What can I do if we tick all 4 Horsemen?

[Kivu]

Hi all, in another thread there was a link about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. My husband does all four of them to me (I don't think I do the same to him, and I've been analysing our problems for years trying to get a grip as to why we keep arguing - it's not all him, sure, but I think it's mostly these things).

 

Here's the issues:

 

1. Criticism ("You are always whining")

 

He will tell me that he can never do enough for me, that I will always pick faults in him ("Can you please take out the rubbish this week, I've done it four weeks in a row now" is apparently whining). Other criticisms: My dress sense is terrible, I have a really high singing voice that only dogs can hear, I never listen or care about him, on and on and on.

 

I don't think I criticise him because he will scream at me if there's even the slightest whiff of it. I can't even tell him he's wearing his shirt backwards (happened once, apparently I was criticising him and he can dress himself, thank you).

 

2. Contempt ("You're a basket case")

 

He has told me I'm probably autistic, probably slightly retarded, probably insane, on some spectrum or other, illogical, irrational, thoughtless, useless, etc. I can't remember them all.

 

I would never put him down in an argument. I just don't do it. I probably could, but I don't. I'm too sensitive myself to try to hurt others.

 

3. Defensiveness ("I'm not the problem, you are!")

 

Every argument is my fault and if I say that it's probably both our faults he will tell me no, all my fault. Most of the time he's pissed at me because I've failed to read some signal he's given. This is my fault.

 

I absolutely and readily admit fault. This gives rise inevitably to where, if I admit some fault, the entire argument was my fault, I've accepted whatever he had to say wholesale, and he's free to ignore whatever issue I have.

 

4. Stonewalling (withdrawing or becoming silent)

 

He'll tell me we've wasted too much time on this. He'll leave the room. He'll look at his computer and not talk to me. He'll tell me all the logical fallacies in my argument without addressing the substance. He will not admit fault therefore he doesn't have to!

 

So what can I do?

 

He loves me, I love him, we're happy a lot of the time, but we argue at least once a week sometimes (others we'll go a month without arguing).

 

I really wish I could turn some of these behaviours around. What would help?

[Linda9999]

I think you can't change him - you can only change yourself. Start with that.

 

Do you have the book this comes from? The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I think you should get it and read the whole thing. Make some of the positive changes it talks about as far as YOU are concerned, then see where you stand with him. Maybe he'll decide he wants in on the action too, but if he doesn't, and you keep expecting he will change, I am sorry but you're only up for disappointment.