I cheated - I hate myself for it - i want my happiness back :(

[ForgiveMyself]

Hello,

 

I am new to this board and i have a dilemma as i suppose most people do when they come to the board !!

 

well, i have been dating my girlfriend for 10 months, they have been the happiest 10 months of my life, we get on well, we can talk all night, and i just love her sooo much. I could not live without her...

 

Anyway, a couple of months ago, i made a huge mistake when i wasn't thinking straight, and i was given a bl*wj*b by somebody totally random. At the time, i thought, nobody will find out and it will make no difference, after all - people cheat all the time.

 

Well, i can't cheat, i hated it the moment it was over, i felt guilty and ashamed (as i should). I ended up telling my girlfriend. Looking back, i was trying to remove the guilt by telling her. She forgave me within a minute, telling me in a way she was glad i did it, because i have answered any doubts i have about whether i love her. I just know now that i want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

The problem is, that experiance haunts me. I know i'll always remember it, but i want to remember it as a lesson and not punish myself for making a mistake. I have taken responsibility for my actions, was prepared for the consequences and told my girlfriend so that it stayed an honest relationship. So why do i still feel so guilty. Why am i going over this over and over again in my mind trying to change the past even though i know it's not possible. It's getting to a point where i can't hug her or kiss her without thinking about what i did and what i could have lost. It's making me really miserable. I wake up and my first thought is - look what a mess i ahev made of my life.

 

I can be driving along feeling ok, and then a thought will jump into my mind, this is the road i drove down that day for the mistake. I drive down it everyday, and did for 2 years before, but i don't think of all those, i think of that specific day. I have to go past the house, and it causes me to go over it again. I keep trying to compare me now and me before the mistake. I have looked at a lot of forums, but people only seem to be given advice if they are cheated on - not if they have cheated.

 

How can you forgive yourself, let go of the past, and move on with your life ?

 

Has anybody ever cheated, told their girlfriend becasue they knew it was a huge mistake, and got back together to be happy ? If so could you tell me your story - you'll be a great inspiraion.

 

Alll i want is happiness with my girlfriend, i love her too much to throw it all away. I just feel if i can get through this we will have a happier, stronger relationship

[Arabess]

I'm not sure why after your girlfriend forgave you for it, you can't find it within yourself to forgive yourself. I don't know what your social or religious background is.....perhaps you need to talk it out with someone.

 

Drive a different route and avoid those things which bring up the memory.

Don't let yourself dramatize it.

Don't let yourself dwell on it.

Don't let it become a bigger event in your life than it really was. Keep it in perspective.

 

I would think continuously thinking about it could cause future problems in your current relationship. I'm SURE your girlfriend doesn't want you constantly reminding her of it....even if you are associating it with 'guilt'.

[jmargel]

If she has forgiven you then you need to forgive yourself. If you keep doing this, you are going to eventually hurt your relationship with her. I'm usually telling people to communicate, but in this matter I would be very cautious about saying anything to her like "I still feel guilty, etc.." The last thing she wants is to remember all of that. She doesnt want her nose pushed into it, or have to re-live it again.

 

If it bothers you this much, perhaps going to counciling alone will help. You made a mistake. Yes you will have to live with it the rest of your life, but does it make you a bad person? Nope. Don't look upon the past. Don't worry about things you can't change. Think about the future with her, if you love her as much as you say do what she wants you to do, which is concentrating on what you have now and what you two plan on doing in the future.

[ForgiveMyself]

I'm not religious at all by the way...

 

Don't let yourself dramatize it.

Don't let yourself dwell on it.

Don't let it become a bigger event in your life than it really was. Keep it in perspective.

 

These are all things i have tried, but don't seem to have any success with. I am waiting to see a councellor but that could be anything up to a month untill i get to see one.

 

I don't know how to do these things, once they get into my head - i find it so hard to get them out again !!

 

the problem is it's pretty disturbing to look at my g/f and feel guilty and sad for what i have done and it hurts me to feel this way :'o(

 

it's almost as if i'm linking her in my mind to guilt, instead of happiness

[Arabess]

Is it possible that rather than an immense guilt for cheating in the first place, you are feeling guilty because you enjoyed it and it is lingering on your mind?

 

It's just a thought.

[ForgiveMyself]

I think it's a possibility, but even though ikinda enjoyed it, i know i would never ever do anything like this again - i mean i wouldn't wish how i feel on my worst enemy !!

 

I know that guilt is there for a reason, to teach me, and i know that i have learned from it, becasue i won't do it again, so why is it dwelling on my mind...why when i go to a shopping center like i did on sunday, did i automatically think to myself, last time i was here with her, i was happy, we were happy and everything was sooo good ?

 

I just can't seem to forgive myself, i think i have done it and then the morning afetr it's back again

[Arabess]

If it is really interupting your life to this degree....I guess you really have no choice but to get some therapy . I DO hope you are able to come to grips with this.

[ForgiveMyself]

Ok - so here goes,

 

(anybody can answer this question - the more the better !!)

 

Do you think that with the help of councelling, it's possible to dig my way out of this rut ??

[capitald]

I'll be real honest with you, you probably did enjoy it. Your guilt is a pile of smelly b.s.. In addition, I don't really believe that we can forgive ourselves technically speaking for what we do because whether it was a mistake or not, it was still our choice, i.e. we wanted to do it, whereas if someone else wrongs us it may have had nothing to do with our free will.

 

I will say that I liked how you were honest with your girlfriend, that is, if you didn't just say it to hurt her. What troubles me is that she seems to have forgiven you too easily. It is possible that she didn't see it as a big deal but still something seems wrong with that.

 

I think maybe you are having some commitment issues. Maybe your not sure if she is the one, especially where sex is concerned. That however, only you can know. On the flipside, I am always weary and very careful about letting someone go because I know of the very human flaw to want perfection in our relationships and our lives.

[kingpin]

she saw it as a big deal - but she could see how much i was hurting becasue of it.

she could see that i was in so much pain that she knew just how much she meant to me and that is why she forgave me.

 

you probably did enjoy it. Your guilt is a pile of smelly b.s..

 

so in your view - there is no possible way i can feel better whilst staying with this girl and your saying that becasue i enjoyed it, it's not possible to feel guilty and i'm making it all up as an excuse?

 

I told my girlfriend to be honest - becasue i want to be in an honest relationship - i would not do anything more to hurt her than i already have.

 

I wasn't totally sure before whether she was the one - but i am 99.9% certain now. I just want to spend the rest of my life with her, put this behind me and move on.

[capitald]

So then put it behind you and stop harping on it. You live under the illusion that you are writing your own life story as you choose when alot of times life has a major say in how our lives go. Without that act of infidelity your life, your relationships and your past still won't be this perfect Disney-like fantasy come to life. So stop looking at this little gift you got on the outside as some kind of scar that is maring your existence, don't be unfaithful again, and move on with your life.

[jmargel]

Even if you were to leave your GF, the guilt will still be there, if not more so. Getting rid of her does not equal getting rid of your guilt.

 

Sounds like your GF has a huge heart to put this past her for the sake of you. Don't let this chick out of your life!

 

My suggestion would be to write down what you could do to help you make the guilt subside. It might be just time itself will help. One thing you should NEVER do, is to bring this up or threaten your gf in anyway about this, when you two have arguments or disagreements. She can't do this as well.

 

Also, doing some reading about this I came up with the following:

 

It seems to me that once one has made a mistake or done something wrong, he, by definition, is simply always guilty of having made it or done it. But that in itself is not usually so terrible or reprehensible (at least not in reparable and non- catastrophic situations).

 

To be guilty of something is simply to have done something wrong that one should not have. It does not say anything about the person other than that he did wrong. Now, forgiveness does not erase the wrong, but it takes the sting or excessive and unwarranted recriminations out of it. So, in order for one not to feel excessive guilt (feelings) one has to forgive himself, and in order to do that one needs to deserve forgiveness, as described in "Deserving Forgiveness" below and think this what probably is also required to deserve forgiveness from oneself. When one deserves forgiveness, one deserves it from oneself and from others equally. Following the forgiveness criteria I gave, one who requires or expects too much of himself needs to understand some errors are simply human and need to be expected. Humans are rarely perfect even when they try very hard to be. One should forgive oneself for certain kinds of human, understandable mistakes or miscalculations. Because we are often more understanding of others than we are of ourselves.

 

Deserving Forgiviness involves the following:

 

1) Regret or remorse-- genuinely understanding what he did was wrong and being sorry that it happened. ("Genuinely" precludes remorse or regret just toward getting caught, and it precludes feigned remorse just to get off from punishment; genuine remorse may be difficult to distinguish from talented pretending, but the point here is to at least know what is necessary, even if one might not be able to decide whether it is occurring.)

 

2) Repentance -- apologizing to the person wronged.

 

3) Restitution or repayment or redress -- not only returning or restoring what was broken or taken, but additionally paying (or making up) for the pain and trouble the victim (and others) suffered.

 

4) Rehabilitation -- the genuine attempt not to repeat that kind of wrong again. I don't think that rehabilitation necessarily has to be successful, but I think it has to be an honest and sincere or genuinely real and continuing effort.