 16 years older than she was. Yes, she and I had been dating casually even then but we were not even engaged and I dated others and so did she.

 

As time went on she and I grew closer and eventually married. I knew of the affair with the OM but she was marrying me, right?. Well I had taken a job out west and of course right after the marriage we move to were we lived for 6 years having two beautiful girls and beginning what I thought was the perfect family. Of course there were rough spots, all marriages have them.

 

It was 1989 and the office I was working in was shutting down. I began to look for work elsewhere and took a job back in our home state. This was the home town of my wife's family and was also the same town my wife's former lover lived in. By chance, as my wife explained it to me later, she ran into the OM at a gas station one evening. They exchanged phone numbers. She told me she bumped into him and although I knew everything from the past I also naively thought "well he is married too so what's there with which to be concerned".

 

What I did not know and what I have come to find out only recently is that his wife had been unfaithful to him and he began to talk regularly with my wife, having lunch, meeting when I was out of town etc... My wife tells no intimacy of a physical nature took place but that he had asked her to leave me to be with him as he was considering leaving his wife. It was a rough spot for my marriage as work was uncertain I was taking odd jobs and really searching for a good job. But my wife told me she told him she was not leaving me. Probably the young girls at home had something to do with her staying as well. But they stayed in touch often meeting for lunch and talking while at work on the phone so I've learned.

 

I eventually got a good job in the state about 2 hours from she home town and after six month of commuting moved the family into a rental unit, then a home a few years later. Had another child in 1990 and believed life was back on track. However, I now know they still stay in touch. When ever he was down this way on business, he stop by and take her out to lunch. They talked regularly by phone and then in chat rooms when I was not around.

 

Fast forward 20 year, my girls are grown up and out of the house, my son in high school. My wife and I still married but she is acting really strange lately.

 

Was I the perfect husband, no! Did I neglect her feelings, at times, yes!

 

I mentioned she began acting strange. Although she had been saying for years that she felt like she was no longer "in love" with me and that the passion just wasn't there any more, she was getting counselling for that which I only hope would bring her around. However, around May of 2010, she started talking to me even more so about her not feeling satisfied and feeling like she was having a mid-life crisis and needing time to herself. She started taking weekend trips to see her father and brothers in her home town with whom she feel she needs to reconnect.

 

Then in late July early August, hard to remember, she asked about an open marriage. Even going so far as to suggest that if either of us went out and had sex with another person it would be okay. Like a fool I considered it but never could agree to it. But it did bring an interesting twist to our own bedroom as you could imagine.

 

Its now the morning of September 23, 2010. I hear my wife's phone ringing in her bag. It is not uncommon for either of us to answer the others cell phone when one may be showering or dressing in the morning. My wife has a rather large bag with everything but the kitchen sink in it. So when I reach into the bag and felt around for a phone, without looking I grabbed what felt to be a phone. It was indeed a cell phone, but one which was unfamiliar to me. I reach in again and found the one that was ringing and answered it. It was my daughter.

 

I hung up with my daughter and walked up stairs to our bedroom and asked my wife whose phone this was. She look startled and then told me a friend had left it on their desk at work and she picked it up when she went home last night so the cleaning people wouldn't steal it. I kind of believed her, she had never lied blatantly to me before that I was aware of at least.

 

However, my suspicion began to rise when on the way to work she called me from her cell trying to explain it again. The woman doth protest too much... I thought.

 

I mentioned it was Thursday. All week long she had been telling me she was going to take Friday off to go shopping and may stay with her Dad Friday night and be home Saturday.

 

Well during the afternoon/evening Friday when my wife should have been at her dad's house I called their home number to talk to her. Her dad tells me she is not there and had gone shopping with my wife's mother-in-law.

 

Later that evening I get a call from my wife its 9:00pm and she tells me she is leaving her dad's and heading home. I wait up for her. She gets home a little after 11:00. A normal 2 hour drive, so what.

 

We go to bed and Saturday is a fairly normal day. We go shopping together. I mention the phone but get not further info from my wife. We watch a movie and retire to bed. Yes, we are intimate.

 

Wake up Sunday, fix breakfast, we eat in front of the TV talking about last night how we both enjoyed it.

 

Then around 10:00am my wife is crying her eyes out. Begins to tell me she had lied to me about Friday. That she had gone to see the OM. Wants a divorce.

 

I am shell shocked, devastated, heart broken. She explain to me my actions that justified her in seeking this relationship. I asked her if it was the person I knew about and I knew him by name. She said how do you know his name I never mentioned him to you.

 

My eyes were opened and I committed to her to do a 180 which I have and she will even admit to.

 

Later during the day, we talked a lot, and I learned the OM's wife had died of cancer in February of 2010. My wife being a cancer survivor herself, was there to listen to her friend as he suffered through his loss. Boundaries were crossed and the emotions and feelings for him began to grow again (if they ever truly left). Then rather than grieving the loss of his wife he simply took my willing wife and emotionally filled his void and encouraged my wife to deceive me to eventually marry him.

 

My wife and I continue to talk about how she feels and what we can do. She tells me she now wants to reconcile. I tell her she must end all contact with the OM. She does not agree. How can she end a nearly 30 year friendship she says.

 

Me, well I am confused, maybe they are just friends, very confused.

 

We agree to marriage counselling. Have two visits in October. I get depression medication because I can't sleep or focus at work and am having very negative thoughts. She says she needs closure with the OM and must see him to do this. She tell me she did called him and told him that she need time away from him to figure out what she was doing.

 

October 26th I find emails from her to him and find out she is chatting with him online. She goes to bed and I log on to her account. He is online. I pretend to be her, and talk bad about myself he likes that. Apparently it a normal thing. I tell what I'd like to do with him (pretending to be her) he likes that too, he joins in the conversation and incriminates both of them.

 

I then carry her laptop up to our bedroom and expose the chat between myself and the OM. She is shocked that I had done this violated her privacy. Won't even look at the chat due to her embarrassment. She takes the computer and tells the OM that it was me that was chatting with him not her. He replies ... I don't know what to say... I take the computer back and have a heated argument with him online.

 

She then asks me if I want her to leave. I am still confused. This is the love of my life we are talking about.

 

The next day we talk some more. Agree to work on the marriage through the end of the year. She says she still needs to see him for closure. We get through Thanksgiving and Christmas. New Years, not perfect but I beleive we are getting along.

 

Then the week of January 8, 2011, I agree for her to go see the OM and get her closure. She leaves Saturday morning and comes home Saturday evening. It is tense, but we are okay with each other when she returns.

 

Its now Tuesday January 11, I am home sick from work. I pick up her laptop to visit my own FaceBook page. When I click on the input bar where you enter your email, to my surprise the OM's email address is in the pick list that dropped down. I click it and I could not believe it but the password populated.

 

Well at that point I did what any other specious husband would do when they have a confessing cheating wife. I logged in as the OM.

 

I viewed his wall which I had been block from me by him. My wife had posted to his wall recently, sending romantic music videos. Sensing there was more, I then went to his messages, and saw messages such as this one below which my wife had sent to him:

 

January 9 at 8:13pm Report

Man where are you? Bowling still.???..It is 8:00pm and I am watching Meet the ****ers....he has his back to me so I can type..... woo hoo!!!!

AND you are not here.........Thinking of you and yesterday.....we need another night.......I can not wait....smooches

 

Well there is more but that pretty much sums it up.

 

I confront her and tell her it is over. She asks me why I keep looking for stuff, that I am only hurting myself by looking (not logical.. but that's what she said).

 

She sits silently in her chair. Then begins to cry, telling me she doesn't want him, she wants me.. is there anything she can do. She gets on her knees in front of me a begs me to let her stay. I am a soggy piece of milk toast. I tell her I am not making any final decisions until I get well. Well, that took two weeks. But now I am well and she has the sickness that I had and I really can't talk to her about it the way she is feeling.

 

Is there any hope in saving this marriage?

[D78]

Sheesh.. VAman, I'm sorry you're going through this. I read your post and it seems like you have been a good husband. You have given her the amount of trust she deserved, which because of her actions is almost none at this point.

 

Cheaters often blame their SOs for "making them do it." This is just immature refusal to take responsibility.

 

I understand that this is your wife, so it's worth a second shot and all... but aren't you going on a tenth shot at this point? It sounds to me like she has been carrying on with this man during your entire marriage, whether it was emotionally or physically. She was not open to you about seeing him, and even promised you she wouldn't see him again. She supposedly broke up with him, but you later find out she slept with him that night instead? And she wants more??

 

Is this marriage meeting your needs? Does it make you happy? Do you want to save it for any reason other than fulfilling your vows and being a good husband? You have forgiven her so many times. Now, your left with logging into her FB and email and all... How long do you want this to continue?

 

Ignore her crying and saying she only wants you. It's her actions that count. What do her actions tell you?

 

Good luck.

[lkjh]

You have given her so many chances and she keeps taking advantage of you. She doesn't take you serious because she knows she can get away with it. Also, I doubt they haven't been physical. You have given her so many chances, its time to take some action

[whichwayisup]

The woman next you in bed is not your wife. She's in a TOTAL affair fog and the only way to wake her up (that is, and I am assuming you want to fight for her and your marriage, rightfully so since you have kids and a life together) is for her to suffer some major consquences..As long as you're willing to ride out the rollercoaster ride.

 

The OM, she rescued. She may possibly love him, but not enough to leave you and make a new life with him. He is her side dish, a fantasy, an ego feed .. A boyfriend, an AFFAIR. Her bubble needs to be burst!

 

He, sadly lost his wife and is vunerable, also in a fog, and is too attached to your wife. He has to go....

 

So, tell her to pack her stuff and get out. Let her stew in it for a while, see what life is like without you in it. Go total NC with her, if a conversation needs to happen, EMAIL only, and only about the kids or house stuff. No personal talk at all.

 

Sorry that you're hurting..

[Distant78]

Dude you've been letting your wife treat you like trash for so many years. Time to be a man and leave her. Your son is in high school so he can deal with you guys divorcing. You need to get away from that toxic woman.

[BOKI5]

Wow, you have been more than patient than she deserves.

 

Actions speak louder than words...Over and over again, she has deceived you.

 

If something was missing in the relationship, she could have been honest with you instead of cheating...

 

I am pretty sure she had sexual contact with him.

 

Sounds like she cheated on you throughout the whole marriage...

 

If it was me, I would file for divorce.

 

Sounds like you are a loving man, and I am sure another woman would appreciate that.

[whichwayisup]

Man where are you? Bowling still.???..It is 8:00pm and I am watching Meet the ****ers....he has his back to me so I can type..... woo hoo!!!!

AND you are not here.........Thinking of you and yesterday.....we need another night.......I can not wait....smooches

 

There is no way she hasn't had sex with him. She's lying to you if she says she hasn't. Reading the above again is just so sickening.

 

She needs to totally come clean with you, tell the truth even if it hurts like hell. You need to know and also please, get tested for STD's.

[carhill]

Get your STD test, hug your son, and suggest to your wife that this would be a good time for her to live elsewhere.

 

Save for the ages of the children, this sounds remarkably like a couple of marriages I'm personally aware of. The prognosis is not promising.

 

Monday you can get the STD test and interview a couple lawyers. Take time off of work to get it done. That's your positive task for the day.

 

Tuesday's task is asking her if she's willing to end contact with OM and join you in MC. If positive, make that appointment. If negative, proceed with filing your divorce petition. That usually takes a few days, though the petition is pretty simple. I'd suggest petitioning for physical custody of your son and that he remain in the marital home with you. She can live with OM or elsewhere.

 

You can do all of this calmly. The key is breaking it down into steps. One step at a time.

 

Become insensitive to her crying, anger, manipulation, whatever. Care less. Yes, it is hard. You can be dying inside, but keep a neutral demeanor. That was the hardest thing for me to do during our D, but I saw great benefits from it. It defeats the female toolbox.

 

My sympathies....

[rugbyplayer1990]

Great response Carhill!!! this may be one of the hardest decisions in your life, wheather to leave (or have removed) wife of many years. Being with her may be comfortable, but look at all the pain caused in your life, can you really forgive her for this? For me, I could not forgive and forget and was living in my own Hell of thoughts of her with another man.

 

If this marrage can be salvaged, I agree, some concequences need to be had.. I pray you keep posting today on your well being, Thank you for sharing, you have really helped me today with your streangth and calmness. I became a raging maniac until it sank in that she was a cheater..

[Albertan]

Holy mother of God......

 

Ok, well you need to stop making excuses for her right away. She has chosen to make these choices and she has to live with the consequences. Right now this OM is a fantasy for her and always will be. I say let her go, let her realize that "grass is not greener" but most important you need to start repairing the damage to yourself. Start protecting yourself now, emotionally and financially!

 

Your marriage will never work while this OM is in the picture and your wife does not accept accountability for her own actions.

[VAman]

Thank you ... to all those who have replied. Your wisdom experiences and ability to have clear thought on this is appreciated. My thoughts are still influenced by what I want to happen and not so much by the reality of what is happening.

 

Just to clear up a few points. We are and have been in MC since mid-October. Throughout the MC process she has stated she does not know how she can give up this relationship with this OM. She keeps saying he is just a friend and how can she give up a 20+ year friendship. My question to her is how can you give up a 26 year marriage just for a friendship.

 

She keeps saying in MC that she has not had a physical relationship with him. However, I am sure she has been coached that admitting this fact will mean that should I file for devoice that she may be less likely to get 50% of all marriage assets and may even have to pay me for child support.

 

As much as it knowing she has had sex with the OM would hurt, its not the sex with the OM that hurts so much as the constant lies and having another man holding a place that high in my wife's heart.

 

Friday the 28th we went to a MC session where I presented to her a lot of the facebook and email evidence I have of the relationship with the OM. Afterwards she actually told me that she could not believe I would humiliate her in front of the MC counsellor. I have to wonder what world she is living to have the facts, the truth presented to someone else and her to feel humiliated. I guess she does not understand what she has made me feel like and how close to giving up on life let alone the marriage my thoughts had led me.

 

I am now getting help with this through my doctor and antidepressants. It has taken a while for the antidepressants to work but I really feel a difference emotionally these past few weeks. To the point that I have resolved that while it may hurt to finally let her go I know that I will survive and be okay whatever the outcome.

 

I am still overtly nice and loving to her at home. I want her to know I do love her and want to work this out. Also, I do not want to upset my son who has emotional issues over this and other things already. She told me Friday night that she could not believe how nice I was being at home given what I presented to her in the MC session. It made her think, and Friday she told me that she thinks she may be able to love me the way I need to be loved. She also told me that my 180 actions really screwed up her plans.

 

Last night, she was sick with the flu which I had two weeks ago. So we did not talk much, she did say that she wished everyone would just let her work things out on her own and quit pushing her to do things. I think everyone include me and the OM based on how she looked when she said it. She wants to make the right decision and my forcing her to decide things before she is ready makes her want to rebel. She said it makes me want to say the hell with both of you.

 

Okay, I understand that. She does need to be honest with herself before she can be honest with me. But I can not allow this to string out too much further.

 

I explained to her that my TRUST bank account with her is overdrawn. That if she is truly willing to work with me I need to be able to trust but verify. I now have access to her home laptop, personal email and other online community accounts. I can log into these on my smart phone and office computer. I do so every so often during the day to see if she is online. I can actually log in as her on her FB and other community accounts and I do so periodically.

 

I do not have access to her cell phone. I have asked her to call the carrier to authorize me to access her phone records. She very much does not think that is necessary (its over kill she says and she feel like she is living under my thumb ... really?) and so far has refused to do so. I am sure those phone records are something she does not want me to see.

 

Her office computer email is another issues. I have told her that I am not beyond informing her employer that I have reason to believe she is using her office phone, computer and fax for personal use with the intent on carrying on an extra marital affair and that should I have the need to file for divorce that these records would be subject to subpoena. Consequence that could lead to her losing her job. The knowledge of me doing this angers her but its is the way it will be. She needs to understand that her decisions will have consequences.

 

This a lot of $h!t to have to live with but if I am going to live with her it is my new normal until its over one way of the other.

[carhill]

1. Get legal advice. In most jurisdictions, dickinsider has no relevance to divorce or custody proceedings unless the parent is deemed/proven unfit, and then it's only relevant to custody.

 

2. Since you've been in MC for four months and the A continues, file for divorce. You can do that tomorrow. It's not hard. Filing fees and a retainer for an attorney, if required, are the main costs. She'll get served by the sheriff or a process server and, generally, will have 30 days to formulate a legal reply to the lawsuit.

 

Nothing wrong with exposing her affair, if that's what you want to do, but get legal advice before doing so. If she were to lose her job and find employment difficult, that could affect financial settlement and custody issues. A lawyer has seen all the Plan B's so they can offer a risk/benefit analysis to various actions.

 

Go silent. Cordial, but not engaging.

 

How did your MC handle the infidelity proof disclosures?

[Windsurf66]

Wow, pretty nasty and arrogant whore u have there!! Pity you but shame on you if you are still naive after bitten the 2nd time

 

She wants to work things out on her own; the reason is simple, she fits a cake-eater to a T. She wants both you and her OM. Remember, she asked for an open marriage? she will never cut off completely with the OM, maybe lay off for 1 or 2 years (after all, she has kept in contact with the OM for 20 years) and will resume it once u are off guard.

 

January 9 at 8:13pm Report

Man where are you? Bowling still.???..It is 8:00pm and I am watching Meet the ****ers....he has his back to me so I can type..... woo hoo!!!!

AND you are not here.........Thinking of you and yesterday.....we need another night.......I can not wait....smooches

 

Her chatting with the OM, and laughing at your ignorance, literally behind your back, shows how deep her disrespect is for you and the marriage. Your marriage is DEAD, confirmed!!!

 

The other thing i can confirm, she has f*ck him countless times as well in the last 20 years

 

Bottom line: marriage is dead, you will NEVER trust her, cut your losses.

 

Btw, you can pretend to agree to the open marriage, get evidence of her physical affair, and use it against her do not be soft-hearted towards a despicable person like her. You had love her before, but she wasn't really the person who will remain loyal to you and take a marriage vows seriously.

[GorillaTheater]

My thoughts are still influenced by what I want to happen and not so much by the reality of what is happening.

 

One of the hardest parts about dealing with this is letting go of the attachment to a particular outcome in a situation that's largely out of your control. "If only I do X, she'll do Y." "Goddammit, I did X and she's STILL not doing Y. Maybe if I tried doing Z." You can't win that game, you just can't.

 

The only way you can win is to stop playing, to be okay with whatever the outcome may be. Re-creating a new marriage with the wife (because the old one IS dead)? Tough road, but you can handle it. Divorce? Likewise a tough road, but this too you can handle. Control the only thing in this world you do have control over: yourself. To the extent you can, and I know this is likely the toughest thing you've ever gone through, control your emotions, your reactions, and your well-being. Eat healthy and regularly, exercise to the point of exhaustion (which will also help tremendously with your emotions and mental overdrive), by some new clothes, get a different haircut. Don't share your emotions with your wife, she's not interested at this point. Same with talks about the marriage. With her you're calm, cool, collected and keeping it light. (Besides protecting you, this has the added benefit of driving her crazy and making her curious about you.)

 

And keep reminding yourself: whatever happens, you can handle it.

[VAman]

Thanks Gorilla.

 

After four months of MC she still has not decided what she wants. Tells me I am hear with you what's the problem. I say right, all well and good until you are not, and when you are on the phone with him or on-line you are not with me you are with him.

 

So, today I gave her an ultimatum. I told her today is the day she makes the decision.

 

If she wants me, she will have to call the OM with me on the phone and tell him she will no longer be contacting him by any means and he is not to contact her either. This way I will at least know she told him. Does not mean she will not scheme up another plan, I know.

 

I told her she will also have to give me access to everything, emails, online communities and her cell phone account.

 

I know, I know, there is no way I can be 100% sure. That's okay I am at peace with decision.

 

If she says she does not know what she wants to do, well too bad. That is the same answer as No I don't want you. And if she does not want me then tomorrow I see my attorney and start the divorce process and she moves out. If I can't make her leave the house, I will be sleeping in the guest room until the legal issues are order by the courts.

 

I really need to take control over the situation and stop giving it to her.

[Windsurf66]

I wouldn't say its a wrong move, but it puts you in a weak position as it makes you passive while she makes the decision.

 

Based on her past actions, you should make the decision to divorce her....when she pleads with you and ask for forgiveness repeatedly, you will then know her sincerity.

 

Remember, the key word is sincerity and you have to test it out of her yourself. If she does not really bother much if u divorce her, then you know the answer

 

Face up to reality, hard as it might be, as this person was not the person 20 years ago, or perhaps, you have never really seen her true colours

[VAman]

Windsurf, I don't know how to trust her at this point. I told her that unless she was willing to meet my requirements in the ultimatum, there was no way I could even start to rebuild the trust. Which meant of course we would separate with the intent of divorcing.

 

She has agreed to what I demanded in the ultimatum, now I need to give her a chance to act accordingly or screw up again. I have access to everything now, except her office email and phone which I know she can use and not much I can do about that.

 

The OM does live 2 hours away so it makes physical contact difficult without me being clued in. I'll going to activate the family locator on her cell phone so I can tell where she is at all times. If she is out with the girls one night I'll be checking it to make sure she is where she is supposed to be. A hell of a way to live but I will survive either way.

 

This is the last attempt at salvaging this marriage.

[Windsurf66]

Has she at least admitted to having sexual activities with the OM, that includes making out, blowjob, handjob, besides sex?

 

Do you know if she is in love with him?

[VAman]

She has not confessed to anything more that spending time with him, cuddling with him and yes being in love with him.

 

To me the hardest words I had to hear was telling me was that she was in love with him and I could tell she really meant it.

 

She has IC once a week in addition to our MC. She told me that her IC this week explained to her that her relationship with the OM was just a fantasy. A place that she escaped to that was not reality. He explained to her that the OM did not come with the dynamics of a marriage. All he has to do is listen to her and make sure he does not do the things she complains about me having done. He does not have to talk about the kids, discipline, family issues, finances. All the things that cause stress in a real marriage. As she was telling me this she began to cry. She told me this Wed night while we were discussing the ultimatum.

 

We did not talk much yesterday this. I started to bring something up but rather than get into it I said we'd what for our MC session today. She thought that was a good idea. We meet with the MC at noon today.

[Owl]

Did she call him with you on the phone as well and end it with him?

 

Did she then block calls/contacts from him?

 

How did she react when she did things? How has she acted since? Depressed/angry/etc...or no major change in behaviors?

[2sure]

I am one that does believe that reconciliation can occur after infidelity.

 

Normally I would say yes - the complete access , openness, and transparency would help you achieve this...but , Given the long term nature of your wife's betrayal a different take other than the usual might be effective.

 

She clearly cannot be trusted. Not by you and she may already realize that she cannot trust herself...she has never committed to a decision about the marriage or the affair. And thats what she has to do...decide...way before you and she can work on trust.

 

Sure, deciding is hard , its a process I guess. But you know, it still has to be the first step. And she hasnt really made that decision herself.

 

Tell her to leave. Tell her to figure out what she wants and meanwhile you will decide if you want to help her.

 

Thats the only way I would be able to commit to moving forward. There has been enough conversation, and that didnt work.

[Distant78]

Dude she's a serial cheater for god sakes. She's not going to change anytime soon if she's treated you like this for so long. Divorce her.

[VAman]

Let me add a new twist to my dilemma.

 

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas my wife and I were talking about why she was acting the way she was. She mentioned that even at work her co-workers and boss told her personality was different, she was not her normal happy self. She went to her Shrink which is an actual psychiatrist not her IC whom is only a licensed therapist.

 

Her shrink suggested increasing her antidepressant from 150 to 225 of Efelxor. (He had started her on this drug in December 2009 her affair started in the Spring of 2010).

 

As I have written her behavior became even more extreme. Telling me she loved me and wanted to work on our marriage and then telling the OM she wanted to be with him. Between Christmas and New Years we were talking again about her thoughts being in two places. She was reminded that she was still not acting herself.

 

So, she on her on, went to the shrink telling him and suggesting that maybe they try a different medication for her depression. She had to be weened off the Eflexor and just last week started her new medication. I have seen some changes, she is happier and much easier to talk to more rational.

 

I started doing some research on Eflexor.

 

Although there are many sites and forums which talk about what this drugs does to marriages, this link really sums it up.

 

Now, I know my wife had these feelings for this man, and our marriage was not what it should have been, but if the drugs allowed her act out a life style she would not normally have pursued without their influence, it makes me question my next move even more. We all have fantasies and all have some experience with how alcohol and drugs remove our inhibitions. Could this be way my wife acted out on her fantasies?

 

I question myself, as know I am grasping at straws. If she were doing this due to the malpractice of her doctors, I would be wrong to cast her aside until I see her under the influence of the alternative drug. Thoughts - opinions please.

[VAman]

I posted on this yesterday and have not seen it yet so I am posting it again. Forgive me its still in the cue.

 

Now I will admit our marriage was not what it should have been. I had become distant over the last few years lots of reason and fault for both sides. I spent a lot of time racing and working on my cars and she with little interest in racing found things she enjoyed doing.

 

My wife told me recently in December that her friends and co-workers had seen a change in her personality over the year. She was wondering if the medications had anything to do with it. Between Christmas and new years she went to her shrink and asked him to change her antidepressants. She had to be weaned off of it and was finally off February 1st and is now on something new. I can tell you this, this past week she has been more the person I used to know. Seeing this change and recalling the conversation with my wife I began to research this drug Effexor.

 

Christmas 2009 time frame: My wife was having a real rough time having lost some close relatives in the past couple years and then a close neighbour to cancer last Christmas eve. She was already on antidepressants and they where not getting the job done for her.

 

Her doctor put her on this drug (Effexor) spoken about in this other forum. Then in January the OM was calling my wife grieving his wife's cancer struggle. In February his wife passed away in May my wife was seeing him.

 

I can't help but wonder if this drug was part of the reason my wife began to drop those boundaries we put in place when we are getting too close to someone. And in this case it would have been even easier because she had had a relationship with this man and they had been friends for years.

 

I asked her why her counsellor and the shrink had not noticed the change in her personality and that she was doing things out of character. She did not know but would be discussing it them this week. She sees the counsellor on Wed and the Shirnk on Thurs.

 

Maybe this can help to explain the change in my wife. I honestly don't know. Am I grasping at straws?

 

But I do know how street drugs and alcoholism can lowers ones character and get them to do things they otherwise would never have done. I am going to see how she acts on the new meds for a month or so before making a decisions. Thoughts anyone?

[Albertan]

VAman; From your posts it is easy to see you're an intelligent guy. Your posts are well written, easy to read and punctuated by someone who clearly knows how to use a periods and commas.

 

As far as your wife goes though; You are a moron.

 

I'm sorry that is probably harsh but you need to hear this; Your wife is not and probably never will be honest with you! Christ, she is probably not being honest with herself, let alone anyone else. I looked up the drug you said she is on, frankly the list of side effects is bloody scary and I always wonder about anti-depressants anyway, they seem to cause more problems than they fix.

 

You are making excuses for her and blaming yourself and you need to stop that shi*. No you probably weren't a perfect husband but here's a newsflash, no man is. We all make mistakes and when we get married we make a commitment to love and support someone through the good times and the bad. Her actions have been indefensible, now and in the past. It's obvious that you love her and the thought of throwing such a long marriage away and in essence starting from scratch is probably terrifying.

 

Only you can decide what you can live with and what you can forgive and whether your marriage is worth saving. I totally believe that marriages can survive infidelity and they do, everyday. Yet I think you are sacrificing your own happiness and needs in the relationship in trying to save this.