elemental1 Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 ive posted before about my GF of 8 years and her idea for an open relationship and about the communication problems that are running rampant... i am an unhappy person. i wouldnt say that i am miserable...but i have reached that low on occasion. i have felt this way for quite a while. normally, i find it easy to be happy. i dont need much in life to get to that point. but i cant remember the last time i felt happy. i know that a lot of my unhappiness is spawned from my relationship with my GF.... it feels like there is this block between us...she rarely ever talks about her feelings unless it is anger. she rarely ever tells me what turns her on.... i know a lot about what turns her off. talking about sex only happens on her terms. if i bring it up either she quickly changes the subject or brushes me off. she doesnt let me know or show me that she appreciates anything i do for her or for us as a family. she doesnt seem to appreciate my qualities as a person...as a man. i feel like i am a means to an end for her. i am just a second source of income, a helping hand. i dont feel special to her. then she brings up the idea of an open relationship.... i am willing to admit that i may have overreacted to it initially, but i believe that if something like that is even mentioned, then something is very wrong. i have usually been the engine of communication in our relationship. in the past we would have a fight and I would be the one to initiate conversation and try to constructively discuss things after the bullets fly. she has always been the one to shut herself down and ignore/disregard the problem and try to move on without discussing anything. however, over the past year or two, i have not been trying as hard - the same problems keep rearing their ugly head - but now i am becoming complacent. before i actually saw the good in trying to communicate and talk... and it is a good thing. but now i keep arriving at one question. what is the point? i have written letters, tried to have serious discussions with her, proposed counseling, etc. yet still these problems persist. i am starting to believe that she will never change and that we are just not compatible as a couple. i love her as a person. she is a great mother and a beautiful woman in an out. she just sucks as a girlfriend or as a wife. i honestly dont think she knows what a mature, meaningful relationship requires to thrive. she is selfish and i dont think she is going to change. she takes me for granted and gives me the impression that discussing problems in our relationship is an annoyance to her. that shows me just where i stand in her view. so what do i do? i dont feel like myself and i dont like who i am at this point. i feel like a mere shadow of who i really am....like she and this relationship have stifled the true me. is this who i have to be to have a life with her? should i give her an ultimatum? either she tries to put forth some effort to try and work on things - at least try to put forth effort to understand me and my needs and STOP brushing me off as if i am some annoying little fly. show me i am special to you..... or i am leaving you. i just have to decide if i am giving her an ultimatum in an effort to get her to change - or - if i am doing it for myself. it doesnt take much to make me happy....but i am just not happy and i dont know exactly what to do.. i want to sit down and discuss things... i mean really have it all out on the table. but two things keep me from initiating it. one - i dont think she will take it seriously and two - i am questioning whether it is even worth it anymore.... i almost want her to cheat on me so the choice would be a lot easier...lol sad i know.. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 The thing about the ultimatum is that you have to follow through and if so far you've let her get to the point where you feel like you can't even be yourself - I don't know if you will follow through and then it will just be an empty threat and she'll lose more respect for you and walk over you some more. I think you should just tell her that you're not happy and that you're breaking up with her. If she fights for you - and wants to talk and work things out - then it would be worth it because she's obviously scared of losing you. If she doesn't, then there's your answer - it'll just be easier to walk away when you know that she doesn't care if you left anyways. that's what I would do...but I'm not the best in relationships I just don't see the point in ultimatums and stuff like that - just act and see how she reacts to it. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 Yep agree with TigerCub. If you make an ultimatum she might go along with what you ask just for peace. But it won't last. If she is going to change then it needs to be because she wants to change, not because of a threat you made. Link to post Share on other sites
rachel7475 Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 Agree with the above. If you are supporting her in any way financially that is probably why she is staying, because it is easy for her. Guarantee you she wouldn't stay if she could support herself and live on her own. Not to offend you at all - some women just can't do relationships - they expect too much and don't understand the work it takes for a long-term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 1, 2011 Share Posted February 1, 2011 so what do i do? i dont feel like myself and i dont like who i am at this point. i feel like a mere shadow of who i really am....like she and this relationship have stifled the true me. is this who i have to be to have a life with her? Can you realize your full potential regardless of her appreciation for you? If you wait for her support or approval to take charge of your life and be the man you want to be, you may never get it. But if you change your focus from her to being the man you want to be, pursue your passions (NOT an affair, but hobbies and interests), and create the life you want, she may be inspired to change her response to you. Or she may not, but you'll like who you are and your path with her or without her will be much clearer to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elemental1 Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 she works full time, but i make more money and pay more of the rent, bills, food, etc. she drives my other car and i also pay for her cell phone.. i can see why she would prefer to stay...if not for me, then for the things she has because of me. if we were to end it, i would take my car and my cell phone back - those are big things to lose. plus she lives in a somewhat nice house...again, something she would have to give up if we were to break up. there is no way i am moving out of my house...i have already put too much money in it to just walk away... she has barely contributed anything to the house. starting to make more sense.... while she might not have been as serious about the open relationship as i thought she was - still the fact that it was even brought up speaks volumes. the whole ultimatum thing needs to be for me - not just to see what she would do and i understand that i need to follow through with it if i do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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