Unapologetic OWs - a threat?

[polksaladannie]

Another thing I wanted to add is this..I know so many husbands and wives who just give up once the ring goes on. I think if less of this happened, affais would not happen as much...

[fooled once]

I love how so many blame the BS for her husband straying. I guess if he ends the affair and goes back home, will you accept all the responsibility for his decision?

 

The way your MM, the man who said vows to his wife infront of their family and friends, treats his wife, mother of his children is disguisting and disrespectful. You are UOW, fine, good that you're happy... but please, don't put his wife down like that and blame her for HIS choice to cheat. You aren't privvy to what goes on behind closed doors in their house, you only know what he's told you. If he told her "I've met someone else and I am going to have an affair unless you start paying more attention to me" and then she chose to ignore him, then fine, I can totally see your point, but I seriously doubt that happened.

 

agree.

 

and what is the MM doing to make his wife feel good? Does he surprise her with flowers? Does he offer to take her out to dinner for a date weekly?

 

Sounds like he has zero respect for her - especially since he went out and found someone else to spend time with.

 

Believe it or not, but the initial butterfly feelings tend to fade after years of marriage. Doesn't mean a person should stop trying to impress or look good. I wonder what HE does for HIS WIFE? As for her weight, that was really a crude thing to say - and shallow - you have no idea if her weight is due to a medical condition or medications she takes. So before you continue to throw stones at her, remember there are 2 sides to every story and you aren't in their home.

 

Since in your mind she is so yucky, why does he stay? If he is unhappy and all that, why does he stay with her? For the kids, right?

[polksaladannie]

Okay, I get that.. But still, to blame his wife for his cheating ways isn't right.

 

There are atleast 2 OW on here who recently are fOW, shared their stories, their MM had another OW on the side and neither of them knew about it. Just be careful, because (and never say never) one day you could find out your MM has another OW and could blame YOU for him going out and seeking another affair because you weren't enough for him. How would you feel? I'm just sayin'..

Oh I know what you are saying and I can tell you for sure between me and his marriage, he barely has enough time to take a piss let alone add a third person to the mix. But whatev.

[bentnotbroken]

I am an uOW because I feel that, in my case, if BS put forth a little effort, MM would not be straying.

 

I am a working single mother and I give MM my time, love and encouragement. I try to look my best for him as well. BS could be doing this too, but elects not to. So she gets no sympathy from me. Sorry.

 

BS is a SAHM(nothing wrong with that but there is a huge different between hanging out at home with the kid vs punching a time clock day in and day out) who weighs about 300lbs and has no life. The other day MM told me that he listed his mother as a "person to contact in case of emergency" because BS would not be able to handle it if anything happened to him. To me, that is just sad.

 

Still, I do not try to sway MM's opinion. I keep my observations to myself.

 

 

I am sure no one wants your sympathy. You are right it is a huge difference in being a SAHM and punching a clock. A SAHM is on duty 24/7. Doesn't make it better just different. Punching a clock doesn't make you better, just different. Since his wife is being held responsible for his straying I guess you are at fault because he is still with his wife. You must not be doing something right for him not to want to RUN out of that house with that awful woman to be with you full time. Now to me, that is just sad.

[whichwayisup]

Oh I know what you are saying and I can tell you for sure between me and his marriage, he barely has enough time to take a piss let alone add a third person to the mix. But whatev.

 

That's exactly what one of the former OW said.. Sorry.

[polksaladannie]

agree.

 

and what is the MM doing to make his wife feel good? Does he surprise her with flowers? Does he offer to take her out to dinner for a date weekly?

 

Sounds like he has zero respect for her - especially since he went out and found someone else to spend time with.

 

Believe it or not, but the initial butterfly feelings tend to fade after years of marriage. Doesn't mean a person should stop trying to impress or look good. I wonder what HE does for HIS WIFE? As for her weight, that was really a crude thing to say - and shallow - you have no idea if her weight is due to a medical condition or medications she takes. So before you continue to throw stones at her, remember there are 2 sides to every story and you aren't in their home.

 

Since in your mind she is so yucky, why does he stay? If he is unhappy and all that, why does he stay with her? For the kids, right?

 

He does nice things for her. Hell, I have even suggested a few nice things for him to do. He stays because he feels sorry for her (exact quote). She does not come across as someone who could easily find another relationship and he knows this.

Pointing out that she weighs a lot is just me being honest. And most men do not find extremely overweight women to be attractive. He doesn't. I work in the medical field and I can assure you that most obese people are that way because they eat too much and get too little exercise. And she is part of this group.

[polksaladannie]

That's exactly what one of the former OW said.. Sorry.

Ok. You win;)

[bentnotbroken]

Believe me, in my situation, I know of what I speak. I am not saying that I am a perfect person. God, no. But what I do is try. Anyone can put forth effort.

 

 

God and try to be a good person as an OW...interesting. You know a fraction of their lives unless you are standing between them when every thing is said and done.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing I wanted to add is this..I know so many husbands and wives who just give up once the ring goes on. I think if less of this happened, affais would not happen as much...

 

I completely agree, both are responsible for keeping the marriage fresh, passionate and keep eachother connected. A marriage is continual work, stop working and putting in effort, it gets stale. And with that said, doesn't justify a spouse going outside of their marriage. Communication, marriage counselling, separating or even divorce is a healthier thing to do rather than stay and quietly cheat, reep the benefits of still staying married.

[whichwayisup]

Ok. You win;)

 

Nah, this isn't about winning, it's just don't put all your eggs in one basket and believe every single word out of his mouth is true. That's all. I hope he isn't doing that to you.

[polksaladannie]

I completely agree, both are responsible for keeping the marriage fresh, passionate and keep eachother connected. A marriage is continual work, stop working and putting in effort, it gets stale. And with that said, doesn't justify a spouse going outside of their marriage. Communication, marriage counselling, separating or even divorce is a healthier thing to do rather than stay and quietly cheat, reep the benefits of still staying married.

 

But you know what? I think a lot of women would rather have the husbands cheat. I do. With divorce comes possible loss of home, income, custody et al. In fact I feel that most BS know about the affairs deep down and turn the other way.

[whichwayisup]

He stays because he feels sorry for her (exact quote). She does not come across as someone who could easily find another relationship and he knows this.

Ouch. He certainly has a very low opinion of his wife if he truly feels this way (again, do you think he'd ever admit to you that he does love her, has sex with her still? Or is it just easier for him to "omit" certain things and put his wife down, that he feels sorry for her) then he owes her the truth and he should leave. IF he really feels that way.. Trust me, when people are pushed too far, they somehow get the strength. She is probably alot stronger than he realizes. Doesn't matter if she does or doesn't find someone else, that's not a reason for him to stay. Sounds like he is giving YOU excuses as to why he won't leave her to be with you..And to me, those are red flags. don't get your hopes up that he will leave.

[whichwayisup]

But you know what? I think a lot of women would rather have the husbands cheat. I do. With divorce comes possible loss of home, income, custody et al. In fact I feel that most BS know about the affairs deep down and turn the other way.

 

Agree to disagree here.

 

If that was the true case, why not just discuss an open marriage? Even more so if the BS knows he/she is cheating? Just a thought!

[bentnotbroken]

Agree to disagree here.

 

If that was the true case, why not just discuss an open marriage? Even more so if the BS knows he/she is cheating? Just a thought!

 

 

Bingo! I doubt those who have dealt with STD's, not so stable OW and gas lighting would want a cheating spouse either (male or female).

[fooled once]

But you know what? I think a lot of women would rather have the husbands cheat. I do. With divorce comes possible loss of home, income, custody et al. In fact I feel that most BS know about the affairs deep down and turn the other way.

 

Sorry, I am not one of those women who would rather my husband cheat. And when I divorced my first husband (and there was no infidelity in that marriage), I knew how my life would change.

 

Many times, women come out of divorce better than men - especially a woman who is a SAHM - she gets alimony and child support

 

I am betting you have never been married or else you wouldn't feel as if most women want their husbands to cheat.

 

And of course most BS's know about the affairs their cheating husbands have

 

I have yet to meet a SINGLE married woman who wanted her husband to cheat on her. I have met TONS of married woman who divorced and are much happier without the dead weight their former husbands were. Believe it or not, many women are quite strong and don't NEED a man.

Edited February 7, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PeachyPink]

Another thing I wanted to add is this..I know so many husbands and wives who just give up once the ring goes on. I think if less of this happened, affais would not happen as much...

Hi Polksaladannie,

You chose an interesting name! Did you know that polk salad is poisonous unless prepared properly? You must have.

 

Your thoughts are interesting, but they do not address the topic of the thread. Do you think that you are a threat to the BS in your love triangle, or do you feel she is a threat to you?

[OWoman]

It is obvious to me (and several others) that some other women come here to gloat, to egg on each other, to stir the pot and to generally belittle others that don't agree that Affairs are the way to go. Some OW believe that they have all the power and they have no problem with hurting innocent people (spouses and children). They take offense if anyone tells a hurting OW to get out, to not waste any more time on a cake eater and to not listen to those who didn't "win" the cheater. They like to scream it that they won the guy, so for those that gave up on the MM after months/years of waiting, obviously didn't love the MM the way they loved their mm.

 

As has so often been pointed out on this forum, "only one or two OW have ended up with their MMs". I'm assuming by the bolded bit that you're referring to OWs who have - though I can't recall ever seeing a fOW "screaming" that they "won the guy", so perhaps you can clarify if the group you're meaning are the those like OE, GEL, myself and anyone else you'd care to name who is now M to their fMM.

 

If so, I'd be grateful if you can point to even a single post belonging to any of us where any of the other things you accuse these mystery posters of doing can be seen. I can personally vouch that I have never done any of these things that these mystery posters stand accused of - and I certainly don't recall GEL or OE or any of the other fOWs now M to their MMs posting in this fashion either. Please provide the evidence for this sweeping and inflammatory claim.

 

You would think if these women were so happy in their affair that they wouldn't care what others think NOR would they start making labels for them...but it seems as if the opposite is true. They are what I would call bullies. They want to discredit anyone who isn't in agreement with them.

 

And I agree with jthorne - these types of posts are taking away from other posts from other people with questions or struggling. So I am done with this post and will instead of participating any further in the back and forth crud, I will go see if I can give advise to someone who is struggling.

 

You can call anyone you like a bully, but that does not make it so. Setting up strawman arguments making claims about "certain posters" in a way that implies but stops short of naming them, with absolutely no evidence to back up your toxic claims, does not make your claims valid. You may disagree with certain posters, or may feel threatened or outsmarted by them, or may feel that you dislike their values and morals, but describing a fake universe and attributing it to them will not make them into the demons you would like them to be portrayed as.

[Summer Breeze]

Holy cow-I got to page 10 or 11 or something and felt like I should go back to the beginning to take notes.

 

Off the cuff:

 

I was a BS (still haven't figured out just what a BBS is) and I never had any feelings about the OW in my situation at all. My H cheated and she was of no consequence.

 

Years later I was an OW and I felt the same. My MM was cheating on his W and I was of no consequence. It's the act of cheating that needs the apology. My H and xMM were the people who broke down the vows and had As. I could have been 10 ONS in a year, I could have been a lap dancer, I could have been a hooker. In my eyes any of those things is equivalent to an A and there is not 1 person who you can blame except the WS.

 

Ok. That's my view on how I don't feel the OP carries the blame of the A. Now to throw out my humble views on what I think an unapologetic OW is. I was one and it had nothing to do with the BS or my moral code or anything. I met a wonderful man and fell in love. I made a choice to carry on a relationship with him. As with something I think OWoman wrote we hid nothing because of location to his W. I would have hid nothing anyway. I dated others and I ended it when he wasn't able to offer me what I wanted. Very much like other men who might work too much etc. Before I ended things there were multiple ddays. I always told him I would talk to her honestly if she contacted me and I did. Every time. She chose what she wanted to do and so did I. She asked me if I was going to chase her H and I said no but he'll come to me and I won't refuse him. She asked if I'd tell her about it and I asked her why I should. She knows the truth now and doing nothing about it. If I told her would she believe me or him. She told me she'd believe him so I told her that's why I wouldn't tell her about it. She told me to take pictures and get proof. I told her to get out of a M that she was asking an OW to help control.

 

She was a lovely lady and he loved her but according to them both it was done and they were going through the motions and it was due to age and standing in the family and community that they were staying together (and an ill child was used as an excuse but with the particular illness it isn't life threatening and doesnt mean they could separate and share the responsibility).

 

So me, I was unapologetic. I hid nothing and I was in love. I didn't chase him and I didn't let my life revolve around him. When he made the choice to walk away I let him and never chased him. When I walked away I did it for good. To me it's not a matter of being better than her or being like her or different from her. I wasn't a 'threat' to her but the feelings he had were a threat to the M. It's been several years and he still contacts me. I tell him to get a lawyer and when he's moved out and done that to call. I firmly believe that one day he will. Maybe he won't. No one really knows. I still love him and I miss him every day but life goes on.

 

I don't see being unapologetic as being a bad thing. We hurt. We cry. We date. We laugh. We have kids and careers. We love someone we can't have and when it's too much we move on. I'll never apologize for being in love. If I were married and in love with someone outside my M I'd handle it a lot differently but I wasn't.

 

I'm a Republican and when I find myself in a room full of Democrats I may be in a minority and I may cross lines they don't like but I won't apologize for it. It doesn't mean that because I don't like seeing a welfare state I don't have compassion for the folks on welfare who might lose it. I know that's not a great analogy but hopefully you get my drift. Because I'm unapologetic it doesn't mean I hate someone or wish any bad on anyone.

 

Next:

 

The name calling and vitriol on this forum is way over the top and if anyone on either side sits there and writes they've never seen it from their 'side' to the other then they're lying through their teeth (unless of course they're not reading many of the threads).

 

Next:

 

UOW don't really come in here for classic support. I think they tend to come here for some companionship and because sometimes they hurt. I read about BS having tough days with triggers. Man we're all the same that way. I knew I wanted out of my M when H cheated but I still hurt and hated and worried and wondered. Much like times when I was an OW and had times when it felt horrible. But I had the same when I was dating someone who made it clear his brothers came before I did. We all hurt at times. We are never 100% happy.

 

Next:

 

I think that OWomans friend is correct. I think that LT As are more of a threat than a flash in the pan. I think that the deeper the feelings the harder it is for it to disappear and if the WS is even partially absent from their responsibility in reconciling it'll eat a hole in things. Are LT OW better than a BS or a short term OW. No. No one is better or worse but the stronger the bond the more the threat to the M. In my opinion anyway.

 

Next:

 

OM and WH and MM on here. We get the calls that there should be more men on the forum. Aint gonna happen kids. Most men can't stand sitting home with anyone yaking about their feelings and how things are going. They may be feeling it but they're probably not going to jump into a vipers nest of female vipers and get their gonads sliced and diced. They're out rebuilding the mustang or getting a beer after pretending to work out at the gym.

 

There's a fallacy that As don't often lead to M. There's a fallacy that M don't have feelings because they're not in places like this talking about it. Many Ms are born from As and many men have the same feelings we do-all of us. OS, BS, WS. Just because they aren't here doesn't mean they aren't there and don't feel things. I see everyone in here trying so hard to build cases on the absence of a demographic pot or because of reporting data. We can make assumptions but we can't damn people because of who isn't here to talk about things.

 

I've droned on too much and I hope theres a little bit in there that makes a little sense.

 

At the end of the day we're here because we're humans and we crave companionship and to be part of something. It's as important to us to be in a group as it is to be individuals.

 

That's the end. I promise!

[BeachBetty]

So me, I was unapologetic. I hid nothing and I was in love. I didn't chase him and I didn't let my life revolve around him. When he made the choice to walk away I let him and never chased him. When I walked away I did it for good. To me it's not a matter of being better than her or being like her or different from her. I wasn't a 'threat' to her but the feelings he had were a threat to the M. It's been several years and he still contacts me. I tell him to get a lawyer and when he's moved out and done that to call. I firmly believe that one day he will. Maybe he won't. No one really knows. I still love him and I miss him every day but life goes on.

 

I don't see being unapologetic as being a bad thing. We hurt. We cry. We date. We laugh. We have kids and careers. We love someone we can't have and when it's too much we move on. I'll never apologize for being in love. If I were married and in love with someone outside my M I'd handle it a lot differently but I wasn't.

 

Next:

 

The name calling and vitriol on this forum is way over the top and if anyone on either side sits there and writes they've never seen it from their 'side' to the other then they're lying through their teeth (unless of course they're not reading many of the threads).

 

Next:

 

UOW don't really come in here for classic support. I think they tend to come here for some companionship and because sometimes they hurt. I read about BS having tough days with triggers. Man we're all the same that way. I knew I wanted out of my M when H cheated but I still hurt and hated and worried and wondered. Much like times when I was an OW and had times when it felt horrible. But I had the same when I was dating someone who made it clear his brothers came before I did. We all hurt at times. We are never 100% happy.

 

Next:

 

I think that OWomans friend is correct. I think that LT As are more of a threat than a flash in the pan. I think that the deeper the feelings the harder it is for it to disappear and if the WS is even partially absent from their responsibility in reconciling it'll eat a hole in things. Are LT OW better than a BS or a short term OW. No. No one is better or worse but the stronger the bond the more the threat to the M. In my opinion anyway.

 

Next:

 

OM and WH and MM on here. We get the calls that there should be more men on the forum. Aint gonna happen kids. Most men can't stand sitting home with anyone yaking about their feelings and how things are going. They may be feeling it but they're probably not going to jump into a vipers nest of female vipers and get their gonads sliced and diced. They're out rebuilding the mustang or getting a beer after pretending to work out at the gym.

 

There's a fallacy that As don't often lead to M. There's a fallacy that M don't have feelings because they're not in places like this talking about it. Many Ms are born from As and many men have the same feelings we do-all of us. OS, BS, WS. Just because they aren't here doesn't mean they aren't there and don't feel things. I see everyone in here trying so hard to build cases on the absence of a demographic pot or because of reporting data. We can make assumptions but we can't damn people because of who isn't here to talk about things.

 

I've droned on too much and I hope theres a little bit in there that makes a little sense.

 

At the end of the day we're here because we're humans and we crave companionship and to be part of something. It's as important to us to be in a group as it is to be individuals.

 

That's the end. I promise!

 

I think your post is spot on!

[pureinheart]

Wow, Summer really good post!

[OWoman]

EXCELLENT question! If we could answer that, then maybe we could answer why when one of them leaves the OW club, say when they take a better course of action for them and leave the A, they get bashed like they are some kind of traitor. As if losing one of the Club is a threat to them.

 

Like thomas said, sounds to me like they are just a threat to themselves.

 

I, on the other hand, am posing a threat to myself in not getting my work done. So I leave the rest of you to it.

 

So you've seen it as well. I KNEW I wasn't losing my mind. Yet.

 

Two colluding witnesses making similar claims doesn't constitute evidence in a court of law, unless one (or both) can actually produce something more tangible to back up their claims.

 

I could claim to have seen pink elephants dancing on LS, and another poster could claim to have seen the same, but few rational posters would believe the claims without something beyond our claims - especially if we happened to be two posters who usually agreed with everything the other said...

[donnamaybe]

Good post, M.

[OWoman]

its easy to put forth alot of effort with a new relationship. its much harder as time goes by. other priorities tend to take over, like parenting. marriage isn't easy, and its insulting for someone who doesn't have that baggage with MM to criticize the wife that does.

 

I guess that kind of attitude is what separates those whose Rs go "bad" from those whose Rs stay "good"....

 

Personally, I could not disagree with the bolded statement more. I love my H as much as I ever did - even more - as time goes by. I find putting effort in easier, not harder - and because we've both had previous Ms we both know how lucky we are to have each other, and so that keeps us focused on what's really important. We make our priorities - they're not things that happen to us. Priorities are what you choose them to be. If you choose your M not to be top of your list, you have only yourself to blame if it falls apart.

[OWoman]

I think that is the whole reason this thread was started, and not really to find genuine answers.

 

This is pure projection.

 

Some posters have made very interesting and useful contributions on this thread. But it's difficult to find them in amongst all the hating.

[LifesontheUp]

There is a new forum set up for OW, by invitation only, established by a trio of LS current and former posters. Most members are using the same user names as they use on LS.

 

It seem they now have their safe place to post, where membership is controlled by themselves with no BS or ROW allowed.

 

Yes, quite funny to see posts such as:

"Those people are so stupid there. I like to piss them off"

 

Perhaps a thread about the OW being threatened by the BS would be good. After all, they really are saying how much they hate certain posters on here.

 

No doubt this post will be reported in order to get this hidden from regular posters. But having read some of their posts, I can now fully understand where the poison has been coming from on this board.