IS it WORK RELATED?

[greengoddess]

That is what I think as well about the certain occupations, well, I know this to be true for me and my job and for the people I work with.

 

As for why the A, begins is up to the person in it, another animal for sure!

It just seems to be all too common the A starts at work, and sometimes, (like Church is for me) the W/H never considers this as an area of concern for a WS surprised me.

 

But like I said ... I would have never thought of Church as being an area of concern.

 

I think it is not so much the place that is not a concern. I think for a lot of women like your ex's wife it is an affair that is not a concern. They spend all their free time with their families and their wives trust them. They can't imgaine this wonderful family man would ever cheat.

[pureinheart]

Yes, I think many affairs begin in the workplace because when these men are not at work they are too busy with their family to be out messing around. They are also to chicken of being caught to do much more than playing during work hours.

 

Actually we hung out together all of the time, he went home to sleep and that's priddy much it.

[pureinheart]

It's not about your outfit or wearing clingy clothes.

 

It's the fact that you are a woman. Plain and simple. You are physically near them and you have a hole.

 

I work in the corporate world and whenever I visit somewhere new or enter a different office, I am bombarded with flirty, talkative men. I am faithful to my husband, so I limit the conversation to short, uninterested responses. They learn from my body language that I am not interested, and move on to their next prospect.

 

They focus their efforts on the women that give off "available" vibes. The ones that respond to their attention. It's not about their outfit, their looks or their shining personality. Hookups and affairs happen at work simply because some women say YES, while others say NO. These men cast many lines, and pursue the ones that bite.

 

Then they compare notes with their male coworkers.

 

If you hook up with a married guy, this lowers your status to "office slut" in your workplace community. Married guys will be all over you because they feel that they have good odds of hooking up with you. The word is out that you have low standards and expectations.

 

As for the single men in the office, you will be pursued for hookups, but not serious relationships. Often times, once a man knows that you were willing to sleep with a married guy, he moves you out of the "wife material" category into "f%$k buddy" category.

 

If you want to be taken seriously, and not thought of as a piece of meat, you should refrain from engaging in multiple workplace relationships.

 

I find this interesting as I never had sex with anyone that I worked with...and in 25yrs with lay offs here and there. Most of the A's at work were followed with the AP's marrying...soooo there goes the "piece of meat" statement.

 

The singles that I dated a couple of times wined and dined me sometimes every night KNOWING they wouldn't get "anything"...they ALL asked me to marry them.

 

Your theory doesn't hold true in my neck of the woods at all. What this post is trying to portray, using gender roles, is the female having an A is the "office slut", this sounds more like a "lifetime" movie more than anything. It might make you feel better to minimize the ladies, although in the real world that's not how it really is.

 

As far as giving off vibes, my friends and me were attractive in all ways, pure and simple, I label appearance to be at the lowest level, and personality being at the highest...the two combined give the entire individual. It wasn't about prospects, if that were the case there was the bar down the street, in fact that is where the other 10% went.

 

Where did multiple come in where my quote is concerned? I had one A, and he ended up D and when that happened we weren't even working together anymore.

[greengoddess]

The singles that I dated a couple of times wined and dined me sometimes every night KNOWING they wouldn't get "anything"...they ALL asked me to marry them.

 

 

 

Exactly. They didn't get "anything". They considered you marriage material.

[BB07]

I will ask you the same question ... do you think the nature of the work can have an influence the start of an A at work?

 

It could......if the type of work is or is perceived as dangerous but still it's a secondary thing, it's more about the person who has the affair.

 

For example.....I used to be a volunteer at my local fire dept. I was a EMT and as everyone knows running calls, especially serious illness or calls that involve death are traumatic. After running a call with those factors involved if you have a close relationship with someone, it would be easier for lines to be crossed because only someone who has shared that experience really truly gets it and then there you go if you aren't careful. My best male friend is someone that I met through the fire dept and some of it had to do with how we clicked on calls and sharing some icky stuff, but yet he is my friend, nothing more but I know how easy it would have been to cross the line to something more.

[donnamaybe]

Your theory doesn't hold true in my neck of the woods at all. What this post is trying to portray, using gender roles, is the female having an A is the "office slut", this sounds more like a "lifetime" movie more than anything. It might make you feel better to minimize the ladies, although in the real world that's not how it really is.

Actually, there WAS a gal at my ex H's office who would give BJ's to any guy who wanted. If she only knew what was said about her when she wasn't "busy..."

[silktricks]

As far as giving off vibes, my friends and me were attractive in all ways, pure and simple, I label appearance to be at the lowest level, and personality being at the highest...the two combined give the entire individual.

 

There actually have been psychological studies done on male/female attraction. (I don't want to put in the time to find them now, but saw them cited in psych classes.) Although men are usually the "aggressors" as far as starting conversations, initiating contact, etc, the female is actually the one who signals availability. So apparently there is something to "giving off vibes" over and above being attractive (either in appearance or personality or both.)

 

From my own personal experience, I found that once I no longer considered myself to be in any way available, the come-ons from the male of the species fell of precipitously - so I guess I gave off vibes, too.

[pureinheart]

I don't think cute, clingy outfits are a requirement for an A to start, especially not in the workplace, where people get to spend a significant amount of time together. Under those circumstances, some type of relationship will develop anyways - at the very least, a professional one. If two people connect well, it's very easy to see how an A might develop from there.

 

My current wife & I started with an A which grew out of a work relationship. We initially disliked each other and butted heads on work related issues. She was pondering a divorce and asked me for some advice because I had been through a divorce. That's where our personal relationship started. We'd go to lunch and talk about things. That lead to us discovering a great deal of similarities between us, common likes and dislikes. As she was going through her divorce, when she had a rough day or seemed very down, I'd take her out to do something fun to take her mind off things and make her feel better. We grew closer and ended up in an A for a brief period before her divorce was final.

 

My current AP and I do not work together. We knew each other from a long time ago. However, almost all of our time together is during working hours because that is pretty much the only time she is not under the thumb of her H.

 

It's rarely the "seedy" "slutty" circumstances that is portrayed that brings about the beginning of a R.

 

ExSO (exDM) and I butted heads also (or me with him) in the beginning, although we didn't work "together" at that time. When we did work directly together he drove me nuts, but he was funny and absolutely brilliant...that is what I fell in love with. He was not a predator looking for "meat"...which I think is an incredible disservice to men in general...that is not usually the goal. If it were I would have to question the sanity of those M'ed to that type of individual, as that would drive me nuts.

 

Wow, so her H keeps her in check...ridiculous, like that is going to stop anything. When will people get it that ownership of people is horrible. It's most likely why they leave to begin with...I would.

[BB07]

I believe in the vibes thing and I'll even go so far as to say that the vibes (the attraction) that xmm and I were sending out were of two broken people. I've often wondered what the attraction was about and I've came to this conclusion. I'll also say that it was something that wasn't obvious, a subconscious thing because he and I both danced around it for years before we even knew hardly anything at all about each other.

Looking back on it, it scares me to see it now for what it really was.

 

BTW......I must not be sending any vibes out at all now as it has been a long time since I've been approached, but yet I don't go to many places where I'm on the market.

I'm happy with that, right now.

[woinlove]

There actually have been psychological studies done on male/female attraction. (I don't want to put in the time to find them now, but saw them cited in psych classes.) Although men are usually the "aggressors" as far as starting conversations, initiating contact, etc, the female is actually the one who signals availability. So apparently there is something to "giving off vibes" over and above being attractive (either in appearance or personality or both.)

 

From my own personal experience, I found that once I no longer considered myself to be in any way available, the come-ons from the male of the species fell of precipitously - so I guess I gave off vibes, too.

 

Interesting. I hadn't heard the theory about the female signalling availability.

 

But as to being able to turn off "the vibes" and project unavailability - that is well known. I use it a lot, and many women I've talked to do too. I would think it would be essential for working in many male dominated industries - and getting any work done!

[woinlove]

 

BTW......I must not be sending any vibes out at all now as it has been a long time since I've been approached, but yet I don't go to many places where I'm on the market.

I'm happy with that, right now.

 

Wow, how do you manage to walk in boots like yours and not give out vibes ... you must be a master at vibelessness.

[pureinheart]

There actually have been psychological studies done on male/female attraction. (I don't want to put in the time to find them now, but saw them cited in psych classes.) Although men are usually the "aggressors" as far as starting conversations, initiating contact, etc, the female is actually the one who signals availability. So apparently there is something to "giving off vibes" over and above being attractive (either in appearance or personality or both.)

 

From my own personal experience, I found that once I no longer considered myself to be in any way available, the come-ons from the male of the species fell of precipitously - so I guess I gave off vibes, too.

 

All I can speak for is me and my friends. I don't even think about R's, in all aspects concerning the job, or when I'm out...still trying to figure out the old ones. I had a friend that looked at guys rear ends all of the time. I don't "look"...I know this sounds weird, but it is the truth...cute guys...whatever don't impress me..I really don't "see" them.

 

I was too focused on my job and had wayyyyy too much to do to be bothered, if anything maybe they were attracted to the rejection? Another girl that I hired in with was quite popular...absolutely gorgeous and wonderful as a person...she too was "unavailable" and got hit on radically.

 

All of us were obsessed with our jobs...for me, it was my identity, and in my line of work...that is a very good thing. Nope, I gave off exactly the opposite concerning vibes, and was consistant. During lay offs I worked at many other places and never saw what is referred to here.

 

Not trying to discredit the findings, although I have not seen it.

Edited February 1, 2011 by pureinheart

[BB07]

Wow, how do you manage to walk in boots like yours and not give out vibes ... you must be a master at vibelessness.

 

:lmao: Good one!

Actually the boots in my pic are very close to my real ones!

I'm a shoe/boot fanatic, but I'm so damn clumsy it's not even funny, so I wear boots as long as I can get away with it because me and high heel shoes are a accident waiting to happen and boots offer a bit more support. I'm the person who runs into the door frame....barefoot.

[woinlove]

When women are unavailable, but hit on a lot, it means they have to do a lot of rejecting, which can't be a lot of fun for anyone. (Excluding the case where a woman might want/need this type of validation - and even then it can't be fun.)

 

I think of projecting unavailability (what is being referred to here as not giving off the vibe) as a more subtle and encompassing way to reject, and find it to be gentler for all involved.

[pureinheart]

Actually, there WAS a gal at my ex H's office who would give BJ's to any guy who wanted. If she only knew what was said about her when she wasn't "busy..."

 

In a workforce (in my area alone) there was about 20,000 in a perimeter of a 5mi radious there was rumor of one girl who did that back in the day in my 25 yr stent, a "sting" was set up and the rumor was she was busted and fired. I also heard that because at her point of entry to the co, she admitted to being a "nimpho", so the co had to reinstate her...this was all "rumor" BTW. Although that is the only case that I know of.

 

This over the top personality is rare, although not tolerated in my line of work. Even though my job consisted of much "downtime", I did not play on the PC during work hours, nor any other extra curricular activities. I found other things to do that would benefit my employer.

[Spark1111]

My H's affair started at his new (at the time) workplace. She was also new and they had to work on an exciting project together.

 

They were both needy at that time I suppose.

 

He has since, DDAY, transfered to a company office far away from her office. The project and the affair ended within a few months of each other.

 

What I found ironic is that a few months after DDAY, I attended a talk at the place she worked and every single secretary knew of the inappropriateness of their relationship. When the saw me exiting the building, a group of them gasped and said, "OMG! That's Mr. Spark's wife!"

 

So much for thinking it was a secret from anyone.:rolleyes:

 

My H did tell his senior mgt about betraying his family. He did not name names, but in the event anything came back to bite us in the behind, he wanted something known.

 

They thanked him for his honesty.

 

In some professions, this can be extremely damaging. Be careful here!

[pureinheart]

My H's affair started at his new (at the time) workplace. She was also new and they had to work on an exciting project together.

 

They were both needy at that time I suppose.

 

He has since, DDAY, transfered to a company office far away from her office. The project and the affair ended within a few months of each other.

 

What I found ironic is that a few months after DDAY, I attended a talk at the place she worked and every single secretary knew of the inappropriateness of their relationship. When the saw me exiting the building, a group of them gasped and said, "OMG! That's Mr. Spark's wife!"

 

So much for thinking it was a secret from anyone.:rolleyes:

 

My H did tell his senior mgt about betraying his family. He did not name names, but in the event anything came back to bite us in the behind, he wanted something known.

 

They thanked him for his honesty.

 

In some professions, this can be extremely damaging. Be careful here!

 

In my place of business, which was a very large international co, noone really cared who was seeing who (management that is) as long as it did not affect the job, and it never did, at least in my experience.

 

Also, I don't want to sound like we were all perfect, although we had very good work habits, and there was a time and place for everything.

 

A co-worker and I produced an obscene amount of work, and had an absolute blast doing it. A couple of managers complained because of our laughing, although our manager and the plant manager said if we want to laugh...go for it...there were three of us that our laughs carried throughout the building. Also our work was above reproach. We were a pleasure to be around and if there was any rep to be gained it was our laugh...lol, and we were told how happy we made others.

[jj33]

We met at a work related meeting.

 

As for the idea that if he is at work he cant be having an A? Fiction. Pure fiction. There are so many opportunities related to work.

 

We went to work breakfasts, work lunches, work dinners, work parties, charity events, movies, musuems, dinners on our own which if we were asked could have been scheduled at least some of the time because we were working on projects together. Alot of our time could be accounted for as being related to work. When we met people they knew on the street and he introduced me as a representative of my company (which I am).

 

We both live so close to both our offices that we could have gone home during the day to spend time together but we never did. Someone else I knew rented an apartment near his work where he entertained. Another woman with small children found herself conducting her A in a stairwell and in phone booths (she was young and limber). And yes that was with a coworker.

 

Why? I have no idea. I dress very conservatively for work and I am not young and "hot" so who knows. We just clicked.

[thomasb]

And then you have the bitter who have never experienced the range of possibilities within an A but choose to stick to their own caricatured view so that they can sleep better at night, without having to wonder who is causing that smile on their sleeping H's face....

 

 

Wow, I'm pretty sure she was alluding to the betrayed as the bitter ones! Too funny, 'cause it sure is looking the other way folks!

[pureinheart]

......................................

Edited February 2, 2011 by pureinheart

[SoMovinOn]

so you are still with your wife who you married from an affair and you are presently involved in an affair?

 

Still with my wife, but we are splitting up. Not an affair on my end - my wife is aware. Affair because OW is married.

 

Do you love your wife? Want out of the marriage?

 

Yes and yes. We were perfect for each other for a very long time. I changed. She changed. We changed. She cheated. We tried to reconcile. Didn't work. Love her enough to let her go.

 

Love your affair partner?

 

Very much. For over 30 years.

 

 

This is your second marriage and you are cheating?

 

It is. I'm not. Would never cheat on my wife. She was everything I needed.

But... to be honest, I do wonder what I might have done if everything was fine with me and her and my old flame showed up. I would like to think I would have kept things friendly, at arms length with her... but I honestly don't know.

 

 

Are you a serial cheater?

 

No. That would be my wife. ... but, I do have a thing for Cocoa Puffs!

[SoMovinOn]

Sure, and if work is the only place that they are without their spouse, where else will they met an affair partner?

 

Friends. ...

[SoMovinOn]

Wow, so her H keeps her in check...ridiculous, like that is going to stop anything. When will people get it that ownership of people is horrible. It's most likely why they leave to begin with...I would.

 

The screwed up part of that is that she would never have cheated on him, she loved him. He controls her, screams at her (her coming out of a physically abusive relationship, this causes her to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere)... when she asks him not to, he says it's just his personality. When she points out he wasn't like that when they were dating, he says "Of course not. You wouldn't have married me if you knew I was like this" ...

 

Dumbass.

[SoMovinOn]

:lmao: Good one!

Actually the boots in my pic are very close to my real ones!

I'm a shoe/boot fanatic, but I'm so damn clumsy it's not even funny, so I wear boots as long as I can get away with it because me and high heel shoes are a accident waiting to happen and boots offer a bit more support. I'm the person who runs into the door frame....barefoot.

 

Boots or shoes like that... you don't always need to wear them for walking.

[pureinheart]

The screwed up part of that is that she would never have cheated on him, she loved him. He controls her, screams at her (her coming out of a physically abusive relationship, this causes her to curl up into a ball in a corner somewhere)... when she asks him not to, he says it's just his personality. When she points out he wasn't like that when they were dating, he says "Of course not. You wouldn't have married me if you knew I was like this" ...

 

Dumbass.

 

SMO, please, if you are able give her a hug from me...I am so sorry...I have been there. One of my ex's was very abusive (I was abusive right back most of the time), one time in particular I was not doing well and we were doing a home improvment project. I was not strong enough to hold up a very heavy ceiling tile...he began to scream and yell and verbally abuse, I had just lost my dad .

 

I laid on the bathroom floor crying and begged God to do something. He did...the jerk left me for another. I was happy after that.

 

She should get out of there, you got my prayers, definitely if that's ok. ((((hugs to both of you))))