Is pain inevitable?

[OWoman]

So we have that perspective, but no first hand accounts which support it.

 

If a BS isn't hurt by an A, they're unlikely to be posting on LS, are they? So on LS you're likely to get that subset of BSs who have been hurt.

 

Besides which, there are plenty of OWs here who have previously been BWs, and who have shared their BW experience as well as their OW experience... only, many other posters discount those BW experiences because, after all, these are OWs and so must have been shagging the devil all throughout their entire lives, and can't be taken at their word for anything...

[woinlove]

If a BS isn't hurt by an A, they're unlikely to be posting on LS, are they? So on LS you're likely to get that subset of BSs who have been hurt.

 

Yes, which is why I am so moved by the ones who can describe what they felt like pre-d-day and who speak with compassion and perspective. I, like perhaps others here, also have had a very close friend confide in me about her feelings, pre and post d-day.

 

We hear second (and further) hand accounts which are difficult to reconcile with first hand accounts. For example, the idea that most BS must know before d-day. A common theme on d-day stories seem to be the shock and hurt of betrayal. It seems that many BS, although they often suspect something is off, seem to think their spouse is committed and loyal to the M because that is how the BS feels, even though the BS is likely not getting their needs and desires met while their spouse is having an affair.

 

Another idea is that the some BS are happy during the affair because the WS is showering even more attention on them. I can't really imagine what it feels like to have a spouse lie and deceive you, all while showering you with attention and gifts, perhaps out of guilt, perhaps as a cover for their double life. Sounds like hell to me as the intimacy one usually has between H and W must be severely compromised, but, again, I'd like to hear from a BS who's been through such a situation. Perhaps in some cases the WS is such a great deceiver that they do pull it off so convincingly that the W doesn't feel anything is off.

 

Of course, there are also marriages where there is a huge gap between H and W even pre-affair. In such cases, typically, there is then plenty of hurt on all sides.

Edited January 30, 2011 by woinlove

[lovingwhatis]

Pure,

 

What i was commenting on is the slapping of a positive face on a big pile of searing pain. i know i've done it, even when very depressed. People think of me as a very positive person. i was repressing. i still do, but to a much lesser extent because of deeper healing.

 

When one is at either end of the positive/negative spectrum, its unreal. here on ls there is a lot of 'negative drama' but the opposite of that imo isn't positivity, it is peace, and peace is a lot more than positivity.

 

And i do have to say that after reading this discussion, i can see how i was wrong in saying all As cause pain to all. Clearly, different people have very different peceptions/value systems. I was obviously basing the view on limited number of cases. That's why LS is valuable.

[wheelwright]

Perhaps I just have a thicker skin, but I don't class any of that as pain. "Mild disappointment" is just that to me - mild disappointment, not pain. And if someone makes a harsh remark under stress, I don't take it personally. I acknowledge where it is coming from, and leave it there, rather than taking it onto myself.

 

My H did go through stress in the run up to, and during the initial stages of, his split with his xW, because of his concerns for the kids, and because of other traumas he was experiencing in other aspects of his life at that stage. And yes, I empathised with that pain - and experienced some too, related to the other traumas unrelated to the A. But the A itself - brought me no pain.

 

Reading this post brought to mind two things.

 

First, that I agree with others that pain revisits later if you are not ready for it. (That doesn't mean I think it's your case, but IME. If these people are right and it is inevitably painful, well then it'll be there one day. Don't think that is always the case though).

 

Second, I saw a documentary recently which explored the R between pleasure and pain. In the brain, the places for these two are right next to each other, and are clearly related. If you do nothing to cause what brings you pleasure to then bring on pain, you can probably eat chocolate safely. If you go overboard and eat too much chocolate, then eventually, at least in that sitting, it will start to feel painful.

 

If you act in such a way as to make the source of your pleasure also the source of your pain - well then you won't want want more chocolate for a while. If you are a choccy addict, then you might try for the next fix sooner than later.

 

This is basically: I saw my BS hurt, and then I wanted no more chocolate. The very thought of chocolate made me sick.

 

Of course the reverse could happen, and the sight of a hurt AP might make someone sick, and they can't stand to be with the BS.

 

I suspect love is at the bottom of it all.

 

Anyway, if people care about their BS's at all, an A is bound to bring on the pain.

 

As for the AP, presumably if they are either hurt or cause pain, which I imagine is almost bound to happen, then they will feel some. However, if their pleasure/love buttons are still pressed, they will feel that less than the other parties.

 

Same goes for BS who really wants out.

 

Or WS who gets a lot out of the new R.

 

Well, maybe.

Edited January 31, 2011 by wheelwright

[kis]

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

 

I assume we are speaking of emotional pain. But ultimately pain is pain, and it is transient. Have you ever stayed with a sharp physical pain instead of taking a pain killer? Unless it is something that is severely wrong, the pain will eventually go away. But we are conditioned to not want Any pain. In my experience, we are just setting ourselves up for a disappointment.

 

Owoman, You say that you never experienced pain as a result of an A, and assert that others around you haven't haven't either. That in my view is denial. You have never experienced the pain resulting from mild disappointment of someone (H, MM, or friend) who stands you up? Or the pain of watching someone you love be in pain? Or the harsh remark of someone who is under stress and it is subconsciously taking it out on you?

 

In my experience, pain is there, what stories we tell ourselves in order to circumvent the fact that we Do not want to experience the pain is another thing. And why do we not want to experience it? Because since we were kids we got the message that pain to be avoided at all costs.

 

Instead, we can experience the pain of not getting what we want in life, and see that, lo and behold, it is not so bad after all.

 

So yes, I feel that pain in As is inevitable.

 

When you think about it some pain is inevitable in everything in live. Marriage, love, being a parent..everything. Nothing if 100% joy all the time.

[desertIslandCactus]

When you think about it some pain is inevitable in everything in live. Marriage, love, being a parent..everything. Nothing if 100% joy all the time.

 

I would think the natural course of life expectation such as marriage, being a parent does not carry with it the same type of pain as that of affair ..

 

Pain associated with an affair is that of dishonor, degradation.. And a challenge lacking in fulfillment for many.

 

Also, the pain of an affair is self inflicted .. and by entering.

[someday]

Guess it really depends on the people involved, right? And since we cannot possible speak for every person who has ever been involved in an affair I guess we'll have to go by what we know firsthand, right?

 

Well, first how could you possible know that the BSs in your a's where not hurt? Did you ask them? Where you there in their homes? All day/night seven days a week? Did you have a hidden camera so you could make sure they where not sobbing in private?

 

OWoman, I like you, really I do, but honestly you don't know exactly how your involvement in an A has 'hurt' the key players.

[OWoman]

Guess it really depends on the people involved, right? And since we cannot possible speak for every person who has ever been involved in an affair I guess we'll have to go by what we know firsthand, right?

 

Well, first how could you possible know that the BSs in your a's where not hurt? Did you ask them? Where you there in their homes? All day/night seven days a week? Did you have a hidden camera so you could make sure they where not sobbing in private?

 

OWoman, I like you, really I do, but honestly you don't know exactly how your involvement in an A has 'hurt' the key players.

 

But I do know firsthand whether or not I was hurt. And, since I was not, then it must follow that NOT everybody in my A situation was hurt - since it allows only a maximum of two (the BS and WS) who could have been hurt.

[someday]

But I do know firsthand whether or not I was hurt. And, since I was not, then it must follow that NOT everybody in my A situation was hurt - since it allows only a maximum of two (the BS and WS) who could have been hurt.

 

Sorry, but you lost me. Your question was does EVERYONE in the A situation have to be hurt…not did I (the OW) get hurt from the A situation, right? So you asked this question with only the OW in mind? Not the W or the MM…that’s a totally different question than the one you originally asked.

To answer your original question…no, of course not. Every situation is different. I’d think that most A situations result in a lot of pain.

Really, how could the AP know and why would they care?