what happened to the woman I dated?

[jTrace]

Sorry if this is basically a repost of other people's frustrations, but I'm recently married (8 months) yet over the last year or so my wife has changed from a confident strong person into someone who is frankly just spineless.

 

She will call me when she has nothing to say, almost like she just wants to know that I'm there. When I ask why she does things like this she says she "just doesn't want to disappoint" but I really find it annoying. We agreed before we got married that your partner can't be the single only reason you have for getting out of bed, but that really seems to be what she has become.

 

She didn't have many close friends, but those she had have fallen off. I have encouraged her to get out and be with friends or make new ones but she seems to lack that ability. I really feel like she lost control of her own life, and tries to make up for it by controlling my life.

 

Let me ask, why do marriages fall apart? I won't lie, we've both talked about divorce for many reasons. I'm not sure ours can be fixed now, even though when we were dating our relationship was awesome. Frankly, now I find her sad and kind of pathetic because she constantly needs assurance from me, and this is not the person I would have dated. I can't stand people like that.

 

Thanks.

[StoneCold]

Heres what I wrote on another board....

 

Maybe I'm a little bitter but it seems to me that marriage has got to be the biggest con since the devil convinced man he didnt exist. And the kick in the head is we are conning ourselves. Here me out...

 

According to the statistics there is a 50% divorce rate in the US and 33% in Canada. To put it in other words, one in two couples in the US and one in three couples in Canada will split up; thats staggering. Now I'm sure these stats may be off to some degree (like almost all stats are) but as the old saying goes: "where theres smoke theres fire". Now, further to these statistics apparently the leading causes of divorce is Finances and Sex....this I believe completely. Now, those stats are bad enough but they arent even taking into account the couples that are in a failed marriage but arent divorcing (which is impossible to track): neglected, cheating, rejected, irreparably hurt, resentful.....the list goes on.

 

This is almost certainly the vast majority of couples; thats a lot of unhappy people!

 

Its all around us but we keep doing it...we convince ourselves that marriage a smart thing to do eventhough we see it everywhere long before we were anywhere close to the alter; our friends, family, parents, coworkers....it clearly doesnt work but we do it; Why?......the guy pays a small fortune on an engagement ring; a stupid amount of money is dropped on a one day occaision; 5 years later your sexless and unhappy as hell. Inevitably you end up in a lawyer's office paying another small fortune to get divorced...or you stay in the failed marriage, wasting away, becoming a weak, faded facsimile of the person you once were and a far cry of the person you should be. The financial and emotional price is outrageous. The risk taken to be one of the few that do work is ridiculous. We as intelligent people should be able to see that the risk and reward just doesnt add up...but we dont and will continue not to.

 

Ultimately marriage and unnatural concept..... I can get into my theories on its origins but thats a different discussion that may offend some

[Lauriebell82]

Why is it such a big deal that she calls you? I call my husband throughout the day just to say hi. It's not because I'm insecure or want to know what he's doing, I just like to hear his voice. He does the same. Now I could see if she repeatedly calls you like 5 times in a row, but why is a phone call here so annoying to you?

 

What does she mean by "I dont want to disappoint?" IMO it takes two to tango, you seem to be putting the sole blame on her, like she is causing the marriage to fall apart. Maybe the fact that you seem to be emotionally distancing yourself from her has caused her to become insecure and want to hold on to you. Have you thought about it from that perspective?

 

I can identify with your wife about the lack of friends. Most of my friends have moved to other states, I have very few close friends. My husband on the other hand has tons of friends. I'm not really great at making freinds, I'm rather shy. My husband empathizes and so he will set up double dates for us with his friends and their gfs/wives. That has helped a lot. I actually become good friends with one of his friend's wives.

 

So please provide her with a little more empathy and support, that's what marriage is supposed to be about.

[Distant78]

Sorry if this is basically a repost of other people's frustrations, but I'm recently married (8 months) yet over the last year or so my wife has changed from a confident strong person into someone who is frankly just spineless.

 

She will call me when she has nothing to say, almost like she just wants to know that I'm there. When I ask why she does things like this she says she "just doesn't want to disappoint" but I really find it annoying. We agreed before we got married that your partner can't be the single only reason you have for getting out of bed, but that really seems to be what she has become.

 

She didn't have many close friends, but those she had have fallen off. I have encouraged her to get out and be with friends or make new ones but she seems to lack that ability. I really feel like she lost control of her own life, and tries to make up for it by controlling my life.

 

Let me ask, why do marriages fall apart? I won't lie, we've both talked about divorce for many reasons. I'm not sure ours can be fixed now, even though when we were dating our relationship was awesome. Frankly, now I find her sad and kind of pathetic because she constantly needs assurance from me, and this is not the person I would have dated. I can't stand people like that.

 

Thanks.

 

Dude why are you being so mean? What's wrong with her calling you and if you find her so annoying after 8 months of marriage, then maybe you guys should divorce. You want it to be like it was when you're dating and you need to realize marriage is not like that. It takes work. And you guys should still be in the newness stage.

[Iconoclast]

WTF? Eight months and you're talking of divorce? That's nuts. For adoring you?

Control your life? Gimme a break.

 

Have you met someone else who interests you? Not an accusation. Just a question.

[Lauriebell82]

Have you met someone else who interests you? Not an accusation. Just a question.

 

Interesting question, I was thinking the same thing.

[Enema]

I've seen those couples where one of them calls the other multiple times during the day just to say hi.

 

Would annoy the crap outta me too, luckily my wife doesn't do that. She might hit me up occasionally on gchat, msn or email, but nothing intrusive or needy.

 

I can see how annoying it would be if this calling habit only developed after you got married.

 

No advice for you, but just weighing in as the others seem to be crucifying you for disliking the constant contact.

[Lauriebell82]

I've seen those couples where one of them calls the other multiple times during the day just to say hi.

 

Would annoy the crap outta me too, luckily my wife doesn't do that. She might hit me up occasionally on gchat, msn or email, but nothing intrusive or needy.

 

I can see how annoying it would be if this calling habit only developed after you got married.

 

No advice for you, but just weighing in as the others seem to be crucifying you for disliking the constant contact.

 

Why would your wife calling you annoy you? The OP has not specified how many times his wife calls her per day, I mean I could see how like 3 or 4+ times a day could get a little old. But I don't see what's wrong with 1 call. I guess everyone is different though.

[LittleTiger]

If your wife is calling you once a day and that bothers you, I find that very strange and sad (especially after only eight months of marriage) - this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase.

 

If she's calling you several times a day then you can simply ask her not to. Let her know you love speaking to her but you're a little busy at work so maybe if she just calls to say hi at lunch time?

 

People don't suddenly get insecure for no reason, so what's your part in this is? Did you suddenly stop 'romancing' her once you got married? How have things changed in other aspects of your life?

 

The simple answer is to talk to her. Talk about the phone calls, her social circle, how you feel about the way things have changed etc. She's the only one who can tell you what's happened and why she's different.

 

Of course, if your head (and/or heart) has been turned by another woman then you already know what the problem is.

[InternationalPlayboy]

Sorry if this is basically a repost of other people's frustrations, but I'm recently married (8 months) yet over the last year or so my wife has changed from a confident strong person into someone who is frankly just spineless.

 

She will call me when she has nothing to say, almost like she just wants to know that I'm there. When I ask why she does things like this she says she "just doesn't want to disappoint" but I really find it annoying. We agreed before we got married that your partner can't be the single only reason you have for getting out of bed, but that really seems to be what she has become.

 

She didn't have many close friends, but those she had have fallen off. I have encouraged her to get out and be with friends or make new ones but she seems to lack that ability. I really feel like she lost control of her own life, and tries to make up for it by controlling my life.

 

Let me ask, why do marriages fall apart? I won't lie, we've both talked about divorce for many reasons. I'm not sure ours can be fixed now, even though when we were dating our relationship was awesome. Frankly, now I find her sad and kind of pathetic because she constantly needs assurance from me, and this is not the person I would have dated. I can't stand people like that.

 

Thanks.

 

I wish you luck, but after eight months you're still a rookie and have plenty to learn. Just accept you don't know the first thing about women and relationships and I think you'll be happier. None of us guys do.

[laRubiaBonita]

hmmmm..... maybe OP wears his feeling openly and the wife is picking up on it. it would be a cycle that build in resentment- the more she shows pansiness, the more irritated he gets, she sees that and it starts all over....