IS it WORK RELATED?

[desertIslandCactus]

I agree with what you are saying. I have watched it happen for years though and never understood it until I became involved in one myself. I was wondering where else an A may start besides work, or is this the majority of where they seem to start?

 

I'm sorry you got caught in the trap 2tm&b.

 

But it would seem this can be the primary place since this is where people spend much of their daytime. Far more opportunity to get to know one another.. And maybe boredom from day to day mundane.

 

My H employed his 2nd cousin. Second cousin's girlfriend's mother would call my H at work because she acted as if she was concerned about the relationship between her daughter & my H's 2nd cousin. Girlfriends mother: She became the OW in our M. (I didn't find out all the phone calls & how they met til much later) ..

[2themoon&back]

The way I see it, my H was going to have an affair and the fact that he met his OW at work just made it easy for him. I also believe that had we not had a d-day, he would have continued to have affairs.

 

My H has an addictive personality. When d-day occurred, we separated at my insistent. He went to IC. We went to MC originally to figure out the best way to deal with the kids.

 

Eventually he entered into a 12 step program for his addiction. This is a lifetime commitment he made for himself. I noticed many positive changes in him, and decide to do the work I needed to do on myself as well. Together we have built a marriage based on a stronger commitment.

 

I would never want our relationship to return to the way it was. I was ready to get a divorced, but I'm glad I gave our marriage a second chance.

 

As long as my H works the program and I keep my promise to never take our marriage for granted, I feel secure. But, it takes commitment from the both of us to make it work. Hope I answered your question.

 

Yes you did and thank you for being so honest. I think this is a beautiful post and a true testimony for how one can and does recover from infidelity.

 

I am happy things worked out for you, I can tell you are as well.

 

I think it is also wonderful that a 12 step program is available to help in such a way, I would not have thought of that, just IC and MC.

 

Your post makes me Happy !!

[PeachyPink]

Sure, and if work is the only place that they are without their spouse, where else will they met an affair partner?

I've been thinking about this and your other post. I think workplace affairs go hand-in-hand with the "it just happened" excuse.

 

It doesn't "just happen" if people have strong boundaries. I think what donnamaybe was trying to say is that she is comfortable that her man has strong boundaries. Thus, she doesn't fear advances by OW regardless of where they occur.

 

Am I right?

[2themoon&back]

Okay, I'll bite.

 

Some affairs start in the workplace.

 

SO WHAT?!

 

Some people are jackwagons and start or affairs. What difference does it make where it started?

 

Ok so what—what ?

 

I just wondered do MOST A's start at work and if it does not matter to you either way ---why you did bother to post anything?

 

Do not bite anything you don’t like the taste of just to say you had a bite.

[donnamaybe]

I've been thinking about this and your other post. I think workplace affairs go hand-in-hand with the "it just happened" excuse.

 

It doesn't "just happen" if people have strong boundaries. I think what donnamaybe was trying to say is that she is comfortable that her man has strong boundaries. Thus, she doesn't fear advances by OW regardless of where they occur.

 

Am I right?

His boundaries are very clear cut, yes, as well as his integrity. I'm not saying I'm the be all and end all - a paragon of womanhood - but if our R was in such dire straits that his eye started to wander, he would leave before he struck up a R with someone else.

 

We talk things out quite thoroughly, though, so our R is going strong.

[2themoon&back]

I've been thinking about this and your other post. I think workplace affairs go hand-in-hand with the "it just happened" excuse.

 

It doesn't "just happen" if people have strong boundaries. I think what donnamaybe was trying to say is that she is comfortable that her man has strong boundaries. Thus, she doesn't fear advances by OW regardless of where they occur.

 

Am I right?

 

My question does not require an excuse; it is a question not a reason why A’s happen as much as where they seem to start.

 

And as far as what donna is saying I would not dare to guess or where you asking her?

[2themoon&back]

His boundaries are very clear cut, yes, as well as his integrity. I'm not saying I'm the be all and end all - a paragon of womanhood - but if our R was in such dire straits that his eye started to wander, he would leave before he struck up a R with someone else.

 

We talk things out quite thoroughly, though, so our R is going strong.

 

 

I agree with this and have done so in my M and when things stopped going well we made a joint choice to end the M. Neither of us had an A on each other.

 

But this kind of communication is rare, people do not seem to be so honest with their feelings, if they were there would not be so many A’s happening and it would not matter where they started.

[donnamaybe]

But this kind of communication is rare, people do not seem to be so honest with their feelings, if they were there would not be so many A’s happening and it would not matter where they started.

Yeah, but we're old. It's all we have the energy for.

 

Just kidding. Actually, it was difficult the first few years because of our respective baggage, but SO worth the effort.

[2themoon&back]

What an awful and pessimistic way to think of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with!

 

 

I think I was referring to after an A, but yes I may be considered pessimistic from you perspective. I have also been told I was not "jaded" that I am "jagged", so you could be correct on this.

 

I know am not as guarded though, as I need to be even if I come across as pessimistic and that is why I am told I am incongruent as well.

[herenow]

Y

I think it is also wonderful that a 12 step program is available to help in such a way, I would not have thought of that, just IC and MC.

 

Your post makes me Happy !!

 

The 12 step program has to be right for the individual. MY H isn't addicted to sex, drugs or alcohol, but he goes to AA meetings because he has found a connection that works for him.

 

His addition has manifested itself in work, hobbies, collecting things, etc and eventually his affair. He looks for the fix and the fix became harder to get. No doubt had he not been caught, and done something about his addiction, it would have continued to get worse.

 

I'm glad I was able to make you happy. That is what makes it worth taking time to post here.

[2themoon&back]

Yeah, but we're old. It's all we have the energy for.

 

Just kidding. Actually, it was difficult the first few years because of our respective baggage, but SO worth the effort.

 

 

I agree here to it is worth the effort, and it is wonderful you could work past your PAST experiences.

 

It was that way for me and my xH, and I am so thankful, that we could communicate in this way to keep from harboring resentment and hurting each other further with an A and deciding together to stop the M and now we can have the friendship we still cherished. And being that honest is no easy feat !

[2themoon&back]

The 12 step program has to be right for the individual. MY H isn't addicted to sex, drugs or alcohol, but he goes to AA meetings because he has found a connection that works for him.

 

His addition has manifested itself in work, hobbies, collecting things, etc and eventually his affair. He looks for the fix and the fix became harder to get. No doubt had he not been caught, and done something about his addiction, it would have continued to get worse.

 

I'm glad I was able to make you happy. That is what makes it worth taking time to post here.

 

 

I agree, I love the feeling of a new wrinkle in my brain!!

 

It is funny (not in a HA HA way) that you said that about addition. When I hit rock bottom in my "love choices", I got a tattoo with a half broken heart an two hypodermic needles in it, one is black with the words "heartbreak" and one is red with the word "love", indicating that it is and can very well be an addition I have.

 

Understanding this helps me to see a 12 step program could even help me as well.

 

I have long asked myself which one I am the most addicted to ... Love or Heartbreak, I think Heartbreak, I just have "used" love to get there.

 

I also have recently learned I have developed over my life Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and in this disorder the person relives the traumatic feelings over and over and over, which could be confused with the same signs of addiction or could even develop as an addiction.

 

I will consider a 12 step program; did your H go to a certain type of meeting or just adapted the theory of the program?

[BB07]

In answer to the original question. There have been many studies that back up the fact that most affairs do start in the work place. Also that more women have affairs now as a result of being in the workplace then they did 40, 50 years ago. Opportunity!

 

Yes that is where I met xmm.

[silktricks]

IMO many affairs do begin at work, primarily because we all spend so much time there. Work becomes possibly more important than it should, and by extension the people we work with become important. They understand" what we are going through at work in a way that our partners often do not - mostly because we don't discuss our work with our partners in the same way.

 

Propinquity is another matter. We are at work more than we are at home (and awake). Therefore we have more contact (generally) with people we work with than we do with anyone else.

 

Basically, though, if a person is going to have an affair, it will happen with someone they have a lot of exposure to. Work is one of those places. Church is another .

[herenow]

I will consider a 12 step program; did your H go to a certain type of meeting or just adapted the theory of the program?

 

It took him a while to find one that worked. Most 12 step programs are based on AA. For my H, it's all about the people at the meetings. Just happened that the group he connected with was at an AA program. First step was admitting he had a problem and wanting to do something about it.

 

Again, it's not for everyone. I would say it's worth a discussion with your therapist (if you do go to therapy). A good therapist will be able to help you decide if a 12 step program can help you.

[herenow]

IMO many affairs do begin at work, primarily because we all spend so much time there. Work becomes possibly more important than it should, and by extension the people we work with become important. They understand" what we are going through at work in a way that our partners often do not - mostly because we don't discuss our work with our partners in the same way.

 

Propinquity is another matter. We are at work more than we are at home (and awake). Therefore we have more contact (generally) with people we work with than we do with anyone else.

 

Basically, though, if a person is going to have an affair, it will happen with someone they have a lot of exposure to. Work is one of those places. Church is another .

 

Right, just take a look at how many celebrities wind up dating after they work on a project together.

[2themoon&back]

IMO many affairs do begin at work, primarily because we all spend so much time there. Work becomes possibly more important than it should, and by extension the people we work with become important. They understand" what we are going through at work in a way that our partners often do not - mostly because we don't discuss our work with our partners in the same way.

 

Propinquity is another matter. We are at work more than we are at home (and awake). Therefore we have more contact (generally) with people we work with than we do with anyone else.

 

Basically, though, if a person is going to have an affair, it will happen with someone they have a lot of exposure to. Work is one of those places. Church is another .

 

Oh no, I never thought of Church !!

 

I think the nature of the work too can have an influence on what you stated above. Where I worked no one would want to share that kind of stuff with their family, ever.

[2themoon&back]

In answer to the original question. There have been many studies that back up the fact that most affairs do start in the work place. Also that more women have affairs now as a result of being in the workplace then they did 40, 50 years ago. Opportunity!

 

Yes that is where I met xmm.

 

I will ask you the same question ... do you think the nature of the work can have an influence the start of an A at work?

[2themoon&back]

I will ask you the same question ... do you think the nature of the work can have an influence the start of an A at work?

 

Like if it is more dangerous work, would this make the work relations more personal to begin with?

[donnamaybe]

I will ask you the same question ... do you think the nature of the work can have an influence the start of an A at work?

I think it can as studies have shown (and don't ask me to find 'em, but it's pretty widely known) that careers such as fireman and police officer result in LOTS of A's.

[herenow]

I will ask you the same question ... do you think the nature of the work can have an influence the start of an A at work?

 

I don't think an affair is about work, the OW/OM or the BW/BH. IMO, it's all about the MM/MW and his or her desire to have a affair for whatever reason. People meet at work because they spend so much time there. An affair can start anywhere.

 

Don't forget about the many people who work together everyday and don't engage in affairs. It's not about the work, it's about the person engaging in infidelity. The fact that they work together makes it a whole lot easier.

[half_ofa_heart]

Although my MM and I work for the same company, we did not meet at work nor had anything to do with each other at work until long after the affair started. But... work hours are the ONLY time we get to see each other now.

[donnamaybe]

I don't think an affair is about work, the OW/OM or the BW/BH. IMO, it's all about the MM/MW and his or her desire to have a affair for whatever reason. People meet at work because they spend so much time there. An affair can start anywhere.

 

Don't forget about the many people who work together everyday and don't engage in affairs. It's not about the work, it's about the person engaging in infidelity. The fact that they work together makes it a whole lot easier.

Actually, I believe you're correct here. It is about the person engaging in the A, and certain personality types tend to choose certain careers. For example, studies have also found that many childhood bullies grow up to have a career as a law enforcement officer.

 

I wonder what the correlation is there? Bullies often grow up to become cops and cops have been known to cheat a lot. Hmmm....

[silktricks]

I don't think an affair is about work, the OW/OM or the BW/BH. IMO, it's all about the MM/MW and his or her desire to have a affair for whatever reason. People meet at work because they spend so much time there. An affair can start anywhere.

 

Don't forget about the many people who work together everyday and don't engage in affairs. It's not about the work, it's about the person engaging in infidelity. The fact that they work together makes it a whole lot easier.

 

I agree it's about the MM/MW (and of course the OW/OM), but I would disagree that the work doesn't matter. Now... whether people who engage in more risky behavior (i.e. affairs) would as a matter of course be more drawn to certain occupations is a subject (maybe ) of its own. But I think that there actually might be some reality to the idea that people who are in certain occupations have a higher rate of infidelity.

[2themoon&back]

I agree it's about the MM/MW (and of course the OW/OM), but I would disagree that the work doesn't matter. Now... whether people who engage in more risky behavior (i.e. affairs) would as a matter of course be more drawn to certain occupations is a subject (maybe ) of its own. But I think that there actually might be some reality to the idea that people who are in certain occupations have a higher rate of infidelity.

 

That is what I think as well about the certain occupations, well, I know this to be true for me and my job and for the people I work with.

 

As for why the A, begins is up to the person in it, another animal for sure!

It just seems to be all too common the A starts at work, and sometimes, (like Church is for me) the W/H never considers this as an area of concern for a WS surprised me.

 

But like I said ... I would have never thought of Church as being an area of concern.