Narcissistic Personality Disorder

[Whatshername]

Having divorced an N and just getting out of another relationship with an N, I would say that there is something to being drawn to "someone similar".

 

Strange......the ex bf N had me take a personality test early on and he also had the woman he used to date take it. We are identical personalities and our Bdays are 2 days apart.

 

Ok, that is not as significant as to finding out WHY I was such a good "victim". Get this: his ex gf and I were both married to soldiers and had bad divorces after 20 plus years. HE dated each of us 4.5 years. Still not very important, but WEIRD.

 

He needed attention, but so did I. He gave me enough, long enough to let me know he "loved me" and we were pretty close, as well as intimately close. BUT, when I had a need, for anything "normal", he would not give it, not do it: hence "withholding" affection, just as my ex did. Some N's are possessive, some with hold affection. He refused to compromise, well almost never!

 

I know I should NEVER have gone back with him, the very first time, he shut me out and refused to talk or take my calls. Nooooooo I had to go running back, to "reason" with him.......just as I had when my marriage was falling apart and the ex N H was drinking like a fish....... no reasoning could keep me from pushing him further and further away..........

 

So.......while I feel very "normal", I also know that I have been rejected.........this time add cheating to the mix. Something about that, makes you crave acceptance, and to have your love/position in the relationship validated, which the N cannot do. It is THEY who get validated, and they dang well will do it at your expense and have your head reeling in the process.

 

No more, I am getting OFF of the roller coaster. I know the signs. I WILL heed them. I will read "Why Men Love Bitches" like a Bible......if i have to. No more door mat, no more trying to be what they want me to be, no more not going to church because he doesn't want to go, no more being involved with a man who cannot empathize or care how I feel. No more rushing in physically without friendship first. No more giving way too much too soon.

 

I fell for him, and that was my downfall. We think they need us, and they SEEM helpless, but little do we know that they are so beguiling and snakelike, that they sneak right in where it hurts the most, and steal our very innocence, our trust, and we never saw it coming.

 

I am not a weak person, in fact just the opposite. Very outspoken, strongwilled, etc. BUT with both the exN H and the ex N BF I was afraid to rock the boat out of fear of them leaving me.

 

Why?

 

I have never been alone, until last fall whenever my baby went to college. I think I fear being alone. With the EX N H I feared being a single mom......having stayed at home all of their lives. I lost both of my parents 20 yeasrs ago and my exH never really was there for me, as he was not close to his parents. Get this: both the exN H and the exN BF were not with their parents from age 13 up....but with family who were not supportive and basically as adults, responsible for themselves at a way early age.

 

I have a good, full time government job now, and am fine financially. I am healthy and I think, for once I am ok alone...day by day. One day at a time.

 

I am lonely though and this helps and I am exercising, and trying to get out with friends. I signed up for a ladies Bible study as well as a community group at church........I have a tendency to get on a dating site and I do not want to do that for a long while!

[deadhead88]

My ex girlfriend possessed all these traits in the link below. Every single one. I would def. consider her a borderline N. I was a fool for loving her so much to look past this. I'm ashamed of myself for caring so much about a person who treated me exactly like this, when I treated her like a queen, only for her to dump me and end up with someone else. Ouch. Do they not have souls?

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

Edited February 3, 2011 by deadhead88

[Taramere]

You see the reaction when someone says something you DON'T want to hear. They want you to need them and their help for as long as possible. Psychology is one of the shadiest medical practices around (which is why I didn't pursue my PHD). You can't survive as a practitioner by helping people properly these days. They try to draw things out. There are set plans and guidelines to ensure that your progress is slow and steady and COMFORTABLE. They are more like salespeople than healers these days. Much in the same way that drug companies are interested in finding lifelong treatments instead of cures. It's big business. Ask any intern or PA about the industry.

 

This is where I think a national health service can be a good thing. When budgets are tight and counsellors are paid an NHS salary rather than charging a per client fee, you don't have those same issues. Admittedly it can go in the other direction - where there's a sort of conveyor belt system of clients going through a CBT workbook and not really getting anything meaningful out of the process. It generally depends on the quality of the counsellor though.

 

I had counselling a while back. The first one wasn't helpful - passionless about her work and unconvincing with the "well done you!" comments. The second one was fantastic. Absolutely born to do the job. Within five sessions it felt like we'd sorted out the crap. I'd say about 3/5 of the crap related to circumstantial and 2/5 was the result of me spending too much time wallowing in unsupervised perusal of crap that had happened. "Diagnosing" myself and other people, with the result that I kept sinking into this "nobody's okay, nothing's okay!" frame of mind. The counsellor pulled me away from doing that and switched the focus to practical steps I needed to improve my thinking and behaviour rather than dwelling on externalities I had no control over.

 

Part of human growth involves challenging ourselves. Asking "why am I spending time reading up on this condition and convincing myself that my ex is the textbook case of NPD/some other borderline disorder?" Facing the fact that in this regard, educating oneself really just amounts to extending the time you've already wasted in contemplation of that person who hurt you. I can remember thinking to myself way back "well, having knowledge of this condition means that I won't be taken in by somebody like that again." However, I wouldn't need to read a ton of stuff about NPD to know that if I met another guy who reminded me of that ex, I wouldn't want to date him. Reading all the NPD stuff wasn't necessary to get me to that place.

 

And keep in mind, I'm not one to throw credentials around, but when someone tells me to educate myself on the subject I've spent 7 years educating myself on...well.

 

I can imagine the frustration.

 

I didn't study psychology and human growth and behaviour to the extent that you would have done, but those subjects were part of my first degree. I recall that the way you approach them on a vocational training course is entirely different from the way people study them when doing so for personal reasons- eg when in the middle of a personal conflict that they feel very stressed and anxious about. The first involves getting an understanding of a subject with the ultimate aim of helping others to improve their lives. The second involves obtaining some understanding of the subject with the ultimate aim of using that understanding as a weapon against another person....even if the only battle you ever have with them takes place in your imagination.

 

"I'm okay, you're not okay. You are a psychopath/narcissist/other borderline personality disorder." If you try to discourage a person away from that thinking when they're still thoroughly locked into the conflict they had with their ex, they're probably just going to perceive you as being on their ex's side. An enemy/critic who is not to be trusted.

Edited February 3, 2011 by Taramere

[Whatshername]

I would say that coming out of the crazy-making of being with an N whether you FEEL like you have a disorder yourself (or others think that do, bc why would you have stayed, taking his abuse), again, or there is a REASON you were drawn/stayed/were sucked in by his /her wiles.....is not all that important.

 

The important thing is, getting yourself up-righted, and to learn to spot one a mile off. Not to dwell in the muck and mire, but to learn enough to know why you did not leave WAY earlier, why you stayed, and why you never want to be in that sort of a relationship ever again. Get your self-esteem back, learn how to set boundaries for yourself and others.

 

I am older now, and my children are grown, but when I was married with 4 children, leaving the N was a horribly overwhelming thought. I was overseas at times and I felt very alone and unable to rise to the position to pack it in and bail. I did have some counseling, which eventually did help me to see that I had no other choice.

 

We do not all have backgrounds from textbooks, and having lived it really IS much worse than reading about it. It also brings about a sense of shame and I don't think any of us, looking back would have willingly chose it, it just happens. We are human too, and like the N, have faults and weaknesses.......but they are predators and use our weaknesses against us, which in a loving relationship, sucks the life right out of us and it is devastating and hard to be as rational as you might be in every other area of your life. You know you should go, but you love them......and you think you can reason with them........but alas, in the end, you realize it's all been a farce. You wake up, with a smack in the face and your stupidity for having believed in them barfed into your lap.

Edited February 3, 2011 by Whatshername