I want casual fun

[Leigh 87]

Hi,

 

I have been socially isolated for about 5 years, as most of you who have read my posts know by now.

 

I am 24 and want to learn how to be around men; to mecome abiable at first meeting, and then hanging out and flirting with them.

 

 

I want casual sex, as in a one off thing, occasionally, but not with a guy I meet the same night; I would rather talk with them and let the sexual tension b uild for a week, then do it; then not talk to them again.

 

I only want to have sex OR fool around ( not necessarily sex), once every two months or so - you know, just so the tension does not fester; I like sex and need it occasionally.

 

 

Lastly, I am annoyed because a guy I recently met sent me a msg on face book saying I was gorgeous - so he initiated contact. He added me on face book, sent me a msg saying I was gorgeous, and we discussed hooking up, which he seamed very keen to do.

 

After seaming interested, he has since ignored me.

 

So I have two questions: Until Uni starts, and even once it starts, how do I get reasonably attractive men to want to hang out with me and have casual sex once? ( as a one off thing - cos I do not want to do it again, as friends with benifits or a pro longed casual relationship is not something I want).

 

 

The other question is: This guy expressed an interest in me, and sounded keen ( wanted to hang that same day, and suggested the following day, and said he was keen to hang whenever).

 

He has since lost interest ( and no, it was not cos I called him on the day he was supposed to hang out - he didnt even notice the calls and he is too busy with a lot of people to care about me).

 

BUT.... even though he has stopped talking to me after he initially added me on face book and sent me the first message ( he initiated things by sending a msg saying I was gorgeous).

 

He sent me a msg on facebook last night saying " I am gunna f*ck you so hard!*

 

 

WHY has he sent that to me, when he otherwise has not bothered contacting me?

 

I just want to find guys to hang out with and have sex with occasionally. Sheesh.

 

 

I am at least average looking so it is not much to ask.

[Nightsky]

Once you start college it will be easy. Learn to respect and be happy with yourself and you won’t even worry about this.

 

Maybe watch an 80’s sex comedy

[Leigh 87]

I tried saying hi in face book chat, but he does not appear interested. I say hi - he says hi. I ask how r u, he sais " good how bout u"

 

 

I talk, he answers, that is it. His latest response to me was : brb".

 

 

to which I responded " no need to say that I get it - there is no need for us to talk unless u feel like sex. I won't walk to u again, just let me kno if u want feel like sex. Seeya:)"

 

 

I am fussy with looks you see, so I would have a one off thing with him ONCE, which is what I told him.

 

 

He knows I am not a skank - so I was not worried how my message came across - he knows I have only had sex once in twice in 5 years ( which was with the same guy), and he has met me once in person, and knows I am very quiet and not out going or slutty.

 

 

 

What I wanted to convey in my message, was " okay, I tr4ied talking to u, but you already have enough friends and hot girls when u need them, so I get that u have no desire or need to talk to me unless u feel like having sex with me; so dont worry I will not bother tying to talk to u, seeing as we have no reason to talk"

[Nightsky]

I think you are selling yourself short. I mean you can have casual sex with a guy who isn’t so flakey right?

 

Even guys who have no problems getting dates rarely have sex throw at them like this. No doubt this is a real ego boost for him.

[Leigh 87]

he did respond, with " huh I was polishing my shoes?"

 

 

 

 

to which said " nah I was not doubting whatever u were doing, I am saying that there is little point in chatting since we dont know each other - just let me know when u wanna hook up, and until then, seeya:)"

 

 

He said that he wants sex this week.

 

He is not that talkative online so far.

 

He then asked how badly I wanted it.

 

i said I walways want sex badly - hence why I get myself off ( so I do not go insane).

 

to which is is like " mmmm Im deff going down on you"

 

( because he knows I like that).

 

 

So he does not tend to say much on facebook chat.

 

I asked how often he has sex, and told him I would not judge, and his answer was "about once a month but I want it more"

 

 

 

he is offline now.

 

 

So what do you guys think? Am I finally going to get some sex and relieve the tension, or he is gunna flake and forget about it?

 

I wonder.

 

from now on though, I really am not talking to him lol; he can initiated any further contact, as it will be a turn off if I talk any more than I have.

[Nightsky]

“Once a month but I want it more” cracks me up. What goes through your mind when having this conversation?

 

If you guys work out maybe he can change that answer to “once a day sometimes more.”

[Leigh 87]

well he does not sound enthusiastic so I am perplexed; initially when he first added me on facebook he talked a lot in our first conversations, said i was gorgeous, and sounded very keen to have sex.

 

 

Now he is tapered off and stopped talking to me, aside fromtonight ( when I asked him if he was still keen, to which he responded yes).

 

 

I have stopped talking to him now and will leave it up to him, however,. if a guy says he wants sex this week with u, is it possible for him to be happy about it without showing it?

[Leigh 87]

So if he is interested, does it necessarily mean a guy who sais he dos want sex with u, will want to send u a lot of messages showing how excited he is?

[chinatownhustler]

he's a child and you're putting too much pressure on him. he's backing off because your expectations are high. you need a man to work you properly, not a boy..

[anne1707]

Leigh

 

You say you just want casual sex with this guy but you almost seem to be expecting dating style behaviours from him. You can't expect that level of interest in a one-off situation which you say is all you want from him.

 

I can't remember now. Have you actually met this man IRL?

[Leigh 87]

Yeh I met him, and he added me on face book, and then sent me a msg saying " you should smile more your a gorgeous girl"

 

 

We talked, he asked why I had no man, that he couldnt understand u I had no man in my life, so I explained I had a break from men for af ew years, bar that ONE fling, and that I was not looking for anything serious, but just some fun; he said it he is also looking for fun.

 

 

So I guess after his initial interest, which of course i relished due to me not getting much male attention, I guess I was on a downer cos he stopped talking to me as much as the initial time we talked.

 

 

So because he stopped talking to me, I assumed the sex we talked about was not gunna go ahead ever.

 

TOday he said he still wants to have sex. This week.

 

So I have stopped talking to him, and will wait for him to tell me when he wants to hook up.

 

I explained that I am fussy, hence the lack of sex for a few years ( cos I would rather go without than settle for some one who does not want me badly).

 

 

So that is the impression of me he has gotten so far; and he still saidf he wants the sex.

 

 

He is a guy so I thought he would be happy about the sex - but I guess he has only met me once, so cannot really get to excited since he has no idea how cool I am to be around, or if he HAS anything to look forward to.

 

For now, I guess I am just a girl he does not know, who he thinks is hot enough to have sex with; that is it.

 

 

And as long as shut my mouth NOW, and stop talking to him, and let him ask me if he wants to hook up, he wont think worser of me.

 

At this point, I have talked enough to make any further contact from my part annoying.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Leigh

 

I am not saying this in a mean spirited way, but from what I have learned about you from all your posts:

 

You are NOT going to experience this as fun.

 

The guy won't either.

 

If you really are in therapy, stop messing around. You are squandering your youth by your refusal to look at your terribly destructive patterns WITH A DESPERATE DETERMINATION TO CHANGE.

 

Please, when you are completely sober, read through that whole thread about this guy. Don't think about whether he believes you're crazy or not. Just read it and let the whole thing sink in.

 

Do you want to live the rest of your life just like this?

[melodymatters]

I don't know if you deeply, truly, want only casual sex or if that is your way of protecting yourself from rejection. I could venture a guess that it's the latter but unless you feel the same way, it is pointless to speculate.

 

But I CAN give you a quck bit of advice. Men think it's a bit creepy when woman " act like men" and present that they only want a quick piece of azz. They might not turn you down, but deep down, they are thinkng there is something wacky about this chick and they keep ther distance.( disclaimer, not in old, established friendships where you have a deep closeness as well as obvious physical needs)

 

If that is TRULY all you want, at least flirt like a woman, say you are not up for anything serious at this time in your life, but for God's sake, don't make it sound like you are scheduling a car repair !

[EricaH329]

You say that you just want casual fun, but your posts suggest otherwise. I've never seen (or experienced) a person who wants only sex to over-analyze, second guess, and pick at their insecurities the way you have.

 

If it is just sex you are looking for, there are tons of men that would give you that easily. Go out to a bar, I guarantee you will have a pool of men to choose from. You could get it immediately, without having to deal with this whole Facebook chat thing.

 

It seems to me that you are expecting more out of this. Not a relationship, per se, but someone to boost your confidence and self-esteem. I promise you, this is not the right way to go about doing this. But, I suppose, you will learn this on your own (after having gone through tremendous emotional stress over-analyzing every possible hook-up scenario, such as this).

[Leigh 87]

and WHY won't I have fun having sex with a guy, if I am attracted to him, he satifies in bed, and he is not a jerk to me?

 

By not opening myself up to the guy I sleep with, I am not goingto get hurt, as I have no emotions invested in the guy in question.

 

 

I am an extremely selfish person, as is the nature of eating disorders, and so I really do not care about feelings or emotions when it comed to men; I tell my good friends things, and have no desire to get close in any way, to the guys I want to derive sexual pleasure from.

 

 

and FOR THE LAST TIME, I liketo write a LOT about my encounters with men at this early stage, as I am not experienced with them, and liketo go through things, even though the guys I talk about are only men I consider for casual sex.

 

 

For instance, Logically I know how to gauge a guys interest levels, but it turns out it is hard sometimes to determine it, and morever, the way I act could have haulted the initial attraction this particular guy had for me,.

 

 

OH - I AGREE that although I have stated I am just out for fun, I should leave it at that and not talk about sex so much. Got it; I aint talking about it again, so I will dispell any negative connotations he has about me about the fact I am so open about sex.

 

I do know he like the fact that I am quiet in person ( he did meet me remember?) and yet, I was open about sex. However, if I stop talking about it NOW, I think it will remain a good thing, rather than a bad thing; where as if I kept going on about it at this point, it would confirm the negative side of the image he could think.

 

 

 

I don;t think the fact I like to analyzed my behaviour with men as weird though. I mean, I have learnt something over it.

 

AND **** THE F*CK UP about me needing help I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER and am GETTING HELP. DUH. I am aware I have issues, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE DO, but I am functional in public and when I study, m,y issues to not impact my daily image, albiet some of my interactions with men are apt to come across less than ideal at times; SO STOP TELLING ME I need help, when I am already AWARE of my problems, and AM talking to a therapist about them.

 

 

 

THIS thread is about how to attain sex - for pleasure. I do not invest feelings in men, so far the only things I was form them is the pleasure from sexual acts, and as another poster mentioned.... I ALSO would enjoy the thrill of a guy thinking I have a nice body - you know, when a guy says things that indicate he geniunly appreciates your body.

 

 

For instance - I do pilates dvds daily and eat healthily cos I like being healthy and it is a way of life for me, however; of course it would be nice if a guy I have sex with notices my nice body and says it is sexy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I follow your posts, but rarely comment on them - but that said, I think you need to figure out what it is you REALLY want. Do you really want casual sex or do you just want/need a man to desperately want/need/worship you but only for your body?

 

It doesn't sound like you want casual sex with this guy - it sounds like you want him to want you desperately (but only physically) as a way to reinforce your own sense of low self worth.

 

I've seen plenty of young women who are very much like you who use their bodies/sex appeal as a weapon against themselves. They say they want to be casual but what they really want is for a guy to become physically infatuated, f*ck them raw, and then walk away so that they can say "see, all he wanted was sex. If I/my body were more awesome, he would have wanted more.

 

Its a self fulfilling prophecy and just another way to hurt yourself and justify doing so. You seem to really need intimacy and acceptance, but having someone really accept you - regardless of your exterior - would mean that you would have to accept yourself and I don't think you are quite ready for that.

 

You starve your body in more ways than one, you know. You want to engorge your body with sex while starving it of intimacy - all the while resenting the fact that you need intimacy. Your posts show someone who says 'casual sex', but desperately needs 'intimacy' and so you find ways to punish yourself for that need.

[Mme. Chaucer]

and WHY won't I have fun having sex with a guy, if I am attracted to him, he satifies in bed, and he is not a jerk to me?

 

By not opening myself up to the guy I sleep with, I am not goingto get hurt, as I have no emotions invested in the guy in question.

 

Well, why don't you revisit your threads about the "body builder" guy. After you had sex with him, you obsessed about the fact that your hair was not in good shape that day ... it was not in its usual lustrous condition ... and also about your normally small ear being red and swollen. Leigh, you went on about these things for days, if I recall correctly, and further, you went into a complete emotional tailspin JUST LIKE you did a couple of days ago about this potential "casual" hookup.

 

 

I am an extremely selfish person, as is the nature of eating disorders, and so I really do not care about feelings or emotions when it comed to men; I tell my good friends things, and have no desire to get close in any way, to the guys I want to derive sexual pleasure from.

 

You want the pleasure of being worshipped for your beauty. And you seem proud to be selfish and superficial.

 

Maybe guys are picking up on this attitude. Doesn't make you sound like a fun girl for casual sex, that's for sure.

 

 

 

AND **** THE F*CK UP about me needing help I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER and am GETTING HELP. DUH. I am aware I have issues, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE DO, but I am functional in public and when I study, m,y issues to not impact my daily image, albiet some of my interactions with men are apt to come across less than ideal at times; SO STOP TELLING ME I need help, when I am already AWARE of my problems, and AM talking to a therapist about them.

 

What a rude way to address people who have paid attention to you, and who have taken an interest in you and spent time trying to help.

 

I won't participate in any more of your threads, Leigh. I sincerely hope that you DO come to a place where you realize to the depths of your very being that you CANNOT go on behaving like you do; justifying what you do in yourself, and destroying yourself. Therapy is worthless for people who are not interested in changing. And I am NOT talking about any kind of change to your physical appearance.

 

I'm pretty sure that your problems go beyond your eating disorder. I can tell you are smart, you are pretty, you sometimes seem interested in working on yourself (NOT your body). It would be a sad waste to see you go on this way into your forties.

 

I hope you find a way to a good life for yourself and I really mean it.

[denise_xo]

AND **** THE F*CK UP about me needing help I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER and am GETTING HELP. DUH. I am aware I have issues, LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE DO, but I am functional in public and when I study, m,y issues to not impact my daily image, albiet some of my interactions with men are apt to come across less than ideal at times; SO STOP TELLING ME I need help, when I am already AWARE of my problems, and AM talking to a therapist about them.

 

Well, Leigh, when sometimes talks on a public forum about starving herself to death, self harming, and throwing the food in the fridge out the window, then I think it's a bit unfair of you to then turn around and tell those of us who tried to give support to **** off. It's perfectly fine to say that it wasn't helpful for you. But if you had come across someone who was publicly announcing suicide, perhaps you would encourage that person to get some kind of assistance, too. It's a pretty natural reaction, I'd say.

[Kamille]

What happened to you Leigh? What are you running from? Why are you so afraid of your own emotions?

 

Every time I open one of your threads, I end up feeling like you're someone who's deeply wounded but who doesn't want to deal with the wound.

 

I get the impression you're someone to whom something painful has happened (or is happening) who wants to do everything to forget whatever that painful thing is. This means that you're disconnected from your own emotions.

 

I get the impression you want to reach happiness without dealing with whatever it is that has you so wounded.

 

 

If there is something you're running from, I hope therapy will be a safe place where you can discuss it.

[Questionis]

Just to say. if guy is willing to have sex with you , it will happen easily. You will not have to make this much effort.

So, if you have to wonder whether he actually does or not, then he doesn't. If you just after casual sex, then there is no need to put any more effort in.

Also where did you get the idea from that you could get sex in such a casual regular way? Maybe you heard some guy boasting about it? They lie alot you know.

Also the problem with getting random guys is that they are often quite crap in bed, not even worth the small amount of effort you put in.

[Trimmer]

By not opening myself up to the guy I sleep with, I am not going to get hurt, as I have no emotions invested in the guy in question....

 

I am an extremely selfish person, as is the nature of eating disorders, and so I really do not care about feelings or emotions when it comed to men...

No emotions invested? Don't care about feelings or emotions?

 

Then what happened a few days ago when he wasn't answering you in the manner you expected? Not invested? No emotions?

[Leigh 87]

No emotions invested? Don't care about feelings or emotions?

 

Then what happened a few days ago when he wasn't answering you in the manner you expected? Not invested? No emotions?

 

 

 

 

After not getting attention from a single guy, apart from one, in a 5 year time splan, I was really happy that this guy said I was gorgeous and started talking to me, and took an INITIAL interest in me.

 

 

Not only was I happy that one guy found me to be gorgeous, I also do really want sex, and am fussy, and this guy happens to have the right look that makes him PHYSICALLY a good match for me; providing he is not a jerk to me, I would probably do it, given his appearance highly drives me to him, sexually.

 

 

When I basically thought I blew myc hances with of potential sex, with a guy who initially ws excited about it, I was very upset with myself, because I really want sex at this point in time.

 

 

 

And I am not being nasty about the ppl who tell me to seek help - but peopl ehave told me enough times now - so I am saying to stop, as too many people continue telling me I need help, which I think is too excesive for a girl who only wants to be thin, and sometimes so much so that she wants to kill herself; it is not big deal, there are people with worse problems, and at least I have the means to addrfes mine ( money, as a means to seek the help, which I am doing).

[Leigh 87]

And you are right, in that what I want is: casual sex, to derive sexual pleasure from, because I love sex and really feel like having it occasionally ( not not excessively of course).

 

 

 

Furthermore, I also want: casual sex from guys who love my body, and tell me they think it is gorgeous; I do not want to BOTHER with men, who do not want me very badly.

 

 

I don't see anything wrong with that, as I am not expecting anything besides sex and the compiments from guys who genuinly DO appreciate my body.

 

I am not expecting or WANTING necessarily even more than ONE encounter. I am not dumb - I do no EXPECT or WANT toe guy to call me again.

 

 

If I enjoy the sexual encounter, and if the guy genuinly thinks I have a good body and look good, that is what I am in it for; I do not need him to call me again to validate me!

 

The fact I enjoyed the first sexual encounter with a given man, and enjoyed the fact her at least SEAMED to genuinly think I was gorgeous physically, is enough for me, and I do not need further effort from him to make me appreciate what i set out for.

 

 

 

I realize that a guy may only want the sex from me once, which is fine, as I am just out for fun too.

[Mad Max]

IMO, anyone that purposely goes out to have casual sex has low self-esteem and is playing Russian roulette with their health. If you want to go through with it, by all means go for it. It doesn't hurt me, but I don't respect people that do that.

[Leigh 87]

And all that has happened in my current situation that has annoyed me so much, is I have once again seamingly acted in ways that have made a guy, who INITIALLY was very intersted in me, become NOT interested.

 

 

He did not mind so much about me calling him that one day, as he did tell me to call and we were going to hang out that day; btu he was at the hospital all day without his phone, hence why I called a few times, and he did not think twice about the fact I called.

 

 

 

However, there are some thiings I have done thi time around, with this second guy, that I believe have been off putting, and lead to his initial high interest, to his now non existent interst levels:

 

 

- I simply talked to him too much on face book, and talked too much about sex with him; sure, he was happy that I was open about my sexual preferences at first, he liked that a lot, however, I should have left it.

 

 

So even though the calls did not deter him ( as he did sent msgs to me after and hsi interest had not yet been deferred) the thing I realized I did wrong with this particular guy, is that when he was on face book last night, I ruined his interest in me by talking to him too much.

 

 

 

 

He said hi, so I said hi, and vise versa. The fact he only answere me and did not initiated anything lead me to say to him " okay I get it, fromnow on there is no need for us to talk unless u want sex, so Ill stop talking to u until u want the sex, in which case u will contact me. Until then see ya"

 

 

He did not get it at first, so I reiterated it a few times, saying : if u want to see me u will call, otherwise we do not know each other and there is no poin talking"

 

 

I felt silly about trying to talk to him, and when I just got one word answers, I just wanted him to know that okay I get it, I want u to kn now I get it, and I will now back off.

 

 

 

He asked me one question after which lead to us talking a while longer, a little about the sex, and after it tapered off, I said that my mum is visiting,and to call me a few days after tues, to which he just ssaid "kk".

 

 

 

I tend to be very aware of EXACTLY how I have put guys off, AFTER I do it, so I definitly have learnt from this encounter...

 

 

Again, of course I am angry at myself, for making a guy who was initially interested in me and thought I was gorgeous, to a guy who thinks I am easily attainable and is not put off ( through my incessant taking about sex)

 

 

So I am just gunna let guys do the work a bit more, and to show interest and not lie about my interest, but to only give them enough of a sign that I AM interested, so they can then set things up.

 

After all, if a guy wants you badly enough, he WILL call.

 

 

I pride myself on KNOWING this; and I didnot go totally over board with talking too much with this guy - like, I would say something, he wouls speak, then I wouls speak - and I have not gone and made things worse and I have backed right off now.

 

 

 

But yes; I am certain that if I remained more mysterious, and let him do the puesuing more and not talked to him at all - I am sur ehe would have sent me more msgs by now and stuff.

 

 

 

Does any one else know what they do wrong AFTER they do it, and then think " damn I am angry at myself for actingt hat way"