Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[makelemonade1974]

Has anyone ever gone through therapy following a breakup and discovered their ex has NPD?

 

http://www.gorgelink.org/vaknin/NPDQuotes.pdf

 

Having been "devalued and discarded," how do you get closure? I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences. I'm 4 1/2 mths out of a relationship with an NPD and am just starting to get my bearings again.

[ALonerAgain]

Makelemonade1974,

 

Thanks for posting about NPD. It is an issue I too am looking at closely. Except from the POV that I believe that some of my behaviour can be considered Narcissistic.

 

To clarify, are you wanting closure from him or just a way to put this all behind you?

[geegirl]

I was in a relationship with an N. It was a 1.5yr relationship. It's been one week NC but months of in and out by the N after the break.

 

Closure has been difficult. D&D has been devastatingly painful. One week I was on a pedestal and the next moment I was cruelly discarded. And he's already moved on. The most painful part is now I am finding out about all the cheating. I can't even tell up from down.

 

I've found the site below helpful, specifically posts on the General Discussions board. You will find some very helpful advice from people who have had to endure this type of relationship and also articles of empowerment. I'm sorry I can't add much. I myself am completely lost. Mostly by the fact that it may all have been for nought. Hope the site below helps you.

 

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/

[depplover_1980]

I was in a relationship with an N. It was a 1.5yr relationship. It's been one week NC but months of in and out by the N after the break.

 

Closure has been difficult. D&D has been devastatingly painful. One week I was on a pedestal and the next moment I was cruelly discarded. And he's already moved on. The most painful part is now I am finding out about all the cheating. I can't even tell up from down.

 

I've found the site below helpful, specifically posts on the General Discussions board. You will find some very helpful advice from people who have had to endure this type of relationship and also articles of empowerment. I'm sorry I can't add much. I myself am completely lost. Mostly by the fact that it may all have been for nought. Hope the site below helps you.

 

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/

 

This happened to me. I was proposed to and then kicked out his house within 6 weeks. It's the best thing that ever happened to me because the strength I have gained from that experience is immense.

[geegirl]

One thing I've discovered is that you will never get closure from them. While it is often said that sometimes closure comes from within, it rings so true when dealing with a narcissist. You have to find your own closure. One of the biggest traits of the N I dated was the lack of empathy and the inability to apologize or accept responsibility. I have to find my own closure and while I have a million questions and want a million answers and one so simple as to know if he really loved me, I will never get what I want. The only way is to move on and understand what narcissism is all about. Educate yourself and accept that there was nothing you could have done different to make it work.

[geegirl]

depplover: Somedays I wonder if I will ever get over this pain. In some way I feel as if I am in a dream. I just cannot believe that he is this person. The rage is unbelievable. I remember when I started dating him, I would say to myself, "I can't believe I met this man, it's too good to be true." Bam! 1.5 years later during the break up I ask him where that guy went and he looks confused and goes, "huh? what guy? forget that guy, he doesn't exist."

[ALonerAgain]

One thing I've discovered is that you will never get closure from them. While it is often said that sometimes closure comes from within, it rings so true when dealing with a narcissist. You have to find your own closure. One of the biggest traits of the N I dated was the lack of empathy and the inability to apologize or accept responsibility.

 

This happened to me also.

 

And it's true. The only way you can move on is to educate yourself about it.

[depplover_1980]

depplover: Somedays I wonder if I will ever get over this pain. In some way I feel as if I am in a dream. I just cannot believe that he is this person. The rage is unbelievable. I remember when I started dating him, I would say to myself, "I can't believe I met this man, it's too good to be true." Bam! 1.5 years later during the break up I ask him where that guy went and he looks confused and goes, "huh? what guy? forget that guy, he doesn't exist."

 

I of course totally understand, except when he kicked me out, that was it he never bothered with me again and never answered my texts or emails where I was looking for answers.

 

Wow I can remember that first night of shock and laying awake all night as my heart beat against the mattress in pure shock, then similar for weeks after. Months after I was miserable and bitter, thought i'd never enjoy another man again and dated far too many men, being super critical.

 

But slowly after about 6 months I just started to get better and stronger to the point I bumped into him at a music concert, which he tried to ignore me and walked straight up to him. Looked me up and down telling me how hot I was and I kept my cool completely. After that I started to pity him and praised myself more and more. Been that way ever since.

 

You can do it and i'll be surprised if you too don't look back thinking it was a good life lesson and that is to only ever rely on people so much, but to believe in yourself for everything.

[geegirl]

Thank you for the advice depplover. I still kick myself for not walking out months ago when I had the opportunity but you're right, I too remember my heart beating against my mattress the day I caught him with another woman. And even then he denied the incident!! It's been one week of NC. I know in time I will look back at this and thank my lucky stars for the experience. While painful, it serves as a valuable lesson. I hope in 6 months I can find my strength again and feel sorry for the poor guy.

[evil hank]

i guess i show some traits of NPD, my ex has borderline BAD so we made a great match, (sarcasm) unfortunally the BPD does better than the NPD

[makelemonade1974]

Wow, it's amazing how many women have been through this. I have good days and bad days. I was abruptly dumped when I had a serious medical issue - like because I "needed" something he didn't want me anymore. I do think it has made me stronger, and I've learned things about myself.

 

The worst part for me is that we were both part of a community of artists - he is the artist and I am in a related field. Literally all of our friends sided with him after the breakup and none of them call me anymore. I've told a couple of the girls, but he is so good at faking empathy and gentleness that they think I am just crazy and making it up - the raging, the gaslighting, all of the abuse. He was an entirely different person when he was alone with me. The breakup utterly destroyed me and now I have come out of it looking like the bad person.

 

Like you, depplover, I never received responses to my texts or emails. And I just wanted to be able to walk away from all of it with some sort of positivity - so we could wish each other well and move on. All I've gotten is the silent treatment. And when I've tried to contact him, he's told our group of friends that I am "stalking" him (we're talking maybe 5 emails in a 1 month period - all of them cordial and polite). I work with him and it's just awful. I'm so angry.

 

It's good to know that you do eventually heal from this, and that other women are in the same situation. I've learned the signs so I can avoid these types of men in the future.

[Whatshername]

I divorced an N after 20 plus years and recently am out of another relationship with one. Totally different animals of the same species. All I can say is ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

 

Anyone who can say they love you and in a short matter of time(hours, days, a week) ignore you, as you reel at the pain they have caused you from shutting you out, refusing your requests to communicate, and end the relationship over "small change." ....is not normal! I realize some of you had Ns that come back begging whenever they need the attention, but both of mine were the total opposite. Anything you wanted or needed, they were hell bent to NEVER let it happen. But, surely you can hear them chastening you for your faults and character quirks, and you better be taking notes. If you did this, then that could happen. if only you were a little more..........then maybe they would be able to.............

 

The last one cheated on me with an ex victim(sorry, but it's true). Whenever I realized he had dated her for years with no comittment, I was determined not to be the next (her). It bothered me, and finally whenever we were supposedly FINALLY moving in together(yes he wore me down about my being adamant to get married), he accepted advances and was lured in by HER. Of course he did nothing wrong, had no bad intentions, and how dare I need an apology! Break contact with his old supply, because it was important to ME? HAHAHA

 

I feel pretty damned stupid to have done this again. We were on again off

again for most of the 4.5 years, and the last few times, I admit to going back to him. Sure we had a lot of awesome & really intimately close times, but just when a step forward in the relationship seemed right, he would resist, and fault-find his way into making me reel over his taking several steps backward, blaming me for the "drama". It was SO gut-wrenching and mind-boggling.

 

On at Monday he left a voice mail that said "I love you..........." but 3 days later he was NC (we are Long Distance).

 

 

HAHAHA LD with an N..........It was PERFECT for him. His sweet little loyal woman sat home and he let me think he did. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't but if he wanted to shut me out over any small conflict or issue.....SILENCE it was, at 90 miles apart.

 

My head hurts. My heart is beaten up. My body is lacking in vitality and energy. I do not sing anymore. I cry. I can't sleep well. I think of him and it contrasts between heartfelt anguish over the loss of what was good, really good and the hopes and promises and dreams which were not true, to the pain and cruelty of how quickly he could rescind that love and leave me heartbroken with no communication or reason.

 

It's my fault though, don't you know that? I was never a good enough listener, or was too bossy, or I pressured him, blah, blah, blah. It was never about ME though, it was always, always, always about HIM.

 

>>>>>>>>

 

PLEASE, be careful in your new relationships. I found myself in a few where the guy was so nice, treated me wonderfully..........it made me doubt him and I ultimately sabotaged it and ran back to the N!

 

NOOOOOOOOOO, you deserve kindness, friendship, love, and spoiling a bit on occasion. It is ok, to not do everything yourself. It is good to let someone give you a compliment. Give a real man a chance. He is real if he can admit his faults, say I am sorry and cares how you feel.

 

Hugs to all

[makelemonade1974]

You really do suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder after this happens. They are such brilliant stealth abusers it's not even funny. My ex was the smartest person I have EVER met. Whatshername, I can tell you are really angry and I can identify with that. I too was made love to, told that he loved me, etc. within hours of being physically thrown out of the apartment and never spoken to again. Never. Not. A. Word.

 

I hope all of you are getting some good therapy and learning to love yourselves. It is not our fault. N's target women like us initially because we exhibit all the qualities they wish they had - independence, confidence, the ability to feel real emotions, empathy, loyalty, goodness.

 

Love and hugs to all of you.

[geegirl]

I was reading an article about N's obsession with external beauty, strength, virility, etc. and their dislike for the sick, aging and children. They abhor weakness. I remember when I hurt my leg and had to have surgery, he never offered to take me for my surgery. I had to ask a girlfriend. Finally, in the end I believe he had to keep up with the False Self and said he would take me. Even then he was irritable and angry throughout my time in the hospital and recovery. Soon after we broke up because he felt like "we" were getting lazy and fat since I could not exercise. I'm size 2 by the way! Another thing that screamed N was -- I volunteer at a nursing home and he could never understand why I would "waste" my time being around old people. I told him that at some point he will be sitting there too to which he responded in anger, "Don't talk to me about that. I only live for the now." Very shallow and emotionally vacant people.

 

It's a painful experience. I crave for the day of full acceptance. They damage and walk away unscathed while we pick up the pieces and try to make sense of what was or in this case, what truly wasn't.

[makelemonade1974]

It's uncanny the similarities in experiences with narcissists. I had several surgeries while with him - a couple little things and then one real health scare - and every time he acted irritated the whole time he was with me at the surgery center. He even said I was "inconsiderate" because I had scheduled a cancer surgery (melanoma) for a time of day in which he usually read his books! The crazy thing is - he is so smart that by the end of the conversation I was apologizing for being inconsiderate. Seriously. These guys are brilliant, you have to admit.

[Whatshername]

Ok, so my guy was not like that...............but I never had surgery! He did do things for me, like flew separately to my son's wedding a few years back and babysat my 2 year old grandson and even missed the ceremony and never complained..........and well, geez............it seems he only had the parts of relationship muckup...like negating my feelings, waxing cold, shutting me out, distancing, turning the conversation to my faults when responsibility was needed to me or for his actions.

 

The recent cheating was not "consummated" but with sexting, and 2 dates, and kissing, it was enough. he never admitted to any of it, I found out from HER> he apologized for the texting but that was it. So, the hurt and pain I felt, he rather blew it off.

 

Worst of all, he joked with her about things we held as private........when I found out about his dates, he got mad AT ME! The he waxed cold/shut me out............... then after we finally did talk(yeah, I went to him, you know the drill).......we made up and then he still refused to seriously discuss this..... and never apologized and would not discuss blocking her calls or admit what he had with her was over. He said, oh, I ignore her calls and messages. Point is, he NEEDS them, bc when he is mad at me, he still gets his ego stroked. She is way older him and older than me! She is a parasite, who even stalked me down and found out where I live by running my car tag.

 

Ok, rant over. Been to hell and back and why do I even give a rats ass about why he won't apologize? Am I nuts? He treated me like crap, after spending $1500 on me for Christmas, and being here w/my 3 grown children as if nothing was a miss, and at that time, I KNEW NOTHING.

No wonder I feel like I was hit by a train. Last I knew, we were going to start looking for a place together and then WHAM.....all of this and he doesn't even want her, but he doesn't want to make it right like a normal person either.

 

I just wish I could fast forward my life, because I topple between anger, heart-brokenness, and loss.........in between is a pale version of normalcy.......

 

I know I am emotionally wounded, and part of me wants to find someone new to get out of this house with and drown out the pain by smiling and having fun. I know it is not the perfect answer, but this silence is DEAFENING!

Edited February 2, 2011 by Whatshername

[geegirl]

I was apologizing too sometimes for things that didn't require me to do so. Somehow he would twist things and in the end I would be scratching my head wondering what happened and feeling like I did something wrong. He was very good at deflecting and best of all, denying any type of truths no matter how blatantly true they were and he'd turn it around and dump it on me. I've never been cheated on before, at least not to my knowledge but feeling this betrayal, not only in the sense of his cheating, is the ultimate killing of my self-esteem.

[Whatshername]

Funny, when I would ask about her, he said things like "I do not care if you believe this or not, but I wouldn't be with her if I wasn't with you".

 

Isn't that comforting.

 

Or.........."there are 3 little words she has NEVER heard".

 

Like my hearing them on the 24th of January and by the 28th he was "kapoof" really did me any good. I should have asked him why he never told her, if she is SO important to him, that he would throw away our future and obviously dismiss the very idea of cutting off contact with her.

 

"SHE is 5 years older now and I sense that she is without a man and getting desperate." I can't blame her for trying to stir things up again. wtf??????? is he God's gift to women????

 

What does that make HIM?

 

I did write him a letter (I had to). We had been having some communication issues(when don't you, with an N?) and he blamed this reason for his turning to her. Lied about doing her a car favor(said she dropped by) when it was planned and never told me they went to dinner. She did kiss him, but he didn't avoid it. I only found out through an intercepted text(which he later told her got him in BIG trouble). At that moment, he ALMOST tossed me out the door, mumbling something about now what, does he have to hide his phone? AFTER that...came sexting, and THEN she promised him dinner WITH "DESSERT". She chickened out, knowing he wasn't dumping me...............SO SHE SAID!

 

Ok, well ffwd....the letter basically stated that I needed to know he was sorry for hurting me and that I needed him to cut contact with her and block her numbers and tell me that it was finally in the past.

 

What happened?

 

Nothing. Silence. Dead silence. The end. You lose. I am not going to apologize bc I didn't do anything and I don't have to. This silence will drive you crazy and you'll come crawling back to ask me if I ever loved you, and why aren't you sorry and why are you willing to lose what we have?

 

They are so fricking cunning, they are like snakes! They smack you, then dangle the pain medicine before your eyes and you want it SO bad.

 

But this time, I don't want it. I KNOW that cheating, lying and deception, secrets are things I CANNOT live with. Funny, I put up with all of the N crap, but this stuff, brought it all to light, finally!

 

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can SEE him, without the rose-colored glasses.

 

He SUCKS. Sure the sex was great, but guess what? I can screw more toads until I find my prince! lol Pardon the expression, but as selfish as he is, I am CERTAIN that I have not had the ultimate lover, YET!

Edited February 2, 2011 by Whatshername

[HappyAgain]

I know this sounds so useless but count your blessings that you are free of him and that you haven't wasted too many years of your life with him! You may not be able to accept this today but one day you will.

 

I was married to my xNH for almost 20 years and I had to go through 4 years of therapy for PTSD before I could even think of myself as healed from the abuse I went through with him.

 

Even in therapy I wasn't free from him because he started to bring his new supply to the same clinic I was going to for the PTSD a couple of months after I left him. My therapist would never say whether he was or wasn't an N until that day. She was so shocked as it was the first time in the clinic's history that a husband (albeit separated) would bring his mistress to the same clinic that he knew his wife was attending for the previous 3 years. It wasn't like he didn't know why I was going there but that is the lack of empathy of a narcissist - they just don't care when you have no more value to them. I actually got stuck sitting in the waiting room with them for 20 minutes the day I found what he had done. The one safe haven I had for dealing with the trauma of that monster and he took that away from me too.

 

Fortunately, I found help and have moved forward with my life. The scars are still there underneath but I know that each night I go to sleep I say my blessings that I was finally able to leave, say my blessings that I never had a child with the xNH because I am free of all ties today.

 

Don't waste your time asking if he regrets leaving, if he ever loved you, does he think about you. The answer is always NO because we were all nothing but supply to feed their broken self-esteem. They are broken, whether from a childhood event or from birth, but there is no helping them - no drugs, no therapy, nothing.

 

Don't wonder if he is happy today with his new supply because, yes he is - until she no longer feeds his unending need of supply. One day she will be where you are today - it may take a month, a year, or even years, but she will be where you are guaranteed.

 

Don't waste your time wondering where that wonderful man went - he was never real. That is the facade that he wears to fool you into becoming his supply. That wonderful caring, sensitive man with the boyish charm was never real. It is a behavior he learned as a child to get his way and win people over but it is never real. For me, I saw his dead empty eyes enough times to know that there is nothing there - no soul, nothing.

 

I feel for you since you lost your friends because of his charm. I was lucky that I had a separate life from my xN so I had support when I left him.

 

Don't try to change people's mind, N's are notoriously adept at laying on the charm and making you look like the crazy one, the B***H, the obsessive one who can't let go, generally making you take all the blame for everything. Move on - make new friends with people who don't know him because people just do not want to believe that they were fooled by a monster and they will never accept what you have to say as the truth.

 

It will take time to heal from a N because it feels like they stole your soul and your spirit but they haven't - you just have to give yourself some time to find them again.

 

And take your time in finding someone new. Either you will suspect all decent men or you will fall for another narcissist. Give yourself time to heal.

[Whatshername]

Thank you HappyAgain, your words were very well put and heartfelt. I feel your pain as will. I also divorced an N, and this one was really different in many ways, but similar in enough that I SHOULD have run at his first deer in the headlight stare. My exH is the only person, other than this exBF, in my entire life, who could totally ignore you when you spoke to them. Both were career military, which for me, will never happen again. Coincidence, I am sure, but nonetheless.

 

What is hardest, is to feel like you are loved and then they turn theirs off, COMPLETELY, and as you say, are blank, soul-less, uncaring. Heck he even told me when I was reeling; waiting for an apology....."I don't care", yet he was still wanting a relationship with me. Also he said he more or less did not respect me, that because of "MY" faults, he didn't see me as his equal and therefore did not care what I felt about the things he was discussing with the OW. Mindblowing.

 

I do somehow feel, it is rooted to a disrespect of all women. His mother turned him over to his father at 13,when she remarried and his father was a drunk. His father refused to let him go back to his mother. His mother was already overseas with a new husband, then his dad deployed as well, and he moved in with his cold, mean grandmother. His father and brother are both TOTAL loners, living 2 hrs apart and NO contact between them, nor is anyone else in their lives. He got his first gf pregnant....she was 16, he 18.

I did find it odd that the exBF has reconnected with his father and talks to him, 3-4 times a week, and has apparently forgiven/let go of ill feelings from years ago. WOW, I guess that is his constant supply...even though non-sexual.

 

It's a new day!

Go Steelers!

[makelemonade1974]

Thank you girls for all your comments. I am thinking of taking a break from dating for a while because I am just not over all of this. It is amazing what actors these people are - SO charming. I was starting to see what he was at the end, that's why I think (in retrospect) I was discarded. It used to irritate the heck out of me how he would charm everyone in the room and then go home and scream at me.

 

I'm thinking I might give up dating for a while - at least the online dating. I'm pretty and have guys hit on me all the time - I just can't find anyone who measures up to the original image I had of him. Nobody compares to that "love" feeling I had when I first met him. I'm just hoping time heals everything. At least I am learning about his disorder, forgiving myself, and surrounding myself with healthy people. I've met some new friends that are not connected with him and generally think he's an ass.

 

Good luck to all of you in your healing. Be glad you discovered your N before it was too late.

[z00m25]

oh my god this describes my ex perfectly. this explains so much thank god i stumbled into this forum. i couldnt figure out why she got over the breakup so quick and why she was acting the way she was but this pretty much describes her down to the wire.

[HappyAgain]

Thank you HappyAgain, your words were very well put and heartfelt. I feel your pain as will. I also divorced an N, and this one was really different in many ways, but similar in enough that I SHOULD have run at his first deer in the headlight stare. My exH is the only person, other than this exBF, in my entire life, who could totally ignore you when you spoke to them. Both were career military, which for me, will never happen again. Coincidence, I am sure, but nonetheless.

 

What is hardest, is to feel like you are loved and then they turn theirs off, COMPLETELY, and as you say, are blank, soul-less, uncaring. Heck he even told me when I was reeling; waiting for an apology....."I don't care", yet he was still wanting a relationship with me. Also he said he more or less did not respect me, that because of "MY" faults, he didn't see me as his equal and therefore did not care what I felt about the things he was discussing with the OW. Mindblowing.

 

I do somehow feel, it is rooted to a disrespect of all women. His mother turned him over to his father at 13,when she remarried and his father was a drunk. His father refused to let him go back to his mother. His mother was already overseas with a new husband, then his dad deployed as well, and he moved in with his cold, mean grandmother. His father and brother are both TOTAL loners, living 2 hrs apart and NO contact between them, nor is anyone else in their lives. He got his first gf pregnant....she was 16, he 18.

I did find it odd that the exBF has reconnected with his father and talks to him, 3-4 times a week, and has apparently forgiven/let go of ill feelings from years ago. WOW, I guess that is his constant supply...even though non-sexual.

 

It's a new day!

Go Steelers!

 

 

Most, if not all male narcissists (who make up 80% of narcissists), have absolutely no respect from women. My xN is a somatic narcissist and although he uses sex and needs sexual admiration, underneath it all he quite literally despises women. All you are is an object for sexual gratification. If you think back, how many times did your ex truly want to know about you - your dreams, your hopes, what you were feeling? Did he ever want to really know you or did he manipulate the conversation to end up talking about himself, his life, his problems? Were your problems brushed off as not so important but his were tantamount?

 

Mine did the same thing with the father. His father abandoned him after his parent's divorce and didn't talk to him for many many years but now they are buddy buddy. It was all the mother's fault and his life was "ruined by her." The only thing my xFIL doesn't know is that his son doesn't truly give a fig about him - he is only keeping in touch with him now because he has no one else to turn to - he has burned all his other bridges.

 

A narcissist doesn't love anyone but themselves and don't doubt that for one minute.

[depplover_1980]

Lemonade - I got really ill with back/nerve problems before they diagnosed me as having fibromyalgia and he was disgusted that I always had something wrong with me. Sucks losers.

 

I know I laugh now but really you have to eventually, you cannot allow these freaks to do any permanent damage to you as they are mental.

[geegirl]

xN hates women too. He once told me after we had broken up that he hates women. I asked him that if he hated women, why does he have so much history with women (as in relationships every 6 months) and he said, "Well, I look at women as an ugly pair of shoes that I have to wear because they're comfortable." And you will never meet a man with such hatred and disgust for his mother. She is going through some serious medical issues and all he will say is, "I hate her and even if she dies, I will not feel a thing."

 

Yes, they view women as objects. I thought I was different. Nope. I was an object too. The only reason he stayed around so lonh was because I was lapping it up with a smile! Dummy. He used to alwasy tell me that I am naive and gullible and that I should try to be a little bit more stronger as he was worried that people would take advantage of me. I didn't realize he was talking about himself.

 

In the end, I see I was an ugly shoe.