getting a boyfriend is mission impossible

[CailinPig]

I'm 26, have had one longterm relatiosnhip, ended in november 2007, haven't had a boyfriend since.

I really want one. I get so sad about it. I know I'm atractive cos I get guys on nights out coming onto me, or flirting with me, or telling me i'm 'gorgeous', but i know what they're after, it's always just to score.

I feel like I've so much to offer, and I really wanna share things with someone else, but I find that these are the scenarios i end up in:

- guy really likes me, but i dont like him

- guy just wants to score me, but im really interested in more

it never works out for me, and it's horrible.

it gets me thinking back to my ex every time, and how much i miss him, and how he told me i was the most beautiful girl in the world and how much he loved me. i miss lying in his arms at night, i miss laughing with him, and going on little day trips with him.

i just want a relatiosnhip with someone i like. why is that so impossible to find??? and when i don't find it, why is it so devastating?

[paperbag111]

Hey CP, don't worry about it, just enjoy life and the right one will come. Here's what I posted on another thread which I quoted from another. I'm confused now.

 

"Stop, stop searching for love. Love is something you as a human by nature of your very being deserve and can have, but it is usually not something which comes when we are desperately seeking it. Ask almost any person and they'll tell you that they found true love in situations in which their expectations were the least. Furthermore, they'll tell you that when they were desperate they found all the wrong people.

 

Recent psychological studies have shown that people who have a positive self image are much more likely to find love, or better put have love come to them. So you if you want to increase your chances of finding love them start to love and enjoy who you are as a person, that's how self confidence is built. Wayne Dyer a famous spiritual teacher is qouted saying, "you only feel alone, if you don't like the person you're alone with."

 

Shift your focus from finding love to giving love to yourself. Many of you will find this an abstract concept "loving oneself." But, all it takes is spending some time with yourself and acquainting yourself with who you are, and accepting and allowing and embracing. Once you begin to make this shift and stop worrying about finding love it will come to you. Because how we think is what we bring into our lives. Once you yourself become love that light will shine and others will be attracted to it, and they will come it will natural this is for men and women. Why do you think confident people are so damn attractive?

 

I myself personally am 22 years old, I've dated alot and been in two somewhat serious relationships. I found however, that both of my past relationships came out of desperatism. I even did end up falling crazily in love but they weren't healthy sustainable relationships they brought me wonderful lessons though which have led to this message I'm sharing with you tonight. Finally I've begun to love myself and build my confidence and truly embrace who I am, and girls who I like and am into are showing up into my life and I'm approaching them cause I have the self confidence to do it.

 

What I am telling you here is give up on trying to capture love, stop trying so hard, or worrying so hard, don't make it a chore. Focus on giving love to yourself and building your confidence and enjoying your life just for the fact of enjoying your life.I promise you once you make this shift the girls that use to ellude you, the men who would never approach will begin to come to you, because you yourself will become love.

 

Please heed this advice for I find this is one of the biggest things missing in people's awareness when they are not in a relationship. And respond to this share your insight or comments or criticisms so as to keep this post alive for others to read. And I know there are plenty of grammatical errors in this message because I didn't bother editing it and apologize in advance."

 

Link to thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t258393/

 

I reckon the above is true. I went through my high school and college years without a single girl glancing at me a second time that I was interested in. Mind you I was a pretty shy guy due to an event when I was 11 or so in which I girl I liked ignored me when I told her I liked her. I personally don't think I'm that bad looking but I never really had an opportunity to show girls I was interested in what I was really like. Anyway, I finally gave up and just let it be, enjoyed life, hanging out with friends and family. Finally, while enjoying my life, mid-20s, I met my first GF now ex. So don't stress about it too much. Your time will come. But don't get me wrong, I know how you feel when you say you just want to be with someone, to share your day with, laugh with, hold, kiss etc.

[paperbag111]

Also, you'll find the one when you least expect it.

[Disillusioned]

Could your personality be sabotaging your search? A lot of attractive women act rude or ditzy, but to them it's normal... personally I'm turned off by both. Even fat or unattractive women can nab men by having a warm personality.

[CailinPig]

Paperbag, thanks for the replies, I appreciate it. I wish i wasn't so down about it. I honestly wish I could just be happy, but I feel like this is what I'll be left with my whole life. It just makes me sad. And the sadness won't lift.

 

Disillusioned, you have a very valid point. My personality is probably not my strong point when ya first meet me. I'm very shy, and can probably come across as stand-offish because of that. But that's something that I can't seem to change. I'm just socially awkward with men, particularly ones i find attractive.

That's also what makes me miss my ex. We were together three years and he really knew me and loved me. Because he persevered with getting to know me, I really let him in and he became my best friend. But we were teenagers back then, and I don't see guys in their mid twenties liking me enough to wait to get to know me. It really upsets me. I just wish someone liked me enough to wanna get to know me.

[somedude81]

I

- guy just wants to score me, but im really interested in more

it never works out for me, and it's horrible.

How do you know that the guy just wants to score? Don't forget that all men want sex. But many want more than just sex.

 

Also, how do you let guys you like, know you are single?

 

A big issue that I have, it that I automatically assume that all cute girls have a boyfriend. So I simply don't bother trying to get to know them. In the rare chances that I say, "To hell with it, I'll get to know her" I was right and she had a boyfriend.

[CailinPig]

somedude,

u may also have a point. but i think also because im quiet that lads think im not interested in them too. pah, i don't know. i feel so alone, i'll have to change something.

or try to be happy alone. it seems nearly impossible...

[Eeyore79]

I find that these are the scenarios i end up in:

- guy really likes me, but i dont like him

- guy just wants to score me, but im really interested in more

But every relationship is going to fall into one of those two categories: either he likes you but you don't reciprocate, or you like him and he doesn't reciprocate. That's why every relationship ends, except the last one... if you're lucky, eventually you'll have one relationship where you both like each other, and you'll stay together.

 

Basically what you're saying is that you're fed up with dating Mr Wrong while you're waiting for Mr Right, but obviously every guy will be Mr Wrong until you meet Mr Right! That's why every guy in your past is Mr Wrong, because you haven't met Mr Right yet. Unfortunately you can't hurry the process along; you just have to wait for Mr Right, and accept that every guy until then will be Mr Wrong.

[TouchedByViolet]

But every relationship is going to fall into one of those two categories: either he likes you but you don't reciprocate, or you like him and he doesn't reciprocate. That's why every relationship ends, except the last one... if you're lucky, eventually you'll have one relationship where you both like each other, and you'll stay together.

 

Basically what you're saying is that you're fed up with dating Mr Wrong while you're waiting for Mr Right, but obviously every guy will be Mr Wrong until you meet Mr Right! That's why every guy in your past is Mr Wrong, because you haven't met Mr Right yet. Unfortunately you can't hurry the process along; you just have to wait for Mr Right, and accept that every guy until then will be Mr Wrong.

 

Reading this I felt like a dog chasing my tail.

 

I feel your pain CailinPig, there is no easy answer except to find ways to be happy alone until you meet the right person. Sometimes it helps me to focus on people who are in nightmarish relationships. Makes me feel happy to be single. Happy couples on the other hand make me feel envious lol

[paperbag111]

Could your personality be sabotaging your search? A lot of attractive women act rude or ditzy, but to them it's normal... personally I'm turned off by both. Even fat or unattractive women can nab men by having a warm personality.

 

That's a turn off for me too. I especially don't like the ones that know they're good looking and flaunt it and act as if they're too good for any mere mortal beings.

 

I feel your pain CailinPig, there is no easy answer except to find ways to be happy alone until you meet the right person.

 

It's true, like I said that's how I met my ex.

 

Just some quote I remember reading,

"Always remember to be happy because you never know who's falling in love with your smile".

[Eeyore79]

Reading this I felt like a dog chasing my tail.

 

Hee hee

 

What I meant was, every relationship must necessarily be a failure until you meet the right one. So you will only have one relationship which isn't a failure, and that will be your last one.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Cailin, where are you meeting guys? Is it only on nights out? If you're out at bars and clubs, yes, the guys who approach you most often will only be looking for a hook up; it's just the way things are. What kind of guys are you looking for? Who you're looking for will definitely influence where you should look and how you should go about getting them.

[CailinPig]

well i dont like to think of a night out with my friends as an occassion for 'looking for a man' but i guess they end up that way, and yes i know it's not the right way to go about it, BUT where I live it's a town with about 15000 people, and on nights out is not where u meet random strangers, but rather you meet people you used to know in school, so it's a different atmosphere, and things might develop.

but yeah...

[Questionis]

Yes, that's what happens most of the time... depressing, I know.

Try getting a new hobby so you can meet different types of guys/ people to the ones you are meeting currently.

[StoneCold]

You know why this is? Because you stop yourself from having one....

 

I'...or telling me i'm 'gorgeous', but i know what they're after, it's always just to score.

 

Stop doing this...this is advice from a guy...stop.

 

You assume far too much of someone you really know nada about. Maybe hes the nicest guy but hes telling you your "gorgeous" because he just doesnt know what to say to a complete stranger in a loud bar but he just had to try. Thats the thing with women... they expect the guy to come up to them and say something so profound; but remember you are a stranger at that point so what can we really say (that isnt complete and utter bull****)...the good stuff will come in time if they are cut of the right stuff.

 

Next time, reciprocate by engaging them in a conversation (and please don't be sarcastic...nobody likes a sarcastic girl) and see how they handle it..

 

Give it a try...you never know you might actually meet someone really nice. Remember, its always a 2 way street and you really do get what you ask for. What I mean is as a guy when I approach a girl I'm not thinking "I'm gonna try to f*ck this girl"; and really that says alot coming from me because I'm one horny bastard lol. I'll approach with an clean slate...just to see how it will go. At that point one of 3 things will happen:

 

A) Nothing

B) I'll get action

C) It will develop into a relationship further down the line

 

Now weather its A, B or C will really depend on how the girls handles my advance; If she blows me off then its clearly A, if she acts like a sket then its B, and if she shows substance and attempts to engage me in conversation it'll be C.

 

Lastly..just because the guy is in a bar that doesn't mean he is bad. Remember YOU are in that bar too...and you're not bad right? They are the same guys at school, work, taking part is sports...hobbies....book clubs....could be in med school (back in the day a couple of my buddies were in med school and they were dismissed as trash at the bars like the rest of us future Financial Advisors, Investment Bankers, Teachers, Engineers, Lawyers and Accountants lol ) whatever

Edited February 2, 2011 by StoneCold

[CailinPig]

StoneCold,

Very good advice. Personally, i HATE it when a guy comes up in a club and says that, cos it's embarrassing and uncomfortable for me, I'm really shy! What am I supposed to say? So generally, if they come up and say 'ur gorgoues' or anything, i really have no clue what to say back. it makes it reeeeally awkward. And nooo, don't say u should say 'thanks', that'd be a really bizarre thing to reply, eek just thinking about it! haha!

I guess I wish after 3 years of singledom, I would have hoped that a guy with more confidence than I have with somehow have noticed me and thought he wanted to get t know me, and persevered past my shyness or whatever. See, my first boyfriend did that many years ago. But I haven't been blessed to find anyone like that since.

And yeah, i do come across sarcastic!!! but it's cos i feel really uncomfy with men if i feel they have any interest in me.

i sound like a headcase, i should probably save the world from myself and just accept being single!!

[Poke_Dott]

Cali Its as if u recited my mind out. I had same experience of 3 yr love relationship and its been 3 years since we been apart but cvan;t get over him as i am unable to find legit guys, guys that respect you and want to know you and not have a priority to get in your pants first month.

 

I dont know but its HARD where else you gonna meet guys! i stropped going clubbing as i got over it as a 25 yr old, but i live in a city and beleive me its same. I do not know where else to go and socialize, its either bars or clubs in this town.

 

Any suggestions?

[sally4sara]

I'll approach with an clean slate...just to see how it will go. At that point one of 3 things will happen:

 

A) Nothing

B) I'll get action

C) It will develop into a relationship further down the line

 

Now weather its A, B or C will really depend on how the girls handles my advance; If she blows me off then its clearly A, if she acts like a sket then its B, and if she shows substance and attempts to engage me in conversation it'll be C.

 

Lastly..just because the guy is in a bar that doesn't mean he is bad. Remember YOU are in that bar too...and you're not bad right? They are the same guys at school, work, taking part is sports...hobbies....book clubs....could be in med school (back in the day a couple of my buddies were in med school and they were dismissed as trash at the bars like the rest of us future Financial Advisors, Investment Bankers, Teachers, Engineers, Lawyers and Accountants lol ) whatever

 

Corrected:

 

Now weather its A, B or C will really depend on how the girls handles my advance; If she blows me off then its clearly A, if she goes with it, we'll act like skets together and it will be B, and if she shows substance and attempts to engage me in conversation it'll be C.

[carhill]

IMO, having read this old post, in order for attracting a healthy boyfriend to be mission possible, you *must* resolve your feelings for that one perfect love, your exBF, the man who cheated on his new 'love' with you. You still have unfinished business with him in your heart. No new man, however healthy, can finish that business. As a man, I can smell (meaning 'sense') that business when with a woman. Frankly, it's a turn-off. From my readings of women's opinions on LS, a man similarly situated is a turn-off for them, as well.

 

Health will be complete when disappointments with dates/men *or* dates with them *does not* lead to thoughts about how 'good' your ex of three years ago was. No comparisons will occur and no feelings will arise. A new man will not 'take his place', as he will be merely another of billions of people on the planet, with no significance.

 

Good luck

[CailinPig]

carhill,

 

That scares the crap outta me, that I must get over my ex first, because how the hell do I do that?? I would if I could. I have cut contact with him. We havent spoken in two and a half months, and i haven't actually seen him in a year and a month!! AND I haven't kissed him or had any romantic dealings with him in almost two whole years!!!!!!!

How do I get over him when I feel like a part of me never will? I really do want to meet someone new, but I can't lie and say my heart doesn't miss him. I DO miss him, but what can I do??

[carhill]

I wish I had a sure-fire answer for you. I don't. For myself, it took counseling to learn how to accept feelings and process them in a healthy way. The past doesn't rule me anymore. Hope you can find your path.

[Cee]

carhill,

 

That scares the crap outta me, that I must get over my ex first, because how the hell do I do that?? I would if I could. I have cut contact with him. We havent spoken in two and a half months, and i haven't actually seen him in a year and a month!! AND I haven't kissed him or had any romantic dealings with him in almost two whole years!!!!!!!

How do I get over him when I feel like a part of me never will? I really do want to meet someone new, but I can't lie and say my heart doesn't miss him. I DO miss him, but what can I do??

 

I think that you are holding onto your ex because you are afraid to be alone. Your ex is completely gone. You aren't in love with your ex. You are making him a phantom boyfriend so you won't be alone. And jumping from one man to the next will never make you feel happy or fulfilled. So looking for a guy to forget your ex will only teach you a bad lesson- that you are incapable of loving yourself.

 

So, I suggest that you stop looking for dates and start finding yourself. There is no easy formula for this. What I did was to be alone with myself and learn to love myself. Eventually, the obsessive thoughts of past exes faded and I had to look at myself. It was very painful and scary. I was pretty much a shell of a person waiting to be filled by someone else. But gradually, I learned to live on my own and love myself. I got therapy, took fun classes, made friends, did art, etc. My life got very full without a guy. And my heart was full from loving myself.

[yongyong]

how do you know they are just after sex?

 

If he wants to have relationship with you and at the same time have sex with you, are you ok with it?

 

you claimed yourself as 'an attractive girl'. I am pretty sure you were talking about 'the outside'.

 

are you one of those girls who dresses nice and has an attractive face but looks very cold and acts like a princess?

 

I am pretty sure you think you deserve something better and has been waiting for it. well, I hope you would find that before 30 because that's when the stock prices plummett for a woman

[spackle]

how do you know they are just after sex?

 

If he wants to have relationship with you and at the same time have sex with you, are you ok with it?

 

you claimed yourself as 'an attractive girl'. I am pretty sure you were talking about 'the outside'.

 

are you one of those girls who dresses nice and has an attractive face but looks very cold and acts like a princess?

 

I am pretty sure you think you deserve something better and has been waiting for it. well, I hope you would find that before 30 because that's when the stock prices plummett for a woman

 

 

for YOU maybe

[skydiveaddict]

carhill,

 

 

How do I get over him when I feel like a part of me never will? I really do want to meet someone new, but I can't lie and say my heart doesn't miss him. I DO miss him, but what can I do??

 

Don't let your heart be troubled,

you need to find new things to do. I can think of one that will take your mind completely off your ex. You will meet tons of new guys, and it will be the biggest rush of your life.

Edited February 11, 2011 by skydiveaddict