Boyfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me.

[verysad]

Hi. Ok, here's my situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years. We planned to get married and we were probably going to get engaged within the next couple of weeks. We were extremely close with each other's family and friends. Three weeks ago, he broke up with me. He said he loves me but he doesn't know if he could every fully trust me, and he doesn't want to live like that. This was very out of the blue. It turns out he has been checking my email. I have caught him doing that before a couple of times, but he promised he would never do it again. This time it went further. He did something to store my AOL instant messages to his computer. Three years ago, after my boyfriend and I were dating for only 6 months, one night I flirted with another guy in front of him. He has not been able to get over it since then. I just found out when he broke up with me that after that night when I flirted with the other guy, he was checking my emails between me and my friends for around a month when I was saying that I am attracted to this guy and wondering whether I should hook up with him. I never did because I loved my boyfriend. He never told me of this then. He kept it in for 3 years. Now our relationship was at a much more committed and mature point. This guy and I remained friends because we were in a small school. He always had a girlfriend as well. After school, we kept in contact here and there. He is engaged and lives in another state. My boyfriend did not know that we remained friends at all, because he has an insance jealousy with him and I didn't want to make him worried over nothing. That is the instant message conversation that my boyfriend intercepted. Me and my friend were having a conversation about his wedding plans, my engagement plans, work, mutual friends, and a couple of flirtatious comments were exchanged. That was it, and my boyfriend found this and broke up with me. I am very hurt that he would throw 3 1/2 years down the drain. I love him dearly and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and would never cheat on him or anything. I regret what I did and that I even kept in contact with this guy at all as friends, and of course I do regret the flirtatious comments as well. I guess I thought they were innocent since he was engaged, lived in another state and I thought I was getting engaged. Now my boyfriend cannot trust me, and to be honest, I cannot really trust him right now. He invaded my privacy and broke into my accounts, and now broke up with me. He is acting very cold to me right now. I know he is angry but I wonder, will he really be happier without me? Does he really want to throw 3 1/2 years down the drain. Maybe the only thing I can give him is time. He seems set in his decision, but as I say, he's very angry. He is an extremely insecure and jealous person to begin with. I just can't see it being over. We had a great relationship and were best friends as well as lovers. There were no apparent problems, but I guess there were underlying issues. I just feel lost and don't know what to do now. Should I move on? I have a lot going for me and I feel that I should be with someone who wants to be with me. But right now, I feel that I will never love someone as I love him. I have so many shattered dreams right now. I thought I was getting married soon and instead have to start over. I wish we could both erase the past and forgive and forget. I'm sure I could forgive him b/c I love him, but I guess he doesn't love me enough to....at least not now. Any advice to help cure my broken heart?

[bittersweet]

Do you still talk to him?

 

Does he have any other reasons to believe you would cheat?

 

The best thing you could probably do is write him a long letter. Basically, tell him exactly what you posted. This way, because its a letter, he won't cut you off or ignore you. After you write him the letter, see what happens. Ask him if there was anything else going on to make him break-up because his reason really isn't valid. If you aren't doing anything wrong, tell him you don't give a s*** if he reads your private conversations. Tell him you aren't interseted in anyone else and ask how he'd feel if you were reading his messages too.

 

You two sound serious and I honestly don't know why he would break-up over something so ridiculos. He is probably waiting for some reassurance and special attention. Why not though, right? After all, if you two were planning to marry, you'd have to learn to respect each other's feelings.

[verysad]

Thanks bittersweet.

I tried writing to him. He said he feels this is the best thing for now. He has to be on his own and think about things. In other words, he just doesn't want to be with me anymore! I'm so sad and heartbroken. We were very serious, but I can't make him want to be with me. I can't make him change his mind. And of course in the back of my mind I think that he'll realize his mistake and regret it. But I think that is just wishful thinking. I think I really need to move on, as sad as it is. My problem is not emailing him. I can not call him, but when I'm at work in front of a computer and I know that I can email him and he will get it right away and respond (because he does always respond), it's hard to resist. But we just end up fighting because I want to work it out and he doesn't. I think that I deserve to meet someone who wants to be with me now and who trusts me, not who is unsure and runs away. That's what he did. He ran away, he's a coward. I just wish I had the willpower not to contact him!!

[bittersweet]

I'm kind of in the same situation, but my b/f was cheating. We stayed together and two weeks later (this weekend) he broke up with me and hung out with the other girl again. I feel like I'm chasing him too and I regret everytime we talk. We were very serious too- 6 years! This is very overwelming and I know how you feel. You kind of want to turn back time.

 

I haven't seen my X for a few days now (we use to be together everyday) but we're trying to talk about where we should take this. He ran away the second time because he couldn't deal with what he did to me and he feels it's a lost cause- like I'll never be able to trust him.

 

I'll tell you what... As soon as I make it clear that he's such a fool and I deserve much better, he gets very very afraid.

 

Don't chase him. He'll realize what he's missing when he sees it leaving!

[spencer]

I seems to me that he conviently held this information in, waiting for an opportune time to launch it.

I ask "what else is up?"

 

He has been fuming for 3 years and has never brought this up.

i don't believe it for a second, its not normal. this is an extreme reaction.

You have done nothing wrong. let him get over himself.

[sinkerswim]

My boyfriend/fiance and I were very serious as well..8 years together.

I have the urge to call him all the time, but I stop myself.

 

I havent seen him since Feb 3rd. I miss him tremendously.

I am in a horrible depression.

 

How can he love me soo much one day, then the next hes gone?

He said I was always questioning him when I shouldnt have...which is true.

But I have bent over backwards for this guy,

We have shared sooo much together the past 8 years. Ive been there for him during his worst times.

I am getting help now..but hes not here.

I am still praying very hard that he will reconcile with me.

Like I said...we have a long past.

He never fully gave me closure on what he wanted to do.

[verysad]

To sinkerswim:

I can't imagine how you feel after 8 years and an engagement. It is so hard. I try to think that there must be someone else who will make us happy, even though we don't feel it now.

I feel the same way about the closure. No matter how many times they try to explain it to us, there are always more questions and more things we want to say. I guess it's because we can never understand how they feel because we don't feel that way.

I keep trying to tell myself that I shouldn't waste my time on someone who cannot appreciate and love me, and right now, my ex cannot. Maybe in the future he can, but I don't even want to think that. I just want to move on now, for my own sanity. Only time will really tell what will happen. They can say it's over for good now, but no one can know that yet. It really is too soon. There are too many emotions and angry feelings getting in the way. My problem is that I am impatient. I want it all to get resolved very soon. But it won't.

I feel the same way that I loved him unconditionally and he really let me down now. I feel very betrayed.

You are very strong for cutting contact. I am not at that point yet where I can. I need the willpower, but I don't have it yet.