End of my rope Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I just want to thank all those LSers out there who have given me advice and their views on the online porn issue. My soon to be hubby was, in my opinion, addicted to online porn. It wasn't that he was looking at porn, it's that it was affecting our intimate life together. After reading all the advice and views on here I sat down with him for the final time on this issue. I told him I didn't mind him looking at porn as long as he could also have a healthy intimate life with me, but if he couldn't do both then it was me or the porn. I told him that I wasn't putting up with it anymore and that it only showed the lack of respect he had for me that he continued to do something that hurt me. And you know what? He's nearly stopped! Maybe a couple times a week now he'll look, but our intimate life has improved ten fold! I also think it helped that after I told him that I never mentioned it again, kinda got off his back so to speak. So see LSers...even though those porn threads are annoying...some good does come out of them! Link to post Share on other sites
betteroffalona Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I am really happy to hear that its improved for you, i however tried that and it backfired. My husband of three years tells me that porn has been a part of his life much longer than me therefore deserves more of his attention. He has told me that i am unattractive to him, and that he doesnt love me. We have an 18 month child together, and I am not in any financial position to leave right now. He then blames me for what he is driven to do. he also spends alot of time and money on strippers. I cant tell you the last time he physically touched me. I am very much alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author End of my rope Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 I am very much alone. I'm so very sorry it didn't work for you. My heart is litterally breaking for you. It sounds to me like your husband is a jerk and you'd be better of with out him. You said you couldn't financially leave him right now. Is there no family or friends who can help you out? You really don't need to be in that kind of relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 End, I'm soooo glad you were able to work it out and begin changing your situation. I think problems are solved on LS due to the poster finally having a place to vent and get his/her feelings out in the open. It's theraputic to write it down and get opinions from people who don't have anything to lose one way or the other in giving you their 2 cents. I LOVE LS! Better, I think you should listen to your name. I KNOW if isn't easy to have a child and be single. I've raised two for 6 years by myself. However, it IS possible and it is the ONLY way you are going to have a chance of finding love for yourself. You don't want your child to grow up in a household where one parent is disrespecting and hurting the other parent. You are being emotionally and physically starved. No one deserves that. Do you have any friends or family who could help you thru a transitional period of making a new life for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
betteroffalona Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 sometimes you know what you have to do, you just need to hear someone else agree, to get the confidence to do it. I know that i have to leave. He has been in counseling for over a year now, things have gotten worse. i have no problem with occasional porn, but my husband has become so dependant on it. he has a federal job and accesses porn at work all day and then comes home and locks himself in the office with it. I have also caught him sending his ex-girlfriends lingerie, in exchange for pictures of themselves in it. i think thats pretty sick. I need to move on. Its just tricky when your making decisions for yourself as well as a little one. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I know lawyers are expensive....but I believe you have enough grounds to have him put out of the house paying you child support and alimony till you get your feet on the ground. I'm not against all porn.....but he is obviously obsessed and not a good influence around the child. PLUS, people who get deeper and deeper into porn can end up on some really nasty sites. If he isn't taking control of this problemm, he could end up in a dark place which isn't even safe. The other day I was looking for a site to help someone with an 'ejaculation' post question. I was looking for something 'medical'. Some porn site popped up with a pic of a mom and her obviously 7-9 year old son in the tub with her touching him. I was APALLED! I turned the site address into a friend of mine who works for the FBI. I thought you had to search and pay for that crap. It nauseated me....and possibly cured me of ALL porn. LOL! Porn , in and of itself is not considered adultry, but contacting and purchasing for his EX'S????? DAMMIT! That's just WRONG! I think the courts would see it your way. Suggestion: Keep yourself a private journal. Write all this stuff down with dates and any proof you have. You can also download private 'spy ware' to clock his net adventures. Generally, I wouldn't go for spying on someone.....but you've got yourself a real problem. You've got to figure out a way to get out of this hell and have a way to take care of yourself and your child. Check some of the online legal sites. You can get free help there also. Link to post Share on other sites
betteroffalona Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 the only problem is that he makes most of the money, and his parents and his sister are all attorneys. I dont want to risk losing my daughter if i left. they would try to take her from me. I know they would. it would be a tough fight. but i am going to school for nursing starting this fall. Then i can afford to pack up and leave, and be self sufficient. maybe i will wait till then and do it that way. there is no way anyone would take a child away from a wonderful loving parent who has financial security.. right?? Link to post Share on other sites
brelynnda Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 You are absolutely right..But since his family may have some upper hand in the LAW catagory start documenting things. It never hurts to have something on him. I think porn around a child any age is a form of abuse, and him looking at it in front of you is abusive too. All I can say is cover your butt (naked or not) and keep on moving forward. I feel you can't go wrong. Good Luck God Bless Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 End of my rope, I'm very happy for you--you did exactly the right thing, conflict resolution at its finest. Betteroffalona, I'm very sorry for you--your husband's problem is not porn, but the fact that he's a prick. Link to post Share on other sites
AtomicOrphan Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 Originally posted by betteroffalona I am really happy to hear that its improved for you, i however tried that and it backfired. My husband of three years tells me that porn has been a part of his life much longer than me therefore deserves more of his attention. He has told me that i am unattractive to him, and that he doesnt love me. We have an 18 month child together, and I am not in any financial position to leave right now. He then blames me for what he is driven to do. he also spends alot of time and money on strippers. I cant tell you the last time he physically touched me. I am very much alone. SIGH.... I would like to think people didn't say such nasty things. It sounds like he was frustrated and venting. I'm not trying to justify his attitude...far from it. It's a statement so ridiculous it would be funny, if it wasn't so painful. My heart goes out to you. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 betteroffalona, i think you should go into counseling too. your H is an a**h***. he is verbally abusive and demeaning to you. if you can hang on to finish school, that would be great. get yourself financially sound. if you cant do it with out losing your sanity, get out. the courts will not take your child away, unless they can prove you are unfit. I dont see this happening. hey endofrope, im so happy you got a positive result. congrats Link to post Share on other sites
Pookette Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 End of my rope: Congratulations! I recently did the same with my hubby and he promised to stop. Like you said, "our intimate life has improved ten fold!" Mine too. I'm not depressed and moody all the time either. I've gotten some of my self confidence back too. I don't get nauseated when he turns his pc on anymore. It's a big relief, isn't it? betteroffalona: You didn't really answer if you had family or friends you could stay with. You gotta do SOMETHING to get out of that poisonous atmosphere! Go stay at a shelter or rent a hotel room for a while. The fact that his parents and sister are attorneys doesn't mean anything if you have proof of what he is doing! If you can get on his computer, print off screens of the places he's been and emails he's sent. Write down word for word what he says to you when he's being abusive. Look into getting a program like this--->http://pc-police.nethint.com/?referer=DwdKeyloggerSpy Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 21, 2004 Share Posted April 21, 2004 That's so solid. Good for you End!!! Wow...it's really nice to read about a positive thing going on with all of the other stuff we happen to discuss! Me likes. Link to post Share on other sites
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