errlack Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 My girlfriend recently broke up with me. The aspect of the break that I am having the most difficulty in dealing with is the suddenness of it all. One day I was "the best boyfriend ever" and she was demanding that I "never leave", the next... we'd "lost our passion" and she needed a break to think things over. A few days later she told me it was over - that she loved me, but just as a friend. I just can't grasp how things changed so quickly. Our relationship was by no means perfect - we had both acknowledged that there were aspects in need of improvement. But based on the way she acted in the months leading up to the break up, she was completely happy to wait out a rough patch with me. She made me feel completely secure. We had made plans to fly out and see her extended family and would often discuss how we might parent our children in the future... My head is still spinning... Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 They didn't change quickly. She has been changing for the last few months, you just didn't see it. Trust me, when the dust starts to settle you will look back and see her starting to change. She may have acted like she was okay with the rough patch, but she was like a duck on the water. All around the duck, things seem calm. But if you look under the water that duck's feet are moving 1,000 miles an hour. On the surface she was okay, but mentally she was checking out. The best thing for you is to move on. Do not chase her, do not contact her, do not seek an explanation. Give yourself time to heal, then pick yourself up, and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
brneyedgrl Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 I agree with WTRanger. After my ex broke it off 3 weeks ago after 6 years I am now able to look back and see things for what they were. On the outside things were ok even though we had a few issues. I thought they were things we were working on and we were just in a rut however when I think about his actions, I realize he was already gone. It was nothing I did and there was nothing I could've done... it was just him wanting to quit. We were still making plans and going to events together adn he still said I love you but his actions spoke louder than words and I am now thankful it was broken off because I am able to say we were not meant to be. Thinking back on the way he handled the b/u I am lucky to not have this man in my life anymore. Yes I loved him and yes we were amazing for 6 years but things change and people change and sometimes the crappiest thing they can do to you is actually the best thing that ever happened to you. Pick yourself up and look forward, you can't get anywhere looking back. Link to post Share on other sites
stopthemadness Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 I agree with WTRanger. After my ex broke it off 3 weeks ago after 6 years I am now able to look back and see things for what they were. On the outside things were ok even though we had a few issues. I thought they were things we were working on and we were just in a rut however when I think about his actions, I realize he was already gone. It was nothing I did and there was nothing I could've done... it was just him wanting to quit. We were still making plans and going to events together adn he still said I love you but his actions spoke louder than words and I am now thankful it was broken off because I am able to say we were not meant to be. Thinking back on the way he handled the b/u I am lucky to not have this man in my life anymore. Yes I loved him and yes we were amazing for 6 years but things change and people change and sometimes the crappiest thing they can do to you is actually the best thing that ever happened to you. Pick yourself up and look forward, you can't get anywhere looking back. Wow i couldnt have said it better my self. Looking bk he left a long time ago..... Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 i like the duck example of how things went down. i saw something was wrong deep down inside..but he (being passive aggressive) kept saying..everything is still ok...we are moving forward. well he was the only one moving forward. right out of our lives. he is now married. he swears he only knew her 4 months. do any of you believe this? anyway...yes...it all looked calm but his feet were paddling like that duck. then he flew away...just like that left me stunned and quacking up. really...i am devastated and i feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) I think it's probably true that she was becoming detached sooner than you thought. People do and they don't always admit it to themselves at first. I've been through that telling me I was wonderful thing and then breaking up shortly afterwards. I even had the "I love you" for the first time shortly before the break up. I agonised over this for a long time after the break up and wondered what the hell happened. I came to conclusion that something like this happens: They start to feel something about the relationship's not quite right for them and become a bit distant, detached, not so attentive. They realise what's happening and that they are considering leaving, then they tell themselves not to be silly, this is a great guy/girl, who has achieved so much, who deserves every respect, and they can't possibly be thinking of giving you up can they? Moreover, they know it would hurt you so they put it to the back of their mind, but helpfully, they tell you all the nice things they've been thinking about you and omit to mention the thinking of giving you up bit. Shortly afterwards, they meet someone who gives them butterflies and they realise for sure that you are not right for them. Then they deliver the bad news, completely shocking you because of what went before. If they are lucky, the person who gave them butterflies is available to them and they immediately launch into another relationship and seem madly in love. This is even more shocking and unbelievable at the time. It's awful and terribly painful to have this happen, but bear in mind that you really are that great guy/girl and that someone else will find you wonderful and exciting and want to stay with you; it's just a matter of time. Edited February 1, 2011 by spiderowl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 There is no such thing as a sudden break-up. It has taken me so long to realize that but I finally do and I'm backing up from my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
IfiKnewThen Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 quote BlindRage There is no such thing as a sudden break-up. OMG this is sooooooo true blindrage. also i agree with spider owl about how it "happens". but i want to add this with my situation he actually saved all emails from me he considered 'bad" or hurtful to him. i am sure he misunderstood a lot of them or i communicated myself poorly . the ones that were 'bad" i am sorry for if i lost my cool . either way the point is...he had feelings for me but he decided (unbeknown to me) that he didnt want to be with me anymore and he had to literally build a case to get the strength to get away. so they prepare themselves. so they wont "get hurt" and are ready to leave you. with or without someone. someone else usually does help. he also went on the internet and got advise from a stranger on craigs list. because he felt he couldnt talk to anyone. boy does this continue to make me feel like garbage. but when it is SHOCKING...the point is....internally they have been secretly planning. a friend of theirs might know. their parents might know. but YOU dont know. then you look back and say....hmmmmm no wonder he or she was on the internet so much. no wonder they wore the same red shorts everyday and didnt care while with you yet...........dressed to the 9's when they went to work. hmmmmmmm no wonder they yawned and said they wanted to get to SLEEP early. (lol yeah, pretty depressing) no wonder the conversations went flat and they seemed preoccupied. no wonder they were looking to go out with their friends a lot. hmmmm no wonder they procrastinated not coming to be with you if you were LDR. hmmm? hmmm? the things that make you go hmmmm? and you ignored in your head because................................................................................................................................................................drum roll............ you had FAITH in them You took their word for everything They said I LOVE YOU. sometimes its true..you can look back and still not see it. either way its cruel to NOT know or NOT have a say in it or NOT be able to change. maybe they hinted and gave you a chance before. whatever it is (and i am really not trying to be funny)...it hurts so much and now we grieve as if someone died. and we feel rejection to the core of our souls and mourn...and mourn. we will somehow be delivered from this in time. i do pray on it. you need to build yourself up and surround yourself with love again and the things you love. you need to remember you're human and make mistakes. you have to remember they are human and make mistakes too. i hope you feel better soon and get through it fast as possible. sorry for the long post. God bless Link to post Share on other sites
Author errlack Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 Sad news. Thanks for all the responses. It actually never occurred to me that the "rough patch" was actually symptomatic of declining interest. Really depressing synopsis there, spiderowl. FML. She did tell me that she wanted to "prove to herself that she could be single", whatever that means. Probably there is another guy in the picture. IfIKnew, you are so right about the faith thing. I was convinced that she was happy and I know that MY attentiveness slid as a result. I feel like I left a lot on the table. Ahhhh... so many regrets. I don't like the idea of a life without her. Anyone reading this thread, if you think your relationship is worth it, put your all into it. Nothing lasts forever. Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 (edited) Sad news. Thanks for all the responses. It actually never occurred to me that the "rough patch" was actually symptomatic of declining interest. Really depressing synopsis there, spiderowl. FML. She did tell me that she wanted to "prove to herself that she could be single", whatever that means. Probably there is another guy in the picture. IfIKnew, you are so right about the faith thing. I was convinced that she was happy and I know that MY attentiveness slid as a result. I feel like I left a lot on the table. Ahhhh... so many regrets. I don't like the idea of a life without her. Anyone reading this thread, if you think your relationship is worth it, put your all into it. Nothing lasts forever. You know whats sadder? When you start moving on. I'm starting to move on and in a way I feel guilty about it. Edited February 1, 2011 by BlindRage Link to post Share on other sites
WindyWaves Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 I think it's probably true that she was becoming detached sooner than you thought. People do and they don't always admit it to themselves at first. I've been through that telling me I was wonderful thing and then breaking up shortly afterwards. I even had the "I love you" for the first time shortly before the break up. I agonised over this for a long time after the break up and wondered what the hell happened. I came to conclusion that something like this happens: They start to feel something about the relationship's not quite right for them and become a bit distant, detached, not so attentive. They realise what's happening and that they are considering leaving, then they tell themselves not to be silly, this is a great guy/girl, who has achieved so much, who deserves every respect, and they can't possibly be thinking of giving you up can they? Moreover, they know it would hurt you so they put it to the back of their mind, but helpfully, they tell you all the nice things they've been thinking about you and omit to mention the thinking of giving you up bit. Shortly afterwards, they meet someone who gives them butterflies and they realise for sure that you are not right for them. Then they deliver the bad news, completely shocking you because of what went before. If they are lucky, the person who gave them butterflies is available to them and they immediately launch into another relationship and seem madly in love. This is even more shocking and unbelievable at the time. It's awful and terribly painful to have this happen, but bear in mind that you really are that great guy/girl and that someone else will find you wonderful and exciting and want to stay with you; it's just a matter of time. You have described EXACTLY what is happened to me. I am so broken and devastated. I am trying so hard not to fall apart. Link to post Share on other sites
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