Single woman hitting on my husband!

[mykidsmomfour]

Need some advice!

 

I am very happily married to the man of my dreams. In his office there is a woman who has tried to befriend me. I've felt sorry for her b/c she seems lonely so I talk to her occassionally and we've gone out for drinks once.

 

After talking to her a few times I started to get this nagging feeling that she has a crush on my husband. She is always telling me how lucky I am and that my husband is "exactly the kind of man I'm looking for." She is single and is always complaining about never finding a man but desparetly wants to get married and have kids.

 

She has made inappropriate comments to my husband. She brought in donuts once and my husband said thanks and she said, "you can thank me later." Of course, my husband immediately calls me and tells me she is a freak. My husband is not interested in adultery!

 

Last week I invited her along w/me to a card club I belong to as a sub. I have been trying out the whole, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" approach with her. Apparently she was talking about my husband throughout the night to these women. At one point said, "her husband is a hottie!"

 

So now I'm kinda pissed. My husband and I talked for 45 minutes about this last night. I don't want to make his work life hell. I trust him completely but it just ticks me off she would be throwing herself out there like that.

 

Oh, my husband smokes and she told me that night that sometimes when she gets stressed out that she'll share a cigarette with him (even though she doesn't smoke!). My husband says he does not and I do honestly believe him. He doesn't have a history of lying to me. I think she is trying to start trouble.

 

How do I handle this? Whats the best approach w/o making my husbands work life suffer? How do I take the high road but also take a stand?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[Arabess]

I have no pride....I'd take her out in the parking lot and threaten to whip her A$$!

 

There is a difference between jealousy and protecting what is YOURS. In this case, you are protecting your husband from her inappropriate and SLUTTY advances towards him.

 

Am I joking? NO! I would feel very serious about this. I would protect my man....the same way I protect my kids and pets. If someone messes with my family.....I'll hunt them down.

[brashgal]

I agree with Arabess. I wish I had been a little more forceful with one woman who was after my ex. It is tough that you have to work with her but I'm not sure how much longer you can work with her without setting her straight.

[overseas2004]

You say that you trust your husband and that he would not do this. This is something you emphatically state. Yet then you proceed to tell us you keep the enemy close. Just in case right?

 

Well I always tend to think that doing the Jerry Springer thing is pretty nasty and makes you look like trash.

 

I would however not hang out with her. I don't know why you do? And before I stopped contact with her I would tell her it was because she was chasing after my husband and had no respect for my mairrage. I would tell her in a calm yet forceful way to stay away from my husband. And that would be it. I would not see her again ever.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by overseas2004

 

Well I always tend to think that doing the Jerry Springer thing is pretty nasty and makes you look like trash.

 

 

HAHA OverSeas.....you are making Brash and I feel REAL special!!! I didn't say I would do it on TV...I said I would take her gnarly butt into the parking lot!

 

 

[lohrewok]

Good advice from everyone. If any of these measures fail I would have a sit down with her and your H. Have your H make it very clear to her that nothing will ever happen between them. This would also give you a good idea of how you H is reacting to this. Behavior tells all you know.

 

 

THEN if it continues have H file sexual haressment charges against her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Confront her. Tell her that your friendship is over because she has crossed the line concerning your husband. Let her know that your husband has confided in you about her suggestive comments and behavior at work in addition to the remarks she has made in your presence. Tell her that you are both aware of her "crush" and that you both find it inappropriate and off-putting.

 

She won't be expecting it because you've already allowed her to push it this far. She is probably under the impression that you are extremely naive or just don't care. Don't be afraid to step up and speak your mind. You owe her nothing, and unless you nip it in the bud, she will keep testing her limits and feeling the situation out.

 

Don't worry about beating her up (yet)...haha. The humiliation should be enough unless she is a complete social misfit and has lost her grip on reality.

 

I had an acquaintance much like yours. And although I felt 'sorry' for her, I had to put closure on the new friendship after she developed a "crush" on my current partner. She even went so far as to ask him out. Fortunately, like your husband, my partner became uncomfortable with her advances l-o-n-g before I did and warned me well in advance. But I was so busy "feeling sorry for her" that I made excuses because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Instead, she ended up hurting mine. I also think part of the reason why I let it go on as long as I did was because I didn't feel threatened by her at all. But what I was missing, was that this girl who was so eager to befriend me, wasn’t really a friend at all!

 

Real friends respect your limits and acknowledge your feelings. Save yourself a whole lot of grief and remove this 'opportunist' from your social circle NOW. I wish I had listened to my own partner sooner when he had advised me to do the same.

[NatoPMT]

much as i would like to take the dignified stance on this, even in a trusting relationship, this would cause me concern, shes not accepting that hes married and is making her intentions pretty clear - cheek of her!! your husband knows and isnt interested, but shes continuing this rather creepy crusade.

 

i think its in your husbands court now, he should have a quiet word with her and explain her attention isnt wanted, and telling people in your social circle she thinks hes hot is just bang out of order.

 

if that fails, get her on national tv girlfriend and kick her playing ass to the kerb - thats how they say it isnt it? (trailer trash abrabess - glad you are fighting fit again x)

[kimber]

I went through the same thing as you are going through, however it was a best friend of 23 years that did this and she also had/ a boyfriend.

I said to her that I know what she is up to and she had better stop, Then I asked her who is it that is in intrested in having the relatipnship with him or me?

JUST TELL HER AND THEM TELL HER TO BEAT IT!!!! MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A FOOL THAT SHE IS ACTING OUT INFRONT OF YOUR HUSBAND, sorry this topic really hits home for me.

Allow her to know that your husband calls you and tells you what is happening. Do this alone, not infront of the office not infront of your husband, in person and alone, be calm when you say it... really it will stop if your husband does not react to her. Can not chase without a lead. She can chase all she wants but if your husband ignors her then there is nothing for her to chase

Good Luck

[priscilla]

She will never stop unless one of you puts an end to it. What does she do in the office? Can she or your husband switch offices so they have less contact? I also had an acquaintence who flirted with my now ex b/f. Even though she knew we were together she kept pursuing. One of the reasons he is an ex is that he wouldn't put an end to it. I probably should have taken her to the curb myself, but didn't. These type of women get their claws in your guy and it is difficult to get rid of them. Good luck.

[Anonymous33]

I have to disagree somewhat with what others have said on here and say, leave it to your husband to deal with the situation. If you really trust him, then nothing consequential can really come of this situation. As long as he can keep his priorities straight, you have nothing to worry about and you don't have to keep monitoring her and stressing over what she's saying and doing.

 

Let's say worst case scenario, she throws herself at him while at work. If he is trustable like you say he is, he'll simply decline and she'll end up highly embarrassed. Why is it necessary for you to constantly obsess over the situation?

[mykidsmomfour]

Originally posted by Anonymous33

I have to disagree somewhat with what others have said on here and say, leave it to your husband to deal with the situation. If you really trust him, then nothing consequential can really come of this situation. As long as he can keep his priorities straight, you have nothing to worry about and you don't have to keep monitoring her and stressing over what she's saying and doing.

 

Let's say worst case scenario, she throws herself at him while at work. If he is trustable like you say he is, he'll simply decline and she'll end up highly embarrassed. Why is it necessary for you to constantly obsess over the situation?

 

It is in my nature I suppose. I have always despised women who throw themselves at married men and now it is happening!

 

Hubby and I talked this over and we came up with our first plan. Since she likes to IM me and I usually just ignore her I am going to continue to ignore her. This usually leads her to ask my husband if I am mad at her. When she asks my husband is going to matter-of-factly say, "well, I'm not sure, we don't talk about you." This will give her the feeling that she has no impact on us. This will hopefully embarass her?!

 

If that doesn't work then I may have to take the direct approach. I just despise her lying and trying to cause trouble.

[mykidsmomfour]

Originally posted by priscilla

She will never stop unless one of you puts an end to it. What does she do in the office? Can she or your husband switch offices so they have less contact? I also had an acquaintence who flirted with my now ex b/f. Even though she knew we were together she kept pursuing. One of the reasons he is an ex is that he wouldn't put an end to it. I probably should have taken her to the curb myself, but didn't. These type of women get their claws in your guy and it is difficult to get rid of them. Good luck.

 

 

She works in a different department (but the office is very small) but her department depends on his and since he is the head of the department she usually comes into his office when she needs something.

 

He usually just ignores her when she tries to get into a personal conversation with him. I think this may have started when every other man in that office was mean to her when she first started, but my husband felt sorry for her and tried to cut her some slack. Maybe she took it the wrong way? Who knows.

[Dug]

My only advice would be not to make this into a game with her......and your husband is a big boy too. I find it hard to believe that he can't discourage her in his own way. I had a similar thing happen to me at my office, and I only told my wife about it because I didn't want her to hear tales from co-workers instead of me. I talked to the woman myself, and explained the strain it put on my marriage.....but her and I didn't go out to settle it over drinks or whatever....I was point blank and she realized she had no chance with me.

After I got divorced years later though....I wished I had handled her differently (LOL) Ooooops !!

[soserious1]

You find your husband attractive do you not? Why then does it shock you that other women find him attractive also? She's made a few flirtacoius remarks and simply stated that she finds him attractive,your husband speaks openly about her to you,he's hiding nothing.Harmless flirtation,a simple social lubricant that makes the day a bit more pleasant,nothing more.

 

I'd say it boils down to trust,if your trust your husband I'd leave this alone and the next time some woman tells you she thinks he's a hottie,thank her! she just confirmed your good taste in men!

[dyermaker]

If you trust your husband, let her make a fool out of herself.

 

If you don't, contact Human Resources.

[critter]

I'm having a similar problem..."read flirty girl ruining lives..." post.

 

Here it is. Ever see the movie "Fatal Attraction" ?

 

What if one day she decides to file harassment charges against your husband as a means of revenge? Don't laugh this happened to a friend of mine and even though he was definitively proven innocent, it ruined his career. THis woman is unbalanced and should be treated as a potential threat to your marriage, his career and the well-being of your family. I personally don't care what makes people behave the way they do, what I do care about is whether or not those people effect the mental, emotional and physical well-bing of myself and loved ones. And I think that's a good rule to follow no matter what the situation.

 

This woman is a destructive influence. Even if the axis of the issue wasn't your husband, ask yourself why you would ever tolerate a 'dangerous' or "unhealthy" person to enter and influence your life or the lives of your family members.

 

Tell your husband to stop dilly-dallying and get straight with this girl INCLUDING telling her that if she continues he will be forced to consider other action. He should avoid being alone with her so that there are always witnesses to what was said and done...because that is going to be th real problem should she decide to get even weirder one day, his word against hers and right now, in this world, the woman's voice is counted a tad more in cases involving harrassement.

 

And ask your husband why he didn't set her straight from the start? It was his tolerance that permits this to continue.

 

critter

[Greta]

I agree that your husband should be the one to tell her he's not interested, in no uncertain terms. Then, if she persists, I'd take her out back for an a$$-whoopin'!!

[befuddled11]

What's ironic here is....if the tables were turned and a married woman was having to deal with this kind of "attention" in the workplace, it could easily be construed as sexual harassment...... The "donut comment" was tres inappropriate and clearly had an underlying sexual connotation.

 

She sounds like a flake. She's either totally out to lunch, or else she's one cagey wench.

 

I don't think it matters that you trust your husband. I mean, that's good and all, but I think there's a much greater potential issue here. This woman sounds like trouble. As someone as else said, she could be crazy enough, if he blows her off, to turn the tables around and try to exact revenge...by accusing HIM of something.

 

If I were him, I'd personally be documenting her actions and things she's saying.....and having it on record with a superior or HR. And yes, as someone else said, the whole "Fatal Attraction" thing.

 

She's obviously not a woman who respects marriage or the boundaries of such......to so blatantly flaunt in your face, the fact that she thinks he's so "hot" (or to your friends at the card party).....she's a wingnut to the Nth degree.

 

Your husband should be documenting all this, allowing a superior to "see" the scoop.....and then he should speak with her, with someone else present and tell her right out in the open that her behavior is inappropriate. He needs to be the one to stand up to her.

 

And you should not EVER have further contact with her, I don't think. All that does is send her a loud and clear message that you "accept her"........when in fact, she's a workplace floosie.

[saintfrancis]

It's your HUSBAND'S responsibility to keep her away, not yours! I wouldn't confront her. I WOULD, however, make damn sure your husband does.

 

Oh yeah, and what befuddled said, he needs to document EVERYTHING.

[Fedup&givingup]

This woman IS trouble. I see what Arabess and Brash are saying, but I would handle it differently, personally. I would be more involved with my husband regarding work. I would leave her sorry a$$ in the dust and not bother to invest any more of my time in being friends with her.

 

If you can, I would be stopping by his office more frequently and engaging in lunches with him, etc. Basically, I would make my existence loud and clear.

 

I would snub her completely. If she has the nerve to ask you why you've just dropped her, tell her why. Tell her that you just don't value her friendship, that you would much rather put more time and effort into YOUR husband instead of her.

 

As far as the highly inappropriate comments she makes, I would say something back...without thinking twice, flat out. Like when she said your husband is a hottie, I would have said, "Right, he is. That's one of the reasons I married him, and since he IS married, he's no longer available." That should embarrass her, and rightfully so. Don't let her inappropriate ways embarrass you, she's the one making a fool out of herself. Don't let her turn YOU into the fool.

 

This woman IS a trouble maker.

[mykidsmomfour]

All of your comments have been wonderful!! THank you for taking the time to share your thoughts!

 

My husband brought up me coming in to see him every once in a while. She has a reputation as being a horrible chef so I have been bringing in tasty treats like muffins and cookies. I am going to continue this.

 

Hubby and I talked again and he said he is not going to tolerate this anymore. He is pissed that she got me this upset in the first place as he descibed her as "nothing more than comet dust in the universe of our marriage." If she tries to engage him in any personal conversation (he can't avoid all contact as he runs a department that works w/hers) but if she hands over a project and starts idle chit chat he is going to say, "I'm sorry but I have a lot of work to do I don't have time to talk." then turn around and ignore her.

 

He is really pissed off she is lying about this because that you can't explain in any innocent way. Up to this point he has thought it was all in my head and never saw her as being destructive.

 

Luckily it is a small office and he's worked there for almost 14 years. Everyone knows him and the kind of person he is. She, on the other hand, has been there 3 years and has had problems getting along. But avoiding any unneccessary contact is the key to avoiding trouble here.

 

I think I need to play this smart b/c if she thinks he is rejecting her only b/c I got upset than that may add fuel to her fire. So I am still on the fence about how to deal w/her personally.

[catspajamas]

I don't go for the "harmless flirting" game. If flirting was harmless then it wouldn't hurt, but it does.

[mykidsmomfour]

Just to let you all know it only took a week and she's apparently gotten the hint. She is no longer bugging him and she has stopped talking to me.

 

Things are getting back to normal now. And as one of you had said I am taking this as a compliment that I have great taste in men!!!

 

Thanks for all your help.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

You should be so fortunate as to have someone you love be so attractive that other people are envious of you. I would that your husband will remain faithful to you, from the sounds of things.

 

As previous posters said, either take her out back and kick her @$$, ignore the problem, and hope she simply moves on, or contact his companies HR department to file a complaint. You should likely discuss whatever options you are contemplating, and make sure he is comfortable with them..