I don't like my mother......

[sallylou]

.....which sounds a terrible thing to say, but it's true. It makes me sad to feel that way, makes me feel guilty, makes me feel like some kind of failure for being unable to like her 'warts and all'. But that's the way I feel.

 

On a good day she is difficult and temperamental and you never quite know 'which mum' will be coming downstairs for coffee that day (we live in th US and they come to stay with us for 2 - yes 2!!! - months every year, which is another story in itself!). On a bad day she is almost impossible to be around and can go for hours or even days without speaking to someone who's upset her - or she uses 'that tone' with 'that look' on her face when addressing them, if you know what I mean.

 

Anything can get her back up. I swear on my own life that yesterday she told me that she was 'disappointed' in me for hanging out the laundry and not letting her do it. She's staying in my house, and had a go at me (and then ignored me for 3 hours) because I hung up MY laundry in MY house?!??! This is exactly representative of the totally bizarre things that set her off. Last week she got stroppy cause I prepared the vegetables for dinner without her help.

 

If you disagree with her over ANYTHING, it is regarded as a personal slight against her - if you don't agree with her then you can't like her. Every response she has to every situation is purely emotional. She is not particularly cerebral and has very little ability to approach any problem from anything other than an emotional perspective. Truth be told, I think she finds intellectual capacity in excess of her own intimidating.

 

I am an only child who's 37 years old, with a son who's 15, and frankly, her attitude and behaviour when she is with us is having a negative effect on my relationship with him. She panders to him and fawns over him like an 8 year old, and truly she cannot understand how the dynamic works between myself, him and my husband (his step father). She interferes, gets downright obstreperous if you dare not to take her advice, and sadly for me she hates (but won't admit it) my husband. I am so stressed that I find myself taking my frustrations out on my son and husband as they're my only outlet :-(

 

I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I do not like her and if she weren't my mother there would be no chance of me ever spending any social time with her whatsoever. She truly is not a nice person to have as your mother.

 

I am just tired and sad, I guess. They have been here now for 8 1/2 weeks, and today is the first day that either of my parents has even made me a cup of coffee. This morning I have vacuumed, and steamed the floors of my entire house (4000 sq ft!!!), cleaned 2 bathrooms, cleaned the kitchen, and packed and unpacked the dishwasher. They have made one cup of coffee, read their books and now gone to play golf. I nearly lost it when I had to ask my mum (having watched her do this for the last 8 weeks) to please take her shoes off when going upstairs on my cream carpet as I had just vacuumed literally 5 minutes before - you can imagine how she acted after that! In the 8 weeks she has been here she has not got herself a single pre-dinner glass of wine or g&t - she even had the nerve to say to my husband that she was thirsty and could he get her a drink. he works 6-80 hour weeks in a very high stress job and wants to come home and relax, not be the bloody butler!

 

Sorry this is so long and boring, and it probably seems so petty, but I'm at the end of my tether. I know I'm my own worst enemy for allowing her to treat my house like a hotel and me like a chambermaid, but my good nature gets the better of me. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall 15 years ago when I told her I was pregnant and her reaction was 'oh my God - what am I going to tell everyone'. Her shallowness and obsession with appearances is beyond belief - although if you've ever watched Keeping up Appearances then you already know my mother!!!

 

Would appreciate any comments you might have - especially if you were brave enough to read this entire tome without poking your eyes out!

[bradcdnhome]

Bit of history for you first - C was invented in the 70s by Dennis Ritchie, by the 80s it had become quite well-liked and a book (known as the C programming language) was published by Ritchie and Kernighan which acted as an informal standard (known as K&R C.) Throughout the 80s ANSI were working towards a formal standard, which appeared in 1989 called C89. Some finetuning was done in 1990 and a new standard, C90 was published. All good - until 1999, when another version of the standard was published, called C99. Why is this a problem? Well whilst compilers implement C90, none implement the whole of the C99 standard. You, might be thinking that C99 isn't all that important then - wrong, C99 allows us to do things such as declare variables throughout the code and use the C++ (//) style comment... but whilst many compilers do support these, none promise to support all aspects of the standard. I have often wondered why. As an aside, there is some work towards a new standard, not sure if/when it will be released though - its informally called "C1x"

[bradcdnhome]

Bit of history for you first - C was invented inside the 70s by Dennis Ritchie, by the 80s it had grow to be incredibly preferred and a book (known as the C programming language) was published by Ritchie and Kernighan which acted as an informal standard (known as K&R C.) Throughout the 80s ANSI were working towards a formal standard, which appeared in 1989 called C89. Some finetuning was done in 1990 and a new standard, C90 was published. All good - until 1999, when another version of the standard was published, called C99. Why is this a problem? Well whilst compilers implement C90, none implement the whole of the C99 standard. You, may possibly be thinking that C99 isn't all that important then - wrong, C99 allows us to do things such as declare variables throughout the code and use the C++ (//) style comment... but whilst many compilers do support these, none promise to support all aspects of the standard. I have often wondered why. As an aside, there is some work towards a new standard, not sure if/when it will be released though - its informally called "C1x"

[Vesna]

Our mothers could be the same person. I read your tome and it breaks my heart.

 

While I was too wasted in my 20s to see her behaviour as malignant, it took until my late 30s to wonder why I was seen as so awful. By the time I was 41 I ceased all contact with her. My mother's traits are so similar to yours and I recommend googling narcissistic mothers. There is an exhaustive list of symptoms and your mother appears to show many of them, just like mine.

 

I don't dislike my mother, I hate her and I look forward to that hate becoming mere indifference so that I can get on with my life.

[Lucky_One]

Well, for one thing, she is a grandmother. She is supposed to pander and fawn over her only grandchild that she only sees once a year. My rules go out the window when my son is around his grandparents - snacks, tv, snuggles, stay up later. My son knows what the REAL deal is for our house, and knows that Granny's rules aren't OUR rules, and he just takes natural advantage of the situation but doesn't push to change things with me.

 

It also sounds as though you aren't setting up house rules. You have watched her walk on your carpets in shoes for 8 weeks, but finally today have asked her to take her shoes off to walk upstairs?

 

Guests often do not feel welcome to go raid the wine and gin. Do you make them feel welcome and comfortable enough that they can go rummaging to find a corkscrew? Of was it a big production at the beginning of the visit to fix their drinks, and so they think it is customary for your family to be the only ones in the bar? You get angry if they don't help with housework, and then angry if they wanted to help with laundry dinner prep. Can you honestly say that you would happily let your mother clean your bathroom? Personally, I wouldn't, as I would be mortified for my mother to clean at my house (I have issues with not being able to keep house to her standards and everyone's houses have dust bunnies behind toilets and stuff like that and it would make me feel horrible for her to find mine!).

 

Would it be less stressful to say at the beginning of a visit "Hey mum and dad, here are the house rules. We take our shoes off when we are in the house to protect the carpets, and happy hour starts at 5. Here is the bar, and feel free to make a drink, as we are often busy or tired. The coffee maker is on a timer, and will be ready at 7 am; here is where we keep the cups." pr

 

Brits tend to be much more formal in their everyday living. Are you forgetting their 60-odd years of upbringing and making allowances for it? My sister's H is a Brit, and he wouldn't dream of walking around someone's house without shoes on; their weather is chillier and damper than Florida or where sister lives in SC, and he puts on shoes every morning when he puts his clothes on.

 

I wouldn't be surprised at all if your parents don't feel your dislike, and the whole situation is a downward spiral. You dislike them, so they withdraw and become cooler, so you dislike them more. You feel your mother's dislike of your H, and she probably feels yours, too.

 

Personally, I would sit down with your mom, one-on-one, with a nice cup of tea (am surprised they drink coffee!), and talk to her. Tell her that you feel that you are always disappointing her, and that it hurts your feelings, and what can the two of you do to help fix the friendship?

 

(I do wonder, though, why you are so upset with your mum, when your father doesn't sound like he does much around the house, either.)

[Toots]

I support the idea of having a discussion with your parents about "house rules" if they are to be guests in your house for any length of time. This can help to avoid resentment and frustration building up on both sides, as you will all know where you stand with each other. "House rules" can include agreements about discipline of your child, and about interfering in your interactions as well as more mundane issues like chores around the house and general consideration.

 

This could backfire and they could resent what they see as being treated like children, but could it really make things any worse than they currently are? At the least, it will bring the issues into the open and allow them to understand why you are frustrated.

 

Perhaps they will adapt their behaviour, or perhaps they will feel they are not being valued and will no longer come to stay. That is a risk you will need to weigh up - and you will need to consider whether the potential loss is one you're prepared to live with.

 

My mother is also not a nice person and as a result I no longer have a relationship with her. I find that better for both of us. I hope your situation works out better.

[lovelylove]

OMGOSH how can you let them stay so long??? I stopped that decades ago... my parents can visit but they can't stay with us- they have to get a hotel!!!

Then we have nice intermittent visits.

I stay at her house when I visit, but only for a week at most, and during that time I go out a lot by myself, to get away, take long naps, sleep in, lol.

We just don't get along, for a lot of the reasons you mentioned.

Draw some boundaries!!! It's hard in the beginning, but after a few years they just assume you don't "have room" for them etc.... Try it if you think you can get away with it. My father is coming into town this week and is staying at a hotel... I would crack if he stayed here with me!!! Tried it before, didn't end well.

Same thing when I visit him, I get a hotel near his place. Privacy, and peace and quiet, in between the intense and awkward family visits will keep you sane and happy. xoxoxox