Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[geegirl]

Thank you HappyAgain. Your words are very comforting. Gives me hope that I will soon get to a better place. There are days where I feel so beaten up and completely humiliated but I know I was honest and sincere. I had no ill intent and that keeps my conscience clear. I can't say the same for him.

[suddendumpee]

Has anyone ever gone through therapy following a breakup and discovered their ex has NPD?

 

http://www.gorgelink.org/vaknin/NPDQuotes.pdf

 

Having been "devalued and discarded," how do you get closure? I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences. I'm 4 1/2 mths out of a relationship with an NPD and am just starting to get my bearings again.

 

The amount of disorders and syndromes these days is getting ridiculous. Please realize that these disorders are nothing more than a classification of personality traits that are deemed negative by someone who is attempting to define "normal". The psychiatric community is getting carried away in an attempt to offer treatment for more and more "conditions". It's all about the money. If none of the defined "disorders" existed in life, people would be very similar to one another and what fun would that be?

 

I'm sure it's easier for people to heal their rejection after a breakup by assuming their SO had some mental disorder, but let's get real here:

 

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

"Grass is Greener Syndrome"

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

"Bi-Polar Disorder"

 

Let's go back to the basics and realize that there are only TWO "disorders" that cause people to break-up in very cold/unthoughtful ways:

 

"He's an a$shole"

and

"She's a b*tch"

[makelemonade1974]

The amount of disorders and syndromes these days is getting ridiculous. Please realize that these disorders are nothing more than a classification of personality traits that are deemed negative by someone who is attempting to define "normal". The psychiatric community is getting carried away in an attempt to offer treatment for more and more "conditions". It's all about the money. If none of the defined "disorders" existed in life, people would be very similar to one another and what fun would that be?

 

I'm sure it's easier for people to heal their rejection after a breakup by assuming their SO had some mental disorder, but let's get real here:

 

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

"Grass is Greener Syndrome"

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

"Bi-Polar Disorder"

 

Let's go back to the basics and realize that there are only TWO "disorders" that cause people to break-up in very cold/unthoughtful ways:

 

"He's an a$shole"

and

"She's a b*tch"

 

I think you need to actually educate yourself on NPD to understand what you're talking about. Yes, there are personality disorders out there, but being involved with an NPD and dealing with the rages and psychological abuse will utterly destroy you. You have no idea. I can be a "bitch" and an "*******." So can you (obviously). But we both have the capacity to feel empathy for other people (at least I hope you do). What victims of this type of abuse need is validation, not criticism. If you haven't experienced it, then good for you. I hope something like that never happens to you.

[suddendumpee]

I think you need to actually educate yourself on NPD to understand what you're talking about. Yes, there are personality disorders out there, but being involved with an NPD and dealing with the rages and psychological abuse will utterly destroy you. You have no idea. I can be a "bitch" and an "*******." So can you (obviously). But we both have the capacity to feel empathy for other people (at least I hope you do). What victims of this type of abuse need is validation, not criticism. If you haven't experienced it, then good for you. I hope something like that never happens to you.

 

I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, so I have plenty of education on these conditions. It is commonly known in the community that snake-oilers are constantly trying to fill things in the DSM-IV classification for the purpose of broadening their spectrum of diagnosis, thereby increasing revenue.

 

And I'm not being an a**hole, I'm just being real with you. You are trying to push blame on your SO for the failures of your relationship, and this will not help you grow. You cannot change this person, only yourself. If you chose to stay in a relationship that was filled with rage and psychological abuse, then you need to look within for the cause of your pain.

 

By the way, there has been a lot of talk about this stuff on the board lately, so my response (while quoting your orig. post) was not intended to single you out or criticize you. I was simply offering my perspective on this (and other similar) situations...but you're defensiveness and name calling in the face of debate speaks volumes.

[HappyAgain]

The amount of disorders and syndromes these days is getting ridiculous. Please realize that these disorders are nothing more than a classification of personality traits that are deemed negative by someone who is attempting to define "normal". The psychiatric community is getting carried away in an attempt to offer treatment for more and more "conditions". It's all about the money. If none of the defined "disorders" existed in life, people would be very similar to one another and what fun would that be?

 

I'm sure it's easier for people to heal their rejection after a breakup by assuming their SO had some mental disorder, but let's get real here:

 

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

"Grass is Greener Syndrome"

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

"Bi-Polar Disorder"

 

Let's go back to the basics and realize that there are only TWO "disorders" that cause people to break-up in very cold/unthoughtful ways:

 

"He's an a$shole"

and

"She's a b*tch"

 

 

Spoken like someone who has never gone through it or a narcissist themselves. If you haven't lived through it, and hopefully you never will, don't make automatic assumptions that other people are just trying to find justifications for being dumped as you state because someone of us did the dumping not the other way around. Honestly, if you have no idea what you are talking about don't talk.

[kourtney01]

omg Thank you for positing this...I read the link...incredible how much I can relate to these 2 quotes:

 

[sIZE=1]"I went back to him a dozen times, each time somehow thinking it was different, that maybe now that we had addressed all the issues and brought everything into the open, and he admitted he had treated me badly … it would change. And it WOULD go back to (almost) how it had been, but each time that honeymoon period would last a shorter and shorter amount of time. It absolutely wrecked me – my self-esteem has never been lower than during my years with him."

[/sIZE]

 

"If some man were to say to your daughter: 'Here's the deal, sweetie. For several months or so, I'm going to pretend to be everything you ever wanted. I'll shower you with attention, affection and all manner of stuff to make you feel special. Then, once I know you're depending on me as your significant other, and have made a commitment, I'm going to quit pretending and be who I really am. I'm going to start treating you really badly, I'll say insensitive things, I'll lie, I'll cheat, I'll be really cruel, possibly humiliate you in public. Hey, I might even beat you. Your job will be to figure out what happened and do everything in your power to restore the relationship to what it was, until you either die, try to kill yourself, or collapse and get sent to hospital, which will be pretty funny because there's no chance whatsoever I'll ever pretend to be that 'nice guy' again – and by the way, it WAS a pretence. So what do you say, sweetie? Do we have a deal? Several years of hell in exchange for a few months of fantasy?'

If your daughter whipped out the pen to ink the deal, you'd smack her"

 

Except for the second example...mine did recreate the fantasy...over and over and over...which was followed by hell over and over

 

I wish I could tell you how to cope/get over it....

 

But I was engaged to one up until a few weeks ago and have not even managed to get a grip one the hundreds of different emotions you experience after soemthing like this...

 

How did you cope so far?

[kourtney01]

[quote I'm thinking I might give up dating for a while - at least the online dating. I'm pretty and have guys hit on me all the time - I just can't find anyone who measures up to the original image I had of him. Nobody compares to that "love" feeling I had when I first met him. I'm just hoping time heals everything. At least I am learning about his disorder, forgiving myself, and surrounding myself with healthy people. I've met some new friends that are not connected with him and generally think he's an ass. QUOTE]

 

OMG I feel the exact same way...

 

As much as it hurts...try to remind yourself that the 'love' feeling was not experienced by both of you equally... you loved unconditionally...his love had all sorts of conditions

 

In my case, I know he really loved me...unfortunately, he loved himself much much more... he actually used the love he had for me to justify all of his other behaviors... ex: it doesn't matter if he cheated because he only loves me, it's his love for me that got him acting so crazy, he felt so gulity that he hurt someone he loved that he just gave up and became the dog I always thought he was...lol..etc etc etc

 

Fell better! It has been a few weeks for me and I gotta say... I also hope there's light at the end of this tunnel... he contacts me regulalry, but I know I'll just let myself get sucked into his web of lies deceit and crazy tactics if I respond in kind. So I'm forcing myself to stop loving someone who I'm madly in love with...hard, but necessary.

 

Remeber: at this point, it's either you or him...you can't have both so which one would you rather loose?

[makelemonade1974]

I'm coping by going to therapy and trying to deal with the issues that attract me to those types of men in the first place. No contact is huge for healing and can help you regain your power. I read a book called "narcissistic lovers" that was really helpful. Meditation and yoga will help to calm you. And for many of us who deal with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of the abuse, medication can be helpful.

 

The less contact you have with him the better. And continue to educate yourself - that is the only way to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. These men are addictive, charming, often attractive and successful.

 

And I hate to even respond to this nonsense from Suddendumpee, but seriously dude. I can't believe you practice psychology and go around bullying people on internet forums. Nobody here is merely trying to blame their partner for the failures of the relationship. Some victims of NPD are the ones who leave. Emotional abuse is real. And many of us do blame ourselves entirely. That is part of the game - the criticism, the gaslighting. The victim of NPD leaves the relationship with no self-esteem left. None. What your saying not only doesn't help. It's just plain rude.

[HappyAgain]

I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, so I have plenty of education on these conditions. It is commonly known in the community that snake-oilers are constantly trying to fill things in the DSM-IV classification for the purpose of broadening their spectrum of diagnosis, thereby increasing revenue.

 

And I'm not being an a**hole, I'm just being real with you. You are trying to push blame on your SO for the failures of your relationship, and this will not help you grow. You cannot change this person, only yourself. If you chose to stay in a relationship that was filled with rage and psychological abuse, then you need to look within for the cause of your pain.

 

By the way, there has been a lot of talk about this stuff on the board lately, so my response (while quoting your orig. post) was not intended to single you out or criticize you. I was simply offering my perspective on this (and other similar) situations...but you're defensiveness and name calling in the face of debate speaks volumes.

 

 

I can see the point you are making and I agree that in order to heal you have to see what the cause is inside of yourself to have stayed in this relationship - that is a given.

 

However, whether we assign a name to it or not, the experience with people who are such extreme a****es/b****es remains the same. I have never assigned blame to my xN for all the problems, that's what the therapy was for was to understand where my pain originated from for choosing to stay in that relationship. Does that remove the fact that you need to talk to people, to share experiences so that you can stop asking yourself if you are the crazy one? No it doesn't.

 

Yes, some people throw the words around too easily and jump on the "mine was too" bandwagon but there are some who have gone through the real trauma and need to talk, at least until they are ready to start working on themselves.

[HappyAgain]

I'm coping by going to therapy and trying to deal with the issues that attract me to those types of men in the first place. No contact is huge for healing and can help you regain your power. I read a book called "narcissistic lovers" that was really helpful. Meditation and yoga will help to calm you. And for many of us who deal with post traumatic stress disorder as a result of the abuse, medication can be helpful.

 

The less contact you have with him the better. And continue to educate yourself - that is the only way to deal with the withdrawal symptoms. These men are addictive, charming, often attractive and successful.

 

And I hate to even respond to this nonsense from Suddendumpee, but seriously dude. I can't believe you practice psychology and go around bullying people on internet forums. Nobody here is merely trying to blame their partner for the failures of the relationship. Some victims of NPD are the ones who leave. Emotional abuse is real. And many of us do blame ourselves entirely. That is part of the game - the criticism, the gaslighting. The victim of NPD leaves the relationship with no self-esteem left. None. What your saying not only doesn't help. It's just plain rude.

 

 

Beautifully worded lemonade!

 

And your last comments about your self-esteem being non-existent and accepting all the blame is absolutely true. It took me a while to rebuild mine but it can be done. For me personally, after leaving my xN and starting to heal, I felt like I had stopped growing when I was 20 and have now morphed into this whole brand new wonderful person who some days I don't even recognize! It's an amazing feeling! OTOH, people who have been in my life for a long time say that they always knew I was that person, I was just buried under all of that guilt and shame from my xN.

 

Cutting contact is an absolute must. As easily as they have cut you out of their lives you must do the same - even if they come back begging because they lost their most recent "object" which most will do in a heartbeat.

[Taramere]

This happened to me also.

 

And it's true. The only way you can move on is to educate yourself about it.

 

I strongly disagree with this...and I do so having gone through that whole "I had a sham of a relationship with a narcissist" thing several years back. Even somebody with a lot of knowledge in this area is not equipped to pass a diagnosis of NPD on somebody who broke up with them in a callous manner. One just can't have the necessary level of objectivity and detachment to make that call in such a situation.

 

By definition, the dumper is out of your life - and the focus should be on moving on from them as quickly as possible. That's not achieved by dwelling on the thought of whether or not they have a mental health problem, and reading up exhaustively on whatever mental health problem you think they might have.

 

If people have a compulsion to keep reading up on NPD, and diagnosing their exes with it, then there's nothing I can say to dissuade them from it. All I can say is that I've been there, and if I could turn back the clock I would not have wasted so much time in an exercise that was of no substantive benefit.

 

Perhaps people have to find out for themselves that reading up exhaustively about NPD, and marvelling over the extent to which their ex seems to fit all the diagnostic criteria, is a time-wasting activity that holds up the moving on process.

[geegirl]

makelemondae: Keep going to therapy. I am too. I've been attarcted to these types too and while I can focus on the what's and how's and why's of these men, the focus from now on needs to revolve around me/us. Keep NC, keep going to therapy, read what helps you move forward and toss the rest.

Edited February 2, 2011 by geegirl

[makelemonade1974]

I strongly disagree with this...and I do so having gone through that whole "I had a sham of a relationship with a narcissist" thing several years back. Even somebody with a lot of knowledge in this area is not equipped to pass a diagnosis of NPD on somebody who broke up with them in a callous manner. One just can't have the necessary level of objectivity and detachment to make that call in such a situation.

 

By definition, the dumper is out of your life - and the focus should be on moving on from them as quickly as possible. That's not achieved by dwelling on the thought of whether or not they have a mental health problem, and reading up exhaustively on whatever mental health problem you think they might have.

 

If people have a compulsion to keep reading up on NPD, and diagnosing their exes with it, then there's nothing I can say to dissuade them from it. All I can say is that I've been there, and if I could turn back the clock I would not have wasted so much time in an exercise that was of no substantive benefit.

 

Perhaps people have to find out for themselves that reading up exhaustively about NPD, and marvelling over the extent to which their ex seems to fit all the diagnostic criteria, is a time-wasting activity that holds up the moving on process.

 

My therapist was the one who, after hearing my story, suggested I might inquire into support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse. I was only sharing what has been working for me, as forgetting who I was dealing with only tempted me to over-romanticize my ex, try to contact him, and fantasize about a reunion.

 

You are right, it may not be helpful for people to "dwell" on their ex's problems or perceived problems. We should instead be engaged in serious self-examination. I think, however, it is normal to try and figure out what went wrong in the relationship after it ends abruptly. And sometimes we have to dwell on our problems in order to work through them and become stronger people.

[WSeeker]

I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, so I have plenty of education on these conditions. It is commonly known in the community that snake-oilers are constantly trying to fill things in the DSM-IV classification for the purpose of broadening their spectrum of diagnosis, thereby increasing revenue.

 

And I'm not being an a**hole, I'm just being real with you. You are trying to push blame on your SO for the failures of your relationship, and this will not help you grow. You cannot change this person, only yourself. If you chose to stay in a relationship that was filled with rage and psychological abuse, then you need to look within for the cause of your pain.

 

By the way, there has been a lot of talk about this stuff on the board lately, so my response (while quoting your orig. post) was not intended to single you out or criticize you. I was simply offering my perspective on this (and other similar) situations...but you're defensiveness and name calling in the face of debate speaks volumes.

 

I totally agree with this argument by suddendumpee.

 

What keeps bugging me is why do women stay with guys that are being awful to them? If they stay why are they crying about that?

 

I mean its not middle ages where a woman has to stay married to a man cause of a sheer survival or a prehistoric time where a grunt with a club was a line between life and death. Women decide when a sex is gonna happen, they have all they can wish in their life, they can be independent, they can have a several children from different guys, meaning they'll have them under their influence, AND yet.....when they encounter an emotional abuser they pursue him to the end of the world.

 

In their mad pursuit, maybe someone's gonna be nice to them, bring them flowers ask them to date. But they are gonna be cast aside like emotional abuser is casting them aside.

 

You cannot answer this question, 'cause women don't choose men based on logic. I am just offering a different view on things.

Edited February 2, 2011 by WSeeker

[Taramere]

My therapist was the one who, after hearing my story, suggested I might inquire into support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse. I was only sharing what has been working for me, as forgetting who I was dealing with only tempted me to over-romanticize my ex, try to contact him, and fantasize about a reunion.

 

I think that if you've been in an abusive relationship, it makes sense to get help in coming to terms with what happened - and, very importantly, getting back to your old self.

 

You are right, it may not be helpful for people to "dwell" on their ex's problems or perceived problems. We should instead be engaged in serious self-examination. I think, however, it is normal to try and figure out what went wrong in the relationship after it ends abruptly. And sometimes we have to dwell on our problems in order to work through them and become stronger people.

 

Although I don't think the examination of NPD is helpful, I understand it totally. I should do, as I did the same thing myself. I think when you're in a place where your self esteem has been very badly bashed, you start looking for messages that you're okay. You've probably heard of transactional analysis.

 

http://www.transactionalanalysis.eu/key-ideas-in-transactional-analysis

 

At the end of a relationship, it's pretty hard to be in that "I'm okay, you're okay" frame of mind. I think a lot of people who seem to be there are often having to fake it until they make it. If somebody has continually been abusive to you in a relationship - or, even if not overtly abusive, have continually behaved in some very antisocial ways that you tolerated - then it's going to be much harder to feel okay about yourself. It might be fair to assume that an abusive person has a fairly significant problem, whatever label you want to put on it. However, we can't really contemplate "there was something wrong with him/her" without also being struck by the disconcerting notion that there must also be something wrong with us for having become attracted into a relationship with that person.

 

Reading up about NPD lets us escape from that horrible notion. Narcissists have everybody fooled, they put on a grand act etc etc. A bit like psychopaths - it's not a great source of shame to be fooled by one. You only need to be a trusting sort of person.

 

The truth for most of us is probably somewhere between the two extremes of being

a) a maladjusted person who attracted another maladjusted person

b) an innocent, trusting individual who was duped by a narcissistic fiend.

 

In the vast area between those two extremes, are most of us....plugging away, being human, making mistakes, learning hard lessons, gaining experience, finding out about our own strengths and weaknesses. Too much emphasis on NPD encourages us to see ourselves in terms of that horribly objectifying phrase "a narcissistic supply source". It can keep a person chained to the memory of a bad break-up for longer than they need to be.

Edited February 2, 2011 by Taramere

[geegirl]

WSeeker:

 

We are all not of the same make. In looking back, I take full accountability for my actions and my involvement with these men. While I am hurt and angered by how someone can get to such a level, I am accountable. Why does one stay in an abusive relationship? I don't know. Maybe lack of self-worth due to a damaged childhood. Maybe the need for validation and approval due to lack of self-esteem. Maybe the intense need to feel loved.

 

My parents were abusive alcoholics and all I've ever known is chaos, trauma and violence. I repeat the same things in my current life by seeking (could be) types that evoke those same bad feelings I used to have growing up as a child. Maybe that is all I know. I seek therapy now to find out why I do what I do, how to find self worth and find ways to love myself and find what is healthy and normal in life.

 

It's not as simple as saying, "Oh, you asked for it. You shouldn't have stayed." My father physically abused my mother and I since I was a child to my mid-twenties. You don't just walk out of that unscathed feeling empowered ready to make all the right decisions in life. Your wounds follow you for a long time.

 

We can all sit around and say "You deserve what you get for staying." I don't think it is as simple as that. We are all not made the same. We all have had different experiences in life that structure the choices we make. There are underlying and deeply ingrained issues that fester in us that cause us or some of us to stay. We or at least I am accountable as I ignored some of the red flags. But I am trying to now find out why is that when the red flags are there, I walk towards them instead of running.

Edited February 2, 2011 by geegirl

[suddendumpee]

And I hate to even respond to this nonsense from Suddendumpee, but seriously dude. I can't believe you practice psychology and go around bullying people on internet forums. Nobody here is merely trying to blame their partner for the failures of the relationship. Some victims of NPD are the ones who leave. Emotional abuse is real. And many of us do blame ourselves entirely. That is part of the game - the criticism, the gaslighting. The victim of NPD leaves the relationship with no self-esteem left. None. What your saying not only doesn't help. It's just plain rude.

 

To be clear, I have a Masters in Psych, and I continue to read a lot of journals strictly because I'm interested, but I do NOT practice.

 

Nevertheless, I would like to know which part of my first post would be considered bullying? It was obviously a generalized statement (hence the use of "they" and "them" instead of "you") on the free tossing around of "disorders" instead of looking within for the cause of your problems. And it DOES make it easier to blame the partner...always.

 

It's obviously that when someone poses a theory that disagrees with your own, you take an aggressive stance and accuse them of bullying. Whatever. Those to get involved with violent and abusive people are drawn to a certain quality that is present in those personality types. Those that STAY in those relationships choose to do so because of their OWN issues. And since I have to be crystal clear, so as not to offend you: THE VAST MAJORITY, not ALL people enter these relationship becuase of an unhealthy relationship between their parents.

 

I'm sorry if my statistical facts are rude.

[suddendumpee]

double post

[deadhead88]

I just wanted to say that I am one of the few guys (I guess) to have had an ex girlfriend who is an "N." Looking back at our relationship and the way she handled the breakup (lied about the reasons why to make herself feel like a "good" person and less guilty) this is exactly the type of person she was. Controlling, manipulative, selfish, high expectations, etc. And now she is with someone else and acts like nothing happened. So just letting you know that guys can have exes who are an "N" as well. It pains to me to look back the way she treated me during and after the relationship. Especially during because despite how horrible she was to me and my feelings, I still loved her.

[z00m25]

I just wanted to say that I am one of the few guys (I guess) to have had an ex girlfriend who is an "N." Looking back at our relationship and the way she handled the breakup (lied about the reasons why to make herself feel like a "good" person and less guilty) this is exactly the type of person she was. Controlling, manipulative, selfish, high expectations, etc. And now she is with someone else and acts like nothing happened. So just letting you know that guys can have exes who are an "N" as well. It pains to me to look back the way she treated me during and after the relationship. Especially during because despite how horrible she was to me and my feelings, I still loved her.

 

my ex was the same way. we got in one pretty big fight and then she decided she was never coming back, i had called her and she was leading me on that she was going to give me another chance but really she had already interviewed for a job and made other living arrangements(without telling me had to hear about it from someone else and when i asked if her if she had anything to tell me she said she had nothing to hide. obviously more lies) she lied about setting up a date to divide her stuff and just showed up without telling me, luckily i had changed the locks after hearing about all her new plans so she couldnt clean me out and then once she got home she started talking to everyone and their brother including all of her old ex's including the "crazy" one who ****ed around with all her friends when she left him for me. keep in mind this was all within a week of the fight lmao

 

the question is should i let her know shes a "N" and get in her head to piss her off. i really dont care about getting back with her at this point. this is the 2nd time shes kicked me to the curb and i know history will repeat itself. everything i read on that link describes her perfectly.

[HappyAgain]

It amazes me that people who have nothing to really share in the conversation love to enter it and start telling people how they should feel or that they are at fault as if they know it all. Why in heavens name would you want to tell someone who feels that they were abused that they have no right to feel like they do or the standard "just get over it"??

 

Honestly, if you were told to join a support group by your therapist to find other people to talk through what you experienced, there are many really good support forums on the Internet where the members have been through what you have and where you won't feel like you are being bashed - LS is not one of them. The one listed at the beginning of this thread is good; unfortunately, the one I had been a member of that was extremely helpful has closed but there still are many out there. Do a search for abuse forums.

 

Good luck and goodbye as I am leaving LS - it just isn't worth it here with all these self-proclaimed experts of nothing.

[Whatshername]

Well, if you read back, my exN cheated on me........maybe not all the way to having sex with her...but lies, deceptions, sexting, kisses......CHEATING.

BAD bc she was his exGF of 4 yrs, and older than him by 9 yrs and older than me by 5. She KNEW we were together and set out on a mission to seduce/lure him. (I heard she was the QUEEN of BJs..... meh!)

 

 

I found out initially bc I intercepted a text he refused to get.....it kept buzzing and though I had never looked in his phone, he was acting damned funny.

 

The text said "Wow, that kiss really got me going.......". I was like wtf? WHO? What kiss? OMG, funny thing is, now that I remember it all clearly, he got MAD at ME! I asked him then and there to call her and tell her to stop contacting him HE REFUSED! {AND he said he almost had half a mind to send me packing, what, now does he have to hide his phone? That was a weird night, and weekend........after that, she promised dinner AND dessert.......and WHO KNOWS the truth?

 

Ok, Ok, nuf said, but after this, it got all sort of ugly.

 

I called him TODAY and left a voice mail, in which I FINALLY voiced my anger at his actions. Anger because he trashed my trust in him, my faithfulness, my love, as well as our future all for a few fleeting moments of lust.

 

I was yelling! At the N !!!!!(why did we NEVER do this to their face????????) You know why, don't rock the boat, it gets rocked easily enough and surely you will get called on your "drama"........(their drama).

 

Ok, so I basically ripped him a new one, venting. I told him that then and there I ought to have smashed his phone, walked out, and let him have her any which way he pleased. I told him, I should have dumped him, am sorry I didn't and that it would have been better to have spent Christmas without him, and his expensive "guilt gifts", than to know now that he had done all sorts of crap behind my back and spent the holiday acting like an angel at my house FOR DAYS with my grown children. I told him I hated what he did and that he was a coward not to face me an apologize. I was shaking and near tears, but

 

IT FELT GOOD!

 

Who gives a hoot if he got off on it, it let me get out what needed to be said that I could never scream into his face!

 

My daughter told me once, that it takes 6 weeks of NC to stop thinking about them every day.

Crap, now I am at square one on that!

Edited February 3, 2011 by Whatshername

[geegirl]

Whatshername:

 

You did what you needed to do.

 

Get back on that wagon again! Sometimes it takes a few stumbles and falls before we stick to our resolution. As long as you get back on again, that's all that matters. Worse case scenario, you could be still stuck in that rut. Plus you're not starting from square one. The distance that you have had so far has allowed you to recover to some degree...so you've not fallen all the way back in that sense.

 

HappyAgain:

 

I agree. People come here to find support. It's bad enough that there's pain and confusion involved but then you have to justify and argue with faceless people as to why you feel the way you do because some people feel that their way is the only way. People may have their masters in psychology and whatever pieces of papers they have but they certainly have no sense in how to communicate in a constructive and compassionate way, specifically when contributions are just callous and dismissive. Even when there are opposing thoughts, there should be a degree of sensitivity.

 

There are other forums that are very helpful and resourceful. I agree.

Edited February 3, 2011 by geegirl

[comethemorning]

Wow. I'm sorry, but I am with Sudden in this. Until you have encountered a sociopathic/narcissist for real, it is very easy to ascertain that "your" SO had some sort of "disorder". You want read a story about someone who TRULY suffered with this "disorder"? Read here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t255856/

 

That my friends, is someone who had/has a serious mental problem. As well, that is a very abridged version of the events.

 

 

The amount of disorders and syndromes these days is getting ridiculous. Please realize that these disorders are nothing more than a classification of personality traits that are deemed negative by someone who is attempting to define "normal". The psychiatric community is getting carried away in an attempt to offer treatment for more and more "conditions". It's all about the money. If none of the defined "disorders" existed in life, people would be very similar to one another and what fun would that be?

 

I'm sure it's easier for people to heal their rejection after a breakup by assuming their SO had some mental disorder, but let's get real here:

 

"Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

"Grass is Greener Syndrome"

"Borderline Personality Disorder"

"Bi-Polar Disorder"

 

Let's go back to the basics and realize that there are only TWO "disorders" that cause people to break-up in very cold/unthoughtful ways:

 

"He's an a$shole"

and

"She's a b*tch"

 

^^^This.

 

I'm sorry, but you can convince yourself that anyone has a disorder if you read the right material. No one wants to take responsibility for their own poor choices anymore. It is always a "flaw" in the other person. It seems as thought whenever something bad to someone anymore, it is because the other person has/had a problem. You know what? Maybe, they just "weren't that into you" anymore.

 

Now, are there actually cases where people suffer from 'emotional abuse' in a relationship? Yes. But again as Sudden says, it is usually a case where the 'abused' has issues of their own. Especially in cases where the 'abused' keeps returning the situation - known as "co-dependency". In these instances, it the 'abused' who is suffering from a 'disorder'.

 

Sometimes things just don't work out the way they are supposed to. Or the way we want them to. Does it hurt? Damn straight it does. But the important thing is, did you learn anything from the experience? If you are finding yourself being attracted to the same type of person who is suffering from a 'disorder', the answer is obviously not. And until you learn 'the lesson' or receive help for your own issues, you will continue to go through the same thing again and again, all the while wondering why everyone treats you so horribly.

 

And as for the PTSD - again, one of those things too easy to attribute to oneself. As a PTSD sufferer, I take umbrage that many people state they have this after the end of a relationship. My suffering has NOTHING to due with the end of my relationship - it has EVERYTHING to do with all those things I didn't know about. When you are woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat due to the nightmares, you freeze while driving at the sight of a black truck, when you are in a catatonic state for days on end, when you cry for what appears to be no reason at all, when you see the 'ghost' everywhere you look, when the flashbacks can give you an instant panic attack, amongst many other things, that is PTSD.

 

Seriously, I would trade everything I am going through for a plain old fashioned broken heart. Because what I am living, is HE11.

 

Peace.

[suddendumpee]

Like I said, my original post was not singling out the OP. Nor is there anything in that post that would be considered cold or callous. I was simply offering another way to look at things. I offered the same advice any deserving counselor would give. Sometimes ignoring the issues of the person who hurt you, and focusing on your own issues which brought the situation in to your life is the HARDEST thing to do, but it is necessary and the most important way to heal.

 

If my opposing viewpoint will be construed as cold, callous, and insensitive, and worthy of being called an "a$shole", then so be it. It's reality, and reality isn't always easy. Anyone who would support you efforts to focus on the issues of people you can't control, is enabling your own dysfunction, and you will continue to find yourself in these situations. And YES, there are counselors who will do this intentionally. Why? Because it prevents you from healing quickly. It's also what you WANT to hear, so you keep coming back. You see the reaction when someone says something you DON'T want to hear. They want you to need them and their help for as long as possible. Psychology is one of the shadiest medical practices around (which is why I didn't pursue my PHD). You can't survive as a practitioner by helping people properly these days. They try to draw things out. There are set plans and guidelines to ensure that your progress is slow and steady and COMFORTABLE. They are more like salespeople than healers these days. Much in the same way that drug companies are interested in finding lifelong treatments instead of cures. It's big business. Ask any intern or PA about the industry.

 

And keep in mind, I'm not one to throw credentials around, but when someone tells me to educate myself on the subject I've spent 7 years educating myself on...well.