How To Resond When People Ask When We Are Getting Married

[Rose1977]

This has been soooo frustrating for me. First of all, I think it's rude for casual acquaintances to ask me and my bf when we will get engaged. Of course I talk to my cose girlfriends about it, but I don't understand why people feel the need to incessantly ask when we will be getting married.

 

maybe it's our age? Me, 33 (once divorced, seven year old son) him 34. We have had a rough road to get to where we are and dealt with some infidelity (on his part) early on. We refocused, are in counseling and I relocated to be with him, as he cannot leave his job. We both have very specific goals we want to meet before marriage because we feel that without focusing on some issues and fixing them, our marriage may not be successful. I would think most would consider that a mature decision to make.

 

It's not like the discussion hasn't been had. We know we want one child, we know what kind of wedding we want, he knows what kind of ring I want, etc. etc...

 

More importantly, he is amazing to my son. That is THE most wwonderful part about the whole thing. He, my ex-husband, my son and I get along wonderfully and even do family outings all of us. I kind ofthink my ex and my BF have a little bit of a bromance going on lol, but whatever, it works for us.

 

i guess I am just frustrated b/c it seems people constantly ask when I think we will get engaged. I honestly don't know. We will get engaged when we are ready. It seems like people try to insinuate that he doesn't love me enough to marry me or whatever, and I guess my own insecurities then feed off of that.

 

I generally just respond by saying, "We will get married when we are ready." What else can I say?

 

I am TRULY comfortable with the situation the way it is. My first engagement was not a surprise, I picked out the ring and knew when I was getting it. I KNOW my bf will pull out all the stops and surprise me when the time is right. IMO, that will give me greater satisfaction - knowing that we worked hard to build a strong relationship before rushing into something.

 

Guess this was more of a rant, sorry

 

If anyone has any better suggestions on witty responses to this question I am all ears.

 

And I have been around LS long enough to know one of you wise a**es will start your post with, "So Rose when are you getting engaged?"

 

Thanks for listening to my morning vent.

[TigerCub]

i guess I am just frustrated b/c it seems people constantly ask when I think we will get engaged. I honestly don't know. We will get engaged when we are ready. It seems like people try to insinuate that he doesn't love me enough to marry me or whatever, and I guess my own insecurities then feed off of that.

 

Hey Rose,

Yeah the part in bold - I actually get the sense that that is more you than what people are really thinking.

 

People are intrusive sometimes without meaning to be.

Like, when my sister got married, I swear, like 2 months later, I get a comment from a relative "Is she pregnant yet?"

 

I'm like "Really? how is that anyone business? Why does she have to be on YOUR timeline?"

 

Honestly I think that people just ask silly things like that without thinking about it or insinuating anything.

 

as far as your replies, what I would say to a question like that is

 

"Oh we'd rather be happy than married"

 

Give em a big grin and move on to the next topic

[Iconoclast]

People asking that is so damn common, it's like saying "hey how's it going". Like TigerCub says, it's you. It bothers you that he has not asked you yet, and so it irritates you when people ask.

You're not nearly as comfortable with the situation as you think you are.

[PeachyPink]

Marriage is a huge lifelong undertaking. Most people nowadays skip over the realization of the lifelong part.

 

So, you say, "Marriage is a deep commitment that I (or we) want to fulfill to the best of our abilities. We will take that step when we feel we are able."

[Rose1977]

Thanks for your responses. At least I know I am not the only one going thru this, and TigerCub, I remember as well people asking me as soon as I got home from my honeymoon if I was pregnant.

 

It really isn't me that the marriage thing bothers, it's other people and the way I feel like they expect my life to fit into a timeline they feel is appropriate. I posted this question yesterday after attending a dinner party the night before where the wife of one of my bf's work colleagues asked when we were getting married and how long I was prepared to wait for an engagement. It's the inappropriateness of people's questions that bothers me, I just think it's a private matter, but when I have said that in the past, I apparantly offend people. But they offend me by getting into my personal business. Ugh, just a frustrating situation, but I'm sure a lot of people deal with it.

[ShatteredReality]

Well....you could always respond in like....they ask when you're getting married, you calmly reply, "When we're ready" or "Eventually" or just plain "Not sure" and then, don't skip a beat - ask the most inappropriate question in return that you can think of. "When are you going to lose weight/get in shape?" "When are you going to dye away those grays?" "When are you going to get a real job?" Etc.

 

My oldest son is darker than my husband or I. It's the Italian in him that - he's the exact same color as my biological father - who is now dead. Before that he lived 3000 miles away anyway, though, so most people around here don't know him. I cannot tell you how often someone would ask either me or my husband or MY SON "Is his real father Mexican?" (We got is his dad black a couple times too, in the summer he gets Milato dark - simply a beautiful complexion I tell ya)

 

Seriously. People have NO radar on what is or is not ok to say or ask. I really don't care that people ask me - but when they've asked my son - that's where I draw the line. And I feel bad for my H, also, because it doesn't look very good for him that they think the kid I had 9 months into our marriage would be anybody elses but his.