Guilty and Regretful

[moloko]

What I find most sad... is that my kids are "normal"... coming from two homes. They are the majority.... not minority anymore.... go figure?..

 

my kids are normal too. and most kids will probably never admit it, but I'd bet that kids that don't get to live with both parents feel someone down when they hear other kids talk about their family, things they do together, and knowing that their home is intact. I'm sure as they get older they simply get use to it, but I wouldn't fool myself into thinking that everything is fine and dandy with them deep down inside, no matter how normal they seem on the surface.

[JaneyAmazed]

Yes JonnoS ... it is a waste. No good EVER comes of it.

 

You simply cannot understand it, unless you go through it. I was the least likely person whom anyone... including myself would of ever thought this would of happened to.

 

Not trying to put icing on it, but cheating and affairs is only a Symptom of something MUCH ... MUCH larger:(

 

My thoughts exactly.

[Distant78]

You simply cannot understand it, unless you go through it. I was the least likely person whom anyone... including myself would of ever thought this would of happened to.

 

No we pretty much understand infidelity.

 

Not trying to put icing on it, but cheating and affairs is only a Symptom of something MUCH ... MUCH larger:(

 

You're right it is a symptom.....of how selfish a person really is. The true colors of that person and how far they are willing to go to get a 10-minute orgasm behind their partner's back.

[Guilt Ridden]

No we pretty much understand infidelity.

 

 

 

You're right it is a symptom.....of how selfish a person really is. The true colors of that person and how far they are willing to go to get a 10-minute orgasm behind their partner's back.

 

To be quite honest.... sex was not what my affair was about anyways (I can only speak from my own experience). We used to talk..... lots and lots of talking, and majority of the time, was about our family, our spouses, our highs and lows. BTW.. this is not a plug of me trying to justify my affair.

 

Affairs are not always physical. I think that every Affair has its own uniqueness depending on the two people involved, and whatever those two people seek out, or are getting from the affair itself.

 

I think that its unfair to say that an affair is only about having an Orgasm behind their partners back. Affairs are much more complicated than just that and quite often dont even have to do with Sex at all.

[Guilt Ridden]

my kids are normal too. and most kids will probably never admit it, but I'd bet that kids that don't get to live with both parents feel someone down when they hear other kids talk about their family, things they do together, and knowing that their home is intact. I'm sure as they get older they simply get use to it, but I wouldn't fool myself into thinking that everything is fine and dandy with them deep down inside, no matter how normal they seem on the surface.

 

I know that under the surface my kids are probably hurting and confused. One thing for sure, is that I always make it priority to TALK with my kids. I give them any chance to ask any question they need to ask.

 

My boys are not alone at school by any means.... there are plenty of kids in each of their classrooms with similar situations... all I meant was that they must not feel alone. This does not trick me into thinking this way is ok or right... just I am sure gives them some reassurance knowing that they are not the only ones who live in two houses.

 

They have other kids whom can relate to their situation. Believe me, I would rather them have an intact family and one home.... life would be ALOT easier.... for all involved...!!

[IfiKnewThen]

i am sickened by the cheap shots here.

 

everyone has their opinions but i don't think this is a place for judgment. and it's very myopic to think affairs are about sex. and that the person is just selfish. it feels that way, especially if you have been betrayed. but if the other party were vulnerable or in a bad relationship and a lost soul at a low point in life and made a bad mistake does not make them necessarily selfish. some are..no doubt. most seem so. but again..not everyone is cut from the same cloth with the same situation. i dont know this woman from adam here but i wouldnt throw stones at her unless she was saying ...yeahhhhhhhhhhhh i loved hurting my family! this is a blast for me. i have no remorse. yeahhh it was all my husbands fault. he had it coming. i have not seen anything like that here. anyway..

[IfiKnewThen]

oh and even then i wouldnt be throwing stones...and i would just say...seek freakin help.

[Guilt Ridden]

i am sickened by the cheap shots here.

 

everyone has their opinions but i don't think this is a place for judgment. and it's very myopic to think affairs are about sex. and that the person is just selfish. it feels that way, especially if you have been betrayed. but if the other party were vulnerable or in a bad relationship and a lost soul at a low point in life and made a bad mistake does not make them necessarily selfish. some are..no doubt. most seem so. but again..not everyone is cut from the same cloth with the same situation. i dont know this woman from adam here but i wouldnt throw stones at her unless she was saying ...yeahhhhhhhhhhhh i loved hurting my family! this is a blast for me. i have no remorse. yeahhh it was all my husbands fault. he had it coming. i have not seen anything like that here. anyway..

 

Thanks IfIknewthen

 

Its allright. I know how judgemental people can be, I also knew posting on this Forum would ultimately subject me to such people and their opinions but that's ok.

 

I have had plenty of time, and experience with this sort of thing. The worst was admitting to the people who knew me, our family .. our friends.. my coworkers. Believe it or not, there were only a select few who chose to omit me from their lives, or slander me.

 

I must say, most people were very intrigued with my story, and listened quite readily. Most people have been waiting to "see what happens next" in my life. The love to hear about all the new things I am learning in IC.

 

Most people accept the fact that I am human, and capable of error. It was a big one....nonetheless....lol

 

Anyways.... I am not surprised by the negativity I have received here... everyones got their own opinion.... this is exaclty why I came here. To hear those opinions.

 

This is the first time ever I have embarked on a Forum before.... but it does not persuade me to leave.

 

I will keep encouraging all comments.. good and bad, postitive and negative as it's all a learning experience for me. My skins pretty thick, it is what is is...

 

Life is far more complex and many shades of gray in between the black and white...

[Distant78]

To be quite honest.... sex was not what my affair was about anyways (I can only speak from my own experience). We used to talk..... lots and lots of talking, and majority of the time, was about our family, our spouses, our highs and lows. BTW.. this is not a plug of me trying to justify my affair.

 

Affairs are not always physical. I think that every Affair has its own uniqueness depending on the two people involved, and whatever those two people seek out, or are getting from the affair itself.

 

I think that its unfair to say that an affair is only about having an Orgasm behind their partners back. Affairs are much more complicated than just that and quite often dont even have to do with Sex at all.

 

Affairs are not complicated nor did I say your affair specifically was based just on sex. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as the physical. And a lot of affairs are based on sex also. Pull down the layers and it's nothing but pure selfishness, cowardice, and lust for another person. All affairs have the same consequence at the end of the day.

[JustJoe]

You are right JustJoe... I am here for myself!! I am thinking of myself right now... the self sacraficing self that got me into this mess in the first place. Always putting my own true feelings aside for the sake of others.

 

This is why I am here JJ... to ask help and advice from those who may of gone through this same thing... so I can take the necessary steps in order to rectify some of the damage I have caused.

 

I'm not so concerned with the outcome... it worries me, but just knowing that I am starting a process helping myself, will hopefully reflect those all around me.

 

The course of Individual Counselling has already been long initiated... and it does not ALWAYS help. The counsellor is a good person, whom I respect and have trust and faith in.

 

Its failing ... I'm afraid of failing and doing the wrong thing...

that's all.

Well, GR, as long as you keep putting yourself first, you will be doing the wrong thing and you will fail. Now I know that total selflessness is impossible, but you haven't tried much of it, have you? The affair was selfish, the pain and damage you put your H and kids through was selfish, and the uncertainty you are putting your BF through is selfish. So please tell me where you have thought about the best interests of any one else? Most of the posters here are willing to help you turn your life around, but you have to be the one to do the heavy lifting. . You can't just run to another man, if things go bad in your marriage. Try this.... anytime you have tomake a decision about the H, kids, or BF, put their interests ahead of yours, AND ACT ON IT. You will be amazed at how much better things will turn out. The bottom line is that by helping others, you help yourself, and by understanding others, you understand yourself better. What you are doing now is concentrating on your own issues and hoping it will help the other people. It doesn't work that way.

[jnj express]

Hey guilt---you had your 1st child when you were 15, am I pretty much right ?????

 

Let me ask you something----since you became exclusive probably right away----do you think missing the time when people normally would date lots of others, and just go out and have fun, which you didn't/couldn't do

 

Do you think missing that time, was a reason you cheated---do you think your cheating was a way that you were sowing your wild oats---no matter what actually went on in your mge.

 

If you see your kids going down the same road you did, when they get to be 15 yrs old---what if anything are you gonna tell them?????

[Guilt Ridden]

Hey guilt---you had your 1st child when you were 15, am I pretty much right ?????

 

Let me ask you something----since you became exclusive probably right away----do you think missing the time when people normally would date lots of others, and just go out and have fun, which you didn't/couldn't do

 

Do you think missing that time, was a reason you cheated---do you think your cheating was a way that you were sowing your wild oats---no matter what actually went on in your mge.

 

If you see your kids going down the same road you did, when they get to be 15 yrs old---what if anything are you gonna tell them?????

 

Wrong. Started dating exh when I was 15. Married at 23 and kids at 26,27. One after another!!. My kids are now 10 and 9.

 

We were your typical "High School Sweethearts" voted most likely to "get married"...lol

 

Yes, spending that much time with one person ... many years, was probably a factor in my affair. But it definately was not the ONLY factor... there were many, many other reasons.

 

 

Nope. No kids at 15. Sorry.

[Guilt Ridden]

Affairs are not complicated nor did I say your affair specifically was based just on sex. Emotional affairs can be just as devastating as the physical. And a lot of affairs are based on sex also. Pull down the layers and it's nothing but pure selfishness, cowardice, and lust for another person. All affairs have the same consequence at the end of the day.

 

Sorry Distant78, have to disagree with you on that one.

 

Let me ask, when you had your affair? Just curious? What were some of the consequences of it? Did you lose your family like I did?

 

When you suggest that an affair is simply only showing the true colours of those involved (see your own earlier post)... suggesting that all those involved are mereley out for their own self pleasure the "10 minute Orgasm"... you basically are suggesting mine was just about the sex.

 

I posted my thread here figuring I would be receiving comments from Either Cheated on Spouse or Affair Spoouse. Judging from your opinions, they are merely that, not based on your own experiences.

 

Maybe I'm reading you wrong, maybe you are throwing out their your own comments based on the fact you are the cheated on spouse???

 

I do think that affairs for the most part have some of the same componets, lust, selfishness and perhaps as you said, Cowardice....but one thing is that they dont all have the same result at the end of the day as you earlier suggested.

 

Some affairs are wake up calls for those people who have neglected their marriage for far too long. Wakes them up into reality of what they stand to loose. Some Affairs are nothing more than a mere crutch used for the person who wants to leave the marriage...

 

some affairs end as fast as they start, and are never mentioned ever again... instead the person after the guilt and regret has set in, starts to refocus and put their energy back into their marriage again.

 

Some affairs scare the husband and wife so bad and they become so afraid of losing one another... it gets them to counselling where they should of been in the first place.

 

Sorry If I have read you wrong distant78, but Affairs are complicated... they suck you into a fantasy world, and I truly dont think anyone who has not been through it can fully understand the grasp it has on you once in it.

 

I think affairs happen to good people.... and good people happen to fall into affairs.

 

I'm not here to judge or be judged... just some great advice based on ones' own experiences would be helpful.

[pkn06002]

Sorry Distant78, have to disagree with you on that one.

 

Let me ask, when you had your affair? Just curious? What were some of the consequences of it? Did you lose your family like I did?

 

When you suggest that an affair is simply only showing the true colours of those involved (see your own earlier post)... suggesting that all those involved are mereley out for their own self pleasure the "10 minute Orgasm"... you basically are suggesting mine was just about the sex.

 

I posted my thread here figuring I would be receiving comments from Either Cheated on Spouse or Affair Spoouse. Judging from your opinions, they are merely that, not based on your own experiences.

 

Maybe I'm reading you wrong, maybe you are throwing out their your own comments based on the fact you are the cheated on spouse???

 

I do think that affairs for the most part have some of the same componets, lust, selfishness and perhaps as you said, Cowardice....but one thing is that they dont all have the same result at the end of the day as you earlier suggested.

 

Some affairs are wake up calls for those people who have neglected their marriage for far too long. Wakes them up into reality of what they stand to loose. Some Affairs are nothing more than a mere crutch used for the person who wants to leave the marriage...

 

some affairs end as fast as they start, and are never mentioned ever again... instead the person after the guilt and regret has set in, starts to refocus and put their energy back into their marriage again.

 

Some affairs scare the husband and wife so bad and they become so afraid of losing one another... it gets them to counselling where they should of been in the first place.

 

Sorry If I have read you wrong distant78, but Affairs are complicated... they suck you into a fantasy world, and I truly dont think anyone who has not been through it can fully understand the grasp it has on you once in it.

 

I think affairs happen to good people.... and good people happen to fall into affairs.

 

I'm not here to judge or be judged... just some great advice based on ones' own experiences would be helpful.

 

Well said!!!!

[xxoo]

I think affairs happen to good people.... and good people happen to fall into affairs.

 

Good people sometimes have affairs. Good people miss red flags, step over boundaries, act selfishly, make poor judgments, and generally screw up. Good people are flawed and sometimes act in hurtful ways.

 

But affairs don't happen to people, and people don't fall into affairs. That wording is way too passive, and ignores the decisions and choices that created the affair. If you can not understand how you created the situation--rather than it happening to you--you will likely "fall into" an affair again. In fact, it sort of looks like you already have!

[What_Next]

xxoo you took the words right out of my mouth. I agree that good people can get involved in affairs. In fact I know it to be true. My wife who is a good person did have an affair.

 

As for "falling into" affairs, umm NO. It's like saying I made "A" mistake. Umm no! You made hundreds, perhaps thousands of mistakes. Every text sent, every call made, every kiss taken, every time you climb into bed is a mistake. A person makes a cold and calculated decision to have an affair and to continue it.

[Distant78]

Let me ask, when you had your affair? Just curious? What were some of the consequences of it? Did you lose your family like I did?

 

I was on the other side.

 

When you suggest that an affair is simply only showing the true colours of those involved (see your own earlier post)... suggesting that all those involved are mereley out for their own self pleasure the "10 minute Orgasm"... you basically are suggesting mine was just about the sex.

 

Like I said I didn't say your affair was specifically based on just sex. But the fact of the matter is that all cheaters cheat for their own selfishness whether sex is included or not.

 

I posted my thread here figuring I would be receiving comments from Either Cheated on Spouse or Affair Spoouse. Judging from your opinions, they are merely that, not based on your own experiences.

 

Sorry you got that wrong. I know from my own personal experience.

 

Maybe I'm reading you wrong, maybe you are throwing out their your own comments based on the fact you are the cheated on spouse???

 

That doesn't negate the fact you're destroying your current relationship.

 

I do think that affairs for the most part have some of the same componets, lust, selfishness and perhaps as you said, Cowardice....but one thing is that they dont all have the same result at the end of the day as you earlier suggested.

 

Yes they do. All affairs end badly. There's no rainbows in affairs. Just heartbreak and betrayal.

 

Some affairs are wake up calls for those people who have neglected their marriage for far too long.

 

If the spouse wanted to "wake up" their partner that the relationship was going down the drain and wanted the relationship to move forward positively, after they've tried so hard to make it better, then they should've told them they were separating or divorcing them. But affairs are wake up calls to the betrayed spouse. Let's them know their cheating spouse is a bad person to be around.

 

Wakes them up into reality of what they stand to loose. Some Affairs are nothing more than a mere crutch used for the person who wants to leave the marriage...

 

LOL This statement tells a lot about you. It only wakes them up into the reality that they stand to lose a cheater. Affairs are nothing more than pure selfishness. If they wanted to leave the marriage, sign the papers first. They're adults and they have the power to keep their pants on for a few months before it's finalized.

 

some affairs end as fast as they start, and are never mentioned ever again... instead the person after the guilt and regret has set in, starts to refocus and put their energy back into their marriage again.

 

And see this is what tears marriages apart. Getting an attitude because their marriage sucks, cheating, and then expect to be welcomed back into the home with open arms as if nothing happened.

 

Some affairs scare the husband and wife so bad and they become so afraid of losing one another... it gets them to counselling where they should of been in the first place.

 

You contradicted yourself. But you're right it's where they should've been instead of the selfish spouse making the stupid choice to cheat and lie to their spouse for days to even years at a time. If not counseling then divorce. Plain and simple.

 

Sorry If I have read you wrong distant78, but Affairs are complicated... they suck you into a fantasy world, and I truly dont think anyone who has not been through it can fully understand the grasp it has on you once in it.

 

Nope. Again affairs are not complicated. The cheating spouse chooses to let the **** happen.

 

I think affairs happen to good people.... and good people happen to fall into affairs.

 

Good people don't "happen to fall into affairs." They don't slip and fall on someone else's cock/coochie that's not their partner's. They're not good people if they decide to cheat now are they?

 

I'm not here to judge or be judged... just some great advice based on ones' own experiences would be helpful.

 

And I have given you good advice IMHO so everything you're seeing from me is from my personal experience influenced with extensive research on affairs. But I'm getting the sense you don't like it because you feel I'm too point-forward, and it doesn't validate your reasons for hurting your current relationship like you did your marriage. But in any event I like everyone else has their own way of giving advice to folks here on LS.

[moloko]

I think affairs happen to good people.... and good people happen to fall into affairs.

 

if you say so:rolleyes:

[Guilt Ridden]

Being on the "Other Side" of things... I dont expect you to understand.

 

Keep your comments coming, they serve me good purpose this is why I posted ... for advice.

 

Regardless of how you choose to dish it. Dont bother me. Advice, is advice.

[Guilt Ridden]

I was on the other side.

 

 

You were on the "Other Side"....naahhh

 

I couldnt tell.

[Guilt Ridden]

if you say so:rolleyes:

 

 

Let me resay that: There are factors that Push People out of their Marriages... and then There are factors that Pull People into affairs...

things that make them more susceptible to this sort of thing...

 

even though they are good people.

 

Just my own thoughts on it....

[Distant78]

Being on the "Other Side" of things... I dont expect you to understand.

 

Being on the "Other Side" I do understand.

 

Keep your comments coming, they serve me good purpose this is why I posted ... for advice.

 

Regardless of how you choose to dish it. Dont bother me. Advice, is advice.

 

Ok.

[IfiKnewThen]

i don't see how it is productive to keep calling someone selfish.

 

she is NOT married now and is not having an affair now (as alluded to here also)

 

she admitted she made a mistake. and that does not minimize it or fluff it off like its nothing. she is suffering..her husband and children are and did.

 

i agree here with what she said : There are factors that Push People out of their Marriages... and then There are factors that Pull People into affairs...

things that make them more susceptible to this sort of thing...

even though they are good people.

 

does it excuse it...of course not. and it should go without saying to any intelligent person.

 

but she was here the way i understand it..because she feels bad and her husband now thinks he may have left prematurely, and they BOTH have new partners. i havent heard a word about anyone saying her husband should leave hsi partner while he is mulling over what that he may have checked out too soon. but the point is, they need to discuss things. she has been open to her new partner about whats transpired. no one is running jumping in bed with anybody outside of the relationships. she IS in counseling already and still torn as to what to do now with her life and future. twists and turns may be happening here with a new money wrench thrown in the works of her husbands revelation. or NOTHING maybe be happening here. i think she has already established through her title guilt ridden..that she was guilty and felt it. but it seems she was talking about the feelings that were left over from the affair in the marriage. i will end there. i just am not seeing the productivity anymore of repeating how selfish having an affair is. yes in the end it seems that way. but that doesnt mean that the nature of the person is to be selfish and always be selfish and want orgasms. my God i dont even know how to respond to reading this anymore.

 

i think its becoming a waste of time for her to keep reading what a selfish loser she is...when she came her for guidance for what is is to be torn and get a new monkey wrench thrown in the works now when her exh might be having a change of heart. she thought it was all over case closed. so there might need to be so re-valuation. should she then be living alone. maybe should he..maybe. but they have to TALK and find out if this is fantasy or left over feelings that didnt heal or fears or new relationships not being what they thought...or whatever. and how to go about that.

 

do you want to keep writing to each person here who about selfishness? is that what youre here for? it's a rhetorical question. anyway God bless. i hope you find your answers.

[IfiKnewThen]

typo : twists and turns may be happening here with a new money wrench thrown in the works of her husbands revelation.

 

correction should be: twists and turns may be happening here with a new monkey wrench thrown in the works of her husbands revelation.

[Distant78]

i don't see how it is productive to keep calling someone selfish.

 

she is NOT married now and is not having an affair now (as alluded to here also)

 

she admitted she made a mistake. and that does not minimize it or fluff it off like its nothing. she is suffering..her husband and children are and did.

 

i agree here with what she said : There are factors that Push People out of their Marriages... and then There are factors that Pull People into affairs...

things that make them more susceptible to this sort of thing...

even though they are good people.

 

does it excuse it...of course not. and it should go without saying to any intelligent person.

 

but she was here the way i understand it..because she feels bad and her husband now thinks he may have left prematurely, and they BOTH have new partners. i havent heard a word about anyone saying her husband should leave hsi partner while he is mulling over what that he may have checked out too soon. but the point is, they need to discuss things. she has been open to her new partner about whats transpired. no one is running jumping in bed with anybody outside of the relationships. she IS in counseling already and still torn as to what to do now with her life and future. twists and turns may be happening here with a new money wrench thrown in the works of her husbands revelation. or NOTHING maybe be happening here. i think she has already established through her title guilt ridden..that she was guilty and felt it. but it seems she was talking about the feelings that were left over from the affair in the marriage. i will end there. i just am not seeing the productivity anymore of repeating how selfish having an affair is. yes in the end it seems that way. but that doesnt mean that the nature of the person is to be selfish and always be selfish and want orgasms. my God i dont even know how to respond to reading this anymore.

 

i think its becoming a waste of time for her to keep reading what a selfish loser she is...when she came her for guidance for what is is to be torn and get a new monkey wrench thrown in the works now when her exh might be having a change of heart. she thought it was all over case closed. so there might need to be so re-valuation. should she then be living alone. maybe should he..maybe. but they have to TALK and find out if this is fantasy or left over feelings that didnt heal or fears or new relationships not being what they thought...or whatever. and how to go about that.

 

do you want to keep writing to each person here who about selfishness? is that what youre here for? it's a rhetorical question. anyway God bless. i hope you find your answers.

 

This is a public board. You're refusing to realize that what she's doing with her ex is an emotional affair. It's nothing innocent. Let's stop with all of the labels and justifications. She knows she can't drag this on for long and must stop. I'm here to give my point of view and facts just like everyone else. I already have my answers and I'm good with them. The question is are you.