6 Months of Confusion and False Hope

[aimlesslee]

Well, I have been a lurker on here for the past 6 months but could never find the courage to tell my own story. I guess I have a fear that if I really put it out there people will see my failure as strongly as I feel it. Silly, but not much about my emotions makes sense lately.

 

Background

 

I've known my husband since I was 15. We were friends for years and married when I was 23 and he was 22. I had a child before we got together and he accepted her as his own and has raised her since she was 3 months old. He's always been a great father, provider and husband. I thought we had it made, we were going to beat the odds......... guess we all believe that don't we? No affairs, no violence, just a good, normal marriage.

After moving across the country so my H could take a promotion I decided to stop working and stay at home taking care of my family. As much as I loved it, according to my husband I started to lose myself. I had no desire for a social life that didn't include my H and because he did many things without me it started to create resentment on his part. He slowly started to retreat into online gaming and it quickly grew into what I would call an addiction. Little did I know, he was using it as an escape from me and our life together.

About 9 months ago I expressed my unhappiness about the situation and he assured me things would change, but they didn't. About a month later he told me that he was unhappy as well and felt we had nothing in common anymore. During this time I found a job which I absolutely love.

Anyway, a month or so goes by and things are going from bad to worse between us. We've always been best friends but it seemed that was all we were. He had a trip back home planned with our daughter(I stayed home for work) and I told him to take that time to figure out what he wanted. Well he returned from that trip and informed me that he wasn't sure if he was still in love with me and didn't know if he wanted to work on the marriage. Unfortunately, I believed this was all part of a midlife crisis. My h had never been single in his adult life, had recently bought a motorcycle and had started to listening to different music and spent a lot of time just riding that bike.

The next day he informed me, through a copious amount of tears that he was going to move out for a while. As hurt as I was, I knew something had to be done. We were dying as a couple. During my marriage I gained a lot of weight and had started to work out and eat better and was on my way to being healthy again. For that first month (longer than I expected him to be gone) we spoke occasionally and saw each other when he came to pick up our DD. She's 16 so I don't need to really be involved in the planning of their visits. He was living in his own apt. in the city about 45 mins. away from us. One day he showed up at my work and asked me to come in for the night. (At this point I had lost about 20 pounds and was looking quite different lol) We went for dinner and started our dating thing, including a sexual relationship that lasted for 5 months. We discussed our marriage but he was never willing to come home and work on it. During this time, I left all contact initiation up to him. Part of me still had my pride and didn't want to seem needy. Problem is that contact turned into for lack of a better term, booty calls. At times he thought I was moving on and became jealous and would manipulate me into halting whatever progress I had made.

So here we are, 6 months later and I haven't heard from him in over a week, the longest we've ever gone without talking. I'm assuming he has found somebody else, even though he told our D he's not seeing anyone. I've realized that this person, my best friend, my confidant, my husband, is not a person I recognize anymore. He tells me I'm his best friend, but who actually treats their best friend this way? I don't that's for sure. There's so much more I could write about but really this is the gist of it. He has recently lost his job but has a guaranteed income until the summer so he's literally free to do what he wants.

Is it normal to expect the man who you married to suddenly re-appear or is that person that I once knew gone for good? I struggle daily with knowing that I need to move on, take some control of my own life. I can't live for him anymore. So easy to say, so hard to do. I'm thinking of trying out the online dating scene, feeling much more confident now that I've lost 35 pounds. Has anyone had any luck with that? I can't spend another weekend alone that's for sure. I have a couple of girlfriends, both married, neither who go out without their hubbies. I have no family here, and with my D being almost 17, play dates are out! lol I've started going to the local restaurant/lounge and have no problem eating and having a few drinks by myself anymore. I've received no weird looks or whispers so that's what I do when the silence in the house becomes deafening. But.... I need the companionship and the conversation. I know I shouldn't move on if I have unresolved feelings but I know no other way to resolve them than to starting doing things that make me happy.

So, there's my story. I feel shame in saying that my marriage has failed, but I honestly have done everything in my power to save it. Asked for counselling (no), I've given him more time and space than I think is acceptable, and haven't even asked him to come and get his stuff (most of his clothes are still here).

It's time for me now i guess, but how do you attempt to happily live your life alone, when for 16 years you've shared it with another.

Thanks for listening.

[2sure]

You are no where close to consider dating, even if he is or does.

You are no where near divorce until someone files.

You are in limbo. And thats not right.

Marriages and relationships breakdown and have cycles...both of you have contributed and maybe this is the end of the line...

 

But not yet. He hasnt made a decision. He hasnt had to . You have accepted, if not his new self - the role he has handed you in his new life.

You dont like it. Dont accept it.

 

He hasnt called, has not tried to come to resolution. Make a decision. For yourself and force him to make a decision. See a lawyer. File.

Those steps are small and will either be a wake up call for him or part of a new beginning for you.

 

Limbo sucks.

[hopesndreams]

Like 2sure said, you need to make a decision. Are you ready to embark on a whole other life? Freedom to come and go, choose what makes you happy and putting yourself 1st? Or, will you continue to eat whatever crumbs he throws your way, waiting for him to make a decision, waiting for him to decide your fate?

 

Like you said, he is a stranger to you now. Where is that lovely man you trusted your heart to? Can he still be found? Chances are he is gone forever. He has been living life for himself, shirking all responsibilities, using and manipulating you to suit him. Is that acceptable? If so, continue on as you are. If not, file for D and since you had no children with him and the daughter he did raise from a baby can deal with him herself, you can NC his azz. NC will put you on the right path to healing and onto the new, happy life you are worthy of.

 

It takes time though. You must grieve 1st before embarking on another relationship but there is nothing wrong with being social, having some fun, testing the waters and going out on a few dates. Best to do all that after cutting all ties.

[VAman]

I am amazed at how many of our stories are so much alike with there subtle differences.

 

Not unlike your husband, my wife became someone I did not recognize.

 

I am no where near resolution with my wife. She can't decide what she wants.

 

I have no answer for me or anyone else, all I have is hope and belief that I will get through this one way or the other and be a better person for it.

 

You will too!

[aimlesslee]

Thanks for the responses. I can't file papers until we've been separated for a year where we live and I see no reason to file for legal separation. He still pays all the bills and has continued to live up to all financial responsibilities.

I am definitely not content with the crumbs he's been throwing me and that's why I'm making my first real attempt to move forward. I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, just looking to have fun and gain somewhat of a social life. lol

NC is easy, as we don't need to discuss visitation. I've never been the one to contact him so I can carry on as I have for the past 6 months.

Thanks again for the responses, much appreciated.

[aimlesslee]

You're right VAman, we will get through it! Really no alternative at this point! lol By my husband not deciding what he wants he has decided what he doesn't want, which is me. It's a sad fact to face but I can't help how he feels and 6 months of trying to hasn't worked...... so, I've decided to listen to his actions, not his words, they speak the loudest.

I hope you get the resolution you so rightly deserve. Limboland is horrible!

[rugbyplayer1990]

Keep posting, I think your story is insiring to many here. WOW congratulations on the 35 lbs!!!!! that's awsome

[Albertan]

Totally agree with 2sure here.

You need to start making decisions for yourself and stop letting H call all the shots.

[aimlesslee]

Well I guess my assumptions were true..... My husband finally took our daughter to his new apartment last night. I asked her how it went and she asked me if I left a Cosmo magazine there.. that would be pretty hard since I've never been. Then she asked me about an alcohol that my H does not drink, yet there was an empty bottle of it. It's funny cause the first thing he said to her when they got there was, "As you can see nobody else is living here". Living, no, visiting.... obviously.

Truth be told, it didn't sting like I thought it would, maybe because I already assumed that was the case, but it just confirmed the fact that I really need to continue to live my life for me and move on. I think it's a good thing that it doesn't make me want to run out and jump the first guy I can find just to get even, I guess I care a little less than I thought I would. 3 months ago this would have crushed me, today.... not so much. It's now been almost 3 weeks of NC, and I made sure I was gone when he picked her up and dropped her off yesterday. He calls it "running off", I call it keeping my sanity. I feel so much better when there is no contact because there's nothing to expect. I don't expect a phone call, a text, an email, a hug.. nothing, and that makes it so much easier. Making the decision to be happy in spite of my H is huge. My happiness is the one thing I can control in this relationship. My hope is that others suffering on this board can get to this place as well. It took me 6 months but I'm so glad I'm here now.

[sammyd]

Good for you:) You've now decided what you want, and it's time to tell him. You need closure on this so you can move on. File for divorce. Until you are totally free you won't be able to move on completely. And ditto the comments on the 35lb, amazing:)

[worldgonewrong]

I am amazed at how many of our stories are so much alike with there subtle differences.

 

Not unlike your husband, my wife became someone I did not recognize.

 

I am no where near resolution with my wife. She can't decide what she wants.

 

I have no answer for me or anyone else, all I have is hope and belief that I will get through this one way or the other and be a better person for it.

 

You will too!

 

VAman - wow, this comment really resonated with me. Spot on.

[tobydog1]

Well done for handling this with so much dignity!!! Unlike me.....idiot that I am

 

But you have proof now and have all the right emotions about moving on.

I too do not recognise my stbx, he's not my A anymore that is for sure.

 

I hope I get your strength, I am 4 months into my split.

 

Take care and keep strong...Dx

 

Well done on the weight loss, I have lost 28lb and am looking good too

and feel nearly ready to get out there and have a bit of fun, nearly...just a bit of flirting, after 15 years I can't imagine doing anything else at the mo!!!! xxx

[aimlesslee]

Well done for handling this with so much dignity!!! Unlike me.....idiot that I am

 

But you have proof now and have all the right emotions about moving on.

I too do not recognise my stbx, he's not my A anymore that is for sure.

 

I hope I get your strength, I am 4 months into my split.

 

Take care and keep strong...Dx

 

Well done on the weight loss, I have lost 28lb and am looking good too

and feel nearly ready to get out there and have a bit of fun, nearly...just a bit of flirting, after 15 years I can't imagine doing anything else at the mo!!!! xxx

 

I just started simple..... dinner out by myself (gasp) and now I know most of the servers and bartenders where I go lol I even went to dance lessons with a girlfriend the other night. No one said we had to bring a partner! So we just sat and watched other people learn lol It's all about getting out and hearing background noise if nothing else. 4 months into my separation I was still in the heartbroken stage, and blindly hanging on to hope that my X would one day wake up and realize how much he still loved me.... ain't gonna happen for me... Once that truly sunk in is when I really started to re-evaluate.

Congratulations on the weight loss!! That's awesome. I hope with it has come a new sense of self confidence that you've never felt before, it sure did with me. It's the one thing that shocked the crap out of my X. He could see it so I know others do too.

It will get better, I'm only 2 months longer than you so I definitely am no expert but it's amazing what a month can do. The best thing for me has been the no contact. It makes my day to day so much easier...... big hugs!!!