Playing games & getting scared

[dolphinsunshyn]

I know I'll never understand the mind of a man, but why do they have to be soooo confusing???

 

Here is my situation:

 

I met a guy a few months ago. Everything was going "perfectly". We seemed to agree on taking the relationship slowly and just going with the flow of things. He is in the process of a divorce. I have been divorced for over two years and remember what it was like, so I encouraged him to do his own thing and to even date others, ect. Everything was great.

 

About a month ago, he started sending me mixed signals. From one day to the next, things would change. He would go days without e-mailing or calling. Sometimes he would e-mail or call me a couple of times a day. Even the way he signed his e-mails was inconsistant. One day he would sign it "lots of love" and xoxxo, but the next it would just say "see ya later". Obviously, this started to cause some confusion for me. There were a couple of times when I tried to back off because it was obvious that he was getting confused, but he would convice me that he cares about me and didn't want to loose what we had, ect. and make the excuse that he just had a lot going on.

 

After my frustration began to mount over a few weeks, I finally asked him if maybe he was interested in someone else or if I did something wrong to cause his ambivilance. He said no and just wanted to continue to go with the flow. However, things weren't flowing at all with us at that point. It has been several weeks since we had been out on a date. I still wasn't convinced everything was "fine". He finally told me that he just wanted to be friends. I know I shouldn't have questioned things, but this really confused me.

 

Being shocked by this, I asked what happened to make him want to be just friends. I finally got out of him that he had fallen in love with me and got scared by that. He admitted that things were "perfect' between us and that he didn't trust himself because he still wanted to date other women. He proceed to say that this is something he just has to do before he could ever be with anyone again.

 

What I don't understand is that I encouranged him dating others from the start. So why is he still backing off if he knows I wouldn't mind? I can't understand if thing were going so perfect and we both agreed to not get serious, why he didn't want to date me anymore? Especially since he says he is in love with me. I never pressured him and was happy keeping things casual.

 

Can anyone shed some insight? Is this a "test" or a "game" that he is playing?How should I handle this now?

[guest]

Is sounds as if this guy just doesnt know what he wants. If you willing to wait thats about all you can do. If not then move on. I wouldnt push him anymore on the issue. Try dating others and letting him know that your not going to put up with his indecisiveness. maybe hell get jealous and want you back.

[Ferret917]

I hate to tell ya this darling but this man prolly just lost interest. He might be to chicken to say so he is giving excuses so your feelings arn't hurt. Leave him and find someone else to go out with. You seem to be good looking from your picture. You shouldn't have any trouble finding someone. There are lotta other fish in the sea.

[dolphinsunshyn]

I thought about trying to make him jealous, but really I'm done with playing games like that. I'm hoping he'll come around. I guess he just need some time. Who knows? I hope he hasn't lost interest as ferret917 suggested.

 

By the way, Ferret, thanks for the compliment. I could use that now. I've been pretty down in the dumps since this has happened.

[moimeme]

It sounds like some of our posters who feel one way but think they should behave another way. I could be wrong but it's a possible. He could also be afraid that you were just a rebound. I don't know what you can really do about it. He may well find that nobody else compares to you but whether or not you want to hang around and wait until he figures it out...

[dolphinsunshyn]

I know I need to give him space until he gets things straight, but I have a present for him that I have been holding on to for a few weeeks until I was able to see him again. Since it doesn't look like that is going to happen now, what should I do? I can't take it back to the store. Should I send it to him? If so, what should I say. I don't want him to think I'm trying to win him back or anything; but, I want him to be able to have it. Any ideas?

[dolphinsunshyn]

bumpity, bump, bump....

 

 

Sorry I hate doing that. But I'm still looking for some advice.

 

Especially from the guys. I'm trying to understand how your mind works! LOL

[Heartfelt]

It sounds like you are falling for this guy but he isn't falling for you. If he was, you would know. Im a guy (and in love with someone I can't have). I'm not going to speak for every guy, but here is what goes through my head Signs that the guy is falling for you:

 

Wants to talk to you every day;

see you every day/every 1 to 2 days

 

The girl I'm in love with; when I'm around her, I always want to touch her, whether its holding hands, hand on her knee, running my fingers up and down the back of her neck or through her hair, it doesn't matter, I just have to touch her. She loves it too, but I try not to over do it

 

Sex is not that important; holding her and kissing her satisfies just as much if not more. (but of course, sex is a plus, especially when its good)

 

The eyes. I can hardly take my eyes off of her when she's around me.

 

Missing her when she's not around and telling each other that when you do talk.

 

 

 

If he's not showing you at least a few of these signs, save yourself some future heartache and move on. You're a very pretty woman and seem to have a good heart. Go with your gut. If you feel you aren't getting what you deserve in return for what you have put into it, why waste anymore time?

[dolphinsunshyn]

Heartfelt: Thanks for the advice. I know he was falling for me. All those things you listed were true for the first couple of months. He got scared and confused. I know he has it in his mind that he just isn't ready to jump into another relationship after his divorce.

 

All I got from him, is that he was/is in love with me, but he doesn't trust himself. Maybe he scared of getting hurt or hurting me? Maybe he does see a future with us, but wants to back off while he gets his head back together so he doesn't ruin any future we may have when he is ready? I don't know. I know that he is not ready for love and doesn't know what to do with it now that it came.

 

I have started the "no contact" process with him. I sent him a very nice e-mail saying I was going to give him some time. I told him that I still care and that I hope he finds whatever it is that he is looking for. I left to door a little open so if he ever did feel like contacting me, he would be comfortable doing so. I think this was probably my best move at this point; although, it saddens me that we are not going to remain friends.

 

Thanks again. I hope everything works out for you and your situation! You're a sweetheart!

[De Rossi]

Hello,

This will be my first time to use this so I hope i do this right. I am writing in response to your situation. I am in a similar situation myself and it is not fun at all. I feel your pain. My dad has always said that, "love is a mad dog from hell" quoting the poet Charles bukouski and it is so true. My friends and family don't understand why I'm am so hung up on this guy and even I don't know why I cant get over him. However I try and try and I cant change my feelings. sometimes i think that I'm crazy and i know better.

 

just like your situation there was a brief period where he expressed his feeling for me and i was convinced that the connection was mutual. then he told me he was scared and gave me the cold shoulder. just two days ago i pored my heart out to him just to get it off my back. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. He said that he always pushed away things that were good in his life and he was glad that i had shared my feelings that it made him think. any way the next day he came over to tell me that even though he had feelings for me all he could offer me was his friendship. he said he was scared of getting hurt and hurting someone.

 

I've been thinking a lot about all this and think that he just does not love me. i think if he did he would have to take a chance because when you love someone they consume you. you always think about them and call them and want to be with them. love is something natural and happens naturally, its not forced. Love is crazy too because who knows how long it will take for me to get over him but i bet as soon as i do he will have finally started to love me. I just wish i could get inside of his head and really know if there was something there or not. but i cant and any one else might say its obvious. Who knows. but for now i just have to focus on the fact that its not going to happen. It will happen one day maybe not with him but with someone. sincerely, Becca

[lady104]

Originally posted by dolphinsunshyn

but I have a present for him that I have been holding on to for a few weeeks

 

Lol

I had a present to give to my ex for our monthly day we met kinda thing. We split up before I could give it to him. Can't return to the store. £25! Damn

[reasontosigh]

Welcome to LS.

 

....He said that he always pushed away things that were good in his life ....

 

I also know someone like this. There is really nothing I can do except hope that he knows I am always there for him if needed. I think he does, though, and can find some comfort in that thought.

 

....because when you love someone they consume you....

 

A lot of guys are indeed afraid of being "consumed", especially if the one in question is older and has been through the wringer more than once. Or simply prizes independence as the highest of virtues. It's nothing against you - I tend to think of it as "the nature of the beast".

 

.....even though he had feelings for me all he could offer me was his friendship. he said he was scared of getting hurt and hurting someone....

 

Although you are hurting badly now, it was better that he tell you this sooner rather than later. It would have been far more devastating for you if you had invested more of yourself only to find down the road it was not going to work out.

 

It will happen one day maybe not with him but with someone.

 

Keep the faith, and I have no doubt that indeed it will! Meanwhile, feel free to come again and share your thoughts along the way as so many of us are now!

[dolphinsunshyn]

Originally posted by lady104

Lol

I had a present to give to my ex for our monthly day we met kinda thing. We split up before I could give it to him. Can't return to the store. £25! Damn

 

Yeah...I went ahead and sent it to him anyway. He never even e-mailed me to say he got it or thanked me for it. That is what told me he wasn't the person I though he was. Scared or not, it is about common courtesy.

 

Anyway, I'm glad. That situation was a huge step in me moving on. Since then, I met someone WONDERFUL. He is literally is the NICEST guy I have ever met. He treats me so good!

 

I probably never would have given him a chance if it wasn't my fellow LSers who talked me into it!

[reasontosigh]

Anyway, I'm glad. That situation was a huge step in me moving on. Since then, I met someone WONDERFUL. He is literally is the NICEST guy I have ever met. He treats me so good!

 

Hooray!!!!!!

[De Rossi]

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing someone now that treats you great. that is what it's all about. I read a great quote the other day and i cant remember who wrote it but it said something like, if you spent to much time staring at the door that is closed, you will never see that others have opened. Why spend time trying to gain the love of someone that does not treat you right or love you. Maybe like you, I will be able to move on now. I thought that maybe there was some issue within my self that i go for these type of guys that I know aren't interested. Maybe i myself am scared of getting hurt. Who knows? I do know that i want to be loved and adored just like i love and adore someone.

[dolphinsunshyn]

Originally posted by De Rossi

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing someone now that treats you great. that is what it's all about. I read a great quote the other day and i cant remember who wrote it but it said something like, if you spent to much time staring at the door that is closed, you will never see that others have opened. Why spend time trying to gain the love of someone that does not treat you right or love you. Maybe like you, I will be able to move on now. I thought that maybe there was some issue within my self that i go for these type of guys that I know aren't interested. Maybe i myself am scared of getting hurt. Who knows? I do know that i want to be loved and adored just like i love and adore someone.

 

What a great quote!

 

I know it hard to move on. Sometimes it take a really a**h*** move on his part (that ends up hurting you) to make you realize that he is not worth the effort. It still amazes me, however, how some guys can go from being the nicest and sweetestest gentleman to (without reason) being completely cold and uncaring. It can happen overnight and you are let thinking WTF???

 

I think we are a lot alike in the relationship aspect. I, too, thought it was something within myself. But, I realized that I kept navigating towards guys that were not emotionally available. Most were not wanting a relationship or had just gotten out of one. Maybe I found it to be a challenge and they were the prize. Who knows? But, as you said, I kept telling myself the same thing. I just want someone to adore and love me the same as I do to them. I don't know how many times I said that! Although it never appeared that way on the surface, I think I was trying too hard internally. My emotions never matched my actions. On the outside I was this confident party girl who could care less about finding the "right one" (or so I told the guys that I dated) but, on the inside I really wanted to find my true love. But I was scared of getting hurt. It caused a LOT of conflict. Finally, I planned to give up on dating all together. That is when I met the most amazing guy ever.

 

He wants a relationship and adores me. I'm still thinking he is "too good to be true", but I'm just going with it. I'm currently 7 month pregnant. He doesn't care that I'm a less that "perfect" catch now. He doesn't care about the 25 pd. weight gain. He doesn't mind that I can't be a "sex godess" in the bedroom. He buys me flowers for no reason, opens doors for me, calls everyday, tells me I'm beautiful (even though I'm feeling self-conscience about the pregnancy), and shows me endless amounts of attention in public. I REALLY was conviced that ALL of the guys like that were taken or gay. LOL

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. I think you can get over this guy. They always say that the right one will come along when you least expect it. Just try to think about the crap he is putting you through and know that you deserve better. It has been a long path for me. I have been single for two years and dealing with all of the BS of dating. I hope I'm finally on the right path that will lead to something great. I know what you are going through and I hope you find what you are looking for. Best wishes!