Guilty and Regretful

[JaneyAmazed]

exactly, and saying BSs can learn a thing or two from this thread is highly insulting.

 

basically what this says is that if you don't do everything to meet every single one of a spouses needs, then you deserve to get cheated on.

 

 

 

 

and that might be because of the very attitude from WS's as written above. a sense of entitlement that says cheating is to be understood if some brat doesn't get every one of their little needs met.

 

 

 

 

That's not what it says at all...

 

 

 

 

This is just my two cents...A BS could learn something from this thread without it being insulting. Affairs are not all the same. There is no excuse for cheating, but the truth is many affairs happen as a result of needs not being met. Some BSs never realize this or if they do, they don't care because no matter what, they can't continue a marriage with someone who cheats on them. They aren't not right or wrong...they are doing what's best for them or what they can deal with best. On the other hand, some BSs recognize what needs weren't being met before the affair, and are able to work on the marriage after the affair. Then, there's another group of people who have cheated that just cheat to get away with it - has nothing to do with needs being met. I think the problem is there will always be BSs who put all cheaters in the latter category and can't give good advice to people who don't fit that category. Each affair is unique. Each person who cheats has a different story. Having said that, no one deserves to get cheated on. But at the same time, does a WS or fWS that comes to LS for advice deserve to be put into the "serial cheater," "no help for you - you're always going to cheat," "cake eater" category? I hope not. All I can say to the WS or fWS that comes here for help, you have to expect that there are BSs here that cannot, in anyway see how any problem in a marriage could lead to an affair, and there's nothing wrong with that at all, but they can't give you proper advice. They will not understand how a BS could ever trust you again so what's the point. They can give you their opinion based on who they "think" you are and what they "think" you will do based on what you've done. We all have our own opinions, but they don't always help the OP.

 

By the way, I don't see anyone acting like they are entitled to have an affair. If someone felt that way, why the heck would they be here feeling guilty and regretful?

[Guilt Ridden]

That's not what it says at all...

 

 

 

 

This is just my two cents...A BS could learn something from this thread without it being insulting. Affairs are not all the same. There is no excuse for cheating, but the truth is many affairs happen as a result of needs not being met. Some BSs never realize this or if they do, they don't care because no matter what, they can't continue a marriage with someone who cheats on them. They aren't not right or wrong...they are doing what's best for them or what they can deal with best. On the other hand, some BSs recognize what needs weren't being met before the affair, and are able to work on the marriage after the affair. Then, there's another group of people who have cheated that just cheat to get away with it - has nothing to do with needs being met. I think the problem is there will always be BSs who put all cheaters in the latter category and can't give good advice to people who don't fit that category. Each affair is unique. Each person who cheats has a different story. Having said that, no one deserves to get cheated on. But at the same time, does a WS or fWS that comes to LS for advice deserve to be put into the "serial cheater," "no help for you - you're always going to cheat," "cake eater" category? I hope not. All I can say to the WS or fWS that comes here for help, you have to expect that there are BSs here that cannot, in anyway see how any problem in a marriage could lead to an affair, and there's nothing wrong with that at all, but they can't give you proper advice. They will not understand how a BS could ever trust you again so what's the point. They can give you their opinion based on who they "think" you are and what they "think" you will do based on what you've done. We all have our own opinions, but they don't always help the OP.

 

By the way, I don't see anyone acting like they are entitled to have an affair. If someone felt that way, why the heck would they be here feeling guilty and regretful?

 

Well said JaneyAmazed. I guess initially coming here, I posted my story for advice. I didnt think for a moment that I would be the subject of such insulting advice. Being judged and grouped with all Offending Spouses.

 

I do believe that sometimes good people do wrong. They make wrong choices, yes... as I have. I merely came here with the hopes I would hear from Former "cheaters", former "betrayed Spouses" and maybe some in betweens. Was expecting some sound advice, based on everyones own unique experiences, situations and opinions.

 

Anyone can put their two cents in, without insult. I love to hear from Betrayed Spouses because it allows me into the mind and feelings of my own EXH. Is it safe for me to say that All Betrayed Spouses are angry forever, negative and judgmental as a result of being cheated on??? As I see it, that would not be fair judgement at all. I assume and hope that there are some former Betrayed Spouses who have learned from their experiences, and take that information and apply it to a new more rewarding relationship with the next love of their life!! (Not saying that the betrayed spouse is at fault).

 

I do not judge any man until I have walked a mile in his shoes.. ever!! I feel as though I have been labelled and judged without considering the circumstances. I am not hear to "Clear My Concience, Clear My Guilt, or Receive Remorse"... I am here to openly discuss my situation so that I may move forward with my life.

 

I feel for my ExH, My Children and my BF. I want to do the right thing... and set my life back in motion.... forward motion. I cant do this until I have dealt with all the issues that surround, Affairs, why people cheat, Seperation and Divorce, not to mention New Partners, Step-parenting and dealing with Blending a Family!!!

 

My plate is FULL!!! I have a lot of unresolved issues and wish to deal with them and finally put the situation to rest. Then maybe I will rest...

 

I am in no way saying that I saw "entitlement" to my affair. Affair was not an option... until it happened. I thought my exh and I were definately affair proof! If anything at all I would not of been surprised he was having one in the end. I withdrew from him, and he withdrew from me.

 

I feel as though, evertime I speak, someone is going to "Quote" my response and break it all apart and read it how they see fit. Miscontruing what it is exactly that I was trying to say.

 

Thats not fair. I dont think thats why most people are here on LS.

For now, I'm hanging tight. Continuing with IC, and hoping for the best. I am not in an easy situation, and wish I could just let go of the guilt, somehow justify my affair, and say "he deserved it"!

 

Life would of just been much easier if I was a B*tch!!!

[IfiKnewThen]

hey GR is it at all possible for you to PM me? please let me know and let me when when youre able to. thank you.

[michelangelo]

 

I feel as though, evertime I speak, someone is going to "Quote" my response and break it all apart and read it how they see fit. Miscontruing what it is exactly that I was trying to say.

 

Thats not fair. I dont think thats why most people are here on LS.

 

The strongest thing you will get here, and of great benefit, is the perspective of others reading of your story and commenting.

 

That it is different than what you expect or want is what is powerful.

 

The distress you feel as a result?

 

Use it to inform your opinion of how to act going forward.

[Spark1111]

Hey GR, former BS here happily reconciled.

 

And yes, we all take a turn in the hot seat depending where you were in the triangle and in what stage you are in resolving that pain.

 

It is a process that runs on its own timetable and it is individual to each person.

 

So take what you need and leave the rest. Then someday, go back a re-read what was hard to hear. You can always find merit in most of the comments made; whether they were made in the spirit of pain, anger, resentment, shock, denial, guilt, bargaining or acceptance.

 

It is all here at LS.

[Owl]

Moloko...have you read many books, or spent much time trying to understand the emotional dynamics of what typically leads to cheating/infidelity?

 

If you don't mind, I'd like to recommend a few. "His Needs/Her Needs..." by Harley. "The Five Love Languages" is another good one.

 

Realize that I'm a former BS, in a happily recovered marriage.

 

In no way did I take any of these posts as "it's your fault your spouse cheated".

 

Understanding what often leads for people to make the choice to cheat is useful, and enlightening. And in marriages that try to recover from infidelity...invaluable.

 

Understanding what you can do better in your marriage...or in your next relationship...is great information.

 

I'm a firm believer that cheating is NOT the answer. And I'm of the opinion that the choice to cheat and the responsibility for that choice falls firmly on the shoulders of the person who made that choice...not their betrayed spouse. I believe that we might both have added to the marital issues, but only one person chose to solve or avoid solving the issues by going outside the marriage.

 

But I'm not sure I understand why you took the posts mentioned to mean that YOU did something wrong or deserved to be cheated on???

[Owl]

I agree, the choice to cheat is on the shoulders of the person that cheated. And although the cheaters will say this(maybe for a disclaimer), they always seem to throw in a "BUT" in there somewhere.

 

And it wasn't addressed to ME or anyone specific(maybe it was, who knows). But to me, anytime someone says that someone cheated on can learn from someone that cheated, that, to me, says that the betrayed did something to cause it to happen.

 

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

You can learn something from ANYONE.

 

And very often even those that cheated and created the situation are hurt and devestated as a result of their own actions...the BS isn't always the only one who walks away with some 'painful lessons' as a result of an affair.

 

Why would the fact that they were the ones who cheated completely and totally negate their ability to look at what happened in their situation and provide valuable insight and feedback on what happened from a different perspective?

 

I've been here a long time...and learned quite a bit from former wayward spouses.

[What_Next]

I'm a firm believer that cheating is NOT the answer. And I'm of the opinion that the choice to cheat and the responsibility for that choice falls firmly on the shoulders of the person who made that choice...not their betrayed spouse. I believe that we might both have added to the marital issues, but only one person chose to solve or avoid solving the issues by going outside the marriage.

 

This portion of your post Owl rings true, rings very true. GR throughout this thread I have commented from time to time and usually from the perspective of a BS. Now I am NOT the bitter angry BS that has been identified here, but I AM of the type that believes that until a WS truly comes to terms with what Owl has mentioned that there is little or no hope of reconciliation.

 

I once again urge you to slow down and break your situation up into pieces that you might be able to deal with individually, rather than as a whole. The impacts on your children, your SO, your husband, your husband's SO and you. Yes I did put you last on the list and that was NOT a mistake. Why? Because I believe that at it's heart any cheating is such a selfish act. Therefore, think long and hard about what impact YOUR actions will have before taking them. Personally I still feelt as though you should let your SO go. You are likely to hurt him just as your devastated your previous marriage.

[What_Next]

moloko I am most definitely not singling you out in any way shape or form.

[Guilt Ridden]

This portion of your post Owl rings true, rings very true. GR throughout this thread I have commented from time to time and usually from the perspective of a BS. Now I am NOT the bitter angry BS that has been identified here, but I AM of the type that believes that until a WS truly comes to terms with what Owl has mentioned that there is little or no hope of reconciliation.

 

I once again urge you to slow down and break your situation up into pieces that you might be able to deal with individually, rather than as a whole. The impacts on your children, your SO, your husband, your husband's SO and you. Yes I did put you last on the list and that was NOT a mistake. Why? Because I believe that at it's heart any cheating is such a selfish act. Therefore, think long and hard about what impact YOUR actions will have before taking them. Personally I still feelt as though you should let your SO go. You are likely to hurt him just as your devastated your previous marriage.

 

Good advice, about breaking it up into smaller pieces I can handle. It all seems so overwhelming and confusing as a whole. I started today, with SO. Explained to him, that we cannot continue. I am not mentally stable or healthy enough to be with him. Told him I carry tons of regret and remorse from the past... so much it holds me in contempt, and cannot move to a future. Among many other issues we have had....but for the most part, it all usually comes back to this... the "affair"... hard to believe it still impacts every part of my life 4 years later.

 

My children will be fine. I know they will. My relationship with my SO, for the most part has been rocky. I have had great difficulties in "blending" our family. Merging rules, merging history, etc... I cannot find balance between the needs of my own children and his... For the most part, I think I will be much happier when I'm alone with my own thoughts... and this will benefit my children... not always seeing me under so much stress all the time.

 

As for my exh? I dont really know. For now I know he's receiving IC. He said it's helping him. He has indicated that he has had a few "major" revalations. Learning about our marriage, his relationships with my two boys, and his relationship with his SO. He has indicated to me he is not exactly sure what is going to make him happy at this point.... and I'm ok with that answer. One which he is not obligated to share with me... but I'm glad he did.

 

When SO, is free from me, I then maybe able to concentrate on my kids and me some more? I hope.

 

I know I have not been the easiest person to live with... I feel terrible on all levels, and hope I'm making the right decision.

 

Regardless of what happens with exh

[IfiKnewThen]

looks like things are going in a positive direction. how did your SO handle the news? also, been trying to get in touch with you but no way of private messaging you on here. so, will you please PM me? thanks

[Guilt Ridden]

looks like things are going in a positive direction. how did your SO handle the news? also, been trying to get in touch with you but no way of private messaging you on here. so, will you please PM me? thanks

 

Positive?? I can only hope?& pray. Sorry IIKT... dont have the pm priveleges... tried but it wont allow me? You know much about that?

 

I think and feel my SO is somewhat relieved... always trying to please me and make me happy when my happiness so does not lie in this mans hands.... its all in mine. I have to find my own true happiness and deal with and come to terms with the sitation.

 

Am scared. Definately scared. Back to being a single mom again. Have not told the kids, or the EXH. :...(

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again. yeah i say positive because you are physically removing him from the situation so you can think straight and not be influenced by his presence and also it removes him from getting involved any deeper till you make a decision and see what your genuine options are. once again you really dont know what youre exh will do in the end. wow i wonder why you cant pm me? people used to be able to do that. i dont see contact info by your name to private message me. i am assuming you are not able to do the same with me also. will try to find out with LS how to go about it. i am sure you dont want to disclose an email address here. so let me look into it and get back to you.

[IfiKnewThen]

i meant to say..i dont see contact info by your name to private message you.

[BB07]

i meant to say..i dont see contact info by your name to private message you.

 

She hasn't been here long enough and/or had enough posts to have PM privileges yet.

[IfiKnewThen]

thank you for the info bbo7. i appreciate that. so i guess that means she not only cant receive a PM but cant send one either. i always wondered why some people had it and some didnt. i guess i have to read up all this stuff. the rules and all. anyway thank you again for letting me know.

[Meatballsmom]

Good for you, I think that you made the right decision for you and your boys.

 

Your children should come first.

 

It is so scary taking those first steps. You have done it before and you know you can do it.

 

Keep posting on your journey.

 

HUGS!

[What_Next]

GR, you've done the right thing. You have. It must have been incredibly hard but you know that at least you've given your SO the full picture. In the end if you two were really meant to be then you'll find your way back to him.

 

I am also happy to hear your confidence in your children to make it through this. If I were in your shoes and you and your EX did take a chance at it (once BOTH SO are out of the picture) I'd be inclined to completely shield the kids from it. Keep them out of it entirely for the time being.

 

You've come a long way from your first post. Keep the faith.

[Distant78]

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

I guess so.

 

You can learn something from ANYONE.

 

So can I learn something from a serial rapist who targeted little girls and shot up a police station?

 

And very often even those that cheated and created the situation are hurt and devestated as a result of their own actions...the BS isn't always the only one who walks away with some 'painful lessons' as a result of an affair.

 

Yea but c'mon it's nothing compared to what the betrayed spouse is feeling. At the end of the day whether they feel remorse or not, they loved how the "forbidden sex" felt.

[Guilt Ridden]

GR, you've done the right thing. You have. It must have been incredibly hard but you know that at least you've given your SO the full picture. In the end if you two were really meant to be then you'll find your way back to him.

 

I am also happy to hear your confidence in your children to make it through this. If I were in your shoes and you and your EX did take a chance at it (once BOTH SO are out of the picture) I'd be inclined to completely shield the kids from it. Keep them out of it entirely for the time being.

 

You've come a long way from your first post. Keep the faith.

 

Yes. I feel a sense of relief, after discussing things in more detail with my SO. I know that if we were meant to be .. we will make our way back.

 

As for my kids. They will survive. They are good boys, and adapt well to change. Given the circumstances ... they are doing well and I know will continue.

 

Today. I'm definately feeling more positive. Scared, but positive. I have been so full of negativity for the last four years, I am feeling that this is a positive step in the right direction.

 

Exh is on hold for now. I dont know if there is or can be a future with us, all I know is the here and now. I cannot stay in my relationship with my SO, as I am not giving myself entirely to it. I just assumed that these feelings would all dissolve over the years... but I guess truth is, they wont go away until they are PROPERLY dealt with.

 

I am so looking forward to having mental clarity in my life. The things people take for granted...lol

 

As for my SO, I think he too is somewhat relieved, as much as that statement bothers me to say. He has tried so hard to make me happy..... the real sad part is that he is an awesome guy who has done nothing wrong

 

More GUILT!!!! ahhhhh

[Guilt Ridden]

Good for you, I think that you made the right decision for you and your boys.

 

Your children should come first.

 

It is so scary taking those first steps. You have done it before and you know you can do it.

 

Keep posting on your journey.

 

HUGS!

 

 

Thanks a bunch. Feeling confident today, but scared all at the same time.

[Guilt Ridden]

thank you for the info bbo7. i appreciate that. so i guess that means she not only cant receive a PM but cant send one either. i always wondered why some people had it and some didnt. i guess i have to read up all this stuff. the rules and all. anyway thank you again for letting me know.

 

Exactly how long do I have to be here??? and exaclty how many posts???

 

Would love to PM with you IIKT.

 

you find out some info, b sure to let me know.

 

Thankyou

[fltc]

Exactly how long do I have to be here??? and exaclty how many posts???

 

The rules are very vague, to save you searching:

 

"In an effort to prevent accounts being registered for the sole purpose of sending spam and as a way of clarifying the role of private messages on our site, we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time. Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums.

We believe that the power of our site lies in the vast array of opinions and insights received from many different people and feel that private messaging regarding interpersonal relationships does not have a place in that formula. We strongly discourage the use of private messages and remind all of our members that there are genuine safety and privacy concerns when contacting someone privately off and on our site."

[Guilt Ridden]

The rules are very vague, to save you searching:

 

"In an effort to prevent accounts being registered for the sole purpose of sending spam and as a way of clarifying the role of private messages on our site, we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time. Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums.

We believe that the power of our site lies in the vast array of opinions and insights received from many different people and feel that private messaging regarding interpersonal relationships does not have a place in that formula. We strongly discourage the use of private messages and remind all of our members that there are genuine safety and privacy concerns when contacting someone privately off and on our site."

 

WTF???..lol Thanks for your info.

[Guilt Ridden]

Here it goes people. Told SO, could not do this anymore. Told him struggling with so many issues, that I just needed to be alone. Major problem, I am so involved with the caretaking of his daughter, that I have changed my mind on the amount of time I am physically taking care of her.

 

I sometimes feel as though, there is not enough balance between my own children, her, time alone to myself and time alone with my SO. Explained that I am struggling, and cannot balance it all out!!!

 

Came home the other day to a 6 month schedule, his exw has prepared. It is full of the requirements of me of what nights I have her etc... and it was more than I am willing to give at this point. Spoke up, and said that I did not think it fair, a new schedule put in place without asking me my thoughts on it. Exw, had gone as far as changing her own work schedule to accomodate the NEW schedule.

 

SO, speaks to ex w.... and next thing you know, she has a letter all drawn up stating she is now going for full custody of his daughter. I wondered how it could go from me being responsible for her, to Full Custody?? She is a very pushy woman (my opinion) and when someone does not comply with her plans, goes off the deep end.

 

Now SO, even more mad at me... but there custody arrangements should have nothing to do with me and/or my availabilty. Problem is SO, couldnt care less if his exw, fell off the face of the earth..... therefore relies upon me for the care of his daughter immenesly!!!!

 

As the time goes on, I can now see that I cannot fill those shoes that are required of my so anyways.... I am now convinced more than ever this is not for me:)