My husband isn't good enough for me, I want better

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Some of you may remember my story. In a nutshell, my husband of 13 years has been moderately depressed for 2-1/2 years, and it has pretty well eroded the affection and esteem I used to feel for him. He says he still loves me a lot, but he doesn't smile at me, touch me lovingly, talk to me in a friendly way, have sex with me, or often, even LOOK at me. He sleeps most of the time, except when he is at work.

 

I was shocked the other day when he said something that made it clear he was not trying to cure his depression. He's waiting for his life to be better before he expects to be happy.

 

Even when we attempt to have sex, it is so POOR that it is quite off-putting. I have had other lovers (before my marriage) and I know what sex should be like. My husband is not a good lover and hasn't had a useable erection in my presence in 2 years. (He does masturbate on occasion.) His body is going rapidly downhill because of his depression, and I feel pity for him, but I don't want to stay tied to him and get dragged down as well. We have two young children.

 

I've done enough looking around to know that there are LOTS of men out there, and I will have no trouble attracting a good one. I may not marry again right away - I will savor my freedom first.

 

Is there a way to fast forward from "married" to "not married" without years of crying, screaming, guilt, and lawyers?

[moimeme]

Nope. Which is why going from 'unmarried' to 'married' is such a scary proposition.

[zarathustra]

Is there a way to fast forward from "married" to "not married" without years of crying, screaming, guilt, and lawyers?

 

If your state of residence has no fault divorce laws that might expedite things. I assume it does.

 

It's good to hear about your long overdue exit.

 

Good luck.

[sportsloving]

Is there a way to fast forward from "married" to "not married" without years of crying, screaming, guilt, and lawyers?

 

LMAO. It is going to take at least one attorney, probably a lot of crying, a lot of anger, a lot of screaming, and a lot of guilt. No easier way about it, especially when children are involved.

 

I don't know if he will try counseling or seeing a doctor, but at least asking is worth the risk.

 

I've done enough looking around to know that there are LOTS of men out there, and I will have no trouble attracting a good one. I may not marry again right away - I will savor my freedom first.

 

Sorry to say this, but it may be easy for you to attract men, but they may not be so attracted to raising someone else's children. You are never going to have your freedom as you describe it, not with two young children in tow.

 

I do understand what you are going through, just think you should seriously think about raising two children, holding down a job, and all the responsiblity that goes along with it (on your own). It's a lot of hard work.

[meanon]

Is there a way to fast forward from "married" to "not married" without years of crying, screaming, guilt, and lawyers?

 

If only

 

But it needn't take YEARS. You've done just the right things - lots of research, you know your own mind, you're ready.

 

Now it's time to get out - it may be unpleasant for a short time but tink of the years of distress you are saving yourself. Plan a holiday or something else to look forward to for when it's over and help you focus on getting through it.

 

Post if you need to. Good luck!

[Arabess]

When I was finally free.....I was so damned relieved there was NO crying or screaming. It was PARTY TIME!

 

I don't know that you have to expect to to take years. It may take longer depending on what you don't agree on and can't compromise thru a mediator.

 

Other than that....if it ends up making you a happier person....then it's worth WHATEVER it takes!!!!

 

Hang in there Ardea....we are all pulling for you!

[EnigmaXOXO]

Ardea,

 

It only seems frightening at first because you can't see around that corner. I was terrified, too, that I wouldn't land on my feet. But I had reached the point where it didn't matter anymore whether I sank or swam. I was already drowning in misery and actually came to the point where I preferred the likelihood of failure to the inevitability of living another torturous day in the dead marriage I was in.

 

The RELEIF! The absolute, total, unadulterated RELIEF I felt upon making my decision was overwhelming. As scared as I was, it was like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders and after 15 years, I could finally breathe again. The euphoria I felt overshadowed each and every struggle I had trying to assemble the pieces of my life while learning to go forward on my own. As time went on, I actually began to enjoy each new challenge, and took personal pride in every forward step I made on my own. I can't even put into words how wonderful the independence felt. Not only did I survive --- I learned to *thrive*, despite all my initial self-doubts!

 

Unlike you, I wasn’t looking for the opportunity of meeting someone else to take my husband’s place. I had already decided that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to spend one more day in the place where I was. As a matter of fact, upon making my final decision, I was already adamant about never getting involved in another relationship again. I left for “me,” and not for the hope that my ‘knight in shining armor’ was out there somewhere waiting to rescue me.

 

I won’t lie to you and say that in the two years I spent on my own, that there weren’t nights where I longed for some companionship and intimacy. But even when married, like you, I spent many nights alone longing for the same. And believe me, as lonely as being single can feel at times, there’s NO greater loneliness in the world than being stuck in a marriage without love. At least, when you’re finally out on your own, you will be free and able to fill those occasional voids by pursuing new friendships, new interests, and new goals. And you’ll be able to do it without having to be accountable to anyone except yourself for any mistakes or successes.

 

Finding the courage to surrender the only life you have known is difficult. Its an evolving process which takes much time and careful consideration. You will ‘leave’ many times over in your heart before finally taking that last step out the door. But when you finally get to that place where you need to be, you will do it without regret and without looking back. It sounds like you are almost there, and I can assure you, its not the end of your world. Rather, its the start of a whole new beginning.

[Samson]

I do understand what you are going through, just think you should seriously think about raising two children, holding down a job, and all the responsiblity that goes along with it (on your own). It's a lot of hard work.

 

Thank God For someone with some perspective, Sport!

 

Arabess, I too believe it could be a tremenous relief, but the thought of not having tried to do everything I could to make it work first would haunt me forvever.

[sportsloving]

Thank God For someone with some perspective, Sport!

 

Thank you, I try.

 

After reading the replies that were posted after mine, I had to read what I had wrote again... and what the orginial post was. I thought I had missed something and perhaps I was being harsh.

 

A loveless marriage is a terrible thing to live through day in and day out. Knowing that the person you promised to love through everything wants nothing to do with you. It hurts.

 

Getting out and finally getting back to yourself is a tremendous relief...

 

As time went on, I actually began to enjoy each new challenge, and took personal pride in every forward step I made on my own. I can't even put into words how wonderful the independence felt. Not only did I survive --- I learned to *thrive*, despite all my initial self-doubts!

 

And yet with this thread, I keep going back to the same paragraph where she wrote that she had looked around and there were lots of men out there, she would have no problem attracting one. I don't doubt this is true... but she spent more time telling us about how she could do this than she did about her two children.

 

I just wanted her to realize that Yes sometimes the only thing you can do is divorce your mate and move on with life, but I don't think jumping or looking for a replacement so quickly is the answer. I think she needs to really think about what being on her own, raising her children and the amazing responsibility of being a single parent is.

 

This is my second time around, and each time I second and third guessed myself... and each time I knew I was strong enough to do it on my own. When I left my previous marriages, it was with a mind set that there is a great possibilty that I would have to do everything on my own. I would have to be the one taking my children to the doctor, school activities, buying school supplies/clothes, having to make sure they were happy and adjusted children.

 

I hope things work out, for all involved

[befuddled11]

I ask that question, about whether you ended up going out and finding yourself a "discreet" one night stand, because it wasn't long ago that you posted about planning to do this (quite happy about your plan, if I do recall):

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=31619

 

I've never read anything remotely positive about your husband, from your point of view. I've just read that he doesn't meet your needs, the poor guy is depressed, he's got severe eczema, he's gained 40 lbs and you're not attracted to him. I can't help but feeling very sorry for him. It must make him feel awful and like a failure, to have the problems he has and to know that you're not happy with him. That surely can't help with his depression...or perhaps it's the root cause of his depression?

 

Hell, just the title of your post here, "My husband is not good enough for me, I want better"..... it really sounds like you think absolutely nothing of him, that's he's beneath you.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

it really sounds like you think absolutely nothing of him, that's he's beneath you.

You're right, that IS the way I feel. I was low and depressed when I agreed to marry him, and I thought I could never do better. Since then my depression has been diagnosed and treated to the point where I do feel like I have options.

 

Regardless of my feelings, I have struggled to be a good wife to him in every way that I can. I care for him as if I loved him, even though I don't believe that I do. And if I may have chosen to slip up here and there, then I guess I am not the perfect wife that I would have loved to be.

 

I can't help but feeling very sorry for him.

Me too. I have stayed with him for years, with pity a primary motivator.

 

It must make him feel awful and like a failure, to have the problems he has and to know that you're not happy with him. That surely can't help with his depression...or perhaps it's the root cause of his depression?

It might be. Wouldn't it be best for me to divorce him, in that case?

[moimeme]

I was low and depressed when I agreed to marry him, and I thought I could never do better.

 

And now we have the crux of the problem; marrying for the wrong reason. Ardea, you have said over and over again that there are more and better men out there and you're just aching to get one. Do not make the same mistake again. I am under the impression that you think the right man will make your life right. I am under the impression that you think that your husband is the sole cause of your misery and you're not acknowledging the full role that your own depression has had in this.

[Samson]

I am under the impression that you think that your husband is the sole cause of your misery and you're not acknowledging the full role that your own depression has had in this.

 

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jenny]

ardea,

 

glad to hear you're getting out. good luck with everything, PM me if you've ever got the notion.

 

cheers, j

[zarathustra]

Ardea, what I love about your Threads is that you say the most unfashionable things in the most direct, uncompromising fashion.

 

When dating, and especially marrying, we all make a comparable worth determination: is my lover/mate roughly comparable to me in terms of looks, education, personality, energy, sexual expressiveness ,etc. If someone appears not to be of comparable worth, the mating is short lived if it occurs at all.

 

The real problem occurs during marriage when, for a variety of reasons, a spouse no longer is of comparable worth in one or more key attributes. Using the language of economics, there has been a substantial diminution in value because a spouse has become obese, totally lost interest in sex, has become nasty or totally self-absorbed, has dumbed down considerably. The relative worth is way out of whack.

 

When that happens, ie, a husband and wife are no longer of comparable worth, the marriage is frequently over. The upwardly mobile spouse wants to trade up and dump the downwardly mobile spouse.

 

Thats what you want to do. You believe that your bundle of attributes is worth substantially more in the marriage market than your poor husband's, and you're going to test that market.

 

Ardea, I love the fact that you don't try to be politic or nice or correct.

 

You tell it like it is.

[jenny]

just wanted to add my voice to that compliment too: ardea, you are, by far, the most straightforward woman i have ever encountered. with the biggest cajones.