Ian's strict NC log

[PowerOfOne]

People don't really change in the short term. You never know how things will turn out. You walking out of her life might give her a huge wakeup call. Who knows, in a year or two she may have matured and become the person you saw in her that you loved. She also may not. You never know.

 

Point is - Patience. You don't have to feel great today, tomorrow or next week.

 

This is my favorite thread on LS. I think a lot of it is because we have similar outlooks. A lot of what I post is for me as well. Thankyou for the outlet!

 

I'm not ready to date either. I did something silly last weekend, my mate set me up with his sister-in-law. We all had a huge night out and all ended up back at his place at 3am then fooled around a bit. I wasn't really into her, but I didn't stop it from happening... She was a few years older than me (i'm 27 she was 31) and she was making it clear she was looking for something more than I had to give. Don't know if things are going to be awkward with my mate and his wife now. Silly thing to do really, not proud of it.

[is2008]

PowerOfOne I feel honoured that this thread is your favourite and that you see similarities in the way we think. Just goes to show how similar break ups are and the thought process that goes into them.

 

Our stories are slightly different in that both of you have maintained NC for 3 months, whereas the dumper in mine wants to continue contacting. Purpose? Unsure.

 

Wouldn't it be ideal if her wake up call began right now and she started to bust a gut to win me over? That's me fantasising about the relationship again, something I said I wouldn't do!

 

The reason I'm so nervous about contact is because I'm unsure what she'll say. Is she going to cook up a story, or is she going to tell me she's kissed someone? That would really break my heart... but then she wouldn't go to all the effort to wake up at 1am US time, 7am UK time to tell me that (our usual talk time) or would she?

 

Also I gave her my mobile number so she didn't pester me on the work number... my bosses are metres away from my desk. So she called on my mobile, she knows though, if she calls without good reason, I'll change it. Hmmm... perhaps I'm dropping my guard a little too much in the hope of reconciliation.

 

Truth be told, I won't survive too many phone calls without wanting to pick up...

 

Don't worry about what happened over the weekend. She clearly let it happen too and then told you she was after more than you could offer. Brush it off as experience talking to women. Can do no harm. I'm not ready to talk to any women in any other way than friends.

[PowerOfOne]

Our stories are different. But I find that I can very much relate to what you've been feeling. Even though our story is different, it does show that there is a lot of common ground.

 

I don't know if i count myself lucky that she hasn't contacted me. It does sting a little bit that it shifted so quickly. One day in a relationship with 'I love you' and the rest, then nothing, not a text, not a call, email etc. Nothing. Would be nice to know she's thinking of me. Moving on is moving on i suppose. Last thing I'd want is for her to be stringing me along.

 

I think your ex is getting a bit of a kick out of contacting you. She clearly does not understand how you are feeling. She may have checked out and can't understand why you haven't maybe?

 

To me the point of NC is to eliminate any hurt an ex may directly or indirectly inflict on us. If you do decide to answer a call, be cautious. The second you feel in your gut that what she's saying is going to throw you - get out. If you feel like your being friendzoned - get out.

Edited February 17, 2011 by PowerOfOne

[is2008]

I can imagine it stinging. I'm sure intitially (and maybe even now) you have so many questions. Namely what is she doing now? Why hasn't she contacted?

 

I think it's best you don't know and you live your life to the fullest. Any crumbs of info will set you back as it's done to many in the past.

 

I'm not sure if she has checked out? Maybe, maybe not. I'm getting very mixed messages from her that's for sure. I do not intend to be friendzoned whatsoever, and I'm very very anxious about talking to her. Presumably I'm going to hear crumbs, gonna be upsetting. That's why I'm so nervous answering in the first place.

[dave560]

Glad to hear you are on the right track Ian. Imagine ignoring her phone calls a week ago?! I think you know where you need to be, and you are getting there.

 

I know exactly what you mean by being scared to death of contact, even though part of me would love to her here come grovelling back, I think that would put me back so much as I have already decided that there is more to life than this person who wasn't right for me. It is also unlikely she will do this anyway.

 

It definitely sounds like this person is playing games with you. It seems pretty clear she revels in having power and influence over you, even in the break-up by still having the power over you made her secure in some respect, as the status quo remained.

 

Now she is realising a whole new reality of you not caring, about her or the relationship it is likely very unsettling for her, as she has lost control over you and what you are seeing is in my opinion her trying to grab it back. So you are definitely making good decisions at the moment, so keep strong.

 

I am curious though, say she did everything in her power to get back with you, including flying over to the UK to visit and a 5 page handwritten apology, would you take her back?

[is2008]

Well Dave I eventually gave in on the fifth phone call.... She said she needed to speak to me about something important.

 

So we spoke, she said she wanted to get back together. After much reluctance I said okay lets get back together. She then told me she had something important to tell me... She's P with my C... yikes.

 

Obviously I was shocked and confused. She then started having a go at me, as usual about everything under the sun, my reaction was s h i t etc. I was shocked!! We'd been broken up 2 months and on LC/NC for some of that with lots of bitterness.

 

Obviously she breaks up with me again and said she'll deal with the "situation" herself. I said I was man enough to marry her and provide for her in the UK. She wasn't having any of it.

 

I'm wondering whether this is another one of her stories again. Rest assured, if this does turn out to be a story, I'm changing my number and going back to NC, but I need to be sure.

 

I found great strength today from somewhere. I explained how I DIDN'T want to be with her anymore because her attitude sucked, how I would date again eventually etc. She was taken aback a bit. Also, I finally realised how to deal with an attention seeker...

 

She said she was making a new career move. I said what is that then? She goes I'm not telling you... I said okay then never mind. Moments later she told me off her own back BINGO!

 

As for your question, if she did everything in her power to get me back, like flying out to me and a handwritten apology... yes I would take her back PROVIDED she'd remained single.

 

I'm her first everything, and the moment she strays away is the moment ANY hope of reconciliation dies.

 

In the meantime, I cannot and will not put my life on hold. If I meet Miss Right, I will date her... when I'm ready!

[is2008]

18th Feb: Had the WORST night sleep in a long time after last night's revelation.

 

I dreamt very vividly that we got back together (first dream of her since the break up) and we were taking things slowly. I woke up several times during the night thinking and now want her back badly for some reason.

 

To top it all off, she called me at 6.30am this morning and we had a really cute chat for the majority of it, just like we used to. Blew kisses down the phone, had a nice chat...

 

She's having a blood test later to find out if she is pregnant. She said she doesn't want to be. I said are we a couple, she said she doesn't know and won't know until the results of the blood test. I said I want you to be with me for me, not because you might be pregnant.

 

I'm really really confused right now. I said today would be decision day for the relationship. I can't keep letting her set me back like this but on the other hand I'd LOVE to be a happy family... but for the right reasons.

 

Oh well, will know for sure later on.

[PowerOfOne]

Wow. This story just took a turn....

 

I bet you're confused! I remember waiting 5 minutes for a pregnency test. That was long enough. Let alone waiting for a blood test. And from a (sort of) ex. I'm pretty confused as well as to your status...

 

Why is it that everytime you post here after having a conversation with her you're more confused than before? I don't think I could take it! It went a week from my ex saying 'this aren't really going well, I don't know if this is going to work' etc etc to us breaking up. What a terrible week that was. Let alone months.

 

I suppose you're going to have to wait for the results to make a decision on what you want to do. But for you're own sake you've got to get a decision out of her. Is she for it or not? You deserve to be with someone that knows. Unsure is as good as no. And I think you should make her realise that. But that's something for after you get the results.

[is2008]

PowerOfOne... yes this story has taken a turn indeed! Can't say if it's a good turn or a bad turn at the moment but the bloods later should reveal all. It's an instant result, so tonight I'll know.

 

With your post in mind (and my own mindset) I'm not taking an unsure from her. I don't want to pressure her for a decision because if she is pregnant, I don't want to come across as a d i c k but with that said, if she decides to terminate it, I could never forgive her.

 

It really is down to her though and what she wants. Either she'll want to reconcile or she won't. One things for sure, I'm not begging for her back and I don't want anything less than her best. I've been hearing a lot of I don't knows from her, and if she is pregnant, she'll need to grow up very quickly and know even quicker.

 

Any plans for the weekend?

[PowerOfOne]

I hope it all works out mate. Which ever way it goes.

 

Lazy friday night at home tonight. All the usual people I'd catch up with on a Friday night have got other plans. I felt a bit crappy about tha earlier, but at the same time it's been a long week and I couldn't face a big night out. House hunting tomorrow then a quiz night tomorrow night with friends which will be cool. Meet new people, apparently one of the girls on our table is pretty cute. If nothing else it'll be good to have something nice to look at.

 

What about you?

[is2008]

Sounds good mate. A bit of eye candy for you You may even feel brave enough to have a chat!

 

My weekends going to be dictated by what I hear tonight. If it's a false alarm it's back to NC. Not being friendzoned. If it's not a false alarm, it'll be serious conversations about the future. Not ideal having a child seperated by the Atlantic ocean!!

[PowerOfOne]

No that's certainly not ideal... You'll have to have a good chat about it if it goes that way.

 

I definatly would have had a chat. Thing is I just found out that she's 50% deaf! The quiz night is a fundraiser for her (deaf) netball team to fly over east for some comp. Could be a match made in heaven. I'm not a big talker. Haha.

 

Maybe I should learn how to 'sign' my name.

[is2008]

DAY 0.5 NC (RESTART - FINAL TIME): So here goes. We spoke before she went to the doctor for her blood test and it was along the lines of (but not directly said this way) if she is pregnant, we'll get back together, otherwise she'll think about it.

 

The results came, and it appears she was, but lost it. She said she didn't even realise she'd lost it... she seemed upset. My best friend and brother reckon it's another one of her stories to initiate contact. I have no proof of this blood test. I personally think she's telling the truth, however she didn't seem distraught and has gone into work today, as she did yesterday after the results.... makes me suspicious.

 

Anyhow, we spoke again this morning because I was concerned for her (thinking she may need emotional support) and she appreciated the call but it seemed more on a friends level than partners. I reiterated that I refused to be her friend and asked her what we were?

 

She said, "Whatever you want us to be". I replied "It depends on what YOU want us to be". So she said I'll be your girlfriend then. I said okay. She said "I'm going to be testing you now" as if I'd done something majorly wrong.

 

I told her I wanted a brand new relationship with her full of love and compromise... moments later after she heard all this, she did a big U turn and said we should be friends and that's all I can offer you It just sounded like she wanted a big ego stroke from me and wasn't prepared to do anything to fix the relationship. In the space of 5 minutes, she made up with me and broke up with me. That's the second time she's done that in two days.

 

One thing in the story I forgot to mention is that after her being late for every single occasion we'd agreed for 2 whole months AND going on about all these different guys (stories or truth) I decided I was fed up with the hurt and I texted my ex that she hates. Obviously I told her, and my ONE misdemeanour is apparantly worse than ALL hers put together and she reckons she'll never be able to trust me again. I told her she was being very unfair. I don't know what you guys think?

 

Anyhow, I ended the conversation saying I didn't want to be friends nor a bf for 5 minutes and left. Changed my mobile number again so she can't call. Lines of communication are at a minimum. Work number is her best option now.

 

Do I want to go back to her? I dunno. It's always her way or the high way.

[dave560]

Hi Ian hope you're doing better now.

 

She dumped you and you texted an ex and this is an issue?

 

I could write a lot on this but I think it would boil down to this:

 

This girl is crazy crazy crazy. You have dodged one massive bullet. Jettison her from your life and disregard all further contact. She has no idea what she wants, and has obviously little regard for your happiness.

[is2008]

hi dave

 

i hope your weekend is going well and you're coping well. i'm really struggling, i always do for the first 48-72 hours after contact but i know after that period things will settle down.

 

yes she did dump me, i texted my ex 1 month after the breakup, with no intention of reigniting anything just to catch up really. i was labelled a "cheater".

 

you've hit the nail on the head when you say she doesn't know what she wants. she openly tells me she doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship with me or not. it's really hitting home why NC is so important for healing and (sad to say) second chances. i'm like a mouse to cheese in a trap, the temptation is too great who gives a damn if i get hurt?!

 

it's unfortunate that i really don't see a future with anyone else but this girl (at the moment) which is why i have left the door open for reconciliation. whilst that is okay in my warped mind, i need to be a LOT stricter about the ground rules for reconciliation. a simple phone call is not enough.

 

i'm a weakling.

[IfiKnewThen]

ok.....wow...hey how are you is2008!! : )

 

i just got back from a mini vacation/time out to see my nieces and i got caught up reading your posts. wheww . i feel for you is2008;). you have your hands full! of course all i have is opinions, not perfect answers,.. but as i was reading all of this..it was my opinion..she was...(sighs this is hard to say)..grasping at straws and ..fabricating the pregnancy. now of course i could be wrong. but i really believe in my heart of hearts...she didnt want to come back groveling to you, so she might have thought up the pregnancy thing to reel you back in again. she kinda knows how to push your buttons. this is good and bad. good that she knows certain things about you, but BAD that she is NOTTTT handling that responsibly.

 

once again...i think she is majorly insecure. i think she is used to having your emotions for her where she wants them and when they get threatened (in her mind in any way that makes HER feel insecure) she makes it her business to put you in the insecure position. i have a feeling youre a real nice guy ..(AND PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT EVER CHANGE THAT OR LET ANYONE MAKE YOU CYNICAL, youre NOT sucker nice, youre just nice) but i think she might take a wee bit advantage of that, whenever she thinks she has a reason to be insecure.

 

i think as soon as she feels insecure with you (by perhaps something like if you dont agree with her on a matter) she then instantly tries to make you feel insecure. this, in her mind, puts her in a false sense of being "back in control". i think she really does like you. might even love you (the ONLY love she understands or knows how to give) but that her false insecurities (when she thinks she is losing your interest or attention) and immaturity keeps making her "TEST your love for her. this time, i think she was very frightened she was losing you all together through N/C and your resolve to be treated fairly, and then perhaps she pulled out all the stops and tried to reel you back in emotionally. (again this is ONLY a guess).

do i think she is trying to hurt you on purpose? no not really. i dont think she is mentally or emotionally equipped to realize she is sabotaging her own happiness by being with you, with her false insecurities and with her methods of games with trying to "bring back" a guy she hasnt lost to begin with. then when she is "really losing you" she is too proud to say dont go and brings you back with emitional stories.

 

she sounds very immature and sounds like she thinks that if she compromises in a relationship or admits shes wrong then she will feel more vulnerable and feels a guy wont want her. it seems she doesnt realize , guys like a chase but not a hassel. and she doesnt realize its ok and even attractive to admit when she is wrong and "GIVE in some" and i think she acts all strong and gives you all these scenarios (definitely made up stories) to see how truly strong you are, and how willing your are to put up with her and how far you will go for her. she is trying to make you "insecure and jealous". if you are insecure and jealous in her mind......she feels you will continue to pursue her and you wont be "too sure" of yourself or get cocky. why you ask? because she is insecure. she knows your are around the other side of the world. she also knew (as insecure as she was) that you really feel for her and she loved that. at first she thought she could slack off and you would still "be there". so she was late for phone calls and skype. but you on the receiving end of all of this (although intrigued and in pursuing mode) got tired of all this fun of living on the edge with her and her being late, etc. so you got fed up with her break ups and games and went n/c...l/c. this was out of character for you (or so she thought) and she freaked out and had to try to reel you back into her life again, without her apolizing because she thought this would be a losing proposition for her and you would have the upper hand and she would then feel vulnerable again. the only time she feels comfortable is when you are insecure and wanting her.

 

she is playing a dangerous game. she is going to lose someone (you) that she probably really cares about, but doesn't have a clue to relationship skills. i dont think she is trying to hurt you, but if it keeps you insecure and not her insecure...she takes this method. she doesnt realize that workable realtionships is when no one is insecure and both are secure that one loves the other.

 

or she is a completely nutz lol . lets hope not. anyway that's just my take on it from my disadvantage point.

 

she is not ready at all for a relationship. and NOT because she doesnt care about you..but because she is lacking relationship skills big time. she has attraction....may be cute and even fun but NO skills of truly communicating and getting further ahead with someone. she sabatoges her own happiness. thats just my guess. only time and maturity will chance this trait. (if i am correct)

 

well hang in there. if she did have a miscarriage i am sorry. but i kinda really wonder at this point. its probably best if you don't get this girl pregnant. as i am sure you already realize. the immaturity on her part, the distance, the uncertainty. the whole gamete is not good ingrediants for parenting and marriage.

 

anyway thank you for the thank you in your preivous post back there. and there is no reason to thank : ). we are all here for one another, and God willing can help matters not hurt them. keep strong and most of all keep your kind good nature. you can still be strong and good natured and love her..and still do whats best for you.

 

take care God bless.

[is2008]

hey ifiknewthen! i hope you enjoyed your time out to see your neices! bet you were glad to get away from everything!

 

i'm really glad you've given me a female slant on what you think could be happening and i'd say you were right in everything you've written in your post.

 

it appears to be all about manipulation. how she can manipulate me and the situation to best suit her and her needs. it's very very hurtful and i'm not in a good place at all right now.

 

lateness has always been a dealbreaker/major turn off for me and she's always been like this with me. she's never late for any other occasion, just ones that involve me. i never got the thrill of chasing, and it got tiresome very quickly.

 

the girl has lost her sweet innocence and she just seems to want to do everything in her power to cling onto the power she has over me. she likes to make up and break up with me just to reinforce the fact that she can have me whenever she wants.

 

so to continue the log.. i'm on day 1 of NC.

 

I spoke to her yesterday morning because i thought she'd be upset so i'm not counting that as day 1 NC.

 

today... all i've done is obsessively look at her screen name on msn all day. and i mean all day. i'm moping around in my bed (it's 2pm and i woke up at 8am) waiting/hoping she'd appear online to show me she at least cares.

 

i'm battling with my mind too today. i just cannot accept how two people on this earth who shared so much are going to live parallel lives which may never meet. how and why can someone who claims to love me play these games with my mind and emotions?

 

isn't life short enough as it is to be playing these mind games?

 

i'm also wondering if she's out there being all happy with her friends/family whilst i'm sat here thinking about her and obsessing. she just doesn't seem to give a damn unless it's been 3+ days NC.

 

sometimes she says she's not "ready" to be committed to me, other times she says she will never marry me... sometimes she says she loves me. i don't get it, and it's a serious mind f***. to top it all off she says that we've tried to seperate before but we always come back to one another. rest assured, if i eventually get over this, i won't go back again. she's dragging me through hell right now.

 

i am getting anxiety too. why isn't she showing up online? there's something about her that i find so attractive. her cute american accent, her looks... she knows she drives me crazy, she just has way too much power over me and i don't know how to regain it.

 

another thing that p i s s e s me off is her flirtacious nature. there's a line between friendliness and flirtaciousness and i think she oversteps it when she's talking to guys. therefore, she gives off the wrong impressions and gets asked out a bit. THAT really annoys me, if she was more reserved, she'd not give off the wrong signals. grrrr.

 

SUMMARY: I'm in a rut.

[IfiKnewThen]

hey is2008. sorry you're going thru all of this. . i dont have the female take on it. it just seemed like the insecure young female, playing games take perhaps.

 

i know what you mean about looking to see if someone comes online. who knows maybe she suspects that now and is in invisible mode, looking for you too, on there. just keep moving forward..like you were doing before. good that youre on day 1 again. thats all you can do if shes not a cooperative partner, in getting this relationship back on track in a loving way. hang in there.

[is2008]

thanks for your reply ifiknewthen. i am absolute wreck today, just came back from the gym. was there for no more than 10 minutes before my anxiety took over and i wanted to be back home.

 

now that i am home, i'm online again checking my msn. it's not that i want to even talk to her... well i do but i just want to see her online just to show some concern after which i can block and delete her and sign out completely.

 

but without seeing her online i can't manage to gather the strength to do it.

 

i am a mess.

[IfiKnewThen]

i understand what youre saying. its like if you see her you can at least put to rest she is looking for you. apparently she only uses that account to see if youre on..etc. (sounds like). and if you see her peaking it means she cares. it means she not with her head somewhere else. then you can get peace of mind and block /delete her. and perhaps you feel as long as you dont see her you feel more inclined to look until something gives. in other words...how long will it take for her to miss you, think of you. i think she is feeling that anyway. she might be invisible. are you set to invisible. shes been so crafty and clever , its really conceivable she is hiding and camping out waiting to see you. you cant know for certain. if and when you do see her. ..then please try for your own sake to move forward without looking. or maybe give yourself a deadline to stop looking. in one week...youre done looking. i think she wants to keep you long distance..but doesnt want long distance...or its really not practical for her long distance and she cant move there so wants to keep options open over there too till shes over you, herself. miles between you are so hard . so hard to keep stability, consistency and really know whats going on. .

[IfiKnewThen]

ps sorry for my long post. this is your n/c log. its good to just vent here. you dont always want fed back . i need to learn to make a short story short

 

hehe

[is2008]

you got it in one...you seem to understand me so well. i can only feel at peace when i know she's looking for me. i am on invisible, i always am, i don't want her to know i'm pining over her... not trying to be clever. she knows if there's any hope i'll appear online is if she appears online first.

 

i'm so confused trying to figure out what she really wants. neither of us want the distance but that's just the way it is. it's been that way for 6 years.. at least for the first 6 months we were in the same country.

 

i'm pretty certain she'll sign in by the end of the day if not, tomorrow but today is my own personal deadline. i cannot carry on like this for a whole week, i'm seriously hurting myself right now... i feel different emotions, anger, sadness, despair, neediness so much.

 

how are you coping?

[is2008]

i really appreciate and need the feedback!

[IfiKnewThen]

hi is2008 i am ok thank you. i ddint do so good this thursday and friday. i went on my trip to see family and got all teary and choked up in the car. music taking me back...thoughts...the realization everything is different now...got really sad and cried. the feeling of this is my life now? etc etc.

 

the thing is i allowed myself to feel sad. i told myself to ride the wave. i allowed myself to be sad and feel it and not run from it for2 days. i am i usually sad since my left turned upside down, but i dont fully go into the pain..but this time..i let myself feel the full pain and realization that this person is indeed out of my life.. so that i could get thru it. i remember what i had read about just not getting "stuck" in one emotion, but to feel them all because its part of the healing process and better not to run from it. but you have to balance it. and move on o the next feeling. and its ok if it goes back and forth...your mind body and system is trying to work itself out and get back on track so you can cope. feeling and then pulling back the feeling after a day or two, and then tried to make myself feel stronger and more hopeful in life (somehow). and its kind of a double edged sword for me because i have a medical illness/disability, which when i cry or get all angry and upset, exacerbates my condition. so stress is not good for my illness/condition. but bottling up feelings and emotions are not healthy either. so its a really genuine balancing act. so the key word here is balance for me all around. anyway enough about me. i had my cry and felt sad all weekend but then shifted it with all that was in me to feeling hopeful about my life again, so not to overwhelm myself. i pray a lot too. oh boy there goes another long answer. yikes!!!

 

anyway they really say its perfectly normal to feel all the gamete of emotions like youre feeling. again, experience it and ride the wave and just dont let it consume you for any serious length of time and shift into another emotion. really that book mars and venus starting over is decent in its message. trying that princple.

 

its ok to wonder where you stand with someone. your not thru that part. so theres the emotion and feelings of hope that rise up inside of you. she hasnt said get lost and dont come back or got married, etc. so mixed in all these emotions you have which you mentioned...anger, sadness, despair, neediness so much, still lies hope, as well as one of the emotions.

 

what was the game plan with the two of you. was it for anyone to ever move to be with the other? anything? just dont i remember that, if i read that before in your thread.

 

try maybe to get out to a movie..like an action movie or something. give your mind a rest. then absorb and go thru the process again. eventually you will somehow adjust to these feelings and they God willing wont be so painful anymore...and will eventually peter out in a proper place you can live with in the future. your doing a great job so give yourself a lot of credit. this is not easy for ANY of us on here. thats why we came here. its a tool we use for getting to a better place mentally and emotionally and we are all human.....every man and woman here. you help others on here and have a good head on your shoulders. you have have bad days and some better than others. you have to ride the waves..come into land..go easy on yourself. someday the waters will be still again..less turbulent.

[is2008]

ifiknewthen - music is a powerful trigger for me too. there's a few songs i avoid like the plague. i just flat out refuse to listen to them.. problem is they're really good songs!

 

you seem quite disciplined in letting your emotions come and riding it out. think you've got the right idea there... but it's sad that it exacerbates your medical condition... lets hope you get to a good place soon where you're not crying.

 

the game plan for us... well, the LDR situation never actually allowed us to meet up for years... she moved to 2 different countries since living in the UK. one of them was dangerous to visit.

 

it was basically a relationship built on skype and MSN. well, the situation finally arose after about 5 years since our last meet in December 2010. I flew out to the US to see her for a week. things went fantastic. i was into her, she was into me. we had a big chat about compromise and her inability to be on time for me (big recurring problem). she agreed to be on time because she knew it'd really f up our relationship after we'd had such a good time.

 

fast forward to the firstopportunity she gets after i get back from the US... she's late. i phone her and she doesn't pick up. it was heartbreaking, it really was.

 

this is why i'm finding it so hard to get over her... it's only been 2 months since we last saw each other after years. i feel this big connection and attraction to her. we'd agreed to meet up again in feb for valentine's day. that was the day i was going to propose to her.

 

some would argue she wasn't that into me. she was, i know she was. i'd never have imagined it being over so soon after meeting up. my own personal opinion on the matter is she knew that it would f up our relationship by being late and she doesn't know how to undo the damage and instead of apologising to me, she made the situation worse with her stories and she's offering a friendship to keep me in her life.

 

anyhow, Day 2 NC... i had my first cry last night away from my ex. i have cried in front of my ex because she knows how to pull my emotional heart strings but this was the first cry since the break up. i thought i was unable to cry... i felt better afterwards and had a drive around with my sister.

 

she never did come online last night, my limit was 9.25pm, i'd spent all day waiting and she never appeared. i blocked/deleted and changed the password. only my sister can access the account now.

 

i can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking it is spending 6 years with someone for them to give you serious mixed messages. one minute she said i should move on, that she's trying to fix me up with her friend (not sure if this is true or not) and the next that she loves me and that we've tried to split up before but we always get back together... and that is true.

 

that's what's leaving me in limbo. i don't have a straight answer. a definitive one because she doesn't know what she wants. one thing for sure is that she's lost her sweet innocence that made me so attracted to her. i feel bitter that she's doing this to us and that her effort levels are 0.

 

they say you don't know what you've got until you lose it. is that what it's going to take for her to realise that i wasn't actually that bad a bf? i just don't think she appreciates how difficult it is to find someone that you share a deep bond with. she's only ever dated me. unfortunately i've made it clear if she wanders elsewhere, to never come back to me.

 

i feel better today but still not great. i am very bitter that she isn't apologising for her mistakes post US trip and that she isn't fighting for me or bothering to look for me. but i know it's only a matter of time before she does start, by which time, i hope i resist temptation.