, upset, sad, I need a resolution?

[BOKI5]

My bf...

 

Everything was going Ok...

 

He has been going through a lot, one of the things he told me is his bro is extremely sick. And he said in "times like these" he needs space. So, I gave him 2 weeks, no contact to him or from him. So, I started to get upset and sent him an mad text. He calls me a little later and says, "I don't wanna fight, my brother just died. Just please...I'll see you. I love you."

 

So, he picks me up to come to his house and we talk about what's been going on..okay..

 

So, a few days later I asked him how is everything going.

 

And he said, "You really DK what to say when someone is in grief and blah blah blah."

 

Then he said, "Please, give my my space, I'm not shutting you out. I deal with things differently. I just need to be alone tight now."

 

So, it's been like a week and nothing from him...

 

Maybe I should just let this go.

 

I'm not trying to be selfish but I mean how much space do you need...

Edited January 29, 2011 by BOKI5

[ivalm]

HIS BROTHER JUST DIED!

 

For crying out loud, he loves you, but he needs his space. You ARE being selfish and b*tchy.. If you love him, which from your post is not certain, you should let him work it out!

 

Something like loosing a brother can acutely affect a person for many weeks and have residual effects for many years!

[SmileFace]

HIS BROTHER JUST DIED!

 

For crying out loud, he loves you, but he needs his space. You ARE being selfish and b*tchy.. If you love him, which from your post is not certain, you should let him work it out!

 

Something like loosing a brother can acutely affect a person for many weeks and have residual effects for many years!

Harsh!

 

I think she just wants to be there for him . It must hurt her to know he is in this pain.

 

Yet, you have to understand he is telling you how he deals with it. So please give him his space. This is a horrible thing to deal with . Just wait if you really love him.

[AverageJoe]

Wow...just wow.

 

I sometimes dismiss the reality that there are women out there with this mentality.

 

Please break up with this person immediately. He does not deserve the added emotional sewage of you during a time of losing his brother.

 

I really hope this is a troll post.

[BOKI5]

HIS BROTHER JUST DIED!

 

For crying out loud, he loves you, but he needs his space. You ARE being selfish and b*tchy.. If you love him, which from your post is not certain, you should let him work it out!

 

Something like loosing a brother can acutely affect a person for many weeks and have residual effects for many years!

You don't know **** about me or everything about the relationship. You can be real but if it's not constructive feedback, keep it moving. If I didn't care about him, I wouldn't keep telling him that I am there for him.

 

Harsh!

 

I think she just wants to be there for him . It must hurt her to know he is in this pain.

Yes, it hurts me that he's dealing with it. But it hurts too that I feel like he's pushing me away.

Yet, you have to understand he is telling you how he deals with it. So please give him his space. This is a horrible thing to deal with . Just wait if you really love him.

 

I know death is hard to deal with it, I lost a parent and it ****ed me up. I just wish he would draw closer to me.

 

How long do you think I should wait?

 

So, I guess him departing from me isn't unusual?

 

An acquaintance said I should just move on. She said I'm too pretty to deal with this and I should date someone else. I said, "So, if your loved one died, you wouldn't push your bf away?" She said, No. She told me not to be sad or upset because he's not worth it.

 

She's older than me so I figured older folks know best, so it just made me even more dubious.

 

 

eta: No, this isn't a troll thread. Either be constructive or keep it moving. If I didn't care, I wouldn't keep asking him if he's okay or saying, that I am there for you. I even prayed for his brother every night while he was sick.

 

 

Edited January 29, 2011 by BOKI5

[SmileFace]

 

I know death is hard to deal with it, I lost a parent and it ****ed me up. I just wish he would draw closer to me.

 

How long do you think I should wait?

 

So, I guess him departing from me isn't unsual?

 

An acquaintance said I should just move on. She said I'm too pretty to deal with this and I should date someone else. I said, "So, if your loved one died, you wouldn't push your bf away?" She said, No. She told me not to be sad or upset because he's not worth it.

 

She's older than me so I figured older folks know best, so it just made me even more dubious.

 

 

You should just date someone else? Your friend is an absolute Cunt!

 

Yet it is your choice. Do you want to wait until he may come around?

 

Please remember, it doesn't matter how much pain you are feeling over this situation. I can bet my bottom dollar that he is feeling worse.

 

If you are not emotionally stable to stay in this situation. Then move on.

Yet if you really love him - I say wait . However long it may be.

 

How can you even be there for someone when you can't even not be there for them?

[hydorclops]

BOKI5, I don't see anything in your post that makes you into a bitch.

 

I've had family members die and I didn't tell anyone to **** off and leave me alone.

 

I really don't get it. It's, "Something terrible happened. Your presence is making it worse, get away."

 

Seriously?

 

But I guess that's the best he's got. Pushing for anything will make him even angrier I guess. Sorry.

 

Just another opinion.

[spiderowl]

His brother just died and he's in shock and grief. He doesn't know how to deal with it and he's not in a mental state where he can look after someone else either. He probably feels like shutting the world out. This must be painful for you as you want to help him. If things were OK between you before his brother become ill, then it's fairly clear that the trauma is what is affecting your boyfriend. If things weren't OK, then maybe there is another level to this too.

 

Either way, I think all you can do is to tell him you will respect his wishes and leave him to deal with his feelings and that you will be there if he wants to be with you. He may not want to talk about his feelings. Then just get on with doing the things you'd normally do. If he doesn't come around after a while after the funeral, then maybe you should give up him as a boyfriend but still be there for him as a friend. You will be free to see others than.

[AverageJoe]

BOKI5, I don't see anything in your post that makes you into a bitch.

 

I've had family members die and I didn't tell anyone to **** off and leave me alone.

 

Being a little dramatic are we? According to her post he never told her to **** off.

[hydorclops]

I wasn't being dramatic but you were:

 

Please break up with this person immediately. He does not deserve the added emotional sewage of you during a time of losing his brother.

[AverageJoe]

 

Either way, I think all you can do is to tell him you will respect his wishes and leave him to deal with his feelings and that you will be there if he wants to be with you.

 

I agree with everything you said, except this quote. She does not want to be there, as indicated by her post.

[BOKI5]

You should just date someone else? Your friend is an absolute Cunt!

 

Yet it is your choice. Do you want to wait until he may come around?

 

Please remember, it doesn't matter how much pain you are feeling over this situation. I can bet my bottom dollar that he is feeling worse.

 

If you are not emotionally stable to stay in this situation. Then move on.

Yet if you really love him - I say wait . However long it may be.

 

How can you even be there for someone when you can't even not be there for them?

 

Yeah, I told her the situation and she said I should just move on.

 

I am a loyal person and it's just that I feel like it's weird he is pushing me away. I'm a cynical person so sometimes I feel like maybe he is using it as an excuse to end it. But at the same time, how do you go from 60 to 0 so quick... Yes, he is dealing with death...I guess I just see this as odd...

 

BOKI5, I don't see anything in your post that makes you into a bitch.

 

I've had family members die and I didn't tell anyone to **** off and leave me alone.

 

I really don't get it. It's, "Something terrible happened. Your presence is making it worse, get away."

 

Seriously?

 

But I guess that's the best he's got. Pushing for anything will make him even angrier I guess. Sorry.

 

Just another opinion.

 

He didn't say it like that but I'm a cynical person so I feel like maybe he is using this an excuse?

 

See, I felt like that was weird too. It's like, wow, I am REALLY being there for you and you need your space.

 

Sometimes I feel like what if I wait for nothing.

 

I just feel confused.

 

When I lost a loved one, I didn't talk about that person but I didn't push my loved ones away.

 

 

 

[AverageJoe]

I wasn't being dramatic but you were:

 

Not really dramatic. More of a remedy.

[Nexus One]

So after 2 weeks you already want to move on. If you were waiting for a call from a guy you were dating, ok, that might be considered reasonable. But we're talking about mourning here. It's possible he's getting drunk and doesn't want you to be around him when he's drunk. I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but that's a possibility.

 

Women should be careful with that "advice" from other female acquaintances. I've seen some ****ty advice coming from some women on these forums. Advice that would have broken up relationships where there was no need for it. Advice is just that, you don't have to take it.

[BOKI5]

His brother just died and he's in shock and grief. He doesn't know how to deal with it and he's not in a mental state where he can look after someone else either. He probably feels like shutting the world out. This must be painful for you as you want to help him. If things were OK between you before his brother become ill, then it's fairly clear that the trauma is what is affecting your boyfriend. If things weren't OK, then maybe there is another level to this too.

 

Either way, I think all you can do is to tell him you will respect his wishes and leave him to deal with his feelings and that you will be there if he wants to be with you. He may not want to talk about his feelings. Then just get on with doing the things you'd normally do. If he doesn't come around after a while after the funeral, then maybe you should give up him as a boyfriend but still be there for him as a friend. You will be free to see others than.

 

Things were Ok...

 

What is "after a while"? 3 weeks? 1 month? 2 months?

 

I know you never get over it but when should he contact me? His birthday is coming up next week...

 

He is optimistic so I expected him to...

 

I don't even know what to think anymore.

 

 

 

[Nexus One]

Quit worrying so much. You need to be a tranquil, peaceful and steady pillar for him to lean on when he comes back. All this worrying and chasing your own tail is futile. Let it go, relax...relax.......relax.

[BOKI5]

Quit worrying so much. You need to be a tranquil, peaceful and steady pillar for him to lean on when he comes back. All this worrying and chasing your own tail is futile. Let it go, relax...relax.......relax.

 

I know but that acquintance said I should let it go.

 

Today

 

Her: How is things with your bf?

 

Me: I did see him and we talked but he still said he needs space.

 

Her: Forget about it. Move on. You're too pretty for this. Don't be sad or mad. He's not worth it, don't be mad, don't be sad.

 

Me: So, if you lost a loved one, you wouldn't push your bf away.

 

Her: No. Don't be sad, he's not worth it.

 

She's a nice lady and she's like 30 so I figured, well she is older than me so she has more wisdom.

 

So, I felt like maybe he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But even when we talked, he said he wanted to marry me. I am almost 15 years younger than him, he is in his late 30s. He is Muslim too.

 

So, I feel like if he didn't care about me, then he wouldn't be talking about this

 

It's not like I choose to feel this way. YOU Can't help what you feel.

 

It just hurts a little that he doesn't want to include me in the grief process.

[Jannah]

OP - how long have you been with your boyfriend? Has he been through something like this before - if you've been together for some time now, how does he typically react?

 

I know when my cousin lost her brother suddenly, she withdrew at first, then she needed to be around people constantly and then she withdrew again after some time and that pattern went on for close to three years. It was only after about three years, where things kind of leveled out for her in terms of dealing with her loss.

 

Losing a sibling, I cannot imagine how hard that would be on someone, and everyone grieves in their own way but maybe if we had a better understanding of him and your relationship together it would help.

[Nexus One]

I know but that acquintance said I should let it go.

 

Today

 

Her: How is things with your bf?

 

Me: I did see him and we talked but he still said he needs space.

 

Her: Forget about it. Move on. You're too pretty for this. Don't be sad or mad. He's not worth it, don't be mad, don't be sad.

 

Me: So, if you lost a loved one, you wouldn't push your bf away.

 

Her: No. Don't be sad, he's not worth it.

 

She's a nice lady and she's like 30 so I figured, well she is older than me so she has more wisdom.

 

So, I felt like maybe he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But even when we talked, he said he wanted to marry me. I am almost 15 years younger than him, he is in his late 30s. He is Muslim too.

 

So, I feel like if he didn't care about me, then he wouldn't be talking about this

 

It's not like I choose to feel this way. YOU Can't help what you feel.

 

It just hurts a little that he doesn't want to include me in the grief process.

 

I'll just post this reply here again that I posted earlier: "Women should be careful with that "advice" from other female acquaintances. I've seen some sh*tty advice coming from some women on these forums. Advice that would have broken up relationships where there was no need for it. Advice is just that, you don't have to take it."

 

I don't know her, but those remarks of her just piss me off, but perhaps that's because those remarks come across a lot more b*tchy in text then they did when she uttered them, so I'm not sure.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Nexus One

[BOKI5]

OP - how long have you been with your boyfriend? Has he been through something like this before - if you've been together for some time now, how does he typically react?

 

I know when my cousin lost her brother suddenly, she withdrew at first, then she needed to be around people constantly and then she withdrew again after some time and that pattern went on for close to three years. It was only after about three years, where things kind of leveled out for her in terms of dealing with her loss.

 

Losing a sibling, I cannot imagine how hard that would be on someone, and everyone grieves in their own way but maybe if we had a better understanding of him and your relationship together it would help.

We knew each other before but only made it offficial within the past few months. He has no problem expressing himself, in fact, I am the one who has problem expressing my emotion. And he's optimistic. Thing is he basically raised his younger brother so he feels like he lost his son. He is more laid back but attentive to my needs.

 

I'll just post this reply here again that I posted earlier: "Women should be careful with that "advice" from other female acquaintances. I've seen some sh*tty advice coming from some women on these forums. Advice that would have broken up relationships where there was no need for it. Advice is just that, you don't have to take it."

 

I don't know her, but those remarks of her just piss me off, but perhaps that's because those remarks come across a lot more b*tchy in text then they did when she uttered them, so I'm not sure.

 

lol. She said it in a calm way.

Before she told me to dump him because he's Muslim.

 

I know what you mean though.

 

I appreciate the advice everyone, keep it coming.

[Lovelybird]

When I lost a loved one, I didn't talk about that person but I didn't push my loved ones away.

Man deals with grief by caving; woman deals with grief by drawing closer. Just different.

 

You are the one who lack of patience and understanding here.

 

If he is busy with other women, I'd adviced you to date other men immidiately, but this is different.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Lovelybird

[Nexus One]

Before she told me to dump him because he's Muslim.

 

I'm not religious, but that sounds like a rather shallow reason to dump someone. I don't trust that "old" and "wise" lady from what I've read so far. She doesn't sound so wise to me.

 

PS: If he's muslim then he's probably not getting drunk.

 

PPS: Quit posting in bold text. My eyes are bleeding.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Nexus One

[Jannah]

We knew each other before but only made it offficial within the past few months. He has no problem expressing himself, in fact, I am the one who has problem expressing my emotion. And he's optimistic. Thing is he basically raised his younger brother so he feels like he lost his son. He is more laid back but attentive to my needs.

 

So it sounds like it's a relatively new relationship. The two week gap, may have you more worried, then you'd normally be if it were a longer established relationship. He was in touch with and came by to see you, despite having just lost his brother, so all things to consider.

[BOKI5]

I'm not religious, but that sounds like a rather shallow reason to dump someone. I don't trust that "old" and "wise" lady from what I've read so far. She doesn't sound so wise to me.

 

PS: If he's muslim then he's probably not getting drunk.

 

PPS: Quit posting in bold text. My eyes are bleeding.

 

***I double quote so I used bold text so there isn't any confusion. No, he doesn't drink. She basically thinks he is gonna convert me to Muslim and that he may seem open-minded now but later he'll change, especially if I get married and move with him to his country.***

 

So it sounds like it's a relatively new relationship. The two week gap, may have you more worried, then you'd normally be if it were a longer established relationship. He was in touch with and came by to see you, despite having just lost his brother, so all things to consider.

 

***It is. I guess if we have been dating for a long time, I would feel more secure. But I always look at things with cynicism.**

[Nexus One]

She basically thinks he is gonna convert me to Muslim and that he may seem open-minded now but later he'll change, especially if I get married and move with him to his country.

 

What country are you currently in and what country does he intend to move to with you?