cafe_aulait Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 My parents disowned me after finding out that I've been in a relationship for the past year, both fianancially, physically, and emotionally. My mom says I've screwed up the family and if I ever want truce with her or my father, I'll have to marry my boyfriend - and even then, I'm not allowed back and I won't be given any financial support for college - which I just started. Being 18, I've been struggling to take out loans and keep going through the Spring semester of college, and I'm taking two jobs soon (at one now) - this is starting to become really depressing, and I'm starting to lose hope. I don't regret what I've done, just the way I've done it, and it was difficult because I come from a family with a strong, conservative background (Asian), and to them, I've committed a sin by being with my boyfriend. For the past year, I was afraid to tell them because I was afraid of what would happen - this is becoming really a schism for me now. I've been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and I feel they've found a solution by "doping me up" on anti-depressants.. I just wish I could go back home and know that I still had a family, I guess only the one's who's suffered through this knows what it's like to wake up and go to sleep knowing you don't have a father and a mother, and your little sister refuses to speak to you because she's scared she'll be disowned, too - I haven't cried so much in my life before. But for the past five months my boyfriend and his parents have been very supportive and they helped out in co-signing loans for me to get through this semester. Has anyone gone through this? I need help, I guess it's silly to think I'm posting on the internet - but I suppose you reach more people that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Are you Vietnamese? Am I right? I would imagine I am. I know many Vietnamese that are like that. Well, honestly, I would do whatever I could to get them back on my side. I would dump the boyfriend and work it out with the family. But that is just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cafe_aulait Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 No, I'm Pakistani. I can't do that, if you really love someone who's shown you how much he cares by sticking with you and even proposing to you because his family and him love you so much, I know I'm right and I can't do this. But I can't live without a family and know my father hates me. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I think that is very sad and unfortunate. Not having the support of your parents, either/or financially or emotionally can be AWFUL and detrimental. I understand a little about Asian values, etc. I just don't think it's fair of them to put this kind of strain on you. So, they have given you an ultimatum? You either marry your boyfriend or go back home? Beware the anti depressants (there's been a thread just today on that very subject). What an overwhelming feeling-you're in another country, and your parents are disowning you like this. I'm thinking there's a multitude of financial aid, etc. out there for a student like yourself. That's what I would worry about first (yourself and your future). Try to deal with it the best that you can, and I think VERY highly of your boyfriend's family for being supportive like that. Think about THAT...they do NOT have to be like that, they have chosen to. Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 You cant change Asian parent's minds,ever. They dont normally go off of emotion. They go off of custom, money, etc. I dont know what to tell you. Just do what is right for you. But I really would dump the boyfriend to be with the family. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by Sundaymorning You cant change Asian parent's minds,ever. They dont normally go off of emotion. They go off of custom, money, etc. I dont know what to tell you. Just do what is right for you. But I really would dump the boyfriend to be with the family. This is what I was referring to, and what I've heard. I think she said that her family suggested marrying her boyfriend in order to make things right. She can't force that, and they shouldn't get married because of her family, either. I think the fact that Cafe is taking a stand because of what SHE believes in is noble. It's also difficult, though because there are some sad strings attached to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cafe_aulait Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 My entire family (immediate) is in the U.S, they've been here since the 1970s and you'd think that being American citizens, they'd be a little more forgiving of the culture here. I only live 45 minutes away from my house, but I can't go back so I just had to stay in the dorms for Spring Break. I guess as every day goes by I wish I could go back home just like everyone else. It's really not an ultimatum. It's either I "Fix my sins" by marrying him and still be disowned, or I don't fix my "sins" and still be disowned. I know..I should be weary. I just don't know how to cope with myself having to deal with all sorts of new finances and bills, academics and grades, and personally. I want to give up and I know it is coming soon, because I don't feel like there's much hope left in me having my family. It's when your parents disown you and give up on you, that no one else in the world could tell you better. That's how I see it, sadly, and I try everyday to appreciate those who have supported me - but I can't wake up everyday without crying that I don't even have parents anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
metal_chik Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I can relate to ur story. I really feel for ya and I hope you and ur family can reconcile. When I moved in with my dad at 13 I switched from a small rural school to a pretty big city school. Man what a difference. When I hit high school I quickly became best friends with this chick "mary". After about a year she let me know how much she liked me. We started dating and I had never been happier. I mean she was just awesome, everything about her. Well, to make a long story short, my family found out. Most of my dad's side of the family are "bible thumpers" so they absolutely diasgree with this. When they found out they told me to get out, wouldn't even let me take ne thing. My other option was to dump her and never speak to her again. Not much of a choice at 15. I couldn't go back to live with my mom b/c me and my stepdad hate each other. I dumped her and I regret it more than ne thing. If I ever get a second chance, I'll tell my family to go to hell. And it still bothers me today when I get that I love u more than ne thing sh*t from dad, if he loved me more than ne thing, why would it have mattered so much, ya know. Point is, if u leave him b/c of ur family, u will always hold it against them for taking that from you. They should want u to be happy, not aid in making u miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Cafe, I have absolutely nothing to offer in the way of making this better for you other than just saying how sorry I am you are having to go thru it. Not understanding your culture, I just find the whole thing BIZAAR! Do you have an Asian group or club around campus who you could meet with and who would at least understand and be of emotional support to you? You could also try checking weblinks to other people who may have experienced what you are going thru. Please take care of yourself. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 First of all i feel real bad for you. But i don't understand how you are supposed to fnd someone if you can't date. I think it is because you are supposed to concentrate on school. But then again the pakistanies I know are allowed to date. I am indian, but i was raised pretty much white so i really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Im so sorry. you really have no choice but to pick up the peices and move on. your parents have already made it clear to you that there is no going back. I recommend speaking to your advisor or a student counsel about some scholarships and financial aid, tell them you have been cut off from your family and now your finances have changed. they may be able to 'find' money for you. they will also be able to guide you with a financial plan to help you figure out how much money you will need to support yourself. think of the future, you will someday be a sucessful educated women, probably with a husband and wonderful children. your parents will have been the ones who have lost out in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 You have to do what makes YOU happy. My sister-in-law was a menonite and was disowned by her family after she left the religion. They had a pre-arranged marriage for her, and between that and the strict rules that were placed on her she decided to leave. Its been a few years and her parents have not contacted her once. Never came for the wedding, never got to see their year old grandchild. If your parents want to be this stubborn, and willing to take customs over your love then it is their loss. Years from now maybe they will wake up to realize what they have truly lost out on. There is not much you can do. Don't blame yourself. You live life for YOURSELF. Expecting someone to live by your rules is just selfish, no matter what background or religion you come from. Parents who have this sort of custom, are showing a conditional love, which in my opinion is not a love worth having. My recommendation for you is to write them a letter. But don't compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I don't understand, Why do you care. This may sound cruel but you obviously made your choice so what else is there to do. Move on just do the best you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Originally posted by sweetbilly I don't understand, Why do you care. This may sound cruel but you obviously made your choice so what else is there to do. Move on just do the best you can do. Dude what would you do, how would you feel if your parents never talked to you again? Put yourself in her shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetbilly Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 My point is, if she knew this would happen,why would she do it. And if she loves him, who cares what her parents think. Besides, I have been in her shoes, more than once. I'm just telling her she can't change what her parents think, and if they're as demanding as I think they are, there's no use trying. So, just go on and do the best you can. Someday they'll come around. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 I have been disowned twice. Both over men who are no longer in my life. My feeling is, TRUE love does NOT disown. I am a mother of two daughters and have sworn to myself that I will never make them feel I do not accept them and their decisions unconditionally. To be disowned made me feel as if their love had conditions and I just feel that is a power/manipulation tactic that some people use when they feel they have lost control. Its ugly and hurtful, very damaging to the heart. I do not regret doing what I have done in the past (staying with the guys despite my disowning) because I felt it was worse to have parents that would not love me unconditionally. My brother stood by me the second time and told my parents that if they disowned me, they disowned him also....I can't tell you how much that meant to me and has stuck with me through the years. We all make mistakes, but we need our families to be there for us when we do. My parents came around each time, like pouting kids if you ask me. Link to post Share on other sites
lisapisa Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Well, it's a tough one and I'm sorry this has happened to you. Your parents want to control you and you said NO in a big way. You are going to have to grow up quickly and take responsibility for your choices. This may be a good thing for you, actually...you are only 18 and can you imagine having your parents dictate your life when you are 30? You are making the break early and though it's painful, it's necessary. Your parents will not be mad forever. This is a new thing for them. Keep in touch with cards even if they don't. Take the high road, live your life...and don't get upset if this boyfriend doesn't work out, because you are only 18 and it may not....some day, when you show up married with a child (and it may be 10 years before that happens), your parents will welcome you back. Maybe sooner than that. You can't apologize because you do not owe them an apology, really. Don't do the drugs and don't let the therapists play the blame game on your parents. You made some choices...own your choices. Be proud of them and move forward. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
obcaus Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 I hear you, sister! I've been disowned by my family four times in the past four years because they disapprove of my boyfriend's race. If you were anything like me, you'd feel the following: - distress over losing a very loving, happy family - missing the previous relationship you had with your family - guilt about whether you made the right decision - questioning yourself, your priorities - stressed out about future uncertainties - fearful of your future - defiance over what you believe - anger and frustration because they refuse to listen to your side I'm not saying that I'm an expert in all this, but here is what I have learned in the past four years of struggles and what has worked for me. - My parents disowned me, but I refuse to give them power over me. I continue to call and email & be a part of their family. I try to emphasize one thing "I love them." (I know they have enjoyed getting my emails or phone calls no matter what.) - I've become closer with some aunts and uncles. Even if they don't know me as well or if they disapprove of my life choices, it makes me feel better after I talk to them - Try to talk it out with your family. (I have tried, but I haven't been successful. But, at least I know that I TRIED.) It is possible to write them a letter or email describing your view. - Don't take anti-depressents. Not that I'm a doctor, but it seems to me that your depression is a natural part of grieving for the loss of your family. I've found that talking with friends is MUCH better. (My pyschologist didn't do me any good. Perhaps I wanted answers, but there are none.) - My sister pulled away from me for 3 years. That hurt me the most. But I've learned that she was just trying to protect herself. She needed time to adjust to our new relationship. We were close before but now we have a much stronger relationship. Have faith. I know it's hard, but it'll be ok. - Take care of YOURSELF. I mean this emotionally, spiritually, anything. Get some good friends, not just your boyfriend. After four years, I am running into the following issues: - What does a family mean? Is the family unit "my parents and me" or is it "my boyfriend-hopefully-future-husband and me plus additional kids"? What does it mean to be a parent? What does it mean to be a dutiful child? What does it mean to 'respect your elders/ancestors/family?" (Yes, I'm Asian.) - I wish my parents would accept me for who I am and wanting to date a person outside my race. But, can I accept them for who they are and love them despite the fact that they are racist? - Can I let go of my dreams to have doting grandparents over my bi-racial children? I'm worried that your boyfriend's family is financially backing you. Money affects people in weird ways. I'd try to find loans from other people or change your plans. Life may not be what you envisioned, but it will work in the end. If you want to talk further, it would do me good too. You're the first person that I know who's going through the same thing I am. Link to post Share on other sites
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