Kamille Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Bf and I are currently LDR because I landed what pretty much amounts to my dream job in a different city. I have been at the job for three months and I like it. The learning curve is steep and I am quite stressed out right now, but everyone is telling me to give it three years. My biggest level of stress is me trying to figure out if I have the abilities for this job. I love the job. I love my coworkers. I consider myself extremely lucky. And yet... I keep googling job postings in bf's city. I just found one I could qualify for in a completely different sector than what I'm doing. It wouldn't be a dream job; more like a 9-5, well-paid with benefits job. The dream part of this job would be that bf and I would be in the same town and would live together. Would you apply? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 No I wouldn't apply. Wait a couple of years to see how you still feel about your b/f. It's not as if he can't move either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 No I wouldn't apply. Wait a couple of years to see how you still feel about your b/f. It's not as if he can't move either. It's harder for him to move to the city where I currently live than it would be for me to move for his town. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Are you certain of this? It seems to be a pretty common expectation that the woman move to where the man lives. Also, has he made any approaches towards a deeper commitment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 Are you certain of this? It seems to be a pretty common expectation that the woman move to where the man lives. Also, has he made any approaches towards a deeper commitment? He grew up in that city, has children there and there is a language barrier thrown into the whole thing. What do you mean re: deeper commitment? We're closer than ever. We're discussing marriage and when to get engaged. We both want to live in the same town before we move forward though. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Have the two of you decided for sure who would be moving where? If the two of you have decided that when the time comes to end the distance you will be moving to him, then, I don't see what it would hurt applying for a job there because if you are going to move sooner or later to him you must as well start looking. Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 It sounds like this other job would be just settling for you and you shouldn't be expected to give up your dreams. Your current career seems difficult, but in a good, challenging way. I think maybe your feelings for your boyfriend may be complicating things too, which of course is only natural. I myself am in an LDR as well; I totally get it...but for me, I won't be leaving too much behind at all, let alone a dream job...so I'm in a completely different situation to you. If I were you, I'd stay put. Link to post Share on other sites
heartbeats4u Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Are you certain of this? It seems to be a pretty common expectation that the woman move to where the man lives. Also, has he made any approaches towards a deeper commitment? Why is this expected? Just wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 I think TBF probably said that due to the fact that the majority of LDR couples on this board who have reunited or are planning to reunite, had the woman move to the man. I personally think there is good reason for most of those couples though. Kamille, I think this depends on a lot of factors: 1. How long have you and bf been together? 2. How easily do you think you could regain a job like your current one if you and bf broke up and you wanted to move back? 3. How happy/unhappy do you think you would be in your bf's town, all things considered? (I recall you saying he was a very busy man?) Link to post Share on other sites
Isolde Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 K, I think you could apply but not make any decisions yet. You could always turn the job down, if you decide against it, and look for another job in your bf's city, that was more to your liking. I say this only because you and your bf have had serious, specific discussions about marriage. If you hadn't already gotten to that point, I would tell you to hold off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 29, 2011 Author Share Posted January 29, 2011 I think TBF probably said that due to the fact that the majority of LDR couples on this board who have reunited or are planning to reunite, had the woman move to the man. I personally think there is good reason for most of those couples though. Kamille, I think this depends on a lot of factors: 1. How long have you and bf been together? 2. How easily do you think you could regain a job like your current one if you and bf broke up and you wanted to move back? 3. How happy/unhappy do you think you would be in your bf's town, all things considered? (I recall you saying he was a very busy man?) 1. Bf and I have been together for close to 2 years. We met in his current city, when I lived there. 2. It would be nearly impossible to regain a job like my current one if I "dropped out" of the race. 3. I have lived in his city, have friends there and really enjoy it. We have discussed our differences in scheduling - I feel that if we lived together, a lot of my need for his time would be different. The ideal scenario would be for me find a job in my field over there, but nothing has come up, and the market in that city is more competitive than the one where I am now. We have discussed what to do, but cannot seem to find a solution. We both agreed that I should give this job a fair chance (2-3 years) all while looking for something in the same field in his city. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Hmmm. I really don't like the 'non-reversible' move for non-married people, to be honest. It would be different if you wouldn't be essentially ditching the dream job of a lifetime to move. About his reasons, are you sure they are non-negotiable? Bringing his daughter with him and fighting a language barrier sounds about the same as losing a dream job IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 We both agreed that I should give this job a fair chance (2-3 years) all while looking for something in the same field in his city. This sounds perfectly reasonable. Do you have contacts in your field from your old job that you could get in touch with to let them know that you would be interested in moving back? Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 We're discussing marriage and when to get engaged. We both want to live in the same town before we move forward though. And see, I wouldn't move to him until you've already moved forward - i.e., are engaged. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Sure Kamille! Just follow your heart and your love!!! So romantic. You can work anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 And see, I wouldn't move to him until you've already moved forward - i.e., are engaged. Meanwhile, I don't see the point of getting engaged unless one of us has a solid job offer in the other's city! Sigh. Yeah, even if they offered me that job, I don't think I could take it without regrets right now. Good idea SB on telling my contacts in his town that I'm looking into moving back. The barriers are not absolute non-negotiables. He's talked about moving here, but he would be doing it only for me, whereas I already know I like the city where he lives. Plus, he shares custody and I doubt he could gain full custody if he suggested moving the child to another town. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I like the city where he lives. Plus, he shares custody and I doubt he could gain full custody Then the right action is that you move to his town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Then the right action is that you move to his town. Yup. I agree with you there. It makes sense that I would be the one moving back to his town. I'll do my best here and hope to find something similar in his town in the next few years. Link to post Share on other sites
pandagirl Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 K, I don't know exactly what you do, but you seem to be good at it, and you have put in a lot of time to get to this point in your career. Not many people can say they have their dream job! You said the job situation in your field is much more competitive in your boyfriend's city. Since the two of you have made a sort of informal commitment in your relationship (as in, you are on the path to a life-long commitment), I think you should stay at your current job, kick ass at it, and gain the necessary experience so you can blow the competition out of the water in your bf's city in the future. Also, I didn't know the bf had a kid, so I guess him relocating is out of the question? It's hard, I feel like you just started on this amazing career path, and I don't think you should give that up at all. So I would just stay at this job, and gain the necessary experience you need. It seems like you guys are pretty happy right now, so I say just continue on in this LDR for now. Keep on looking for job opps in his city, and keep on keeping on! Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Yup. I agree with you there. It makes sense that I would be the one moving back to his town. I'll do my best here and hope to find something similar in his town in the next few years. Good luck! And good luck with the job! Hope the apt is looking great by now. Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 No I wouldn't apply. Wait a couple of years to see how you still feel about your b/f. It's not as if he can't move either. A couple of years is a long time for anyone to commit to waiting. This is bad advice. Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Kamille, You have to figure out where your priorities are. Careers and dream jobs are fine, but you need to think about whether what you're currently doing is what you really need to be happy. Yeah, great jobs are great, but is it worth putting your long distance relationship into the indefinite? Meaning... would you be happy holding onto this job knowing that it means not having a solid plan or time frame for reuniting? There are some people who can say "I would quit my job in a heartbeat and work a job I don't really like to be with the person I love." Those people are rare. Take some time. Figure out your options, never close any doors or burn any bridges. Recognize, though, that adding a few years to the long distance part of the relationship can cause some serious problems for most couples. Either way, a few years down the road you will still be in the same position. Whether or not you want to admit it, at some point in time in the future you will have to give up your current job and relocate or end the relationship. What is your job/career right now if you don't mind me asking? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 We're talking a PhD here, not a high school diploma. Don't do it Kamille. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 I agree with TBF. Don't move. Career comes first unless you guys are at least engaged. Also, I'm concerned you're letting your anxieties about your new job get the better of you and almost using this distance thing as an excuse to get out. You might be onto something. I get really stressed out and than I miss him. I wish we were closer so I could get a hug once in awhile. I landed a tenure-track position in my field, the holy grail for us academics. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 I landed a tenure-track position in my field, the holy grail for us academics. That's really, really hard to give up on. I'm having similar dilemmas about the future. There's a fair chance that I can land at least a post doc where I am now when I finish my PhD, but this isn't a place where there's a future for both of us in the long run. It's tricky Link to post Share on other sites
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