NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 In my desperation to get married (joke. sort of.) I have been looking into co-habiting and whether its right for me in making my decision if my partner is the right one for me to marry i have trawled t'internet and located the following assumptions/findings: 1) those who co-habit pre-marriage are more likely to divorce 2) if you need to live with someone to decide if you want to marry them, then they are less likely to be right for you in the first place 3) Your partner will be less likely to want to marry you if you are already co-habiting. they already have the 'benefits' of marriage - company 24/7, intimacy, sex, practical stuff etc as co-habitation encourages a lower commitment ethic there are lots of other arguments i have found supporting that marriage is 'better' for your relationship than co-habiting, but i havent listed them as i am not talking about whether i agree with marriage per se. I am interested to hear you views on this - did you decide against co-habitation pre-marriage? was this a positive or negative experience? did one partner push for co-habitation and the other was reluctant? did this feel like something was being 'hidden' from the other partner if they didnt wish to co-habit? did you co-habit after engagement was agreed? how long was the engagement? has it helped your relationship if you co-habited or not? Thanks kids BB (aka Miss Belm - Spinster of the Parish of London) Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Different people have very strong views on this. I don't know if there is a right or a wrong, I think it comes down to personal preference. I have children and would NOT be prone to live with someone before marriage. I figure if someone is going to be that integrated into my family, we need to have all the committment and ties available. That's just me though. For other people, they consider living together less of a risk until they've smoothed out the rough edges before making the final plunge. . Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I have read the statistics both ways. Every person has to make their own decision. Based on my many observations, if your marriage is going to last, it's going to last whether you lived together prior or not. If your marriage is going to tank, it's going to tank whether or not you you lived together prior. Marriage is complicated, living with somebody is not always easy. If two people are meant for each other, it doesn't really matter. I just wish people wouldn't try to force marriages or make something else of them. If two people are meant to be together, they'll make it work under the worst of circumstances. If they aren't supposed to be together, winning $100 million in a lotter will only serve to split them up. Comprehende? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 aiii - comprendez - i am also aware of the TYPE of person that doesnt co-habit with someone which will skew these stats. i just want to do things right and by examining all the options in all ways, i can make the decision thats right for me - plus i am interested in hearing people opinions on it not forcing a thing - just want to discuss it on an open forum. comprendez? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 If two people are meant to be together, they'll make it work under the worst of circumstances Unfortunately, people can think they are meant to be together, be together, and discover it was a big mistake. I firmly believe that people should live together before they marry; NOT because that's some sort of insurance policy to ensure you remain married, but rather to eliminate the possibility that the person you are about to marry is completely unsuitable and you hadn't figured it out, yet. I have lived in a situation, and known people in situations where major flaws didn't appear until people lived together. Having not married, they were free to disengage from the relationships. The theory on the skewed stats about marriage is this: people who refuse to live together before marriage are also likely to be people who refuse to divorce due to moral or religious grounds. People who cohabit are less likely to be as rigid about the state of marriage. Frankly, the stats about whether people divorce or not are meaningless. If anybody could do a survey that measured the numbers of people staying in relationships who were happy, then the stats might mean something. We have several LS members who remain married and are miserable. Perhaps they'd not have married at all had they spent a lot of hours with their intended mates. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I agree with the reasoning Moimeme, but at the same time there are ''cultural' situations to take into consideration. If I lived with a man, my family would think he's slime for not marrying me and would never accept him anyway. I think the same holds true for lots of single people who have families which may not be all that progressive. Then, as also in my case, there is the 'children' factor. My kids have friends with parents who have live-in boy and girlfriends. I think it's confusing for a child....especially if it's on a trial basis....rather than on a committment basis. (OR GAWD.....boyfriend number 10) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 If I lived with a man, my family would think he's slime for not marrying me and would never accept him anyway I guess you're stuck, then. All I can say is spend LOTS of time with someone before you agree to marry. If you can at least go on a couple of vacations, that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 may not nessecarily with your to-be-mate, but living with another individual is a great experience for anyone to have. it teaches respect and tolerance, i think people should live with a roommate for that experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 thanks guys - i put in my original post that i felt the 3rd point: 3) Your partner will be less likely to want to marry you if you are already co-habiting. they already have the 'benefits' of marriage - company 24/7, intimacy, sex, practical stuff etc as co-habitation encourages a lower commitment ethic was a bit too The Rules - but i thought id better take it out as i have never read The Rules, but its a bit like game playing - but then i was wondering excatly how much people HAVE played games in their relationships, and whether that contributed to them being married and happy. i was also interested to find out whether peoples partners perceived this refusal for co-habitation AS game playing .. did this feel like something was being 'hidden' from the other partner if they didnt wish to co-habit? still interested to hear peoples experiences of this. Charlotte from Sex & the City territory - & in the UK, its very much seen as an 'american' way of doing things - well, more NY actually. i think people should live with a roommate for that experience. good point Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Your partner will be less likely to want to marry you if you are already co-habiting Oops. Missed out part of my own 'rules', which is that cohabiting ought to be a prelude to marriage. I never lived with anyone I didn't think I was going to marry. Twice, I found out that marrying would have been a HUGE mistake. I consider it part of the engagement process rather than either-or. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 BB (aka Miss Belm - Spinster of the Parish of London) LOL that dreadful word spinster - bachelor just does not carry the same value judgement does it? All my friends cohabited before they married, can't think of a single one that didn't. Personally marriage was not on the agenda for either of us, nothing to do with the other person just the concept of marriage and the fact that we hardly saw ourselves as responsible adults. You posted something on expectations the other day that was interesting. I'd say cohabitation is a natural development in a relationship as long as you avoid pressuring your mate with your expectations. Seeing it as a test of marriage sonds like a bit of a nightmare. If it's just needed to spend more time together I think it makes sense. I totally disagree about the committment ethic - that assumes that all women want to marry and all men are trying to avoid it. In my friends/my experience, even the most committment phobic guy gets to love being in a cohabiting relationship and, when the time comes, they marry gladly. Could be untypical. Good luck Ex-spinster of Parish of Middle England Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 cohabiting ought to be a prelude to marriage oh yes, totally agree. some people stay, and even move in with others that they know arent The One for them. and from what i have read, the bad co-habiting vs good marriage argument advocates that you should only move in with someone AS a prelude to marriage. but theres a difference in co-habiting with someone thinking you think youll get married one day, and actually formalising it with engagement. but if the intent is there, then the formalising is exactly that - just formalising. Ex-spinster show off!! You posted something on expectations the other day that was interesting thats a first hahaha its more the shortfall of expectations leading to disappointment that i have a problem with. or creating disappointment for yourself if your expectations arent met. but everything is way way too early for any of this marriage stuff, and even co-habiting - but at this early stage i wanted to identify what it is i actually want and then explore differing ideas that i have never considered before. assumes that all women want to marry and all men are trying to avoid it. in the past its been me like a whippet out of a box at the mere mention of wedding bells - i was hoping for answers from either sex on their opinions. this is why i am so obsessed with it i think, because i have in the last 12 months started to change my mind. stand back my bodyclocks about to blow. i always WANTED to want to get married and have children, but its only recently i have really thought about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Author Share Posted March 23, 2004 oh yes and p.s. - it IS me thats thinking about it prematurely not my bf, so in this case that assumping that women - me in this case - is the one wanting. BUT. my bf has said a couple of times 'when we get married' or words to the effect wooo Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I would move in once the ring is on the finger. Otherwise, negatory. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 I think living together before marriage is a very good, smart idea. Otherwise it can very hard to really get to know someone fully. I moved in with my partner after we'd been together just 3 months! I think it has only help get us to a place where we feel ready to think about marriage. We've been together close to 3 yrs now. And living together has taught us a lot about each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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