Problems with no contact

[Dafty]

Hi guys, I need some help!

 

Despite her being my coworker, I have been quite successful in trying to get over my ex using no contact. We had short but intense relationship which I ended due to still having issues with splitting up with my long term girlfriend but when I resolved these issues i asked for a second chance a couple of months later she said no, which I took badly and made all the usual mistakes of chasing her, saying I loved her more than she will ever know, etc..she told me it was too late and there was nothing I could do to change her mind. 6 weeks ago I apologised for my behaviour and said I would leave her alone and I have since then.

 

But she has now gone to our boss and said because I don't help her with work she is quitting, but not for 6 months. (I always help her when she asks, I just don't pretend I am enjoying it and our work contact is usually only through email despite sitting quite close to each other). The boss sat me down and we discussed it and I agreed to make more of an effort. I texted her to tell her this and she says she doesn't need my help!! and then she starts asking how I am doing being single and how are my feelings? *

 

I really think nc is working for me and the ironic thing is just before this happened I was thinking I should maybe make an effort to be more civil because I accepted she wasn't interested in me and I felt I had moved on and didn't actually need her friendship but this has just confused me! I feel i have to pretend i am friends with her now which i know will mean i will start liking her again, Any advice? I can't change jobs or move to a different office.

Edited January 29, 2011 by Dafty

[Mavisse]

Wow, this is tough. Are you sure you can't switch jobs?

I think you were on the right track when you decided to make an effort to be more civil at work. But outside of work, NC is definitely the way to go. If she's involved your boss, I don't think there's any going back for you guys. Even though her messages are mixed, you don't need somebody who would stir up that kind of drama and jeapordize your career that way.

 

Good luck!

[Dafty]

Thank you for the reply! Unfortunately i really cant change jobs.

 

It is a tough one, i think I will just have to be mature about it and try to be more 'friendly' towards her at work without ever talking to her about non work things. But to make matters worse, no one else in the office knew about the relationship but when we split up and i started NC I found out she told everyone that I just had a crush on her and she was never interested in me (I presume she told my boss this too), so now everyone will think im being friendly because I can't take no for an answer.. And she said to me if anyone did find out the truth she would quit!!

 

What a bloody mess, never date a coworker....haha

 

But i think it's helped me realise the true benefit of NC, i hated seeing her at work so much that if this had happened 3 or 4 weeks ago I would have quit there and then but even though deep down it hurts like hell I now accept she can make my life as awkward as she wants but it can only affect me if I let it, I think I am doing well at moving on and i will just have to take each day as it comes. It's just a shame something so great turned into a nightmare!

[Mavisse]

I have definitely been tempted to date coworkers...and actually did a few times, and thankfully, it ended without any problems. But yikes, stories like yours have me convinced to never do it again!

 

You sound like you are healing up really well, though. And if she is foolish enough to tell people at work all about her relationship stuff she likely won't be successful there or last much longer...

[Dafty]

Hi guys,

 

Thought I might as well give an update. I made no contact with her at all since my last post here, i felt bad about it but she acted like she really didn't care so I just got on with my life.

 

So now she has left work and moved away, but she wanted us to chat before she left and we ended up spending her last 2 nights together and she basically admitted she is running away from the situation with me. Despite everything she said, she still liked me, she couldn't cope with feeling so upset after work when I wouldn't speak to her so she felt she had to leave. I guess no contact worked a bit too well, i gave up making any effort with her and she was too stubborn to do anything about it. I feel a bit gutted but as she said if it is meant to be it will be...I am not putting my life on hold for her though, she knew how I felt and how upset i was about the situation but she would rather move away than be honest with herself.

 

Oh well I hope anyone reading this can at least see that sometimes even the most heartless ex's are still hurting deep down!

[Frank13]

Hi guys,

 

Despite everything she said, she still liked me, she couldn't cope with feeling so upset after work when I wouldn't speak to her so she felt she had to leave. I guess no contact worked a bit too well, i gave up making any effort with her and she was too stubborn to do anything about it. I feel a bit gutted but as she said if it is meant to be it will be...I am not putting my life on hold for her though, she knew how I felt and how upset i was about the situation but she would rather move away than be honest with herself.

 

Oh well I hope anyone reading this can at least see that sometimes even the most heartless ex's are still hurting deep down!

 

Dafty, thanks for the update. I am in a very similar situation to yours. I read your first few posts and was glad to see an update.

 

I don't get the leaving part either. They don't like that we stop talking to them, but they won't do anything about it, especially when they know how we feel about them. The ball was in her court, she was so upset, but did nothing. Maybe they don't want a relationship but they just want us to be friends with them and the NC hurts them.

[Renard99]

Dafty, thanks for the update. I am in a very similar situation to yours. I read your first few posts and was glad to see an update.

 

I don't get the leaving part either. They don't like that we stop talking to them, but they won't do anything about it, especially when they know how we feel about them. The ball was in her court, she was so upset, but did nothing. Maybe they don't want a relationship but they just want us to be friends with them and the NC hurts them.

 

That's exactly the feeling I'm getting about my ex. Really doesn't want the relationship but wants to be friends and is hurting that I'm not agreeing to it.

[Dafty]

Dafty, thanks for the update. I am in a very similar situation to yours. I read your first few posts and was glad to see an update.

 

I don't get the leaving part either. They don't like that we stop talking to them, but they won't do anything about it, especially when they know how we feel about them. The ball was in her court, she was so upset, but did nothing. Maybe they don't want a relationship but they just want us to be friends with them and the NC hurts them.

 

Hi Frank13, well as I told her, it is her life and she needed to do what was right for her, even if I knew she was wrong....it's a shame, she had convinced herself we wouldn't have been good together, no doubt with the advice from her friends. But at the time I gave her every genuine reason I could think of to get her to stay, I also told her she knew how I felt about her so I didn't need to repeat it and if I am honest I thought she hated me so much that if I did repeat it she would defo leave....lol. But she left anyway and in the end actually said I should go with her!

 

But looking back I did what I thought was right re nc and wouldn't change it, i had some pride left and she actually thanked me when I said I would leave her alone and that we couldn't be friends, what could I do after that!

 

I wanted a relationship with her, not a friendship, it would have killed me to see her everyday if she met someone and have to pretend I was cool with it.

 

But I got the closure I needed, it's nice after everything she said to know that she didn't really mean it and that she was just too scared to reach out, but I guess that tells me it was never meant to be, I would have done anything for her and she knew it, all she needed to do was make one phonecall or text...