Ian's strict NC log

[is2008]

IfIKnewThen thank you so much for your reply, i do need and want responses! i will post a more detailed reply later on

[IfiKnewThen]

hehe you dont have to reply to the reply. thats exhausting . no worries.

[is2008]

IfIKnewThen sorry for the late reply.

 

you're right about her being influenced by those geographically closer to her. it's almost as if theyr'e saying rebel from this relationship that's tying you down. that coupled with the fact her parents have never accepted me as a suitable match for their daughter. she's taking the easy option out.

 

i also agree that only time and space will make her realise how deep her feelings for me are. unfortunately i think she'll only realise once it's too late and once she's gotten bored of the freedom... and a prolonged period of NC. by which time i'd probably not be bothered about talking to her again anyway.

 

i'm having some real hard days right now. today was filled with anxiety, to the point i was shaking slightly. not good. the sooner i can manage to get her out of my system, the better off i'll be.

 

i've not looked at her photo so far today, but really tempted to. just to remind myself that she is only human with imperfections. but not sure whether it's a good idea..?

 

as for living... that's what i intend to do. but right now my anxiety is taking over everything i do and want to achieve. need some calmness asap in my life to begin repairing it.

 

how are you coping?

 

EDIT: also, i feel as though by contacting her on a weekly basis, i'm allowing her the friendship she desires and almost rewarding her bad behaviour. it's like she's getting my attention every time she mentions how many guys like her.

Edited March 9, 2011 by is2008

[is2008]

DAY 3: Well I'll be honest. I did look at her photo again yesterday. But so far today I've resisted. I've seen it so many times I can actually picture it mentally now.

 

My obsessive thoughts still continue but I'm finding that by writing this log, it's helping me release some of that tension that's built up inside of me.

 

I think I've been looking at recent events the wrong way. I've been focusing heavily on what I'm failing to achieve instead of what I have achieved. It's not all doom and gloom as such.

 

Progress life wise, is at a standstill. I am not achieving anything in my 2011 plan but I'm allowing myself a little time to grieve properly before I embark on anything new. I'm at the stage where I'm not in denial that I'm hurting and putting on a front or trying to fake it til I make it. Just going with the flow now.

 

So what have I achieved? Well something actually quite significant that I only realised a few minutes ago. With it being a LDR for 6.5 years solid, I used to sign into MSN and check my emails every single morning. After the breakup, I'd use my sister's account to see if she was online or emailed. These thoughts or actions are not the first things that pop into my mind anymore!! They haven't been for a little while now.

 

I no longer wake up thinking if she's on MSN or if she's emailed. The urge to check has disappeared!! I am so pleased with myself. If only I can now mimick the same response to her photos. I might have to go cold turkey with her photo.. as suggested in another post I made. By not looking at the photo for an extended period of time, maybe just maybe I'll forget about it.

 

The other thing I've managed to achieve is I've reconnected with 75+ friends that I've not spoken to for 6 months - 7 years on FB in 2 days.

 

Right now though, being day 3 into the latest and hopefully last round of NC, I'm still hurting and obsessing over her facebook. I've got it blocked so I cannot access it whatsoever.

 

The more I think about it actually, the photo is the real barrier. Once I overcome that, I think I'll be really on the road to recovery.

 

SUMMARY: Not good, not bad, but optimistic.

[IfiKnewThen]

hi is2008!

 

I personally think it's GREAT you're reconnecting with friends and such on FB. That is a step in a good direction and to not have the urge as much to go to MSN, etc. All these things will really add up, in the end. I am so glad you see all the positive you do. No one is perfect, so I am glad you are cutting yourself some slack and seeing all the positive steps there and giving yourself some credit for them, because you deserve it.

 

Also, I dont mean to digress, but has anyone ever told you what a good writer you are? I am most serious. You have a real flare for writing. A certain style with a specific way of expressing yourself. Every time I read your post's I think to myself...WOW that's a good way of putting that! It's honest and understandable, and helps to describe feelings I have myself, that I couldn't put into my own words. Anyway, I just wanted to mention that. I feel this is why this post helps all around...you and others. because of the way you are ABLE to express yourself.

 

and your summary...not good , not bad, but optimistic. makes total sense too and i think a lot of us can relate here.

 

You may not be fully aware of it yet, but you are definitely on that road to recovery. we all take all kinds of paths on the road, that branch out, then get on the main path again. I think thats Ok. Even looking at that picture. It's how you view the path. Honestly, one day you will probably be desensitized to the picture. You can even copy the original picture, put it in safe keeping. Then take the copy and crinkle it up and toss it. Its just a picture. It the memory it holds. You can look at it fondly when its convenient and disgusted when its not and just rip it up and toss it away. I was watching an interview the other day where someone said..."That was a part of my life. Its not my life". That's what we will all come to feel in the end.

[is2008]

hey IfIKnewThen!

 

well it appears power ranger has disappeared for a short while! i'm sure he'll turn up somewhere...

 

i think the reason i feel at ease writing this log and expressing myself is because my feelings and expectations during the relationship fell on deaf ears. it's like my voice is finally being heard! it's really theraputic writing about my problems without anyone judging me.

 

you should give it a go!

 

thank you for your compliment too i'd actually say you were a very good listener and great advice giver! i'd like to hope that people in similar positions can relate to the feelings i describe and also acknowledge that with every down moment an up moment could be just around the corner!

 

as for the photo, i do feel i am somewhat desensitised to it already. when i look at it though, i'm not sure whether deep down i'm pining for her or picking out her flaws. perhaps it's both? i'm pining for her but trying to justify in my heart and mind that she wasn't worth the pedestal i'd placed her on.

 

i'm willing to try a different approach though and not look at it at all.

 

there are no set guidelines on how to get through a breakup, it's just what works for us individually. i do feel a sense of pride today, like i mentioned, i don't ever feel the need to go on msn or check emails and i feel extra pride that i've gone almost a full day without looking at the photo.

 

how are you anyway? weekend's almost upon us again! need to make some plans.. both of us do.

[is2008]

DAY 4 NC: Gonna keep this one short! It's day 2 of not looking at her photo and I feel great.. there is another reason though. Just radomly wandering through friends of friends facebook profiles I spot a girl... I find myself attracted to her, I get this euphoric feeling inside of me!!! Wow wow wow!! I can find other people attractive!!

 

I must admit though, when I think about my ex, I get sad again, so trying not to think about her.

 

I've added this girl. What's the worst that can happen? I get ignored. If my ex doesn't want to fight for me and apologise it's gonna be her loss.

 

SUMMARY: I feel excited.

[IfiKnewThen]

thumbs up is2008. thats good news!!!

 

 

when i saw the news last night about japan, i just thought..things could be so much worse for us all. so many suffering with one thing or another in life in general. so we all have to remember that...me included, so we can be more at peace.

 

anyway i am glad for my buddy over there.

[is2008]

Yes we could be in a worse situation but it never feels like that when your heart is broken.

 

The euphoria has definitely subsided now and I just miss my ex. She isn't going to reach out, and I dread reaching out only to hear about her behaviour.

 

This sucks.

[IfiKnewThen]

Yes we could be in a worse situation but it never feels like that when your heart is broken.

 

 

 

this is SO SO true. it really is. heartbreak is deep and serious. like being sick. and depending on the illness, it can feel worse even. there's no antibiotic you can take to just clear it all up. but somehow this will pass. we have to just go with the flow and ride it out and get to thinking in the ways that work best for us. all of us. i know that euphoric feeling passed. but like you said its something! even if a small spark. its a beginning and a reminder that you can feel again and will someday soon.

 

theres a passage in the bible that says associate with the lowly. its so hard to see all lovey dovey couples around us when we are hurting. or to be sick and watch everyone around us going out and doing things. it helps keep us grounded. and yikes i didnt mean to mention japan its just that i was thinking this morning..wow things are such a mess on this planet now. (of course there is still good) but maybe when we are feeling low, we can look at these things and step back and appreciate in some measure where we are at. i know you already do. i didnt mean to sound preachy. half the time i have to remind my own self of things. but it made me feel pretty darn blessed.

 

anyway, try to remember and hold on to that nice feeling you had with the FB incident, or thought. it will help some.

[PowerOfOne]

Hey guys,

 

I'm still around. Just had a monster last few days at work. Taken it out of me a bit.

 

You're both absolutly right. Even as bad as a breakup can make us feel, there are always people so much worse off then us. Just have to look at the recent earthquakes in NZ and Japan for one example.

 

As for setbacks, I had my own little one this arvo. After 3.5 months of completely avoiding any information about her, I checked her FB. Not really sure what prompted me to, I just did it and before i knew it I was looking at the posts from the last few months. I was only on the page for a couple of minutes but a whhoollllleee lot of anxiety hit me like a truck. There wasn't much to see to be honest, couple of family photos. But yeah, was not a good feeling! Stupid thing to do. I'll remember that for next time haha.

 

I had a similar revelation yesterday as well. A friend of mine is going to set me up with a friend of hers. That's hardly the excieting bit - never seen or had any good experiences with 'setups' but it got me thinking about what this girl could be like. What I hoped she'd be like. And much of it was things that my ex just wasn't! The idea that this girl I had in my head could be out there somewhere was a very exciting feeling to be honest. Just to clarify - it wasn't an image of some supermodel . Just an image of someone that I could share who I am with, who I'm completely comfortable around. Feels like a pretty big step when you realise you can be attracted to someone other than the ex. Feels good.

 

Huh. Just writing that last bit made me completely forget why I was so anxious when I checked her FB.

 

Hope you're both safe and well!

[is2008]

DAY 7 NC & DAY 4/5 OF NOT LOOKING AT THE PHOTO: I'm slowly slowly starting to feel a bit better. Nothing groundbreaking but I'm getting there.

 

I still feel upset at various times in the day and I almost looked at the photo during the weekend but I'm determined not to put myself in a position where I'd get hurt. That means maintaining NC. I know that as soon as we speak, she'll use it as an opportunity to make me feel upset and use my insecurities against me.

 

On a positive note, I may be going out on a date on Saturday coming, depending on her work schedule. We spoke on the phone last night for 2 hours. She's on old flame and she knows everything about the current situation.

 

We've agreed to stay friends for now and see how things go between us. She doesn't want to rush me and I think deep down she knows I'm in a fragile state of mind.

 

I don't particularly want to date, but I'm not passing up the opportunity to talk to and get to know girls, it's going to help me move on.

 

SUMMARY: Feel rubbish but forcing myself to get out there.

 

------------------------------------------

 

PwrOO - I can totally relate to the anxiety truck that hit you when you looked at her FB. Yikes, the thought of me looking at her FB upsets me let alone going through with it!

 

The problem is, once you start looking, you begin to dig, so you read all of her posts from the past few months. I just know I'm not gonna like what I read, that's why I must avoid it, just like you should too.

 

I'm glad your friend is trying to set you up with someone new! You're further down the line than I am, and perhaps it's a push in the right direction!! Good luck!

[is2008]

Okay the date/meet up has been moved forward to tonight! I'm leaving work in 20 minutes to get ready.

 

Excited and apprehensive. This should be interesting.

[IfiKnewThen]

have fun is2008. glad to see youre getting out there a bit. hang in there. something will give for you i know it:)

[is2008]

Well an update.

 

Went out last night on this date/meet up. She picked the venue... bad choice really. It was a meal for two sort of affair. Not what I like because it's way too formal. We went to a milkshake/burger bar after the meal, now that was IDEAL... I was relaxed and enjoying myself. I usually consider sit down meals for girlfriends I've been with for some time... where you don't have to make conversation because she's already yours!

 

As for the girl, didn't click with her at all. I just didn't feel that spark for her but we've agreed to meet up again as friends... we've known each other for a long time anyway.

 

I got home, and didn't think OMG I have to contact or be with my ex because I didn't feel anything for this girl. My ex is not what I'd look for in a girl anyway so that venture would be completely fruitless.

 

The experience was enjoyable and I'm glad I've tried something different. I'm over a week NC now and about a week of not looking at her photo, so there are positive signs showing.

 

I'm still pretty broken inside but my resolve to maintain NC is pretty damn strong now. I am not contacting her first. I still get a bit of anxiety and palpitations especially first thing in the morning and my sleep is still broken circa 2-3 months after the breakup.

 

SUMMARY: Patience will be rewarded.

[is2008]

Day 9 NC: I'm obsessing over my ex today, more so than normal. The reason is because I didn't sleep too well last night. When I don't sleep well, I get anxious a lot quicker. Early night for me tonight, need to flush this out of my system. The sun isn't out either and that really affects my mood.

 

I'm not getting the major palpitations of old but I'm still feeling sub par... but anything is better than shaking with anxiety from hearing my ex telling me her stories.

 

I've decided to take the next step in my recovery too. The photo and last email I sent are stored away on my PC. Today, I'm burning them to CD and labelling them either "old memories" or "old stuff" or something similar. Prefer not to be memories as that implies they're good. They're anything but.

 

A final scrub of my bedroom for old memories tonight and I'm done. It's gonna be a sad day completely removing everything because this is a girl I spent some fond memories with (some years ago) until she changed.

 

Thankfully I've got a pretty decent support group in place... friends and family that I've been completely open and honest to. I didn't want to make the classic male mistake of surpressing it all and then it hitting me hard a few months down the line. I've been honest with myself about the situation and I hope it'll be rewarded.

 

Otherwise, I don't feel the need to go on MSN/check emails/go on Skype/unblock her on FB/call her. I'm doing pretty well in that regard now. I want someone to fight for me and not throw in the towel when the going gets tough.

 

As for dating, not particularly interested at the moment but would love to meet the perfect girl for me and take it slowly... very slow!

 

I have however learnt so many dos and don'ts from this relationship. Hopefully I can rectify my mistakes and be a better person in my next relationship, not to mention pick up red flags which I was too blind to see.

 

Would I take back my ex? Now there's a question! Maybe. She would have to fly to the UK, bang my door down, explain her actions over the past few months and if the answers provided were sufficient then I'd consider it.

 

Am I going to contact my ex off my own back? Even during a family emergency? Never again in my lifetime.

 

SUMMARY: From the last convo we had.. it sounds like she was happy and moving on. I'm not going to rush myself though, it'll take me as long as it takes. Maybe she's putting on a front, but it's not my issue anymore

[IfiKnewThen]

hi is2008. i just want to say that this is such a positive post : )

 

A) because you're posting and getting it out-venting

B) because you are being honest and telling all how you feel ( to your parents, sister, extended family, etc) and you dont have to put on a front. and it's true better to express it now and deal now.

C) to put pics and such on CD and get them off the pc for quick easy viewing

D) a scrub of your room

E) realizing she has changed

 

and most of all, being able to love in the first place, grieve, and survive and have a plan and just implement it. it will always take one day at a time, i believe. but in time, that will build until it just gets better and better eventually. there's a very real place of acceptance out there and happiness beyond that, i am sure.

 

i just see good things for you. dont ask me why. i know its get beyond tough at times. but i do feel, there is love in your life beyond this and that it will actually be richer someday.

 

 

keep going. thats all any of us can do. you're doing a good job, with your ups and downs. someday it will be much smoother sailing. healing is a cumulative thing, i think.

[is2008]

IfIKnewThen

 

thank you for such a positive reply! i hope you're my fortune teller when you say you see good things for me!!

 

how are you keeping? please feel free to use my log as a place to vent too or to express yourself whenever you feel like you need to. i'll gladly reply with advice or be there to listen!

 

i think i'm beginning to implement a plan of action subconsciously... readjusting to a life i've not known in around 8 years... single life! and i'm only 25!! it's not all doom and gloom though. i'm a lot less stressed with life and i'm starting to come out of my shell too.

 

anyhow, i'm home, going to rest for about 30 mins and then get this plan into action! have a good evening all.

[is2008]

DAY 10 NC: Double digits, not a good feeling. I think I'm frequenting the boards too often, I'm on it the majority of the time I'm awake and thus thinking about my ex throughout the whole period. My brain isn't getting any time to relax and I'm in a constant state of agitation and heightened anxiety.

 

I'm wondering why she's not reached out. One thing I refuse to do is reach out first. I don't want to hear any stories, or worse still, she's dating. I'm happy in my ignorance bubble. I will not be spoken to like trash again by anyone. I am worth so much more. On a positive note, my confidence has improved since I became single, nobody to put me down!

 

Yesterday's final scrub for memories was successful and her memories are a little more out of reach than before. I'm hoping to eventually cut that CD up with a pair of scissors.

 

I think I'm just winding myself up right now. I need to snap out of it and start moving forward with my life and my 2011 plan. I know I cannot ever trust this girl again after she's shown me her true colours and some other info.

 

Next post in the log will be a minimum of 17 days NC. I'm starting to now see why the members of the board are transient! Once the initial pain and shock starts to disappear, we form a plan of action to rid ourselves of the pain. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near being over this but I can see a light particle at the end of the tunnel!

 

Wishing everyone the best for the week ahead

[IfiKnewThen]

hey light particle. i like that one. and i can relate. its good to see even a light particle at this point;)

 

how are you doing now? i just got back from being out of town and visiting family there. i try to get away when i can. it can help some. just wanted to touch base and say hi

[is2008]

DAY 15 NC: Time for me to touch base too. I hope everyone is well.

 

I posted over the weekend on a seperate thread stating how NC was becoming easier. It is and it isn't.

 

Yesterday I had a terrible day, was pining like mad. Perhaps because it was 2 weeks NC. Today I feel better. I don't think about her as much but when I do, it's intense. I do feel emotionally attached to her and I still love her to bits but I hate what she's become and I can't really forgive her for it to warrant a friendship.

 

I don't want any updates but I do wish her health and happiness. She was a big part of my life.

 

I'm embracing other stuff too now. Like work, gym, cars! Thinking of buying myself a very nice sporty car... but it's whether I want to splash that sort of cash on a car!

 

My sleep continues to be mixed. I thought I was getting somewhere but the past 2 days, my sleep has been shoddy. I feel shattered. I still think of her every morning, but I now have enough self respect and restraint not to go back for more abuse. What's the point? My parents didn't conceive me to be abused by this girl.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm making slow progress, but it is progress. I have a lot more self worth now and am realising that my happiness is not intertwined with her being in my life.

 

 

--------------------------------

 

IfIKnewThen - I hope you had a nice trip away! Bet it was lovely to get away from the daily grind. I hope you're feeling more content with your breakup, if not we're here to lean on!

[IfiKnewThen]

hi is2008

 

do you know you say the most profound things sometimes?

 

like: My parents didn't conceive me to be abused by this girl.

 

how true that is.

 

my parents have long passed on and i know they wouldn't want to see me hurt if they were looking at my life.

 

it's really good to step back and look at things this way.

 

this is what self preservation is all about. stepping back, looking at our suffering from all angles. and use it to let it strengthen us, and use it to coach ourselves to want better for ourselves, and strive for it.

 

i know you will do it : ) you will find the better for you. just look at it as you once said. this is detachment time. its ok to pine, love, mourn. then balance it with...i dont deserve this and i deserve better and so i will keep giving to myself to overcome this and have a happier life. give things like, self pep talks , reminders, love, surround yourself with supportive family and friends and even this N/C blog and be gentle to yourself and accepting of yourself...till finally...your back on an even plain....and suddenly your free from the attachment, itself. and when you have lows, they wont knock you down. you rode the wave before and you can ride it again.

 

anyway sorry for going on here . congratz to 15 days n/c but most of all always picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and starting all over again.

[is2008]

DAY 17 NC: Wow, this is a record for me. I feel low though. She's not reached out to me, and I can't see it happening. She used to call my work phone to hear my voice and even that's stopped.

 

I'm wondering if she's found someone new. I daren't ask or check. I'd rather be in denial that such a thing could ever happen.

 

I still really care for her. I have that older brother feeling for her where I feel the need to protect her from the big bad world, coupled with the intense love and affection aspect... it's a multi faceted commitment on my part.. but she's turning her back on it completely.

 

I have been very busy with looking for a new car. It's a sporty car, an attention grabber. Looking to buy that on Monday, a get well soon present to myself and a reminder that I have a new life now, a different life.

 

I am starting to think about her less. Certain songs really pull at the heart strings though so avoiding some radio stations.

 

There are plenty of positives that have happened as a result of the breakup. Another one is that I've made a very close friend...someone that's been there all along... my mum. Our bond has become stronger since the breakup. She's really supportive, comes to talk to me etc.

 

I still feel like me and her are two peas from the same pod. I feel as though she's fallen from the pod and I'm still attached to it, yucky feeling.

 

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to getting my car which is costing me around £18,000, ouch. That's a serious get well soon present.

 

So, to be honest with myself and everyone else... there's nothing I want more in this world than for her to run into my arms, tell me she's made a massive mistake and that she's ready to fix it. Likelihood = close to 0%.

[IfiKnewThen]

so sorry you are going through all of this. my G-d you are such a good writer!

 

i wounder how she would have responded if you ever wrote to her instead of talking to her on the phone, where things get cut off or something. wow.

 

i am glad youre giving yourself a get well present and again i really relate to that. 8 on a smaller scale of course. but i even try to give myself good meals.

 

ok dont think i am pathetic but i have this ipad and it has an app with a bird that repeats everything you say. so i told it, i was gonna make it and i am doing great . i dont care if i have to listen to that bird all day. i use my first name and then say "youre doing great!!" hehe

 

anyway, the story with your mum or mom as i say in the states is, really touching. my mom passed away and i would give ANYTHING for her to hold me in her arms and get her love and support and good counsel about anything in life.

 

i do count the blessings i have ..and i have a lot. : ) praise be to God. but you will always remember your mum being there for you . and your sweet sister too. and those bonds are wonderful and do absolutely matter and help see us through.

 

wow 2 peas from a pod and you feel youre still stuck to it and she has fallen. awesome description and analogy. so well put.

 

well someday you wont fall from the pod you will see another place thats better for you and graduate towards that experience. and i see you doing that for certain!

 

quote: So, to be honest with myself and everyone else... there's nothing I want more in this world than for her to run into my arms, tell me she's made a massive mistake and that she's ready to fix it. Likelihood = close to 0%.

 

if everyone were honest they would all say the same. youre definitely not alone in that department. of course when people move on to the next phase, i am sure they wouldnt totally care anymore. but all this takes time. i think you have really processed so many feelings and i think its healthy you didnt dodge them only to be shocked with the fact that they can come up later. you will master this process better and it will become more than a particle light at the end of the tunnel. there will be sunshine again. perhaps even brighter. believe it.

[is2008]

hey IfIKnewThen, so good to hear from you! you're so complimentary... strange as it sounds my ex rarely complimented me so it's nice to get a compliment... thank you.

 

have you got any plans for the weekend? i'm car shopping so pretty excited!!

 

whilst your mum/mom might not be around physically, i'm sure she wouldn't want to see you unhappy and in a rut over a relationship. trust me, my mum doesn't like to see me upset! she just knows when i'm upset, and gives me my space... and lets me approach her to talk.

 

as for moving on.. well the past week i've had the most disruptive sleeps since the breakup. they're not full of anxiety like they used to be, they're just very broken. i keep waking up, i'm shattered all the time. i don't know whether i'm excited about my car or missing my ex. i'm confused!

 

i am however adjusting to my single life. i'd not say embracing, because that'd suggest i was happy about the situation but i am certain that in my next relationship i'll not be correlating that person's presence with my happiness, rather their presence enhancing what i already have... oooh the lessons learnt!!

 

still reconnecting with old friends, my circle is definitely expanding, therefore my chances of finding someone new expanding too.

 

SUMMARY/OUTLOOK: absolutely shattered... but taking positive but slow steps towards moving on.