Ian's strict NC log

[is2008]

PowerOfOne thank you for your reply.

 

Mine was a 'bad' dumper... no real reason, no real signs leading up to it, sure we argued a lot but not worth splitting up over. I'm glad you went NC straight away, I was in utter shock, I went LC for probably a good month... doing the usual, begging, pleading. Now I refuse to contact her so I guess I'm moving forward slowly.

 

Feeling a bit rough this afternoon, because I didn't get the closure I wanted I find it difficult accepting that the person I'd spent part of my teenage years and ALL my adult years with (so far) is gone.

 

I've read about making new neural pathways and eventually replacing thoughts of the ex with thoughts of me... I'm glad it's working for you, and subconsciously my brain is doing the same. I've gone from totally obsessing to being a bit more relaxed. I'm sure you've noticed the same.

 

Your paragraph about the dumper's perespective does make me feel better. She hasn't reached out to me over the weekend but I hope somewhere she misses me and regrets her decision. I'm at a tricky point in my recovery. Part of me wants her back, the other part won't be ever able to forgive this betrayal...without NC though, I'd have just wanted her back... regardless of what I feel, she doesn't want me back by the sounds of things, so I can either move on or remain in self pity.

[IfiKnewThen]

IfiKnewThen - keep strong and I hope you make it through. Are you maintaining strict NC too? Any contact for you would be fruitless.

 

 

 

i want to try to listen to that radio program. hoping to find it online. anyway 1S2008 ..yes i am N/C now. he contacted me a few time after he ended it. (usually on instant message online). he also text and called me a few times too. actually he contacted me quiet a bit after ending it...but he was always illusive about his life and constantly inquiring about what was going on in mine. meanwhile, he was being sneaky..talking to someone (his now wife)...got engaged and married and DIDNT disclose a single WORD of it. he spoke to me up until the day he married and even made a pass:(. the last we spoke (when i did find out through someones tweet) that he got married..i actually wrote him an email congratulating him. he ended up calling me 10 minutes later. we spoke about my "things". i have a closet full of belongings at his moms house. (dolls..my mom who passed and i were doll collectors, old clothes that i was going to sell on ebay..he had an ebay acct. and a bunch of other stuff)..so i asked him to mail my stuff back. he is supposed to mail it all back at the end of february. he asked me to give him time because he's low on funds...i said i would pay all the cost of mailing , etc. and he said hes busy with his new life. we ended it that he would be mailing my things end of feb and i haven't spoken to him since...he also either stopped coming online or blocked me on ghcat. anyway, yes..no need to contact him except to get my things..or mail mailing money. that is it!

 

but this post is about you and i think youre doing great. songs are very rough. so many things remind us. i think you have the right attitude...and keeping a journal on LS for N/C is good too.

 

and i do believe that you have to create new neuro paths as well . i go about that by trying to create new good memories for myself today (each day).

 

i love your idea about sending flowers and candy to yourself for vday hehe.

 

it's true..you have to be good to yourself now and go easy on yourself. i have been blaming myself for so long...and although i still feel i messed up in my life..i want to be happy again and i have to change that neuro pathway of thinking too.

[IfiKnewThen]

typo: i meant he spoke to me till the day b4 he got married.

 

anyway..that's all the past now:o

[is2008]

DAY 8: Successfully managed to keep NC yesterday but with a blip... I added her back onto MSN and noticed she was online...yikes. I stayed on appear offline. She still had a photo of us as her display picture, probably just not got round to changing it I guess.

 

Unfortunately, I spent a good 30 minutes just staring at my MSN screen.. her status went to 'idle'... she definitely was trying to reach out but it could have been to initiate a friendship. It definitely wasn't enough to consider it an attempt at reconciliation anyway.

 

So yeah, I eventually blocked and deleted her again without any contact, it was a sad time because I really wanted to reach out but remembered how nasty she'd been over the past 6 weeks.

 

Onto day 8, the sun is shining, which always elevates my mood, really wanting to hit the gym hard over the next 3-4 months to look good. Missing her a lot when I think about her, when I block her out, things are alright...so going to block.

 

SUMMARY: Adding your ex back onto MSN is a set back. Although there wasn't any contact, it showed she cared...which makes me want to go back. Now I'm questioning what kind of care is it? Friendship or love?

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

IfiKnewThen - Try not to blame yourself. It appears like typical male behaviour. Keeping options open. Whilst it doesn't make you feel any better knowing that, consider yourself lucky you didn't marry him. I'd not be surprised if the marriage doesn't last and he ends up moving onto so called 'greener pastures'.

 

The reason he was elusive but still interested in your life was to make sure that should his current gf fall through, you were there waiting in the sidelines to fall back on. Like I said, you deserve so much more!

 

Continue to go easy on yourself and consider yourself the better person for not jumping straight into another relationship. I don't intend on getting with anyone for a little while, want to improve myself and thus my confidence... you do the same. Make him miss what he could have had and never let him have it

 

As for mailing stuff, I can see how it's a pain trying to get complete closure without the stuff. You're in limbo, insist something is sorted out asap.

 

Good luck!

[PowerOfOne]

Good advice Ian.

 

You seem to be doing a lot better then I was at day 8. So much better. I couldn't bring myself to post here until at least a couple of weeks after. Anything related to thinking about her just sent my brain function to about 3%.

 

I did a very similar thing. The first week after I kept my FB chat online, sort of inviting her to start a convo. But she never did. After the first time seeing her online I just put it on offline. Has been ever since.

[is2008]

PowerOfOne - It took me a good few weeks of nastiness and pain and LC before I went NC and started posting properly.

 

Last time I spoke to her she said "What you blowing up my phone for"... I thought to myself I don't have to put up with this, I was with her for 6 years, friends for 6.5 years. She also let a random colleague (guy) at work answer her phone and explain to me that it was over... Well I got the picture some time ago but she phoned me the day before!!!!

 

She also took great pleasure in hearing me squirm when she told me she'd been asked out 3 times since we broke up...talk about insensitive and not caring for someone else's feelings!

 

Part of me is getting a little pleasure watching her come online waiting for me, but the sensitive part of me is so forgiving of her actions...damn I wish I didn't have those feelings!!

 

But each and every day is a blessing for us all. I'm hoping this will pass for us all.

 

P.S. making some great new friends on here, will be a shame when we're not heartbroken to leave a great bunch of people!

[PowerOfOne]

Part of me is getting a little pleasure watching her come online waiting for me, but the sensitive part of me is so forgiving of her actions...damn I wish I didn't have those feelings!!

 

I can definatly understand that.

 

This girl sounds like a real piece of work to be honest. It's a bit worrying entering the single world know that out there are girls like that. That good, sweet girls seem to be so few and far between...

 

Got a bit of a third degree from one of the senior guys in the office today about why I'm not married. I didn't think that was so uncommon at 27 but there you go.

 

It's a shame that this forum is so transient. I've only been on for a couple of months but just as you get a bit invested in someone's story and how they are coping they seem to disappear. I suppose it's a good thing. Hopefully they've moved on from needing this board for support. I'd like to see more people will stick around and show that there is life beyond the hurt.

[is2008]

I agree, the board is transient... people get their advice, post their stories, help others out a little and move on. When they get a new gf/bf, they lose interest in the board because they're not pining over someone else anymore!

 

I'd like to stay for the future. Receive help and give help where I can!

 

She was extremely nasty during the breakup and I do think it's slowly hitting home, but I don't see reconciliation on the cards. Maybe an eventual apology but she doesn't know what she wants... I would take her back if she demonstrated her commitment and was really good to me... wouldn't we all!

[PowerOfOne]

I would take her back if she demonstrated her commitment and was really good to me... wouldn't we all!

 

Yeah, that's a nice fantasy. Unfortunatly, that's all it is.

 

Whenever I long for that to be true I try to honestly think about how that would go. I make up some convo about how she says 'It'll be better this time because you've changed! You've got that great job you chased! You've got all that self esteem back! etc etc' and it makes me laugh. If she couldn't stick with me while I was going through a real tough time then she does not get to be with me while I'm flying!

 

Has your ex ever been the dumpee?

 

Mine hadn't. And that friend of mine, she hadn't either. I honestly believe you cannot understand what a relationship is really about until you've had your heart broken.

[is2008]

Whenever I long for that to be true I try to honestly think about how that would go. I make up some convo about how she says 'It'll be better this time because you've changed! You've got that great job you chased! You've got all that self esteem back! etc etc' and it makes me laugh. If she couldn't stick with me while I was going through a real tough time then she does not get to be with me while I'm flying!

 

Nice thought there, and completely true. Why should someone be given you back when they couldn't stick around before?

 

I was the first relationship my ex had so not really. We'd always break up and make up, sometimes not talk for months but we'd always get back together.

 

This time it feels very different and I don't think that's going to be happening this time round.

 

I'm thinking of it as a a new challenge... improving myself and then finding someone who actually gives two s h i t s about me!!

[IfiKnewThen]

Has your ex ever been the dumpee?

 

Mine hadn't. And that friend of mine, she hadn't either. I honestly believe you cannot understand what a relationship is really about until you've had your heart broken.

 

i agree with this

[is2008]

DAY 9: Managed to go a whole day yesterday without checking up on MSN or anything like that. I know she was online the day before but it still falls short of major attempts to reconcile.

 

I've blocked her emails, so I don't know if she's emailed to reconcile or even talk but in my heart I'm insisting she calls me at work to initiate a reconciliation. Anything short of that phone call is, in my opinion, not a true attempt. True love/real attempts at reconciliation require persistence.

 

I'm not in denial it's over, just struggling with the uncertainty of whether she's coming back. She was my world for 6 years but during the breakup, she was extremely nasty and pretty much gave up her right to be friends afterwards if that were ever possible.

 

Still struggling with my heart and the concept that someone I shared my life with for so long is no longer there, and hurt my feelings so bad.

 

Other than that, I do feel okay. Everytime I do think about contact with her though, I panic, almost like a panic attack. It's almost as if my body is telling me contact is bad. I get major palpitations, anxiety etc.

 

Certainly not healed but with blocking out her thoughts, I can make it through. Still VERY anxious about V day... will she send me something? As a dumpee I cannot and will not send her anything...unless she sends me something first.

 

SUMMARY: A LOT better than 8-9 days ago. Appetite has returned, sleep still broken but expecting a full sleep any night now. Only ever get set backs when I think about the break up and the few weeks leading up to it. Got another Lupe Fiasco song that I'm loving - The words I never said... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btQKGvVRnZ8 Enjoy!

[IfiKnewThen]

once again , i think it's healthy that youre writing it all down and moving forward. i think it's natural to be anxious about Vday and thinking on them.

 

what i am wondering though is, if she DID try to contact you via email and (you're unaware of it) she see's it as rejection to not hear back from you, ..why then would she want to call you and beg to go back with you? i hope that misunderstandings don't get in the way of things ..because they often do.

 

perhaps dont block the emails?

[is2008]

hey IfiKnewThen!

 

I do feel as though I'm coming a long way. In fact I'd go as far as to say that I'd feel disappointed now if I broke NC.. I've come this far, the hardest part is over and done with.

 

As for the emails... When they're not unblocked I am constantly checking to see if she's emailed me. With them blocked, I don't have that pressure because I know there won't be an email in my inbox. I can therefore heal a lot quicker with them blocked.

 

As for seeing it as rejection if I don't reply, I'd say a phone call would be most courteous after 6 years. She has emailed a few times since the breakup but only a one line email to vent.

 

I did make it clear that unless she begged for forgiveness, I'd not take her back. She knows I want her back... and if I don't respond to a grovelling apology, she'll want to know why. That's when I can be honest with her and let her know I never got it.

 

In the meantime (if meantime is the correct word!!) I need to spend time on myself and relax. Not interested in the dating scene right now so just gonna do my own thing and either someone new will come along or my ex will apologise.

 

How are you anyway? Managing to cope OK?

[IfiKnewThen]

hi! so nice of you to ask. thank you. i am taking it one day at a time. i wish i had some linear strategy..i am actually just winging it. i wont contact him..for all the obvious reasons..and i don't look for any contact either. i just don't expect it and he's been successful in making me see that there's no point in it, even on a friendship/brotherly love level. i think there could have been "meaning" in occasional brotherly love contact, but his negative attitude towards it's has made me see he's not capable of it.

 

i try to do things that normally made me happy. but, i don't have pep in my step now, so its more of a 'fake it till i make it' and take it all in, as i go attitude, till hopefully real feelings of joy are experienced again. i pray i will actually feel that way again soon and clear him out of my thoughts forever. i still scan my mind looking for answers to how this programing (of how he loved me and would always be there) went haywire. basically he programed me to believe that..so the shock still lingers. i need to deprogram myself now and replace it with new thoughts, get over the shock and find happiness in my existing life and look forward to different kind of a future.

 

anyway it was really kind of you to ask. thank you.

 

i understand self preservation and survival. and that's what we have to do at this point to come to terms with what happened and move forward to more meaningful and realistic life. blocking is better than looking. i agree. and it can even be much needed relief to NOT see their name on IM or look for an email.

 

i was only thinking, that she might not try to contact you by phone "IF" she did try by email and felt ignored or rejected at all. but i guess since you know her better (of course you do hehe. we dont know her at all ) that she would likely call you and say hey whats going on? and say" why are you ignoring me..i am trying to reach out on email...etc"

 

even though those odds may be good that that is how she will respond...(by turning to the telephone next), it still might be a gamble however.

 

and she could think the opposite and give up. now i know this is a long shot. i think the odds are better in your direction....meaning block her and if she wants you , she can pick up a phone.

 

the bottom line is you are trying to successfully move on and not obsess with "looking"..therefore keeping you detached, ...so you dont have to keep hoping and being let down and putting yourself thru all of that.

 

so i guess you really made the best decision ..AKA doing what you're doing and blocking emails . i was just thinking out loud before when i wrote that last post.

 

i always try to be optimistic for others...but deep down i know there is a time you have to close the door for your own sanity and for the mind to adjust to not having them in our lives.

[dave560]

I did make it clear that unless she begged for forgiveness, I'd not take her back. She knows I want her back... and if I don't respond to a grovelling apology, she'll want to know why. That's when I can be honest with her and let her know I never got it.

 

In the meantime (if meantime is the correct word!!) I need to spend time on myself and relax. Not interested in the dating scene right now so just gonna do my own thing and either someone new will come along or my ex will apologise.

 

 

Hi again,

 

Good to read you have been maintaining NC (so have I) :-)

 

Do you genuinely see yourself happy in 6 months if you got her back? You can't change a person. As this has happend before, and you felt unhappy with her in the relationship, I think sometimes you got to know when something is worth fighting for and when to concede. Maybe you need to work on the latter, otherwise you are swimming against the tide in terms of your self-healing. Delete her from MSN and accept that you will never accept even a grovelling apology, of which you could never really determine the integrity. Just some friendly advice.

Edited February 10, 2011 by dave560

[Jake32]

I have been observing the no contact rule for about 4 months now, and now I know that it is the only way to heal. For the first nine months after my wife, and I split we continued a sexual relationship. BIG MISTAKE! N.C. RULEZS

[is2008]

DAY 10: Double digits! Another day (yesterday) successfully managed without checking to see if she's online. Suffered a setback though today. I'd emailed her photo to my brother for his brutally honest opinion (he doesn't like her) before I deleted it. I knew he still had it on his PC and asked for it to be emailed back. When I saw it, I felt "that" stinging pain...ouch All the memories of our most recent visit came flooding back.

 

Took my St Johns Wort tablets straight after for a possible shot of serotonin and now eating a banana which apparantly has the same effect. Feeling relatively calm, but got a bit of a lump in my throat.

 

I know she's missing me, I'm missing her, isn't that enough of an indication that two people should be together? Thinking about unblocking the emails again... now that would be a major step backwards. I've just got to remember exactly how she spoke to me during the breakup, and not give in this time.

 

I've set my rules of engagement (a breakup/makeup is a military style mission!) and if I don't maintain my self respect and dignity, she will treat me like a doormat like she's done especially for the past 2 months but generally for the past 1 year. She has got to want to come back, she has got to want to apologise to me and go all out to win my heart back.

 

I think the reason she's been online when I checked last was either to see how I'm doing (curiosity) or to get back together on her terms (me = doormat) neither of which I really want. You know, when she did anything wrong, she'd not apologise, I had to ask her if she was sorry!! I had to ask for an apology.. that hurts.

 

V day this year... I'm still agitated. Will she get flowers from someone else? Will she accept them? Will she send me anything? More importantly, I was due to fly out to her to propose on V day this year, she knows it too...commitment phobe?

 

All of her mistakes and behaviour unfortunately changed me into a possessive/controlling and uncompromising person. I didn't want to be like that but she gave me too many reasons to not trust her completely, how can I live a life with someone that I have to be possessive over? I have forgiven myself for being like this and I think of it as cause and effect.

 

So, the plan is to put the photo away in a safe place. Probably never look at it again because I see it as a trigger. Not unblocking emails.

 

Didn't manage a full sleep last night but optimistic that it'll happen soon. Not getting bouts of anxiety anymore when I do wake up..good sign! Hitting the gym tonight, hopefully hard!

 

SUMMARY: Minor setback, wasn't enough to make me reach out to her in any way. I HOPE I don't go running back to her after a while like I have done twice in the past (after 6 months NC both times).

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

IfiKnewThen - Sorry for the late reply, our time differences make conversation a bit difficult!

 

I think the best strategy you can go for is completely forgetting about this man. What people say in relationships makes us extremely vulnerable, when the do not live up to their words. Strict NC for you would be good too.

 

Don't bother pursuing a friendship because you're only hurting yourself. Consider that chapter in your life over and think of the exciting possibility of meeting someone better!

 

We all lose our pep in our steps during this tough time... Why don't you have a nice long relaxing bath, candles.. the works!! Then go see your friends, do something you've always wanted to do... find new hobbies, volunteer if you have time?

 

Most important of all, forgive yourself. Stop rethinking the whole relationship in your head again and again. Learn from the mistakes you made but don't dwell on it too long. I did the dwelling for 2 solid weeks, now I rarely do it.

 

My strategy of detachment is working for me, I'm transferring the power she had over me back to me. If she wants some of that back, I'm only a phone call away.

 

Dave - Thank you for your friendly advice. I'm glad you've maintained NC and you're checking my progress too!

 

You're 100% right about not being able to change someone!!! It is the single most important piece of advice I could give or receive. Change comes from within one's self. Unless you give someone a reason to change, what's the incentive?

 

The incentive for her is to win me back if she wants me back. With me hanging around, what incentive is there for her to change? None whatsoever.

 

As for not accepting a grovelling apology, I have expectations in place for reconciliation. Call me stubborn or expecting too much but she'd have to phone me at work and be extremely apologetic AND either pay for my flight to the US or fly out herself at her own expense.

 

It's not the money, it's the principle. Only then will I have certain assurance over her integrity... this I cannot see happening though.

[is2008]

DAY 10 UPDATE: Well it turns out she phoned my house phone yesterday and spoke to my mum (they seem to get on well)... sounds like she was trying to glean info about me... I found out today.

 

This in turn gave me a mini bout of anxiousness... added her to MSN again, she wasn't online, she had emailed with a few words "where are you"... not sure how that email slipped through.

 

Redeleted her off MSN, and surprisingly don't actually feel like contacting her. She is still pursuing the friendship route by the sounds of things from what my mum said.

 

Surely it's too premature to be getting over her? It's only been 10 days NC. I just feel nothing productive will come out of us talking so don't seem to be bothered about what she has to say.

 

My initial reaction was of shock and anxiety, now (15 minutes later) I'm cool... feel like going to the gym!!

 

*NC MAINTAINED SUCCESSFULLY* despite her fishing.

 

Have a nice evening all.

[is2008]

DAY 2 NC (RESTART): Feeling very bad today as I did yesterday. Her contacting has thrown a massive spanner in my healing and I don't know if I'm coming or going.

 

Finding it very hard to understand what is going on, V day is tomorrow still unsure how that is going to pan out but will very happy once it's over and done with.

 

I'm not at square one but probably square two. I keep checking to see if she's online or emailed. Neither at the moment. When/If she emails or comes online I don't have any intention of replying so me sitting her waiting is a pretty fruitless and wasteful exercise.

 

Planned on going to the gym today, didn't do it. I just hope I'm not slipping too far into the abyss, but I'm not myself again. I was getting somewhere til she started to reach out.

 

She mentioned she'd changed her mobile number which is another contradiction to her wanting to sort it out.. perhaps she never had the intention of sorting it out, just to hurt me once more. This time though I played it with dignity and didn't roll over.

 

If she doesn't get in touch tomorrow, it's definitely over but I'm almost 100% certain I will get some form of contact.

[is2008]

DAY 2 NC (POST V DAY): Well after the drama on Valentine's day (posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t265194/) I'm feeling very disturbed and upset. This is the third or fourth time I've restarted NC. Thankfully, the 6 year anniversary (1st Feb) and V day (14th) are both out of the way so I don't have any memorable dates until my birthday (late July).

 

Going through the ebbs and flows that people talk about. Sometimes I'm clear in my mind that I want to move on. I can find plenty of reasons why we shouldn't be. Then when I picture her face, I melt... nothing else seems to matter but wanting to be with her.

 

That said, I daren't dial her number, sign into MSN or check emails in fear of reading/seeing/hearing something hurtful. I'm disciplining my mind.

 

I'm struggling to concentrate at work (I'm writing this during work time) but my evenings are more productive. Sleep is STILL broken after a good month now, I'm just wanting a good night sleep. Going to buy a new mattress and pillow tonight. Maybe that'll help.

 

I don't know which one would be worse... not seeing her around because she lives in the US, or seeing her during the breakup? It just kills to know that someone I shared so many memories with (albeit mostly unhappy) I will never see again.

 

I'm at the stage of constantly running through the last conversation we had. Analysing it in fine detail to figure out what she meant. It was very mixed... I'm not in a good place right now.

 

In the process of slowly trying to reconnect with old friends I've not spoken to in a while, just to catch up. Unfortunately I don't have some of their contact details.

 

Not interested in dating at all. I don't think I would survive a new relationship right now. My ex sounds pretty self destructive and very very toxic. Got to stay away otherwise she'll drag me down with her.

 

What I'm worried about is what'll happen when she does contact next. She will, it's only a matter of time. I start to get anxiety and heavy palpitations, wondering what she's going to say. Maybe I'll just hang up. That sounds like a good solution.

[PowerOfOne]

Hey champ.

 

You're doing the right thing. You may not feel it but you have your head in the right place and you're heading in the right direction. All these things you mentioned I - and many on this board- have been through. So you're not alone.

 

When she calls, and unfortunatly i think you're right - she will, just say "Goodbye ****" and hangup. She's got your work number yeah? Any caller ID? If you can just let it ring out.

 

If it makes you feel any better I think you going strict NC will drive her nuts. She deserves it by the sounds of it.

[is2008]

hey buddy

 

i'm glad to hear i'm on the right path and that others have been in the same place and come out the other end! you're on 3 months NC aren't you? you are healing incredibly well by the sounds of things.

 

i don't have caller ID on the phones so i don't know it's her until she says something, that's when the heart flutters begin and continue if i get into conversation. i'm not even going to give her the courtesy of saying goodbye, i'll just hang up. the thought of her calling is giving me flutters, yikes.

 

she does crave attention and most of all... DRAMA, so going strict NC will drive her crazy but that's not the motive of NC...it's to heal as i've heard so many times, but a little bit of driving her crazy is all good for the ego!

 

how are you? any plans for the week ahead?

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again is2008. i just read the valentines post. all i can say is she is immature. period. you seem to be dealing with someone who likes to play games..see your reaction. she doesn't realize she is playing with fire and playing with feelings. she is going to likely get her feelings hurt someday and its going to make her grow up. its sad . she just doesn't have ANY good relationship skills. you may be attracted to her. may remember that cute smile. may have like her inexperienced innocence. she may drive you crazy and all. BUT, until she grows up you cant possibly expect a meaningful stable relationship. if you could only tell her this... but she wont get the big picture...she is just too immature. maybe if someday if you ever become real friends...then say wow...all that game playing got old and wasn't fun anymore and was hurtful and it really turned me off to you. she will realize it someday. i hope she learns soon. or she will have an unhappy life . 21 is time to start waking up some at least. anyway, the only other option is like you said...strict N/C. and if she keeps insisting contact...just tell her this is too much immaturity for you. that you are NOT judging her...that maybe someone else could put up with her antics...but you're done with it. sorry 1s2008 just thinking out loud here. hope everything else is OK in your life. don't let her intimidate you or infuriate you. youre so much better than that and she isnt all that.

[is2008]

DAY 3: Felt a bit of anxiety when I woke up first thing this morning, they're the most loneliest times of the day (besides weekends), it's when we'd talk on Skype every morning til she stopped waking up on time... then I just got fed up of the chase.

 

Ironically, she called me 3 times on my mobile this morning. I didn't answer any of them. 3 days since the V day drama isn't enough time to change or feel remorse, I think she's craving the drama and attention and if I give into her I'll be back at square one.

 

Some would argue that she can't beg for forgiveness if I don't pick my phone up but I don't think she's genuinely sorry. I know I'm a guy but flowers saying she's sorry wouldn't go amiss as a first step... or something similar. I'm not telling her what I expect though, she'll either do it off her own back because she knows me well enough or she'll give up hope.

 

I read an excellent quote posted by Gator yesterday... “Absence does to love what wind does to fire, it extinguishes the small, and enflames the great.”

 

With that quote in mind, I'm sticking to my guns (stubborn?) and not contacting her until I get some concrete evidence of change. Words are no longer enough.

 

I'm also feeling stronger in my resolve. Part of me feels good knowing that she's actually started to chase (waking up on time and calling me first), after I'd call her 20 times in the morning (that's no exaggeration) to wake her up to talk to me. The tables have turned and I know it's not a game but I don't see what she has to offer me right now for me to pick up the phone.

 

I also have started to stop obsessing over her as much as I used to. The same happened last time I went into NC. Those that are reading and struggling with NC... the first few days are the hardest.

 

Sleep... STILL broken. Broken's not actually the right word for it. At the beginning of the breakup I'd wake up in the middle of the night. Now I sleep through til around 6am and can't go back to sleep. That's been going on for 3 weeks. Bought a new pillow last night, had a very relaxing sleep with it, well worth the £6 I paid for it. Looking forward to that elusive full night of sleep.

 

Also want to take the opportunity to thank three people on here that have been proactive in my breakup/slow recovery. IfiKnewThen, PowerOfOne and Dave560. Thank you for helping me out and your advice

 

SUMMARY: Feeling better, almost good! SCARED TO DEATH of contact. Not sure what's gonna happen or what'll be said, but I'm fearing bad things. As for moving on... entertaining the thoughts of moving on now. Yes it's a shame to give up after 6 years but how much longer would I be putting up with her selfish hurtful attitude? Will she ever change? Or is she wanting me back/contacting so she can go back to how things were before? Am I ready to date? No.