curiousk Posted August 10, 2000 Share Posted August 10, 2000 i wanted to know you opinions on having what you might call friends with benefits. this meaning friends that you fool around with but dont have any intention of dating. i recently have tried this by messing around with some of my guy friends when i was bored or just curious. I know it may seem a bit unconventional but I would like to know your imput on this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
billy the kid Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 well that is the best friends you can have.... some people call them f---buddies.. I have a couple and the good part is that you are close friends and know that each other are clean... second is that when in need you can help each other with out committment.... third they are all most always there.... fourth you can usually share just about any thing with them, good or bad.....5th they will prob. become a lifelong friend.... i wanted to know you opinions on having what you might call friends with benefits. this meaning friends that you fool around with but dont have any intention of dating. i recently have tried this by messing around with some of my guy friends when i was bored or just curious. I know it may seem a bit unconventional but I would like to know your imput on this subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 Actually, I have had some of the most fulfilling and loving relationships with friends who just remained friends. There was no game playing, no arguing, I mean everything went well. The sex was great, we talked a lot, we did things together, made no demands on each other, gave each other space when we dated other people. I had one friends with benefits with a wonderful girl that lasted from the time she was 17 until she got married in her 30's. We are still very good friends. The two people involved have to be extremely mature, have their heads well together, have good control over their emotions, and respect and nurture the friendship. I loved this girl dearly...probably could have married her but just didn't want to. I just really loved her as a lady and a person. It was wonderful. There were a few others to lesser extents and every one of them was great. Yes, you can pull it off if you're lucky and you can have some extremely wonderful times. I know you mess around with your friends when you are bored...but I loved being around these lady friends but I always knew those relationships weren't keepers and they did too. I would do it again now if I were not married. Just do whatever makes you happy as long as there are clear understandings and you don't hurt anybody. As soon as you see a guy trying to get serious and that's not where you want to go, cut it off!!!...the relationship, that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Help Me Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 I agree with Billy on this one, except for one point, which is that you could potentially fall into the trap of becoming comfortable with these f#@&buddies. They can be great friends. However, they can cause you to stop searching for the "real thing". I would say take it in stride and be aware of the potential downside and you should be ok. I will leave you with the following quote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." Link to post Share on other sites
artlover Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 Ok, I'm obviously in the minority here, but I think "friends with benefits" is a total cop out. Fake relationships stop you from growing and learning and evolving into the kind of compassionate, loving, forgiving human being who can form real, committed relationships. Real relationships where you can be vulnerable and get hurt are what show you what you need and want in a partner and in a relationship. If you never have anyone in your life who you can be naked with who is willing to call you on your sh*t how will you ever be ready for the give and take of a marriage? Plus I don't really believe it works. All too often someone falls in love or someone represses their emotions for the sake of not rocking the boat. Who needs that? Also, the idea that you know each other is disease free just because you're close friends is very naive, because a) people sometimes don't tell people they think they can fall in love with that they have an STD so how do you really know they would tell you and b) there are many STDs (including herpes!) that can be symptomless or lie dormant for years before a first outbreak. So, let's face it we're all taking a risk if we don't use condoms and even condoms aren't 100%! So why would we even go there for just anyone. I think sex and my body are way to sacred for that. Maybe I'm feeling this because I'm 31, but at some point I think we should try to challenge ourselves and just give love and life a chance! Ok, tirade over :=) Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 You list some compelling reasons why you feel friends with benefits isn't for you...and that's great!!! But because it won't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for other people. You list all kinds of problems that are possible in such arrangement. Well, many of those same problems...or worse...crop up in committed relationships. As for the disease thing, everybody his responsible for their own way of handling that. I truly respect your feelings here and, frankly, I have no particular interest in defending or condemning the friends with benefits thing. But from a rational, academic standpoint, I can tell you it does often work out as well as other relationships for people who are at a particular emotional stage. When I post here, I feel I have an obligation to be open minded to all possiblities. I am glad you realize that this friends with benefits option is not one that would be good for you. Hopefully, most people here will be able to read all the posts and make a decision for themselves based on their current experience. You are absolutely right about one or the other falling in deeper. But that can happen anytime, anywhere in almost any situation. And people can fall out of love most any time in committed relationships. Isn't love a real bxtch!!! Link to post Share on other sites
artlover Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 I realize I sounded pretty judgemental. Although it's not my place, I sometimes get frustrated when I perceive that people stubbornly refuse to learn or grow. Of course, everyone has to learn and grow at their own pace. I understand that. However, let's face it, most of us (human nature) only change or grow through crisis or suffering. Don't get me wrong, I don't think love has anything to do with suffering. Real love is flowing and both people work to ensure it continues to flow (I experienced that once). But what you can learn from putting yourself on the line with someone, even the wrong person can really help you to see how truly blessed you are when you meet that right person. Otherwise, you might be sitting across the table from the love of your life and not even see them, because you haven't grown enough to get there. A close friend of mine who's 33 is in a healthy, loving, committed relationship for the first time in her life. She has dated MANY men. She's BEAUTIFUL on the inside and outside but kept picking loser after loser. She would give 100%, get hurt and then onto the next guy (granted it took her a long time to learn her lessons). She got hurt really badly a couple of times, but she got to see what she needed in a partnership and what she wanted. She also did a lot of inner spiritual work over the last 2 years. So she meets this guy that she wouldn't have looked at twice a year ago (he's not the most goodlooking guy in the world, he's extremely nice, stable, patient, etc.). She is so happy. I recently had to endure vacation photos of the two of them :=). I've literally NEVER seen her look happier. If she hadn't put herself on the line so many times and let herself live so consciously, I think she would have still over looked him! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 I read your above post three times and everything you said was great and informative. Except I didn't see it's relationship to the friends with benefits thing. As far as growing as human beings, every person everywhere is on his path to self actualization. As author Henry Miller wrote, "some men take the long route and some take the short route. Every man is working out his destiny in his own way and nobody can be of any help except by being kind, generous, and patient." Thank God for giving us a free will to live our lives in whatever way we want, within the perameters of the law. Link to post Share on other sites
curiousk Posted August 11, 2000 Share Posted August 11, 2000 thank you for all your input. the stuff i was talking about isn't quite as serious because im not looking for love or a boyfriend. im younger than probably most of the people posting here. i have never slept with anyone besides actaully sleeping near them. the guys i referred to i have known for a very long time (at least 10 years) and they know where i stand. the guy im interested in doesnt know anything. he is a bit shy and how might you say dense. I guess i will just have to deal with that. i dont know. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveAngel Posted August 16, 2000 Share Posted August 16, 2000 "and the good part is that you are close friends and know that each other are clean..." *shudder* Link to post Share on other sites
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