3 Problems...

[Techie]

Hey, everyone. I'm new here, and I'm hoping your first impression of me won't be negatively affected by this insanely-long post...

 

My girlfriend lives roughly 800 miles away from me. I met her about 4 years ago when I lived where she lives, and we've kept in contact online (and sometimes over the phone) ever since I moved. We've grown to know each other very well, even as we've both changed. I feel like she knows me almost better than anyone else, and probably the same vice versa. This is actually the first relationship I've been in, so I may sound naive or just dumb about a lot of this. I dunno. I haven't felt this kind of a connection with anyone before - just dumb crushes. We've both always known deep down that we've had feelings for each other, but we just started openly showing them around 4 months ago, and we just decided to make things official a little over month ago. Needless to say, however, we're having some issues. 3 in particular…

 

Problem #1: I'm going to see her in a little more than a month during my spring break. I'll be there for almost a full week. I'm a music major in college, and I've also earned a spot in a drum and bugle corps, which takes up a lot of time. Because of this, spring break is about the only time I'll be able to see her for a while. If I make it past all the camps without being cut from the corps, I'll be off for spring training and the summer-long tour before both her prom and graduation (she's still a senior in high school). I know these are both really big things to miss, but it's almost like she doesn't even appreciate that I'm going to all the trouble of planning and making the spring break trip. I don't even have a car right now, and I'm making it happen. Yet she only focuses on what I won't be able to do for her and gets upset about it a lot. I mentioned the possibility of quitting the corps, but she says she would be mad because I've worked hard for it (and I have). Drum corps is something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I'm only planning to do it for one year as of now. I'm just afraid that it's going to end up costing me my relationship with her, even though I've promised to try as hard as possible to visit her when I can. The harder I try to comfort her about it, the more it seems to backfire. What do you all think about this?

 

Problem #2: When we made it official, I had already looked around for tips on how to cope with the long distance. We "discussed" our boundaries and how everything would go down between us. Most of the "discussion" was me making suggestions and her fully agreeing - she would barely suggest things herself when I asked. She only wanted to know what I wanted. Though this is apparently an uncommon thing for a guy, my biggest concern is the quality/quantity of our communication. It seems like we actually communicated a lot more before officially entering the relationship. We had already talked on the phone many times, and we had done Skype video chat multiple times. These are some things we agreed we would start doing at least somewhat regularly. We also decided we would have weekly movie nights over Skype and occasionally do the same thing with online games. However, barely any of this has happened. At one point, I started trying to talk to her on the phone every morning for just five minutes or so, but she would only answer half the time and was obviously uninterested, so I've given up on that. I can barely ever get her to video chat with me on Skype, even though she used to seem excited about the idea. We've had maybe two or three video chats since being together. Whenever I ask her, she acts like I'm forcing her to run five miles or something. So I've given up on that as well. The movie nights are also always postponed/canceled because she is tired or doesn't feel like it. We've only had one, and it wasn't very successful. Our conversation is limited to a few texts here and there, and then a little bit of IMing when she turns away from the online games she's addicted to. She tells me she loves me and I'm her "addiction," but that's about all she tells me anymore. It seems to me like these are normally concerns that the girl would have, so it's slightly embarrassing. Am I expecting too much? Perhaps I'm overwhelming her…? Or do you think she is truly uninterested?

 

Problem #3: Before we were together, I made the mistake of venting to her about my various crushes, since we were best friends and she would do the same with me. Now, she gets suspicious about every little thing. I have several female friends, and if one of them does so much as comment on a Facebook status of mine, the next thing I'm faced with is "So who's so and so?" There is one girl in particular I vented about the most, but I completely got over her long before this relationship started. No matter - she still gets suspicious/jealous over nothing. She will even question why I like a certain food or activity, thinking I like it only because another girl got me into it. Nearly all of her friends are guys, and I still trust her. I'm always stuck telling her the same thing: that there is nothing going on with another girl and that there never will be. I've discussed and reasoned about this with her countless times. She says she believes me and just needs to work on it, but it still happens every other day. Is there any way to prove myself? What else can I do?

 

 

Sorry again about the book I've written. Thanks to anyone who actually reads all the way through. Feedback will be greatly appreciated.

[aerogurl87]

Hey, everyone. I'm new here, and I'm hoping your first impression of me won't be negatively affected by this insanely-long post...

 

My girlfriend lives roughly 800 miles away from me. I met her about 4 years ago when I lived where she lives, and we've kept in contact online (and sometimes over the phone) ever since I moved. We've grown to know each other very well, even as we've both changed. I feel like she knows me almost better than anyone else, and probably the same vice versa. This is actually the first relationship I've been in, so I may sound naive or just dumb about a lot of this. I dunno. I haven't felt this kind of a connection with anyone before - just dumb crushes. We've both always known deep down that we've had feelings for each other, but we just started openly showing them around 4 months ago, and we just decided to make things official a little over month ago. Needless to say, however, we're having some issues. 3 in particular…

 

Problem #1: I'm going to see her in a little more than a month during my spring break. I'll be there for almost a full week. I'm a music major in college, and I've also earned a spot in a drum and bugle corps, which takes up a lot of time. Because of this, spring break is about the only time I'll be able to see her for a while. If I make it past all the camps without being cut from the corps, I'll be off for spring training and the summer-long tour before both her prom and graduation (she's still a senior in high school). I know these are both really big things to miss, but it's almost like she doesn't even appreciate that I'm going to all the trouble of planning and making the spring break trip. I don't even have a car right now, and I'm making it happen. Yet she only focuses on what I won't be able to do for her and gets upset about it a lot. I mentioned the possibility of quitting the corps, but she says she would be mad because I've worked hard for it (and I have). Drum corps is something I've wanted to do for a long time, and I'm only planning to do it for one year as of now. I'm just afraid that it's going to end up costing me my relationship with her, even though I've promised to try as hard as possible to visit her when I can. The harder I try to comfort her about it, the more it seems to backfire. What do you all think about this?

 

Problem #2: When we made it official, I had already looked around for tips on how to cope with the long distance. We "discussed" our boundaries and how everything would go down between us. Most of the "discussion" was me making suggestions and her fully agreeing - she would barely suggest things herself when I asked. She only wanted to know what I wanted. Though this is apparently an uncommon thing for a guy, my biggest concern is the quality/quantity of our communication. It seems like we actually communicated a lot more before officially entering the relationship. We had already talked on the phone many times, and we had done Skype video chat multiple times. These are some things we agreed we would start doing at least somewhat regularly. We also decided we would have weekly movie nights over Skype and occasionally do the same thing with online games. However, barely any of this has happened. At one point, I started trying to talk to her on the phone every morning for just five minutes or so, but she would only answer half the time and was obviously uninterested, so I've given up on that. I can barely ever get her to video chat with me on Skype, even though she used to seem excited about the idea. We've had maybe two or three video chats since being together. Whenever I ask her, she acts like I'm forcing her to run five miles or something. So I've given up on that as well. The movie nights are also always postponed/canceled because she is tired or doesn't feel like it. We've only had one, and it wasn't very successful. Our conversation is limited to a few texts here and there, and then a little bit of IMing when she turns away from the online games she's addicted to. She tells me she loves me and I'm her "addiction," but that's about all she tells me anymore. It seems to me like these are normally concerns that the girl would have, so it's slightly embarrassing. Am I expecting too much? Perhaps I'm overwhelming her…? Or do you think she is truly uninterested?

 

Problem #3: Before we were together, I made the mistake of venting to her about my various crushes, since we were best friends and she would do the same with me. Now, she gets suspicious about every little thing. I have several female friends, and if one of them does so much as comment on a Facebook status of mine, the next thing I'm faced with is "So who's so and so?" There is one girl in particular I vented about the most, but I completely got over her long before this relationship started. No matter - she still gets suspicious/jealous over nothing. She will even question why I like a certain food or activity, thinking I like it only because another girl got me into it. Nearly all of her friends are guys, and I still trust her. I'm always stuck telling her the same thing: that there is nothing going on with another girl and that there never will be. I've discussed and reasoned about this with her countless times. She says she believes me and just needs to work on it, but it still happens every other day. Is there any way to prove myself? What else can I do?

 

 

Sorry again about the book I've written. Thanks to anyone who actually reads all the way through. Feedback will be greatly appreciated.

 

I highlighted all the stuff that stuck out to me in bold. And basically I came to one conclusion. She's an immature high school girl who is insecure and obviously not interested in really being in a LDR. Yeah she may like you, but it seems like the reality of being in a LDR hit her and now she's less than thrilled about it. I mean think about it. Here she is in high school surrounded by her peers who are going to prom with their boyfriends, talking about how they went on dates, etc. and she's stuck in a relationship where her boyfriend is 800 miles away.

 

Now I'm not saying this isn't gonna work out, but it sounds to me like you two are on very different pages. You're putting in work while she's kinda "meh" about everything. That's not gonna work long term, so either she needs to get her head in the game and work at this relationship like you or it's gonna self destruct. Really there's nothing you can do but hope she matures quickly and starts putting in more effort.

[Techie]

Thanks a lot for the reply, aerogurl87!

 

You really hit the nail on the head with the "meh" part. Hahah. She says that quite often. I did forget to throw in an important piece of information. She's already set long-term goals and wants to make the Army her life-long career. She seems to even have a solid plan put together. She has mentioned before how this relationship could prepare her for what it will be like when she's in the military and that it motivates her. But perhaps you're right. I suppose we'll just wait and see. Maybe things will change after my visit.

[aerogurl87]

Thanks a lot for the reply, aerogurl87!

 

You really hit the nail on the head with the "meh" part. Hahah. She says that quite often. I did forget to throw in an important piece of information. She's already set long-term goals and wants to make the Army her life-long career. She seems to even have a solid plan put together. She has mentioned before how this relationship could prepare her for what it will be like when she's in the military and that it motivates her. But perhaps you're right. I suppose we'll just wait and see. Maybe things will change after my visit.

 

Well I hate to break it to you, but if she's meh about things now, the army will NOT make it better. My ex boyfriend joined the army and when him and I were in contact it was always long hours and limited communication for him. And unless a relationship has a very strong foundation before a person joins the military, it will no doubt crumble with the strains military life puts on a relationship. And being LDR will make those things even worse, so great preparation is needed if she plans on you two being together with her in the army. You need to tell her this and explain to her that if she wants to be with you long term she needs to work on her behaviour.