IS it WORK RELATED?

[2themoon&back]

Not long ago, someone said something like this, I don’t remember just how it was worded but I will try to get the jest of it…

 

….my man would never fool around on me because we are always together except when he is at work…..

 

My A, started at work and xMM’s W said the very same thing and it took someone pointing that out to her that she was not with him at work….duh

 

And it made me wonder how many A’s start at work or with co-workers?

 

I think a lot of them do, not all but a lot.

 

I wonder why as well, I did not work at a sexy cool place, where I got to wear really cute clingy outfits or anything so why work?

 

Just wondering where your A started? and if at work...why?

[desertIslandCactus]

I'm just chiming in because of my reading on here.

 

(My ER began when he contacted me thru classmates.com)

 

I have seen relationships develop on the worksite and also with reading on LS. It would appear that since one spends so much of their life on the job, it is reasonable that one will attach themselves emotionally to a fellow worker.

 

It most likely begins as a friendship but may develop into much more.

 

I do pity the employer with all the mating going on, and most likely it does interfere with productivity..

 

Also important is - if an affair is started on the job, when the affair ends - one is stuck with a lot of grief, avoidance and/or expectation and with embarrassment on a day to day basis.

 

Not a good thing to start a relationship at work, especially with one who is already in a committed relationship, and I too have noticed by reading - that this is how many affairs begin.

[2themoon&back]

I'm just chiming in because of my reading on here.

 

(My ER began when he contacted me thru classmates.com)

 

I have seen relationships develop on the worksite and also with reading on LS. It would appear that since one spends so much of their life on the job, it is reasonable that one will attach themselves emotionally to a fellow worker.

 

It most likely begins as a friendship but may develop into much more.

 

I do pity the employer with all the mating going on, and most likely it does interfere with productivity..

 

Also important is - if an affair is started on the job, when the affair ends - one is stuck with a lot of grief, avoidance and/or expectation and with embarrassment on a day to day basis.

 

Not a good thing to start a relationship at work, especially with one who is already in a committed relationship, and I too have noticed by reading - that this is how many affairs begin.

 

Well now it is time for me to go to bed haha you just summed up my whole life in one post !

 

and you are sooo right thanks for your post !!

[pureinheart]

(((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))

 

Mine started at work and from what I have read on LS many others have also.

 

A's were very common where I worked. It was a male dominated industry and 90% of the males hit on me, 80% were MM.

 

The attire ranged anywhere from very formal office wear to very casual...management had a dress code. I wore clean room attire at times, that was not in any way flattering. Being involved mostly with research and development I dressed "up" for the work, but was able to wear lab coats to protect my clothing.

 

Moon, I would venture to say that at least half, if not more originate at work...

 

Desert, I have to say that the EMA's caused very few, if any problems...in fact attendance was better, also productivity at least where I worked.

 

Any R can be hard as far as parting ways, although for me, dated a couple of guys at work and just stayed away from them if we broke up...in fact I found that because my friends at work were so familiar with the guys I went with, it made it easier because I had a lot of support and did not have to get them up to speed with my R.

 

Even with all of the stuff that went on in the workplace, everyone remained very professional when it came to the job.

[OWoman]

Not long ago, someone said something like this, I don’t remember just how it was worded but I will try to get the jest of it…

 

….my man would never fool around on me because we are always together except when he is at work…..

 

My A, started at work and xMM’s W said the very same thing and it took someone pointing that out to her that she was not with him at work….duh

 

And it made me wonder how many A’s start at work or with co-workers?

 

I think a lot of them do, not all but a lot.

 

I wonder why as well, I did not work at a sexy cool place, where I got to wear really cute clingy outfits or anything so why work?

 

Just wondering where your A started? and if at work...why?

 

Most of mine were "work related" but not in the sense of being colleagues. That would have offended my neat compartmentalisation.

 

But typically they would be people I'd meet at conferences or workshops, and would then go away and research before deciding whether or not my initial interest was worth pursuing.

[greengoddess]

What amazes me is that women accept "the work affair". It's so obvious the wife and family come first when the only time the married man will communicate with their mistress is during work hours.Drive in to work drive home from work etc. Why would you accept that? Then the ow says oh well his wife has to know? How would his wife know when she trusts him and he is only playing around at work or work hours. It's all so ridiculous.

 

Yes, I think many affairs begin in the workplace because when these men are not at work they are too busy with their family to be out messing around. They are also to chicken of being caught to do much more than playing during work hours.

 

Of course, the work excpetion is always the disgusting serial cheaters who peruse craigslist and adult friend finder and such. YUCK!

 

Oh almost forgot and then you have the old facebook/old love affairs that spend even less time together than the work affairs but it is true love for them in the few hours they have.

[OWoman]

And then you have the bitter who have never experienced the range of possibilities within an A but choose to stick to their own caricatured view so that they can sleep better at night, without having to wonder who is causing that smile on their sleeping H's face....

[greengoddess]

And then you have the bitter who have never experienced the range of possibilities within an A but choose to stick to their own caricatured view so that they can sleep better at night, without having to wonder who is causing that smile on their sleeping H's face....

 

What does this possibly have to add to this conversation except to try to insult and hurt some unknown woman who is worried about their husbands behavior? Seriously what was the purpose of this post? It's so odd coming from YOU a married woman. Odd very odd. You are married now and still it seems you just want to twist that knife a little more to Bs's. Why is that?

Edited February 1, 2011 by greengoddess

[OWoman]

What does this possibly have to add to this conversation except to try to insult and hurt some unknown woman who is worried about their husbands behavior? Seriously what was the purpose of this post? It's so odd coming from YOU a married woman. Odd very odd.

 

It adds at least as much to the conversation as the post which preceeded it which aimed to insult and hurt some other women. And was equally on topic.

 

Why should it be odd for a married woman to realise that all kinds of As exist, and that complacency about them does not inoculate her M against the possibility of them?

[Quiet Storm]

It was a male dominated industry and 90% of the males hit on me, 80% were MM.

 

 

It's not about your outfit or wearing clingy clothes.

 

It's the fact that you are a woman. Plain and simple. You are physically near them and you have a hole.

 

I work in the corporate world and whenever I visit somewhere new or enter a different office, I am bombarded with flirty, talkative men. I am faithful to my husband, so I limit the conversation to short, uninterested responses. They learn from my body language that I am not interested, and move on to their next prospect.

 

They focus their efforts on the women that give off "available" vibes. The ones that respond to their attention. It's not about their outfit, their looks or their shining personality. Hookups and affairs happen at work simply because some women say YES, while others say NO. These men cast many lines, and pursue the ones that bite.

 

Then they compare notes with their male coworkers.

 

If you hook up with a married guy, this lowers your status to "office slut" in your workplace community. Married guys will be all over you because they feel that they have good odds of hooking up with you. The word is out that you have low standards and expectations.

 

As for the single men in the office, you will be pursued for hookups, but not serious relationships. Often times, once a man knows that you were willing to sleep with a married guy, he moves you out of the "wife material" category into "f%$k buddy" category.

 

If you want to be taken seriously, and not thought of as a piece of meat, you should refrain from engaging in multiple workplace relationships.

Edited February 1, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[TinaniT]

We met on a group training ride. We were friends for a while before it became more. For a long time we talked about everything but not home lives because these guys just did NOT talk about wives and kids and non-triathlon activities. (Big difference between the women I train with and the men!)

 

 

I have had guys when I worked that hit on me. It usually was too clearly the goal and I never have trusted guys that flirt so easily and readily because I assume it's nothing special about me that prompts the pursuit. Though perhaps I missed on some good guys and ended with jerks along that way for that reason; who knows. Doesn't really matter now.

[woinlove]

It's not about your outfit or wearing clingy clothes.

 

It's the fact that you are a woman. Plain and simple. You are physically near them and you have a hole.

 

I work in the corporate world and whenever I visit somewhere new or enter a different office, I am bombarded with flirty, talkative men. I am faithful to my husband, so I limit the conversation to short, uninterested responses. They learn from my body language that I am not interested, and move on to their next prospect.

 

They focus their efforts on the women that give off "available" vibes. The ones that respond to their attention. It's not about their outfit, their looks or their shining personality. Hookups and affairs happen at work simply because some women say YES, while others say NO. These men cast many lines, and pursue the ones that bite.

 

Then they compare notes with their male coworkers.

 

If you hook up with a married guy, this lowers your status to "office slut" in your workplace community. Married guys will be all over you because they feel that they have good odds of hooking up with you. The word is out that you have low standards and expectations.

 

As for the single men in the office, you will be pursued for hookups, but not serious relationships. Often times, once a man knows that you were willing to sleep with a married guy, he moves you out of the "wife material" category into "f%$k buddy" category.

 

If you want to be taken seriously, and not thought of as a piece of meat, you should refrain from engaging in multiple workplace relationships.

 

This post is pretty blunt and I think the use of terms like slut are not useful.

Nevertheless, the key message, that many men in a male dominated work environment, will check out essentially all women and figure out which ones are open to what they have to give - such as whether you'd get involved with a married man - is true. That is my experience and I found that it is pretty easy to adopt a professional demeanour which says you are not interested. Even then, a few clueless men will pursue, but the numbers drop by a HUGE factor, compared to giving off a more open signal.

[donnamaybe]

….my man would never fool around on me because we are always together except when he is at work…..

Well, that would be pretty ignorant to think that's the only reason that a guy wouldn't cheat.

 

I know mine wouldn't cheat, but it has nothing to do with our proximity to each other.

[donnamaybe]

It's not about your outfit or wearing clingy clothes.

 

It's the fact that you are a woman. Plain and simple. You are physically near them and you have a hole.

 

I work in the corporate world and whenever I visit somewhere new or enter a different office, I am bombarded with flirty, talkative men. I am faithful to my husband, so I limit the conversation to short, uninterested responses. They learn from my body language that I am not interested, and move on to their next prospect.

 

They focus their efforts on the women that give off "available" vibes. The ones that respond to their attention. It's not about their outfit, their looks or their shining personality. Hookups and affairs happen at work simply because some women say YES, while others say NO. These men cast many lines, and pursue the ones that bite.

 

Then they compare notes with their male coworkers.

 

If you hook up with a married guy, this lowers your status to "office slut" in your workplace community. Married guys will be all over you because they feel that they have good odds of hooking up with you. The word is out that you have low standards and expectations.

 

As for the single men in the office, you will be pursued for hookups, but not serious relationships. Often times, once a man knows that you were willing to sleep with a married guy, he moves you out of the "wife material" category into "f%$k buddy" category.

 

If you want to be taken seriously, and not thought of as a piece of meat, you should refrain from engaging in multiple workplace relationships.

All very valid points. Good post.

[2themoon&back]

What amazes me is that women accept "the work affair". It's so obvious the wife and family come first when the only time the married man will communicate with their mistress is during work hours.Drive in to work drive home from work etc. Why would you accept that? Then the ow says oh well his wife has to know? How would his wife know when she trusts him and he is only playing around at work or work hours. It's all so ridiculous.

 

Yes, I think many affairs begin in the workplace because when these men are not at work they are too busy with their family to be out messing around. They are also to chicken of being caught to do much more than playing during work hours.

 

Of course, the work excpetion is always the disgusting serial cheaters who peruse craigslist and adult friend finder and such. YUCK!

 

Oh almost forgot and then you have the old facebook/old love affairs that spend even less time together than the work affairs but it is true love for them in the few hours they have.

 

 

I said my A started with a "co-worker", that was not the only place I saw him.

 

The A lasted over 3 years; we went a lot of places together and saw each other after work hours and on weekends and those times were not work related. The workplace is where I met OM, not the only place we interacted.

 

Back to my original point, that the work place seems to play a big part in A’s , so why would anyone consider their W/H would not do this (get involved in an A) at work.

 

I guess what I am getting at is this –

 

No one is with anyone 24/7, except in sprit and if a person wants to have an A they will find a way and an opportunity. I believe you have to trust 24/7 and if someone decides to cheat on you, then and only then should one make it an issue and deal with as it unfolds, and make the decisions on what is best for oneself after the fact.

 

There is no real way to predict the future, so prepare for the worst and hope for the best. For me I think in issues of infidelity most BS’s are shocked that the person they trusted betrayed them in this way, so to say they won’t ever, is pointless, to hope they never will is more true. This is based on my own true life experience, not just what I have read here on LS.

 

To assume the W/H has any control over whether or not a spouse cheats is false even when they are with them 24/7.

 

The W/H is not responsible for what the WS chooses to do, ever, so to say they can control this behavior for any reason is almost saying they have some responsibility in keeping it from happening, not true. ALL RESPONSIBILITY LIES ON THE WS AND THE AP.

 

One can hope no one ever does this, but to say they won’t because one is with them all the time is foolish, IMO.

 

As far as why any would someone accept less than others, some don’t and those that do --- who knows why, my guess is they have their reasons.

 

Maybe another thread topic you could start. I would ask the same questions on a lot of things I see in relationships I may not understand and one I have never experienced for myself.

 

 

NOTHING IS EVERY OBVIOUS ONLY A PERCEVED PERCIPTION.

[SoMovinOn]

I don't think cute, clingy outfits are a requirement for an A to start, especially not in the workplace, where people get to spend a significant amount of time together. Under those circumstances, some type of relationship will develop anyways - at the very least, a professional one. If two people connect well, it's very easy to see how an A might develop from there.

 

My current wife & I started with an A which grew out of a work relationship. We initially disliked each other and butted heads on work related issues. She was pondering a divorce and asked me for some advice because I had been through a divorce. That's where our personal relationship started. We'd go to lunch and talk about things. That lead to us discovering a great deal of similarities between us, common likes and dislikes. As she was going through her divorce, when she had a rough day or seemed very down, I'd take her out to do something fun to take her mind off things and make her feel better. We grew closer and ended up in an A for a brief period before her divorce was final.

 

My current AP and I do not work together. We knew each other from a long time ago. However, almost all of our time together is during working hours because that is pretty much the only time she is not under the thumb of her H.

[2themoon&back]

It's not about your outfit or wearing clingy clothes.

 

It's the fact that you are a woman. Plain and simple. You are physically near them and you have a hole.

 

I work in the corporate world and whenever I visit somewhere new or enter a different office, I am bombarded with flirty, talkative men. I am faithful to my husband, so I limit the conversation to short, uninterested responses. They learn from my body language that I am not interested, and move on to their next prospect.

 

They focus their efforts on the women that give off "available" vibes. The ones that respond to their attention. It's not about their outfit, their looks or their shining personality. Hookups and affairs happen at work simply because some women say YES, while others say NO. These men cast many lines, and pursue the ones that bite.

 

Then they compare notes with their male coworkers.

 

If you hook up with a married guy, this lowers your status to "office slut" in your workplace community. Married guys will be all over you because they feel that they have good odds of hooking up with you. The word is out that you have low standards and expectations.

 

As for the single men in the office, you will be pursued for hookups, but not serious relationships. Often times, once a man knows that you were willing to sleep with a married guy, he moves you out of the "wife material" category into "f%$k buddy" category.

 

If you want to be taken seriously, and not thought of as a piece of meat, you should refrain from engaging in multiple workplace relationships.

 

 

I once believed the same things you have stated above, not anymore though, I have learned differently.

 

You do have what may be considered the “majority opinion” and I know some of what you have said is true, I have seen it happen.

 

That is not my case but it has been with others.

 

I was being flip about the “clothes”, (that too is a false perception, that what a W/M looks like or wears has a bearing on if they are A material) I know an A is not about what a person wears, it is about what a person chooses.

[greengoddess]

I don't think cute, clingy outfits are a requirement for an A to start, especially not in the workplace, where people get to spend a significant amount of time together. Under those circumstances, some type of relationship will develop anyways - at the very least, a professional one. If two people connect well, it's very easy to see how an A might develop from there.

 

My current wife & I started with an A which grew out of a work relationship. We initially disliked each other and butted heads on work related issues. She was pondering a divorce and asked me for some advice because I had been through a divorce. That's where our personal relationship started. We'd go to lunch and talk about things. That lead to us discovering a great deal of similarities between us, common likes and dislikes. As she was going through her divorce, when she had a rough day or seemed very down, I'd take her out to do something fun to take her mind off things and make her feel better. We grew closer and ended up in an A for a brief period before her divorce was final.

 

My current AP and I do not work together. We knew each other from a long time ago. However, almost all of our time together is during working hours because that is pretty much the only time she is not under the thumb of her H.

 

so you are still with your wife who you married from an affair and you are presently involved in an affair?

Do you love your wife? Want out of the marriage? Love your affair partner? This is your second marriage and you are cheating? Are you a serial cheater? I'm really curious. I hope you don't mind my questions. If you do just ignore.

[2themoon&back]

Well, that would be pretty ignorant to think that's the only reason that a guy wouldn't cheat.

 

I know mine wouldn't cheat, but it has nothing to do with our proximity to each other.

 

But those things happen only when the MM/MW has some sort of excuse for that much time away such as a business trip.

 

I get mine 24/7, with the exception of work. A much better arrangement, IMO.

 

These are your words right? I agree-- ignorant indeed. That is why I asked the question to start with.

[donnamaybe]

These are your words right? I agree-- ignorant indeed. That is why I asked the question to start with.

And you took that second quoted post COMPLETELY out of context. Let's review: I was answering an OW who ONLY gets to see her MM when he is away from his W on a business trip and saying I get to see my man all the time. I was talking about getting little tidbits of time at HIS convenience rather than a full on R. That is NOTHING like "I know my man doesn't cheat on me because we're always together except for work" and it was - yes - VERY ignorant to try to make that little puzzle piece fit your agenda.

 

Nice job at the attempted twisting, but.... FAIL!

 

Gawd I am SO lucky to not have to share MY MAN!

Edited February 1, 2011 by donnamaybe

[TigerCub]

I met my xMM at work. We DIDN'T work together, he just works in the same building.

 

As for GG's comment about getting time with the MM at work only - that's not how it goes. Well, at least with me, that's not how it went.

Sure we did lunches and coffee breaks and stuff at work, but we hung out in the evenings and on the weekends sometimes.

[greengoddess]

These are your words right? I agree-- ignorant indeed. That is why I asked the question to start with.

 

Are you actually trying to make donnamaybe believe that her man is a cheater because he goes to work everyday? Seriously?

What is wrong with this picture?

 

OMG do people have so little respect for men that they just assume if he works away from home he is a cheater? What does that say about the women involved with these men then?

[donnamaybe]

I met my xMM at work. We DIDN'T work together, he just works in the same building.

 

As for GG's comment about getting time with the MM at work only - that's not how it goes. Well, at least with me, that's not how it went.

Sure we did lunches and coffee breaks and stuff at work, but we hung out in the evenings and on the weekends sometimes.

And since this thread was based on a statement attributed to me that I DID NOT MAKE, it's all for naught anyway.

[donnamaybe]

Are you actually trying to make donnamaybe believe that her man is a cheater because he goes to work everyday? Seriously?

What is wrong with this picture?

 

OMG do people have so little respect for men that they just assume if he works away from home he is a cheater? What does that say about the women involved with these men then?

I recall the thread wherein I made the post that was quoted, but it was taken totally out of context, complete with the requisite twisting and turning to try to fit some claim that I said I know my man doesn't cheat because we're always together except for work.

 

Ha haaaaa!!!!!!!

[2themoon&back]

And you took that second quoted post COMPLETELY out of context. Let's review: I was answering an OW who ONLY gets to see her MM when he is away from his W on a business trip and saying I get to see my man all the time. That is NOTHING like "I know my man doesn't cheat on me because we're always together except for work" and it was - yes - VERY ignorant to try to make that little puzzle piece fit your agenda.

 

Nice job at the attempted twisting, but.... FAIL!

 

Gawd I am SO lucky to not have to share MY MAN!

 

This is not a “win or fails” subject, but you seem to like to play games with it.

 

I am trying to find out "if the work place is where most A's start" no laughing matter IMO.

 

So if you know anything about that please add something to my thread that is on the topic rather than whom you share your man with…I personally do not care who he is with, you or anyone else for that matter. Maybe you should start a thread about it and then you get this point out of your system and stop trying to TJ every other thread and stop trying to “win” with that line, because every BS here thought that way at one time or another and has been hurt. There is no contest going on here so stop trying to win one, check with the fair if you need to WIN that badly, they may have a pie eating contest or something.

 

I am trying to work on RL issues that is my agenda and my puzzle,

and in infidelity everyone loses.