Ian's strict NC log

[PowerOfOne]

IfIKnewThen - Sorry to hear about your friend. Thinking of you and her...

 

Ian, let it all out mate. Do what you need to let it out. It it perfectly fine to feel like rubbish for a while! You wouldn't be human if you didn't.

 

I remember hitting the wall after what normally would have been a great night. Going out with friends, meeting new people, acheiving something. It sort of drives home that your SO isn't apart of it anymore and you miss them. I didn't really have anything to tackle that. But as with everything else, eventually you'll find that those feelings don't come up. But it takes time and a few of those 'events' before you are desensitised to it I suppose.

[is2008]

PwrOO... good to see you online

 

Thanks mate for your words of encouragement, they're appreciated. It was really disheartening to cry after being around new female company. I didn't cry in front of them mind... I'm ready for this desensitisation you're talkin' about!!

 

I didn't have any trouble talking to the girls though, in fact I felt most comfortable out of all the guys there, but also sorta felt like I was cheating?

 

Anyhow, I think I'm finally starting to sleep through the night. Certainly on Saturday I slept at 11pm and woke up at 7.15am which I'd consider a good night but will need to judge the days ahead for any significant breakthrough. I think I'm around 2 months into the breakup anyway, could be a little more or less.

 

My sister's flown out today to NY with school. Feel kinda sad that she's going to the US so close after I went for the first time but she's also been a massive part of my support system... she needs a break!!

 

Thankfully I think I'll manage without her. Got a few people in my support system that have been kind enough to listen.

 

How did your weekend go? Any news on the girl in the lift

[PowerOfOne]

Had an alright weekend. Decided to walk back to my car instead of catching the train from work. Took me about an hour but it was nice. Probably do it again this friday. Good way of getting my 30 mins of excercise a day.

 

Haven't seen lift girl in a while. It's a pretty slim chance that of all the lifts i jump into that she'll be on the way down as well. But we'll see.

 

Meeting new people is a good way of moving on. I figure eventually I'll meet that someone. It's all in the percentages! Surely that's the way it goes...

[is2008]

WHAT a distressing 2 days

 

One thing I'm going to say is be careful what you wish for... No more than 10 minutes after this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t267174/ she called me at work as if by magic/fate/destiny... whatever.

 

Well things were very distressing and confusing. I asked her what she was phoning for and she said "not a relationship" she cared for me and wanted to make sure I was still alive. I reiterated what I wanted and she said she wanted to move on and I now firmly believe this is the case. Mid way through the convo I just hung up. She said she really missed my voice but wanted me around as a good friend.

 

Well my raging emotions couldn't prevent me calling her back in the evening (through a newly created Skype account) and we had a very very long conversation. I finally got closure, she admitted she was scared of getting married but unfortunately blamed me for everything when I know the majority if not all of the mishaps during this 2 month period have been her fault. She is immune to criticism... it just doesn't wash with her. Yes I have made my mistakes prior to this and hold myself accountable for them.

 

She made it clear she doesn't want a relationship from me, and in fact was prepared to move on in due course, but not right now. This is what hurt the most. All the time I'd invested and she was prepared to throw it away. Ouch.

 

But cue the mixed messages. During the conversation we had in the evening, we both started behaving like a couple. It all went to pot when she said you need to move on and find someone new. The whole evening ended on a sour note with her name calling me etc. It's one rule for her, and another for me. I'm not allowed to do anything to jepordise the relationship we have whether we're together or not but she has free reign to do whatever.

 

Well she was online in the morning, and at first I said to myself this has to be day 1 NC again so don't contact but unfortunately I caved in again. I asked for a final answer, whether we'd ever marry, she said never. I said then please please don't get in touch with me or my family again, it'll take me a while to get over you. She replied "ok"... we both ended the convo with I love you (she said it first) and I said it back.

 

The Skype account has now been closed and for some reason I feel extreme calm after being so agitated and anxious for the past two days. Whether that's because I've spoken to her this morning or whether it's because I've got closure and finality. I hope it's the latter but fear it's the former. I did get a mini jolt in the heart when I recalled the final words (I love you) but other than that I feel alright. I just feel she chose her final words to keep that hold over me emotionally, and I fell for the trap.

 

When I do think about her for a prolonged period of time in my mind... like how she looks, how she dresses, I do get this strange feeling through my body, like my skin is crawling coupled with palpitations. A situation I must avoid.

[is2008]

So I spoke to her last a few days ago now. Not counting the days NC anymore... I just know I'm in NC, it's irrelevant how long it's been.

 

Feeling better and my recovery time between periods of contact (that she thrusts upon me) are shorter. A good sign.

 

I've also come to the conclusion that the reason she contacts is that she can't deal with the reality of the situation... that we will never speak again. Well I've respected her decision that she doesn't want a relationship, she must not respect my decision that I don't want a friendship with her, ever.

 

She still is on my mind 24/7, my sleep is still very broken but I'm hopeful and I'm beginning to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I've finally accepted she isn't coming back and that it is over now. A turning point in my healing because I can concentrate on me, do what I want with whoever I want without the guilt of whether she approves or not.

 

Made some new friends over the weekend and keeping in touch with them to forge a closer friendship.. new crowd = new opportunties. Trying to get hold of old friends that I've lost contact with too.

 

I'm slowly starting to replace everything around me too that even remotely reminds me of her even down to the face wash I use!! I need a clean break, a fresh start and if it means replacing everything and redecorating my room then so be it.

 

Been hitting the gym every single day this week so far, going again tonight. I need every endorphin/happy hormone/chemical my body can produce to help me get through this. It also occupies my evenings too instead of being in my bedroom alone.

 

Been taking St Johns Wort too to boost my serotonin levels...whether it's all in the mind or whether they're working, I don't know but something's happening.

 

I'm determined to get myself through this now. This is the hardest breakup of my life and I need to take control. I know my triggers, and how to avoid them.

 

I last looked at her photo yesterday, from today onwards I'm not looking. The next time she calls, I'm not going to give her an opportunity to say anything, I'll hang up. As for reconciliation, I don't see it happening now... she'd literally have to bang my door down, but will she? No, she's too damn proud and (a very english term) up her own arse.

 

Whether this is temporary or prolonged strength I feel like the incredible hulk right now!!

[PowerOfOne]

Good stuff buddy!

 

Don't feel bad about hanging up on her. You've given her so many chances to actually talk about things and clear the air. But it seems she just continues to string you along.

 

The last couple of days I've seen what NC does to a dumper. And they don't like it one bit! Especially when they get an ego boost out of keeping up the contact! I promise you, if you disapear from her life, drop off the face of the planet and look at things to improve yourself - she'll go stir crazy. Not that you should do it for that reason at all, but it's a nice little bonus.

 

And I'm not saying you need to change for someone else. But a breakup is a good catalyst for some things. Like going to the gym!

 

Keep it up mate!

[is2008]

PwrOO

 

It's good of you to post on my thread. I trust you're keeping well and out of mischief!

 

I actually posted a new reply whilst you were writing yours!

 

I have noticed the effects of NC on the dumper too. Obviously not every situation is the same but it does send mine crazy knowing that I'm not chasing her whatsoever. I can live with that bonus I do however feel as though she won't contact again because I said I'd get the sack if she kept calling (not strictly true).

 

Any updates on your life or situation? My most recent post is below.

 

 

 

 

So I spoke to her last a few days ago now. Not counting the days NC anymore... I just know I'm in NC, it's irrelevant how long it's been.

 

Feeling better and my recovery time between periods of contact (that she thrusts upon me) are shorter. A good sign.

 

I've also come to the conclusion that the reason she contacts is that she can't deal with the reality of the situation... that we will never speak again. Well I've respected her decision that she doesn't want a relationship, she must not respect my decision that I don't want a friendship with her, ever.

 

She still is on my mind 24/7, my sleep is still very broken but I'm hopeful and I'm beginning to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I've finally accepted she isn't coming back and that it is over now. A turning point in my healing because I can concentrate on me, do what I want with whoever I want without the guilt of whether she approves or not.

 

Made some new friends over the weekend and keeping in touch with them to forge a closer friendship.. new crowd = new opportunties. Trying to get hold of old friends that I've lost contact with too.

 

I'm slowly starting to replace everything around me too that even remotely reminds me of her even down to the face wash I use!! I need a clean break, a fresh start and if it means replacing everything and redecorating my room then so be it.

 

Been hitting the gym every single day this week so far, going again tonight. I need every endorphin/happy hormone/chemical my body can produce to help me get through this. It also occupies my evenings too instead of being in my bedroom alone.

 

Been taking St Johns Wort too to boost my serotonin levels...whether it's all in the mind or whether they're working, I don't know but something's happening.

 

I'm determined to get myself through this now. This is the hardest breakup of my life and I need to take control. I know my triggers, and how to avoid them.

 

I last looked at her photo yesterday, from today onwards I'm not looking. The next time she calls, I'm not going to give her an opportunity to say anything, I'll hang up. As for reconciliation, I don't see it happening now... she'd literally have to bang my door down, but will she? No, she's too damn proud and (a very english term) up her own arse.

 

Whether this is temporary or prolonged strength I feel like the incredible hulk right now!!

[PowerOfOne]

I'm doing good. Work has been flat out lately. Always keeping out of mischeif.

 

I've been a bit slack in the working out dept. I did a bit in the few months after the breakup but at the moment when i get home i just want to crash out for a while. And once i've relaxed it's very hard to get up and get my arse moving again.

 

Once things settle down I'm going to make an effort to hit it again. I lost a bit of weight post breakup as well and I'm finding it hard to put some of that back on.

 

I think she'll still try and call, regardless of the risk of getting you fired. She might think that 5 minutes once a week won't matter. Be prepared for that.

 

Lining up any plans for the weekend?

[is2008]

That's exactly what happens with me. Any relaxation at home after work = no gym!! Gotta change our ways buddy.

 

To be fair, I think she'll call too. She has no other way of contacting me. I've just got to hang up straight away now.

 

No plans for the weekend as yet but will be making some soon! What about you?

[PowerOfOne]

Say something like "Hey look! A truck reversing!" then hang up. Beep Beep Beep. Haha

 

Ummm, I've got a house warming on Friday night and Saturday night a suprise birthday party. Monday is a public holiday! Yay!

[is2008]

Say something like "Hey look! A truck reversing!" then hang up. Beep Beep Beep. Haha

 

Ummm, I've got a house warming on Friday night and Saturday night a suprise birthday party. Monday is a public holiday! Yay!

 

Haha glad you've got a sense of humour during this tough time I think I'll stick to my idea thanks!

 

Sounds like you've got a busy weekend, hope it goes well for you. Could be an opportunity to meet someone new!

[IfiKnewThen]

OMG :-O

 

what is going on around here? all these posts and i didnt get a notice from LS on any one of them:confused:

 

i had no idea is2008. sheesh. i just got done reading all the posts here and catching up. it even looked like you started a new post!

 

anyway, wow. ugh i hate when dumpers call to check up. there might have been more to it also. i still cant help feeling she cares but doesn't think the distance can work, wants to keep her options open, and so tries to string you along. (just in case) BUT i know she is saying "find another girlfriend", but if you actually did, she would go nuts.

 

i think you handled it good. you are human and did what most of us would have done... picked up the phone. cant blame you AT ALL for hanging up on her either. i know most would pick up the phone, to get a sense of things and whats going on and as you said to get closure. i know you wanted it to be friendly , but that you are not prepared to be just a friend. they are two very different things. but when shes cold and "unfriendly" and detached as to what you feel, anyone would hang up. frustrations mount in these situations. it's sooo understandable.

 

its real good you got to know her real intentions too, when you spoke of marriage and asked if she would ever marry you. you did get your answer. if she is playing games about it, that will be her fault...and her loss. she better have meant what she said, because she is telling you there is no future. and if she's playing game, she blew it. it's hard to sometimes discern what she is thinking or up to.

 

on the other hand, she doesn't deserve to know you would still consider marrying her. and since there has been a break up and N/C, maybe if she ever calls again, it's best not to show her that card. (your emotions, that you love her enough to even consider marrying her). but again the flip side to that is you did find out she is not wanting to go in that direction with you.

but i wouldnt speak of marriage again with her. clearly she is not ready one way or the other. (not that you will speak to her again, should she call), just saying.

 

but even though she doesn't deserve to know how you feel, in anyway shape or form, it is liberating to be YOURSELF! so much has been bottled up. so many things get unsaid. at least you got a few of those things out and got some answers to boot. that's probably why you feel a bit better now. try to hang on to that feeling. i am glad you feel some of the weight removed and it was good to read your post ...quote:

" I'm slowly starting to replace everything around me too that even remotely reminds me of her even down to the face wash I use!! I need a clean break, a fresh start and if it means replacing everything and redecorating my room then so be it.

 

Been hitting the gym every single day this week so far, going again tonight. I need every endorphin/happy hormone/chemical my body can produce to help me get through this. It also occupies my evenings too instead of being in my bedroom alone.

 

I'm determined to get myself through this now. This is the hardest breakup of my life and I need to take control. I know my triggers, and how to avoid them."

 

 

 

you articulate yourself so well, and make so much sense. i know you love this girl or at least did fully at one time...but i dont think she even measures up to you. it's like PowrOO once said..has to be a fit dove N tail fit/connection. (you said something like that PowrOO , i forget the exact quote)

 

I admire how you tired everything you could is2008 and how you are willing to go through the love and the pain, and the experiences that make you human, even though they are not always pleasant and can sometimes suck.

 

you have a good head on your shoulders and that will ultimately steer your heart in the right direction and get you through this. you really are a strong willed person, even if you don't recognize it now.

 

this is the hardest breakup you ever had because you loved her more deeply than anyone else...and you were committed to the relationship. that made you rock solid. but she was more flimsy with her love and commitment apparently. it's likely her level of maturity and the distance are the factor. do not take it so personal (i know its hard not to). just take what you can learn from it and thats all you can do. time and your good survival instincts will get you through this. youre doing great already, whether you feel like that or not. you ARE! youre a survivor. and you will be a thriver too. hehe sorry i am carrying on again . but seriously, i see a smart person here who will get to the other side and is doing a damn good job so far.

 

do you still feel hurt or shock or sorrow? yes. it will wax and wain. but you are doing a good job. be proud of yourself.

[is2008]

What an epic post IfIKnewThen!

 

How are you? Keeping happy I hope. Me and PwrOO are making weekend plans (not together!) Have you got any?

 

Thank you for the reassurance regarding the latest round of contact! The problem is, my heart turns to mush as soon as we talk and the only way I can prevent the neediness/mushy feeling is an immediate end to the call. So that's what I'll do as soon as she talks. Anything short of physical contact isn't sufficient and like I said before, that ain't gonna happen!!

 

I do feel I'm in a comfortable position right now. I got my closure, which is what I wanted to hear and I'm not wanting any further breadcrumbs or contact which deviates from that. I'm content It's one game too far if this is all a game, I'm ready to start afresh. Nobody who loves another person should play games this extreme.

 

I'm going to write a list tonight of everything I want to achieve in 2011 and focus on that... and should someone new come along and want to be a part of my 2011, then so be it I will put myself out there in 4 months time though... find that tail to my dove, or dove to my tail haha.

 

i think i'm just having one of those 'peak' days. hoping i don't have a trough day tomorrow but things are picking up. i do get the odd palpitation but the longer i put myself through this, the longer it'll take to find someone who will truly appreciate me. the same goes for everyone on here.

[IfiKnewThen]

yep makes a lot of sense. i know you'll enjoy your weekend and goal setting is a good idea is2008. as for me, i have no immediate plans..just staying home..maybe get out to dinner. i am going to visit family and get away in a few weeks (for a weekend only). learning to appreciate the small things in life..that's my more immediate goal.

 

do both you and pwroo live in England? if you do, you guys should go out and celebrate moving forward. not that the uk is that small. . you could be miles apart

 

anyway i am glad you are in better spirits.. getting some kind of closure really helps, i think. and if one doesn't physically get that closure, you kind of have to settle with some consoling thought in your mind for peace, so you can move forward. that's all we can do..

[is2008]

4th March:

 

I don't feel like the incredible hulk today. I feel a little upset. Think it has to do with my broken sleep, I keep waking up in the night and it's pretty disruptive. Whenever I'm tired, I get agitated/upset easier.

 

I don't have any real desire to reach out to her but I do think what she's doing at certain times in the day. Like what time she wakes up, goes to work etc. Pretty normal stuff really. I hope I slowly get bored of doing that and my mind replaces those thoughts with other/new thoughts. The sting of my US trip is slowly subsiding too.

 

Bruno Mars - Grenade is on the radio. That song epitomises the breakup. It's a very powerful song, one that always gets me wondering about the relationship and the breakup.

 

My sister is coming back from NY tomorrow so that should occupy the majority of my day, going out with my friend on Sunday. Weekend plans sorted!

 

My mood is improving slowly... starting to find other girls attractive. Not in the sense I want to date them, just appreciating their beauty!!

 

Palpitations have stopped... extreme anxiety and shaking has stopped (because she's not around to upset me), just going through the detachment stage.

 

SUMMARY: Hopeful.

 

-------------------------------

 

IfIKnewThen -Sounds like you're making positive steps to appreciate what do you have. Sometimes we get so caught up on what we don't anymore, we forget all the good things going on in our lives.

 

Lesson to be learnt, don't let your relationship define you. I don't think me and my ex could fix this now. She'd expect it to go back to the way things have been going the past 2 months... never!!

 

I'm not sure where PwrOO lives, but England is quite large in itself!

 

Hope you're having a good day!

[IfiKnewThen]

good log and updates is2008. i love the way you express yourself. i sometimes have a hard time articulating what i am feeling. anyway good job. this journal will not only help you, but help others. they can see healing is a roller coaster ride. you will come out the other side though 100%. all in due time. i like the way you said "detachment stage". i never looked at it like that before..but thats exactly what this is. we become so attached. and that's what this is indeed. adjusting to the detachment stage. and yes, i agree with you, sometimes we get so caught up in our loss (so understandable) that we forget about what we still have. and it helps to readjust to that thinking too. anyway, your posts are going to be helpful to so many. helping me sort out my feelings too.

 

take care.

[worldgonewrong]

thanks for keeping this journal, man.

it is an inspiration to me during my own trials too.

[is2008]

worldgonewrong/IfIKnewThen - I'm glad you're drawing inspiration (and hopefully strength) from my log. same goes for everyone else that's reading but not posted. please feel free to do so!

 

i think the reason i'm pretty open with my feelings now is that every time i tried to address issues in the relationship, she'd listen but not do anything about it. it's my way of being heard i guess. i did plenty wrong in the relationship too, but instead of beating myself up about it, i'm going to learn from those mistakes for the future.

 

as for it being a rollercoaster, it really is! how long we stay on it for is really up to us, and i'm not going to pretend i'm doing good all the time, but i hope with persistance and patience, I (and all of us) will come out the other end.

 

When one door closes, another one opens. Be sure not to be too preoccupied with the closed one... you might miss an open one

 

With all that said and done, I hope my ex misses me and regrets her decision. Honestly speaking, would I take her back after all this? After affecting my health so much? ... Under the right circumstances, yes. D'oh.

[IfiKnewThen]

lol

[is2008]

7th March: Day 6 NC... End of my NC log...

 

Over the weekend I'd discovered her 'hidden' FB profile. When we spoke last she assured me she'd deactivated her FB account and wasn't even bothered about it. Curiosity got the better of me, and with a little digging, I managed to find her account, fully live.

 

So that's one thing that annoyed me. Second, her profile pic is a photo of her from 2-3 years ago that she never showed me. We always used to show one another our photos (I rarely took any) and because of our LDR I pretty much lived off her photos. That annoyed me too... what else is she hiding?

 

The final thing that annoyed me is 6 months ago, she randomly said to me I'm moving to LA if we don't work out. And I thought to myself why LA? In the whole 6.5 years I'd known her, she'd never mentioned any friends/family in LA.

 

Well! It turns out she has family there and is employed (how I don't know) by a company in LA? Probably has been for a little while?? All this from viewing a 'limited' profile on FB. I dread to think what I'd have seen if I'd have had full access.

 

So where is this all leading? Well, I've had my closure (even though I'm sceptical and wonder if it's a game) and I'm annoyed that she has a FB account and I've made these discoveries. You may say it's a not a biggie, but she's definitely not the person I thought she was.

 

I always used to tell her how much I admired her honesty and faithfulness. I told her it was her best trait. Well her best trait isn't even one of her traits! I feel upset I found it but empowered that I know more about her than she thinks I know.

 

She's such a hypocrite. Having a go at me for talking to my ex because it's not what she expects but has her own FB profile. Well I don't have one of my own (I borrowed my sister's!) because that's what we agreed.

 

So why the end of the log? I feel as though I'm rehashing everything and with the latest discovery I'm rapidly falling out of love with the person I thought she was. She has witheld information from me and that isn't someone I am prepared to marry. I am still very hurt because I spent 6 years of my life with this girl and by removing her from my thoughts, I'm hoping to accelerate my healing.

 

Will post if I'm in dire need of venting but otherwise I feel good, I refuse to let her enter my thoughts.

 

I haven't challenged her about what I found. I almost did, I got anxiety and picked my phone up but then put it down. Why spoil my NC? What would it achieve?

 

She's chosen her path in life, it's not something I can change.. or want to change. Would I take her back? Looking even more unlikely. The more I learn, the less I like. Would I take her back if I was with someone new but she offered to change everything? Never. A leopard cannot change it's spots.

 

Til next time folks

[PowerOfOne]

Wish you all the best mate. You've come a long way since you started this log and I'm sure it's inspired quite a few people. Even if they haven't posted or they've viewed the thread without being signed up. 2500+ views says something!!

 

You are a great guy and it sounds like you've got a real good head on your shoulders. Don't be a stranger and come back after a few months to let us know how you're doing. I know (from experience) that the few posts that do come up of people who have moved on in life and found happyness out of the dark are really good reading for people recently dumped.

 

Take care,

 

Powerranger

[is2008]

Power Ranger

 

I'm not disappearing, I'll be around to help others. Just don't want to keep up my log anymore... it brings back memories I want to put behind me. I guess that's the stage I'm at.

 

I'm still struggling (if I'm honest) to properly accept it's over and the less I can think about her, the better. My biggest challenge is not looking at her photo. I cannot go more than 1-2 days without looking at it.

 

Somewhere in my mind it's holding me back and sort of reassuring me she's still there, if that makes sense? I have once or twice asked her what she's done to us... this is me talking to a photo!!

 

So that is my goal. No more looking at the photo. Might have to go down more aggressive methods to stop me looking like putting the file in a password protected ZIP folder that only my sister has the password to. Might do this tonight actually.

 

I now don't feel the urge to check MSN/emails at all, so that is definitely progress. I'm hoping to mimick the same progress by making the photo less accessible.

 

If anyone needs help/advice or someone to talk to, I might not be the best but give me a shout on PM. Otherwise I'll be lurking around anyway!

[IfiKnewThen]

wow hi is2008. i am sorry you got hit with another round of awful feelings, even if you did get closure from it, by seeing that fb account.

 

when i left my last message...(an lol back there in the thread) i was giggling b/c its so true that most of us would go back with the person if they just did a 360. we chuckle at the things we can sorely relate to. but i also relate to the disgust. and the not ever wanting to go back. because when you feel like you didnt even really know someone...or knew them so well and they pulled something on you like this...you know you really wouldn't want to return to THAT person. THAT person is now a stranger that you can no longer relate to and that broke your heart. period. its the old things we miss.

 

anyway, you have to do what you think is right for you. you will be missed on LS. maybe like Pwroo said maybe come back in a few when youre ready to update or something. you are helping others and i do think its a good idea top purge on here any bad feelings you have. but if it only serves to remind you and nothing more than i understand where you are coming from. but if it helps in anyway, please feel free to return to vent, share, encourage..whatever. you have been an inspiration and someone people can seriously relate to on all kinds of levels. God bless and thanks for the time you shared and gave to others, here.

 

ps. who knows how long she had that covert fb account. like you said it could be a ruse to hurt or it could be real..who knows. but when they break up they usually feel all bets are off for promises to us. they now do anything. likewise it should be that all bets are off for them according to us. we can do what we want now. we dont have to uphold an image or promise. i am not saying be mean. i am saying, we dont have to uphold the same commitments that no longer apply.

[is2008]

All I can muster up right now is ouch ouch ouch. This is going to be a long post.

 

The log is back on because without it, the temptation seems to be too great. I need a place to vent...

 

I got home last night from work and pretty annoyed about what I saw, I thought I'd look at her facebook one last time.

 

BIG mistake. Obviously I cannot access her full profile but her new profile pic was of her (alone) but looking really pretty. Physically my ex is by no means fat, but she's not a perfect 10 either (probably a 14?) and she has suffered with acne forever (mild). In this photo though (B&W) she looked flawless. She looked thin and without any skin imperfections whatsoever.

 

If there's one thing my ex can do well, it's using the lighting/darkness around her to hide her imperfections. To make it perfectly clear though, I loved my ex's physical attributes. I thought her acne was cute.

 

Anyhow, as you can imagine, this triggered a whole wave of emotions. Anxiety, longing and everything else you can imagine. I immediately grabbed my phone and called her.

 

The call took her by surprise. I asked her where she was. At first she was very secretive, then she said a hotel room. I thought the worst. I asked her, with a guy? She said no. Turns out her friend (female) had flown out from Michigan to see her and both of them were staying in hotel in TX for a 'vacation'. In fact, she was getting ready to go out!

 

Funny how she manages to find the time and money for this vacation but screams poverty and lack of time when it comes to doing something for me.

 

I asked her about the photo and she said it was 9 months old or so. Phew. I'd seen her subsequent to that and I know she doesn't look like that face to face. It made me feel a little better and I looked at her recent photo for a more accurate reminder - a photo I took.

 

The conversation as a whole went pretty well. She was extremely happy to hear from me, to the point of being teary... made it clear that she wouldn't change her number or email address and I was free to call whenever.

 

She acknowledged that it is difficult to find someone you connect with so much and that she may be making the biggest mistake of her life but was now a 'free spirit' and didn't want to be tied down to any relationship or rules. The freedom seems to be intoxicating her.

 

In the same conversation though, she made it clear that she didn't want to be with me ever again but couldn't lose me from her life. I replied that I couldn't accept a friendship and that I didn't want to hear from her again. I said the only route to reconciliation would be to ask her friend that I've had contact with over the 6 years to call me. She said that'd never happen. She's told her family it's over and doesn't want to let them down!

 

I asked about the family in LA too.

 

Now to expand on our situations a little. We're both from religious backgrounds which require us to dress modestly and behave modestly. The reason I fell so deeply in love with this girl was because of her closeness to the faith and her desire to protect me and the relationship from negative influences, whilst still allowing us to flourish.

 

Since she arrived in the US though, and more importantly her going out to work, the crowd she's associated with/colleagues have unfortunately turned her from this sweet innocent religious girl into someone that pretty much doesn't give a f. Her dress sense has changed too for the worst.

 

She also uses every opportunity that I call to tell me about a new guy that likes her or has asked her out. She wouldn't lie about it but revels in the knowledge that it upsets me. This time it's a co-worker. Great(!)

 

So where is this leading? Well I can't allow her to have this freedom and have me around. That is the best of both worlds isn't it. Her new found freedom is also hurtful because it goes against everything we'd built up in the past 6 years.

 

As all bets are off as IfIKnewThen mentioned, I've opened my own facebook account to connect with friends. I have however, blocked her profile, and those of her family. I cannot bear to see her enhanced photos (I am keeping the photo I took as a reminder), and definitely not guys commenting on them if that's the case. She does revel in the attention. She claims not to like it but her actions suggest otherwise.

 

How long will this intoxication phase last? I don't know. But one day she will reminisce the what could have been had she compromised with me. The key thing that she doesn't appreciate is that it doesn't matter if 1 guy shows interest or 100 guys show interest, it's that one that makes you feel like you belong that matters.

 

Everything considered, cultural, religious, family expectations I don't think my ex will find anyone like me ever again. Is the same vice versa? To an extent. The UK population of my faith is more in tune than our US counterparts, so my chances of finding love within the faith are higher.

 

SUMMARY: I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist anymore.

[IfiKnewThen]

wow is2008.

 

as i read all of that, i can't help but think and feel, she is being influenced by so many people around her.

 

you guys started out young, met six years ago and conforming to her religious beliefs, she really doesn't sound too experienced and hence wants to see what it feels like to journey out a bit.

 

i actually do believe she wants to be with you, but that she is majorly influenced by the people who are geographically closer to her. and perhaps her feelings and maturity level wasn't as intense as it is for you, for her to overcome all the external influences out there. she said her family would be happier (if i read that right) if you're not together. that makes sense because they probably fear their daughter moving half way around the world and not seeing her as much....so they wont be big advocates for your relationship.

 

also i think friends her age are highly influencing her. time and distance and youth and influences could be pulling her apart from you.

 

if fact it really looks that way. she probably think shes missing out on something out there. but she probably does love you but again, all of the above mentioned is tugging at her. she seems to believe in her minds eye that this can never really work out.

 

 

you may find that in a few years... (1 or 2..after she has explored life more), that she wants to return to you. but you can't wait around for her. especially since she tells you there is no possibility.

 

 

but i think, for this girl, its going to take time for her to realize how deep her feelings go for you. (or not). i think she got teary eyed because she does really care, and wants to stay friends just in case she realizes someday or gets up the gumption to not let her family and friends influence her; wants to have you around. but its not healthy for you to live like that. you seriously matured faster than she did. it has not come full circle for her yet. i believe . ok dont want to bore you with repetition. so i will just close with....

 

i am glad you made your own fb account and are taking charge and doing what you feel like at this point. and believe it or not, don't regret calling either because you took charge with that too. instead of giving into fears about calling, you took charge and did what you felt compelled to do or wanted to do. there is real merit to that and it will only serve to make you stronger than you really already are. i know N/C is good for healing. but i do firmly believe that taking the bull by the horns for ones self is good also. it sometimes feels like they control us when we fear calling them but want to. so see it as overcoming that and be glad for all the info each time. you are essentially still in control when you don't give into what you think you should do, but sometimes still do what you WANT to do. hard to explain.

 

anyway, i think she really cares for you. is she in love? i dont know. could be. but for now she is listening to her family and friends and giving into youth or GIGS syndrome and moving in that direction. you have to live your life. but who knows there may be another time in life for the two of you. but dont wait to live, live while you wait. or dont wait.....just live.

 

and i apologize for this imput again. sometimes a guy just needs to vent minus all the feedback or would be advise. so the next time i will try to be more quiet:rolleyes: and just vent on your thread. : )