Unapologetic OWs - a threat?

[seren]

I would like to ask, what does BBS mean? Have I missed something?

[moloko]

I don't see them as a threat at all. IMO, most men don't fall in love with self-centered/arrogant women.

 

precisely, I'm repulsed by them. once I figure out if the woman Im with is this much in love with herself, I don't stick around. nothing is more unattractive.

[woinlove]

I would like to ask, what does BBS mean? Have I missed something?

 

You are fortunate you missed it. It is a new acronym that was used by an OW, first to describe some alleged "attackers" on LS and later used together with ROW (where the R is reformed). Anyway, the whole sad story is buried in multiple posts scattered over a couple days in the "Agenda" thread.

Edited February 2, 2011 by woinlove

[sally4sara]

I believe some actually like to think of themselves as a threat. It makes them feel safer. I have often thought they desperately want to be married but fear being hurt by an affair. No marriage for them means no one can take from them but what they really want bleeds through and they get it the way they fear the most - by taking from someone else they envy more than they care to admit. They need to be part of the process in being chosen over someone else or its not satisfying to their insecurities.

 

"he must really love me if he is willing to do *this* to be with me."

 

But catfish always bites the dangled worm.

[donnamaybe]

But catfish always bites the dangled worm.

Wow. I've never heard THAT one before! Good analogy!

[sally4sara]

Wow. I've never heard THAT one before! Good analogy!

 

Kinda hard to feel threatened by the worm, but I can see why the worm might want to imagine they are threatening.

[silktricks]

I would like to ask, what does BBS mean? Have I missed something?

 

apparently "bitter betrayed spouse" - based on recent posts here.

[donnamaybe]

apparently "bitter betrayed spouse" - based on recent posts here.

And as often as it's been bandied about lately, I wonder who is REALLY the bitter one.

[BB07]

In the meantime, there are people here who truly do need support..........those threads aren't getting much traffic.

[donnamaybe]

In the meantime, there are people here who truly do need support..........those threads aren't getting much traffic.

I'm paying attention...

[sally4sara]

Notice the break down in logic:

 

How do you get from "if it wasn't me, they'd be with someone else so I'm not to blame"

 

To "oh I'm just so intellectual and confident that I'm a threat to wives everywhere because men will naturally fall in love with me"?

 

Either you are to blame for your part or you're not the threat; can't have it both ways.

 

Its the wayward spouse that is the threat not the bait they bite. To the BS, its the realization you've made yourself vulnerable to a selfish mate that is the threat, not the oh so confident AP who gravitates to selfish married people time and time again.

[Fight4Me]

Its the wayward spouse that is the threat not the bait they bite. To the BS, its the realization you've made yourself vulnerable to a selfish mate that is the threat, not the oh so confident AP who gravitates to selfish married people time and time again.

 

Yahtzee!

 

I mean... BINGO!

[herenow]

This whole "unapologetic"' thing confuses me. If you don't feel there is anything to apologize for, why even address it? Seems to me when you say you are "unapologetic", it means you feel you should apologize, but you won't.

 

Not like there are people who do charity work posting that they are "unapologetic" philanthropists?

 

So, whats up? Is it that you know you should be apologizing? Why is it necessary to call yourself an "unapologetic OW"?

[PeachyPink]

I believe some actually like to think of themselves as a threat. It makes them feel safer. I have often thought they desperately want to be married but fear being hurt by an affair. No marriage for them means no one can take from them but what they really want bleeds through and they get it the way they fear the most - by taking from someone else they envy more than they care to admit. They need to be part of the process in being chosen over someone else or its not satisfying to their insecurities.

 

"he must really love me if he is willing to do *this* to be with me."

 

But catfish always bites the dangled worm.

Sally,

I think you nailed it!

Did you know that catfish are bottom-feeders? You must have.

[Woman In Blue]

"he must really love me if he is willing to do *this* to be with me."

LMAO!! No, he really loves HIMSELF because he's risking his marriage for some fantasy and an escape on the side. I've actually lost COUNT of how many men I've heard say, "I don't want to CHANGE my life, I just want to ADD to it." Yes, the ultimate in selfishness.

 

And no, I don't consider "unapologetic OW" some kind of a threat to me or my relationship. Quite honestly, if my guy's got a mind to cheat, he'll do it whether the OW is apologetic about it or not.

Edited February 2, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[fooled once]

....

 

Why would I find you to be a threat? Threat to me? Threat to my marriage? No. Even if you were my next-door-neighbor, you wouldn't be a threat.

 

The only part of the unapologetic OW that I find - hhmmmm, how to put this - off-putting - is not the unapologetic part, it is the arrogant part. The idea that an unapologetic OW is so terribly attractive that basically any man would come lusting after them just seems rather childish to me.

 

Great post Silk. I wholeheartedly agree.

 

I'm not sure I see the difference between an OW who is currently engaged in an affair and an unapologetic OW. A person who apologizes for their behavior isn't being honest if they are still continuing that behavior.

 

So, the question to me would be be: Do I find OW's threatening? Easy, No.

 

If my H wanted to be with an OW, I would insist he leaves. Why would I ever want to be with a man who wants to be with an OW? The point that is missed here so often, is that many BW (when they find out about the affair) tell their WH"s to go be with the OW.

 

For the most part, BW's don't see the OW as a threat. They see their H's and their marriages as a commitment to be honored. If that commitment is broken, it's the MM who is the one that threatened it. The OW is not the threat.

 

Great post too herenow!!!

 

For me, the "unapologetic OW" is someone who has no empathy, no real depth of emotion and an inability to really care for others. They are selfish, arrogant, egotistical (e.g. thinking they are more intelligent or better lovers). Their behaviour is that of a predator with no consideration of the consequences for anybody else - even the MM may be as much of a victim as the BS at times.

 

I read out the OP to my husband and he just laughed at how ridiculous it is that someone could consider the "unapologetic OW" as more desirable or more attractive than us mere mortals. What kind of doormat must fall for her behaviours as he must surely be submissive to fit in with all her demands.

 

The "unapologetic OW" is nothing to fear at all. If anything, she deserves sympathy for being so delusional.

 

Ding Ding Ding!!! Agree!!

I'm getting the idea that the "unapologetic" get a huge ego boost out of thinking that they're threatening.

 

Yep

 

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

 

Agree Stung!

 

I am not threatened by any other woman - unapologetic or not. I know my husband, I know the commitment we have. He isn't a coward and would not sneak around and cheat if there were an issue in our marriage. He would talk to me. We would work together towards fixing any issues. Quite frankly, IMHO, a MM who sneaks around and lies is nothing but a punk and a coward. Real men treat people with respect - especially their wives. IF they decide they do not want to be married to their wife anymore, they handle it the honest way - pursing a divorce - not sneaking around, gaslighting, lying and being a coward.

[OWoman]

Tell yourself what you need to make it okay. It is all about you.

 

Actually, it wasn't "all about me". The point she was making (in the OP) was a general one, which I would have imagined would have been clear to anyone else reading it.

 

But thanks for your "friendly comment"

[jthorne]

I would like to ask, what does BBS mean? Have I missed something?

I believe the person who made up BBS later clarified and said it meant BLESSED BS.

 

You know what? I'm going to agree with that. If a BS is now without the WS, then well, perhaps they are better off and blessed to have that negativity out of their lives. If they have or are working on reconciling, then they are blessed to have a second chance at a strong, healthy marriage.

 

Now, why the disparaging remarks when using the term BBS, I don't know. Maybe a topic for another thread. Jealousy maybe? I didn't make up the term, so I can't say. To address the topic of this thread, if it is jealousy, then I have trouble seeing how they are a real threat. After all, if they were secure that they were one up, they wouldn't be jealous.

[woinlove]

I

Now, why the disparaging remarks when using the term BBS, I don't know. Maybe a topic for another thread. Jealousy maybe? I didn't make up the term, so I can't say. To address the topic of this thread, if it is jealousy, then I have trouble seeing how they are a real threat. After all, if they were secure that they were one up, they wouldn't be jealous.

 

You've got a point. If one interprets the extra B (in this case for betrayed wives) in the OP (below) as "blessed", it becomes even more obvious where the insecurity lies.

 

But you will see the BBWs' fears surface over and over again.They fear unapologetic OW most of all. I think it is because they see us as the type of women most likely to "get the MM" in the end. It seems to me that we who are unapologetic tend to be more self-centered, self-assured, self-confident. I think that as a "species" uOW tend to be more self-sufficient, intellectual, humourous, commited. Because of that, uOW are feared above all because we are the type of women men DO "fall in love" with. We are the type of women whose company is desired by men. They know that with women like that men usually are not in it just for the sex, though they also know that bcause we are all those things we also tend to be great lovers. (A confident lover always is much more fun than an insecure lover.)

 

They do not really fear women who stay at home all day cleaning the litter-box while waiting for the MM to call. She is no real threat to them.

[sally4sara]

Ever notice the lack of OM on here talking themselves up and suggesting they are irresistible and therefore some huge threat to male BS? The lack of OM going on to marriage continuing to immerse themselves in and identify with AP discussions? The lack of talking about how unapologetic they are or were about their actions in being an OM? Its an even larger disparity than general relationship discussions shows.

 

Pretty odd for a gender that commonly feels elevated through their attainment of sex. I wonder what it is that has them not feeling compelled to self flattery about these kind of conquests?

[BB07]

OWoman said.........

So, a friend said:

But you will see the BBWs' fears surface over and over again.They fear unapologetic OW most of all. I think it is because they see us as the type of women most likely to "get the MM" in the end. It seems to me that we who are unapologetic tend to be more self-centered, self-assured, self-confident. I think that as a "species" uOW tend to be more self-sufficient, intellectual, humourous, commited. Because of that, uOW are feared above all because we are the type of women men DO "fall in love" with. We are the type of women whose company is desired by men. They know that with women like that men usually are not in it just for the sex, though they also know that bcause we are all those things we also tend to be great lovers. (A confident lover always is much more fun than an insecure lover.)

 

They do not really fear women who stay at home all day cleaning the litter-box while waiting for the MM to call. She is no real threat to them.

 

My thoughts on the above are with that yes uOW are more self centered for sure as it seems easier for them to discount or ignore any hurt that comes to the other principals in mm's life. As for self confident that is debatable as I don't see the majority of uOW's as self confident at all, else why would they agree to take 3rd, 4th place in someone's life and allowing it to go on for years and years? As for uOW being committed......yes, but at what price and is the commitment worth the risk when it goes on with no changes made by mm? The uOW is not getting what they are giving as in a exclusive commitment from MM.

I would exclude you OWoman from the majority of my above comments as you don't come across as anyone's doormat nor would you be willing to wait for years and years for your love to make a decision.

 

It made a lot of sense to me and helped explain why some noobs here, as well as some "older" posters, tend to draw most of the fire. It's probably easier to respond to someone with compassion when you don't view them as representative of a threat, while those who get what they want - which might include someone else's H - are too terrible to contemplate, and must be silenced and neutralised at all costs.

 

Well I'm not threatened , but I guess that is beside the point but I don't see the BS's here viewing it that way either. Most of the BS's that post here are compassionate and caring, IMO other than the hit and run insults but those are clear and easy to discount and don't factor in at all. I don't get that comment at all about being silenced and neutralized.......actually I find it quite humorous much as I find the comments about someone being bullied funny also. Posts that are against the TOS are dealt with pretty quickly so it's not a free for all around here.

 

So, I'm putting this out there for OWs and OMs of all stripes - do you feel our degree of "unapologeticness" or otherwise contributed to the degree, and kind, of support you received - from other APs, from BSs past and present and from anyone else?

 

And for non-APs - does the degree to which an AP is "unapologetic" influence the degree to which you feel yourself able to provide support (of the kind sought by the OP, not what you might assume the OP might need)?

 

I wouldn't deny that I'm more sympathetic and my responses tend to go to the posters who want out of the affair. The reasons are that they are IN PAIN and I don't want to see another woman in pain. I make no apologies for my stance.

[Taramere]

To feel completely unapologetic with regard to an action that you knew had caused pain to another, I think you'd need to either have no internal code of ethics at all - or you would need to feel very clear that your actions had been consistent with your internal code of ethics, which (you would also be clear) was a fair and balanced code.

 

Even then, I think most people will feel bad when they know their actions have caused real emotional pain - of the sort that will be hard to recover from - to another person. Such is the nature of inner conflict and morally challenging decisions. We can feel 95% sure that we've followed the correct course of action, but when we witness another person's pained response to that action there's that element of "could I have handled this better? Is there a way of easing this person's pain without compromising my principles?"

 

For somebody to announce themselves as unapologetic - as in the "unapologetic other woman" one poster touts herself as - smacks of bullsh*t. If there were no internal conflict, surely they'd just be getting on with doing their thing unapologetically without feeling the need to broadcast that they weren't apologetic about it...or put in time and effort persuading complete strangers that their position is fair, reasonable and right.

Edited February 3, 2011 by Taramere

[donnamaybe]

I wouldn't deny that I'm more sympathetic and my responses tend to go to the posters who want out of the affair. The reasons are that they are IN PAIN and I don't want to see another woman in pain. I make no apologies for my stance.

Yup. I am the same way. When someone is hurting, I feel for them and want to help them, if only to feel better for the moment while they read my thread.

 

On the other hand, for people who have the attitude of "I don't care who gets hurt as long as I get what I want," I have very little to no sympathy.

[BB07]

Yup. I am the same way. When someone is hurting, I feel for them and want to help them, if only to feel better for the moment while they read my thread.

 

On the other hand, for people who have the attitude of "I don't care who gets hurt as long as I get what I want," I have very little to no sympathy.

 

I always knew that my involvement when I was the knowing OW with xmm caused pain whether she knew it not and that was certainly made a lot clearer when her and I talked. I don't want to get into detail about it cause it would be TMI, but it was something that I will never forget and to know that I had a part in it is a heavy load to carry around.

[sally4sara]

I always knew that my involvement when I was the knowing OW with xmm caused pain whether she knew it not and that was certainly made a lot clearer when her and I talked. I don't want to get into detail about it cause it would be TMI, but it was something that I will never forget and to know that I had a part in it is a heavy load to carry around.

 

Then you'd be well qualified to speak on this. What would it have taken, or rather in what way would you have had to be different to have not felt burdened by her pain?