Ian's strict NC log

[is2008]

Well Ian is not my real name, just paranoid that one day she might stumble upon this site.

 

DAY 1: Today would have been our 6 year anniversary. I spoke to her yesterday and she reiterated she didn't see us getting back together, so today also marks the beginning of my strict NC routine.

 

She broke it off with me, for seemingly no apparant reason. We did argue a lot though, distance was a pain, her effort levels were almost non existant.

 

I've made it clear to her that I do not want to be friends with her at all, and I've made it clear that she should only contact if she wants to give us another shot.

 

For too long I've been stuck in the routine of her beckoning me, and me appearing straight away. No more.

 

I've thrown out everything of hers, my Skype headsets... deleted every photo but one. That is being stored away. Don't have a FB, got a new number, new email address.

 

I didn't want things to be this way, I just wanted her to apologise to me for messing things up between us but she never emailed to apologise... so I changed everything.

 

She's got issues with anxiety and depression and she wants us to be friends. Presumably so I can help her get through it and when she's done, she'll go away... I don't know. But all I know right now is that I want her badly but her attitude towards me would have to change considerably, which I also cannot see happening.

 

Like many, I have slowly noticed her becoming detached... not making any effort whatsoever. I don't even know why I want her badly? Presumably the comfort of the relationship, no matter how dysfunctional it got.

 

I need to stay strong today. No relationship = no anniversary to celebrate... and for me, no relationship = no friendship also.

 

Valentine's day is coming up too, that's making me nervous. Vanessa Carlton - A thousand miles has just come on the radio... It used to be one of our songs. Clearly she wouldn't walk a thousand miles to see me, and the only true test of whether she would ever is strict NC. If she misses me and she truly wants to be with me, she'll fight for me. Otherwise... she won't.

 

My emotions are all over the place. One part of me wants her, but then the other part says even if you got back together, she'd not make the effort and she'd have the upper hand even if she agreed...

 

Other part of me sees comfort in being her friend. Just to know she's around, but it would really really hurt to see her with someone else. I don't think that's on the cards right now though. Eventually it will happen I guess.

 

TODAY'S SUMMARY: Messed up, considering it's day 1 NC and it would have been 6 years. But a little comfortable knowing I don't have her drama/making me upset or using my insecurities against me.

[IfiKnewThen]

good luck. you sound like you put all your ducks in a row. physically getting rid of things that remind you, etc.

 

that's a good start. the emotional is homework for a long time i guess. i haven't gotten over the hurdle. but one day at a time. keep busy

[is2008]

thanks IfiKnewThen, it's a difficult day. will go out and see friends tonight i think just to make the pain easier!

 

i don't regret throwing everything of hers out/everything that reminds me of her. still got 2 aftershaves that remind me of her, going to throw those away too, never to be purchased or worn again.

 

i'm beginning to (slowly) come round and consider what i'd say if she wanted us to be together again. unless i got major reassurances, i don't think i could put myself through the pain again.

 

i'll read your story too, presumably you've posted it

[Nick71]

Getting rid of the physical reminders was easy and automatic.

There was as sense of closure to destroy photos, cards, & dump that package out of my life.

 

Digital reminders to the Recycle Bin & then empty the recycle bin too was a easing process.

 

How do you get all those mental reminders & the pain out of your head though ??

I wish I had that secret as 'Time is the healer' is only reassuring once the time has passed, early steps of a long journey are killing me.

 

I'm doing this now for the 3rd time at nearly 40 years old so I know it passes but nothing can get me through these early days.

 

I certainly will not be doing this a 4th time :/

[IfiKnewThen]

hi...my posts go way back, now times have changed, and are mixed up and confusing and complicated. keep your head clear with your own story ; )

 

its a good idea to get out and see your friends. sometimes we can feel lonely in crowds. but really, no matter WHAT, friends and gatherings and even certain movies are a distraction and the longer you can distract yourself, the better.

 

nick71 quote: How do you get all those mental reminders & the pain out of your head though ??

I wish I had that secret as 'Time is the healer' is only reassuring once the time has passed, early steps of a long journey are killing me.

 

i agree, that's the hard part. getting those mental reminders and pain and of your head and heart. i am thinking time is the healer there too. however, i had a heartbreak once before this recent one, and i try to "layer over the memory". i am having a much harder time at doing that now, but trying the technique again.

 

i try to "layer over the memory with a new memory that is similar to it"

for instance (just an example)...if you went to a specific movie theater with her and you dread passing it in your car or going their because you feel an ache in your heart.....you kinda do go there with friends one day and pick a great or funny movie out and have a good time there with your friends. if you pass the theater again you tell yourself mentally "thats a nice memory i had over there with my friends the other day" and smile and FEEL it. remember that new good memory there with gladness. it sort becomes a layer now over the painful longing memory. little by little i conquered the fear and discomfort of being in certain places and having the memory OVER power me. i am in a bit of a different position today...so i have to do things differently again. this is a bigger heartache too and a harder loss...BUT the principal is still the same. it has to become a shadow..not the main actual figure in your life anymore. anyway thats one method. this coupled with time and i think everyone needs a fantastic support system so start building one. prayer. and i follow the "mcgrupp thing" (look up the post from mcgrupp here called its been one year ago today....

 

 

there too here talks about doing things that make you feel good. then you get a 9% increase level in happiness. even though its temporary. you have to stack these percentages up.

 

 

thats all i know. i have a long way to go. but this is all i am able to contribute . anybody else have tips in healing..we always need tips here. anyway... is2008 you sound strong and at least very resolved. which is a good thing

[dave560]

I do not have much to add other that than I am going through almost exactly the same, and you have my complete sympathy. My partner left several weeks ago and I am on 1 week of NC myself. Apologies if some of this is off the mark with your situation but thought I would give you my thoughts that relate to my particular relationship.

 

It was almost exactly the same length of relationship and all the patterns of her behaviour prior to you breaking up I can completely relate to. It is funny how we all think we have unique and special relationships but at the end of the day all these breakups seem to follow a particular pattern.

 

You mention she had anxiety and depression, my ex also had similar traits. These cannot be changed and are a hard-wired neurological behaviour, which I am slowly accepting. She is not happy? You blame yourself and overcompensate on the attention, which for me was never reciprocated. The double-edged sword of this is it also puts her in the driving seat of the relationship as you are the one constantly making her the center of attention and this constant craving for it to be returned evolves over time into neediness from yourself that makes you, at least on a subconscious level, an undesirable male. Don't blame yourself, she facilitated and provided the toxic environment for this behaviour to thrive.

 

I did some soul-searching and decided that if she asked me back I could not take her back. I think you have probably already come to this conclusion yourself. If so, realise it and embrace it and man the hell up. Do you want that perfect girl who will fill you with the happiness you ex never did? The faster you make that decision the quicker you are your way to meeting someone, someday, who eclipses your ex.

 

Standing by that decision makes everything that follows flow a lot easier and expedites it. Worrying about what to say if she contacts you? If she does it will play out exactly the same way it has played out for so many people; she will be curious to see how you are or just outright bored and you will take the bait and she will suddenly withdraw, taking you back to square one. Or the best possible "dream" outcome? She takes the blame and admits it was all her fault and she will change and you take her back. But really she has done the unimaginable, she has broken the bond that you thought was unbreakable and left you and you will just be waiting around for her to do it again, if she did it once you would think, what would stop her from doing it again? So really, none of these possible routes lead to your happiness, which is all she is, your happiness. You need to let go and redefine your happiness, and perhaps next time, like me, not to invest so much of it in a particular relationship with another human being. You cannot be friends with her. You cannot be friends with her. You cannot be there soften her fall from breaking up with you anymore. You were already there cushioning her fall weeks before you knew it. Right now, like me, you should be mad at her for taking everything and giving nothing. She is not worth it, and really, has probably done you a favour by your description of her.

 

I am now very empty, still at the self-pity stage if I am honest. She was everything to me. But that is in the past, even if that past for me was only a few weeks ago. She has sent me horribly cold emails in the limited contact she had, and even two weeks ago I was begging her to come see me to give me closure, she barely had time for me and showed up very late. I am also coming to terms with, after looking back, there might have been someone else on the periphery. It's a difficult pill to swallow, yes, but now I have made the decision that I do not want her back in my life it gives me freedom to heal and NC gives me dignity back and the faster we both can get there the faster you'll realise your ex was not what made you and someday, maybe not too far into future, you'll be with someone amazing wondering how you were ever happy without this person in your life.

Edited February 2, 2011 by dave560

[IfiKnewThen]

lots of insight in that post dave. enjoyed reading it. didnt enjoy your heartache of course, but what you said made sense and i could relate to different things in it..on both sides.

 

very well said.

[is2008]

your post is brilliant... and freakishly similar to my situation in the behaviour aspect. will be posting day 2 shortly along with comments regarding your post

[is2008]

your post is brilliant... and freakishly similar to my situation in the behaviour aspect. will be posting day 2 shortly along with comments regarding your post

[is2008]

DAY 2: Woke up this morning, thought of her again, like I do every morning. Still struggling to sleep properly. In fact, the last time I had a good sleep was 2 weeks ago.

 

I looked at her photo. Don't really know how I feel when I look at it. No anger as such, not overly upset, I just hope I'm not slipping into the "sympathy" mode where I idealise her and the relationship. Need to put that photo away in a safe place, or delete it. Unsure which one right now.

 

Written down a list of her bad points which will serve as a good reminder as to why she wasn't right for me.

 

Planned a meal out with friends tonight, that should help me take my mind off her.

 

TODAY'S SUMMARY: Miss her immensely, even though she treated me badly, but do see light at the end of the tunnel. If I can "fake it til i make it" I'll be happy.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

Dave,

 

I completely sympathise with you too. It's difficult when these things happen out of the blue.

 

Your paragraph about anxiety and depression completely resonates in my relationship too. It's almost as if you were describing my relationship! She didn't make the time and effort so I over compensated which made me seem needy I guess. Obviously she never reciprocated either. To say the environment was toxic would be an understatement. It was full of mistrust because she'd not bother.

 

Whilst we've both done some soul searching, can you honestly say you wouldn't take her back? I can't right now. I guess I would, under the right circumstances, but only IF she contacts me. I have my dignity and self respect to preserve, you have too.

 

I too got the nasty calls/emails. She just can't seem to understand why I can't be her friend. In fact, she says it's my ego that's stopping us being good friends. To me, it's just the hurt factor. I would love for her to be in my life forever, but only as a gf/wife. hmmm...

 

If you need anyone to talk to, please post Sounds like we're going through very similar situations... but aren't we ALL?

[dave560]

Honestly I think it would be impossible for me to say that if she came to my house now and said all the right things and embraced me that I would say no. We are highly emotional beings that crave companionship, and rejection is the pits, and everything in my body naturally wants to reverse this feeling. But right now in my head I know committing to the idea of not wanting her back is the best place I can be right now. It is hard, and I feel I have lost a part of my self as the person I was and could be around her as this part of me no longer has an outlet to exist.

 

There are a few issues with the scenario or idea of taking her back that really must be chewed over, and I try and look at it in the most detached way possible.

 

Primarily will she ever come running back? You might just be holding onto the thought of who you think you knew and what you would expect her to do, in truth you probably now have limited insight into what is going on in her head. Sure, sometimes they do come back, I have seen it before with friends. But remember, at the very core of her decision was that she believed she could be happier without you and by extension, to be frank, could do better than you.

 

Dwell on this, the idea of this for me is the fuel to make myself move on, why do you want to be second-rate to the idea of somebody she has in her head? What if someone walked into her life in 1 year from now after you got back and swept her off her feet. Do you honestly think she would not just cut and run again? I know this plays on the mind of people I know who have got back together with their ex's, and you will always wonder what or who she had been seeing in this interim period, you will never know and that will hurt.

 

I do think we have similar ex's, she asked me to be friends which I rejected straight away, even thought this at the time was a tactic to make her change her mind. You just need to look around these boards to see people who have lost the loves of their life who had a happier, longer and considerably more functional relationships to see that we are perhaps the luckier ones.

 

I am beginning to think that because I put so much into the relationship I was probably around 80% of us, I was the one who tried to make her happy and even looking back, just initiating basic conversation was becoming more and more one-sided. So perhaps you can look at it like this: really you still have 80%, or whatever, of the "relationship" because you ultimately have yourself. This all may sound ridiculous, but is maybe the saving grace of breaking up with someone who returned so little of what was a one-sided relationship. So you going to miss her loving companionship? I would put good money on, if it was like me, that you have honestly missed it for years.

 

You need to say enough is enough, this is it. I need to protect myself now, she has been selfish. It was a flawed relationship, if you can truly accept this than you must accept that you must let go. Any more thought of it existing in the future is just because your brain is starved of the various neuro-chemicals which were released when you were with her because of a deep reliance and comfort manifested as love which has been carved out by time. But it wasn't real love for her, not anymore.

 

Also, depression can be an odd one. At least for the flavour my ex had which I think was mixed with some other things, I think she hid a lot of what went on in her head and was unwilling or incapable of discussing her feelings. I do wonder how much, even after 6 years, I really knew her in terms of what she was really thinking and how much she really loved me.

 

On a very selfish and basic level, do you really want to marry and have children with someone suffering from depression and incapable of loving you, if the answer is no then you have already unconsciously made that decision to not have a future with her and you are just clinging onto an idea that will never end in happiness. Like I said before, you need to embrace it, even if you can't bring yourself to consciously accept, like you put it fake it until you make it, trick yourself into believing this and behave accordingly, do not contact her and seriously: I would reject all contact from her from this point, she needs to know you are not at her beckoning call. In time you will have moved on from the state of shock and rejection you are in now, which is no position to make decisions. It is all about acceptance and self-preservation.

 

She said your ego was why you couldn't be friends coupled with nasty emails and calls? This completely neglects any thought or care on her part for you, especially for the emotional ramifications of her decision. Remember: enough is enough and you have been used for too long. I just realised she broke up with you before a year ago? Well you more than anyone must know why you need to make the decision that you do not want her back in your life. Unless you want to be back on these boards next year!

 

I can't say my ex had pressed the friends thing but I'm sure if she felt that it would be in her benefit to be friends she would twist it to make it my fault, as has been the case for most of our relationship as I was always to blame. Does that sound familiar?

Edited February 2, 2011 by dave560

[is2008]

EVERYTHING in your post is so familiar to me. especially "So you going to miss her loving companionship? I would put good money on, if it was like me, that you have honestly missed it for years."

 

I do feel now for a good 12 months, I've not had the proper companionship that I used to have with her. To be frank, I should have said enough was enough a year ago but I wanted it to work so badly I let her get away with everything.

 

Now, like you, I'm on strict NC, and whilst it hurts my feelings immensely that I may never speak to her again in my life, I have to, and you have to move on.

 

It sounds like you've got everything sorted mentally. You know what you want and you're fully at the acceptance stage. My final email stated I'd never contact her again, but she was welcome to fight for me, and I'm going to stick by that.

 

She has persisted with the friendship route and I've rejected it everytime, but everytime I keep going back, it shows I'm weak... and you're right about beckoning call, we'd ONLY ever talk when it was good for her.

 

I like your concept of having 80% of the relationship already. You seem very wise.

 

I'm going to try and find your story if you've posted it so I have a better idea, if you've not posted can you do so?

[is2008]

DAY 3-6: Well I'm on my 6th day of NC today. Weekends are always the hardest and when unfortunately I lapse. I've readded her to MSN, she's not online.. I'm just torturing myself because even if she did come online, I'd not talk to her. I just want to see that she's missing me too.

 

She did email on Friday to vent about me missing the 6 year anniversary... I didn't respond. Wonder if she was reaching out or just wanted a vent?

 

Had a lovely day yesterday (Saturday) with my best friend. Went to Birmingham, took my mind off her for a bit... saw plenty of nice girls but didn't particularly feel anything for any of them. I guess I can't open my heart to someone new if I'm still pining over my ex.

 

Looked at her photo yesterday and today... wondering whether the best course of action is to delete it to help me move on. When I'm not looking at the photo, I'm drawing it in my head (strange I know)...

 

When I do talk to her, I go into a mini anxiety attack.. she's full of drama and usually all she does is vent at me. I'm wondering if I could ever be with her again anyway, the way she broke up with me completely broke my last ounce of trust in her.

 

Going to hit the gym later I think, that should help.

 

SUMMARY: Really weak right now but I did promise myself for the sake of my own dignity that I'd never talk to her again unless she begged for forgiveness. She hasn't so far, don't know if she ever will. Need some advice regarding the photo...anyone?

[PowerOfOne]

First week is definatly the hardest. You kinda get into a rhythm of not calling and eventually you don't have to constantly fight the urge to call.

 

It does get better. NC is the quickest way to that indifference place that we all want. Keep it up mate!

[is2008]

thanks mate, resisted the urge to call so far, it's just MSN, and this photo that bothers me so much... the photo isn't very flattering and when i look at it without all the emotions and minus the pedestal, i think she's average.

Edited February 6, 2011 by is2008

[PowerOfOne]

Yeah, I think of her FB profile pic the same way. I only ever see it if I'm on a mutual friend's page and it shows up on the side. I haven't checked her page since we broke up.

 

I'm so glad that I've gotten over those stabbing gut pains when something reminds me of her. They were almost cripppling early on.

[is2008]

I've just read your story, you went NC from the get go and you seem to be doing alright now after 3 months NC... has she tried to get in touch? How long was your relationship?

 

I'm at the beginning stages...where you were in December, the good days and the bad days and I do find inspiration knowing that you're much healthier.

 

Keep up the good work!

[IfiKnewThen]

is2008 in my opinion..keep the photo. don't delete it. healing doesn't mean sweeping everything under the rug. that's a good place to start..but not to end up. i keep reading how things resurface when you suppress them. and it could resurface and a less opportune time in your life.

 

its supposed to be healthy to go through all the emotions and such. as long as you dont obsess with the picture. try to keep things in balance. even ridding yourself of everything is not really balance per se. the mind will wonder and journey back. that happens..picture or not. that's why you picture (draw) it with your mind. dont fear it. conquer it. embrace it. feel the love, anger, pain, etc. then keep moving forward. they mention this in 2 books i read. (and am still reading and referring to). ones called mars and venus starting over by john gray. this one is excellent and /12 the book is for the men and 1/2 for the woman. so well written. and the other is 'when youre lover leaves you" six stages to growth and recovery. by richard g. whiteside. anyway in both of these books it speaks of going through ALL the stages, but not getting stuck at 1 stage. that's the key. balance once again is key. i think its ok to have the picture and refer it it only when you really want to...and keep it in balance. and timing is everything as well. in the bible it says to everything there is a season and time. you may not feel its the time to look at this picture now and that may be very true. but you might be ready to look at it later in "time". everything has its time. so dont destroy the last thing you have. there will come a right time to get rid of that too. or smile and look at it fondly.

[is2008]

IfIKnewThen thank you for your reply. Unfortunately, I did delete it earlier on, it was just constantly in my mind and I kept wanting to look at it.

 

I've gone through the pain stages (around two weeks) and major anxiety but now that I'm not talking to her, I see the relationship for what it was. I do miss her (what she used to be, not what she became) but I think surpression is the best course of action for me if I want to move on.

 

We do have a history of splitting up and getting back together and if I keep looking at her pictures, it'll make me want her more. This time I'm determined not to take her back unless she begs, which I can't see happening judging by the way she broke up with me.

 

Call me bitter but I don't see what purpose fond memories of her are going to do to achieve getting over her. Perhaps indifference I don't know but my previous ex many many years ago, I supressed and got over her. I've not spoken to her since we broke up but still see her around and have NO feelings whatsoever for her... actually I'd be prepared to be her friend!

 

This ex though, is a much longer relationship and too much history. I don't think I could EVER befriend this one... sad really. Someone you grow up with for 6-7 years and then never speak to. It was her choice though.

[IfiKnewThen]

yeah i can relate to what youre saying is2008. i suppressed one and go completely over them too. it was easier thought because they were selfish and i could retrieve a lot of realistic negative thoughts about them...because they were horrible to me in many ways. but this particular person was so good ..no one ever treated me that good. so it makes it so hard to get over. especially if you see it as your fault and it was my fault. but he went about it all in such a cruel way and did a complete 360 that the shock and pain still lingers.

 

but you have to do whatever works for you. thats what its all about. we all have commonalities but we are not cut out of the same cloth. so if it works to delete all and surpress...go for it. in fact i may give that a try. in my case though i think its best to forgive and love him ( christain like)..because he was good to me for so long. i guess now my hurdle is forgiving myself.

 

anyway i think youre doing great : ) confident this will all be a true thing of the past before you know it. and on to better things. good luck

[is2008]

i've just briefly read your story, 10 years is a long time indeed and he just jumps into another straight away...you mustn't blame yourself.

 

reading that he's now married i think there's no hope of reconciliation between you two and the way it ended and how quickly he moved on should be enough source of anger to consider completely shutting him out.

 

obviously it's your decision and we all have different ways of coping, but for me, deleting and surpressing works... and after a long time, you may find it within yourself to forgive him. it doesn't have to be an immediate thing.

 

truth be told, i want to forgive mine too eventually... perhaps not to talk to her but just be at peace with what she did to me and how badly it affected me... you should try the same approach.

[IfiKnewThen]

thanks is2008. i may try to same approach of this sadness and balming my self all the time doesn't lift soon. yeah my story is confusing..dont know what you read and a little embarrassing that i got myself into a mess.

 

but anyway thank you for the compassion and i am going to keep reading that post of yours to me to try to remember how he checked out.

 

anyway..yes someday it will be good to forgive. LOl that's book i am reading 9maybe i am dabbling in too many books and i get side tracked and dont read them thoroughly enough) called..forgive and not forgiving. anyway, i think youre going to do great when all is said and done

[IfiKnewThen]

boy i am the queen of typos...

[is2008]

DAY 7: Wow, by the end of the day it'll be a whole week. I've thought about her every day, and STILL not sleeping properly, been around 3-4 weeks now since I had a proper sleep, like I used to. Woke up first thing, obviously she was on my mind... listened to "The Show Goes On" by Lupe Fiasco as recommended by Duckduckgoose... worked a treat, elevated my mood.

 

How I miss her. Not listening to the radio at the moment, a lot of the most recent songs were "our" songs. We met up 2 months ago (LDR) and all these songs were on the radio. Bruno Mars - Grenade sums up my feelings, as I'm sure it does for most, but I avoid that song, it'll set me back.

 

I'm vulnerable on milestones. One week... next week will mark not only 2 weeks but the dreaded V day that us dumpees are pretty scared of. Double trouble. Not sending anyone any valentine's day gifts/flowers this year. Perhaps a suggestion to the female members of the board... send yourself flowers A little pick me up!! Afterall, we need to be happy with ourselves.

 

For those struggling with NC, take it from me, I was an anxious mess around a week ago, today I'm feeling better. I'm not pretending I'm healed, but I am healing. Any sort of contact is going to set me back. I'm determined not to make the first move... as a dumpee what would I get? More rejection? More BS? More anxiety? No thanks.

 

IfiKnewThen - keep strong and I hope you make it through. Are you maintaining strict NC too? Any contact for you would be fruitless.

[PowerOfOne]

One week down! Good stuff!

 

Yeah, I've been NC since the minute she drove away. She was a 'good' dumper I suppose. If there is such a thing. We were together for 18 months to the day. But no, she hasn't tried to get in contact. That includes her bday a month after, chrissy and new years. I don't think she will either. She's got enough on her plate this year going into intern year. Even if she does think she made a mistake she'll do what all of us here are doing and move on. That and I rejected her offer of 'friends'.

 

The first week was the hardest. Waking up after dreams that she takes it all back and wants to work on things - then it dawning on me that we really did split. That was horrible. It slowly gets better. After 2 months I was just so tired of thinking about it. I worked really hard at shifting my pov from 'us' to 'me' and it worked a treat! It's hard, you have to constantly keep yourself focused on you and what you are going to do going foward.

 

Everynow and again you create a new - what i like to think of as a - neural path. I had one today where I was totally convinced that I'd never take her back. It's almost like a Zen moment. Sometimes it's gone in a whisper and sometimes it lasts an afternoon. But I like to think that creating it once is the hardest part and that getting it back will occur more and more often.

 

I was talking with a friend of mine. Her and her bf who got together when my ex and I did are going though a breakup at the moment. She's moving to the other side of the country. It's her decision to break up and my mate is taking it pretty hard. But it was amazing to see it from the dumpers POV. Especially when it was scary similar to how my ex was feeling. She is taking it pretty hard as well. She said she just cannot understand how guys do NC so well. That they can just shut it out. That was really killing her. That's after she'd been 'checking out' for about 6 months!

 

So unless your ex is an absolute fruitcake I'll bet a years salary that they do it tough as well. Not that it makes us feel any better.