Concerned about a friend... when is it considered emotional abuse?

[kaidie22]

Hi everyone. I am on here because I am worried about my best friend. She's been with this guy for 18 months. The first 6 months he was prince charming to all of us and they moved in together almost immediately. Then she found out that he didn't own the condo he claimed he did and that he owed the IRS back taxes of $100k on top of a mountain of unpaid collections. She has never even paid a bill late so I was really shocked, but supportive, when she decided to stick by him and give him a couple of months to prove that he was fixing this.

 

Fast forward to today, 1 year later and nothing has changed financially. Since then things have only gotten worse. They have had a few fights in the last 6 months in which he has lost his temper and it has taken hours for him to calm down. He has yelled at her, calling her stupid, an f-in bi---, he's sick of her s---, etc.. All of these fights were started by her asking a question he didn't like. He has never physically touched her, but he has been physically intimidating: yelling 2 inches from her face, blocking the door to the bedroom so she can't leave, and she has described the look on his face as terrifying. We recently found out that he struck his ex girlfriend's 3 year old in the face so I know that he is capable of physical violence. As much as I don't want to believe he would do anything to her, I don't trust him and I worry about her physical safety as well as her emotional/mental health.

 

He admitted that he had a drinking problem years ago, yet he still drinks quite a bit. Another more subtle red flag for me is that he will take food away when he thinks she's had too much. She laughs it off, but I feel like he is trying to control her and I worry that if it's gradual enough she won't see it for what it is.

 

Before this relationship she was the most strong, independent, confident woman I knew. Ironically the issues she is dealing with in this man were all on her absolute deal-breaker list, but for some reason she is still here. We have talked about all of this and I think she wants to leave him, but something is holding her back. I am terrified that she is going to stay and throw away everything she has worked for and not realize it until it's too late.

 

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

[bubbles5]

How can your friend live with a guy who would not even respect her for what she is doing for him. I would suggest break up this relationship b4 it gets worse 1 year is more than enough for giving chance to improve on financial status. Surely your friend is getting used for money n home.I would suggest a break up.She is also making her own life mess.

[shyatfirst]

Your girlfriend should leave the relationship now. The guy is a liar. The fact that yaur girlfriend is scared means that the boyfriend has abused her. The guy needs help.

I recently broke up with a girlfriend because she though I emotionally abused her. So I am attending a therapy class as I did not quite understand it. I have a better understanding of emotional abuse. In fact, by attending this class, i realized that I came from an abusive home. What I thought was normal was actually emotional abuse. In my case, when I get in to an argument with my ex, I tried to resolve our argument before we go to bed. If she tell me that she does not want to argue anymore, I need to stop. If I don't.....then I am controlling her which leads to emotional abuse.

Why am I saying the above ? Your girlfriend's boyfriend need to treat her with respect and not respond with anger.

[betterdeal]

Sounds like a very stressful and unhappy relationship. The guy is unstable and unreliable. He can benefit from counselling, but the relationship is not helping either of them live a happy, enjoyable life. Your friend has many choices. She can look into relationship counselling, or suggest he gets counselling for his debt and anger problems. If that doesn't work, she may need to leave the relationship if she wants to progress to a happier, more secure life.

 

As her friend, let her know how you feel. Use the same principles when talking to her as one does when talking to a lover - use "I" statements instead of "you" statements - I'm concerned about you, I'm available if you need someone to talk to, I think your relationship is harming you, that sort of thing. Don't tell her what to do, but do tell her that you're on her side and willing to help if she wants you to.

[Whimsical_Ninja]

OP, everything you described is almost textbook warning signs that this stuff is just going to escalate (sounds like it already is). It's typical controlling behavior.

 

It's really, really hard being the observer in a situation like that. In movies and television, it's always obvious to everyone what a cretin the abuser is but real life it's never that black & white. Abusers like this are brilliant at making the partner question herself/himself, and expertly shifting blame and responsibility away from themselves. The abuse starts small, then gets bigger and bigger.

 

It has nothing to do with confidence. Plenty of confident, happy, intelligent men and women have found themselves staying in relationships with sociopath/abusive personalities, and these types are so good at clouding the waters it's so easy for the partner to second guess their gut. It's a myth that only people with low self esteem or low intelligence become prey to people like this.

 

I am not sure what you can do, because I know from personal experience that it's extremely difficult for the person on the receiving end of the abuse to let themselves acknowledge it fully, let alone acknowledge it to friends or family. I didn't have a physically abusive partner but I had an emotionally abusive partner, and I always sat there examining his upbringing in order to make excuses for his behavior. I played into his hands because I took the responsibility and blame. I stopped telling anyone about the stuff he did that was so cruel and wrong, because I think I knew I wouldn't be able to escape the truth of it if I did. I was also ashamed, and my ex was very good at convincing me that talking about our relationship with other people was like betraying him. Being in a relationship with someone like that can turn even the most well-adjusted person into feeling like they have become a crazy person.

 

I am not sure anyone could have said anything to change my mind about my partner at the time, and I remember rushing to defend my ex whenever anyone questioned his character or motives (even when I had gotten upset at my ex for the very same things!). I fell into the trap of believing it was right to give him chances to prove himself, I fell into the trap of allowing him to mistreat me because I was so good at finding reasons why I was 'part of the problem' and so many other things. I put up with tons of stuff I had formerly declared as deal breakers too.

 

I can imagine that concern is magnified tenfold for you in light of the fact this guy has been physically abusive in the past. I would say, for now, just be there for her and keep talking to her. I would suggest perhaps searching the net for web pages featuring warning signs of abuse, and maybe find a bunch of stuff similar to her situation (especially stuff about how abuse starts and escalates). Maybe, if you feel there is room to do it, show it to her and discuss it. Tell her you're not trying to judge her, that you're just really concerned. Maybe seeing some outside information might make things more of a reality for her?

 

That's the only thing I can think of. I really hope she leaves this guy before it gets worse. You're a good friend, just keep doing what you're doing and try your best not to worry. Good luck