Regret breaking up with him - how do I cope?

[ac168]

There seems to be a lot of advice here for those who were dumped by their significant others, but very little for those who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, realized it was a mistake, and now have to deal with moving on.

 

So I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago. We were only together for 4 months, but it was my first serious relationship and I’m having trouble dealing with the loss. At the time, I ended things only because I was afraid that we were moving too fast physically and I found myself doing things that I didn’t want to because I thought it would make him happy. See, I’ve always had pretty low self-esteem and I felt like I was always going to give in to whatever he asked for because I didn’t want to lose him. I’ve never felt secure in his feelings for me, partly because he was always very vague about that and partly because I just didn’t think someone like him would want to be with someone like myself.

 

Before we broke up, I told him that I thought we needed to slow down. He agreed to try it but said that he felt like I was always trying to find a reason to not be in the relationship. Then he told me that he wanted me to be more emotionally available because I had too many walls put up. After that conversation, I started to think that maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be with him since we expected different things from a relationship. I didn’t think I could be the kind of girlfriend he was expecting, at least not with the self-esteem issues that I had. So I decided it was better to let him go so he could find someone that could give him what he was looking for.

 

I still miss him. He was a good guy and I feel guilty about how things ended. The good thing is that this experience has made me realize that I really need to work on my issues and I’ve started seeking help for this. I’ve also been keeping busy with different activities, spending time with my friends and journaling daily so I don’t keep everything inside. All this is helping to an extent and I’m doing a lot better, but I still think about him every day, especially when I have nothing to do and my mind starts to wander. I don’t want to keep thinking about him because then I will never move forward. I have this fear that I won’t be able to find someone else that feel the same way about and if I did, I would end up making the same mistakes. Is there anything else I can do to get past this? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this if you made it to the end.

[D78]

...See, I’ve always had pretty low self-esteem and I felt like I was always going to give in to whatever he asked for because I didn’t want to lose him. I’ve never felt secure in his feelings for me, partly because he was always very vague about that and partly because I just didn’t think someone like him would want to be with someone like myself...

 

You already know this, but you won't be able to have a good relationship until you believe you are worth it. You have to build up your self-esteem. Once you are more confident, you can clearly communicate to your SO what you want, and you won't do things you don't want to do just to keep him.

 

Also, realize that if you weren't good enough for him he wouldn't have been with you. He was with you, so you were good enough. Sometimes it's just that simple.

 

 

...I didn’t think I could be the kind of girlfriend he was expecting, at least not with the self-esteem issues that I had. So I decided it was better to let him go so he could find someone that could give him what he was looking for...

 

You probably did the right thing. You had the beginning of what would be a pretty bad relationship IMHO. You were strong enough and mature enough to look at yourself and realize that you couldn't be a good match until you resolved your self-esteem issues. I think what you did was great. Many people are not strong enough to do what you did.

 

 

...I don’t want to keep thinking about him because then I will never move forward. I have this fear that I won’t be able to find someone else that feel the same way about and if I did, I would end up making the same mistakes. Is there anything else I can do to get past this?...

 

Stay single until you understand why you made mistakes in this relationship, you accept yourself, and you can be happy on your own. You can learn from the mistakes. As long as you give yourself time to grow from this, you won't repeat your mistakes in the next relationship.

 

And, I promise that you will find someone who makes you feel even better than he did.

 

You will think about him less and less over time. It seems like all the advice for people who have been dumped would apply equally to your situation, and you're already doing a lot of it (working on yourself, etc.). So, just give it time and continue on the path you're on. You will be fine in your next relationship.

 

Good luck

[lululucy]

I'm in the same boat, actually -- I asked my boyfriend of 3.5 years for a break in November and I really regret it now. I don't know if I regret it for real reasons or because my ego is stung by him moving on (or seeming to) so quickly.. regardless, it sucks.

 

D78 has some good advice! work on yourself before you put yourself back in that situation. Don't regret, just move forward.

[Graceful]

You know what I picked up on, ac168? This is your first serious relationship. So that tells me volumes.

 

Know why?

 

You are a very smart cookie, that's why. For someone with no prior experience in all this relationship merry-go-round stuff, you handled yourself and know yourself very well. I am actually very impressed.

 

And you said you made a mistake? I don't really see it that way, but that's why you're here, right? To get some objective advice. So here goes.

 

At the time, I ended things only because I was afraid that we were moving too fast physically and I found myself doing things that I didn’t want to because I thought it would make him happy. See, I’ve always had pretty low self-esteem and I felt like I was always going to give in to whatever he asked for because I didn’t want to lose him.

If you felt like you were moving too fast, then you were. That's all that matters. How you felt about it is the only yardstick. If it didn't feel right, then you followed your instincts, no reason to second guess yourself. Again, your first relationship. You don't even know how much, how soon, whatever. No prior experience. You just used what was in your gut. So pat yourself on the back.

 

Before we broke up, I told him that I thought we needed to slow down. He agreed to try it but said that he felt like I was always trying to find a reason to not be in the relationship. Then he told me that he wanted me to be more emotionally available because I had too many walls put up. After that conversation, I started to think that maybe he was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be with him since we expected different things from a relationship.

Was he older than you, or did he have more experience than you do? All I can say is that it doesn't sound like the two of you were communicating very well. He may have been "right" but his communication style and his ability to discuss how he felt with you seems a little brusque, from the sound of it. I don't know, but it just seems like you both had good reasons to put forth in how you felt, but the delivery was off the mark. Is that how you felt?

 

Look, you know you have issues, and you know you need to work on them, so you can move forward and feel like a really healthy and whole person. Your self esteem, by your own admission, needs a boost and you need to start to believe in yourself ON YOUR OWN, not by getting approval from a guy. You boost the self-esteem, and the rest falls into place. The walls come down when you feel good about yourself, because you can handle your emotions more truthfully and that's when the walls come down. And you know... healthy boundaries are a good thing, too. So it's okay to have boundaries, once you can see that's not the same thing as being unavailable emotionally.

 

All this is helping to an extent and I’m doing a lot better, but I still think about him every day, especially when I have nothing to do and my mind starts to wander. I don’t want to keep thinking about him because then I will never move forward.

So what if you think about him every day? I mean, seriously, what's the big deal? Think about him, let the thoughts pass through like a train going through a train station, and get on with your day. I mean that. Just let it happen. You can't control your mind from doing this right now, the breakup is recent, so just deal with it for what it is. You miss him, he was a nice guy, and he was your first real BF.

 

I'd be a lot more surprised if you weren't thinking about him.

 

You're doing just fine. Enjoy time with your friends, be good to yourself, if there's something you've been wanting, splurge and go get it. Journal your heart out. And be very happy that you had a chance to find out how nice a relationship can be, because a relationship with a special person makes life pretty wonderful. Now you know.

 

And, um, this is just my opinion, but a smart, nice, lovable person such as you is certainly going to meet some great guys in the future. You know what they say? The best is yet to come. Stay sweet and take care.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Graceful