Can't Keep Friends Longer Than A Year - What Am I Doing Wrong?

[raiinzen]

Hey, I need some perspective.

I'm a freshman in college and this has become such a problem that I am just at my wits end.

I am a really nice girl who I think sometimes might go too far to show how nice I am and that's why people get sick of me always offering to lend a hand?

I make acquaintances really easily, and "hey how's it going? Let's chat for 20 minutes before class!" type friends, but when it comes to making "Hey, let's do something this weekend" friends, I fail miserably.

I will give you two examples.

 

Example 1:

I just got back from winter break, back to college. Prior to the Fall semester ending, my friend M that I hung out with at least a dozen times over Fall semester and I made plans to get together, watch movies, celebrate surviving Fall semester party, and maybe we'd find a concert or something worth seeing.

Now, I helped her out over fall break by talking to her cousin whom she was really worried about who was dealing with feeling "ugly" because she knew I used to feel that way too (M and I talked about it casually 3-4 times prior to this,) so I spent the afternoon with M and her cousin about just enjoying life and letting how you look not dictate your life. M seemed to really appreciate it. I also did some other small favors for her.

Now, I know that favors isn't "the thing" to keeping friendships going, but at least I can say I know it's not selfishness, right?

Well, over break, I called her likeee.... once a week just to say "Hey, lets get together and have our Fall Survival Party" or "Hey, I heard that X movie wasn't bad, want to go see it?" Every time she was like "Yeah, but not today! I will call you tomorrow for sure!" and she never would. When I would call her the next day, she didn't answer.

I was feeling pretty hurt by the time I got back here and confused as to why everyone SAYS they will do things with me, but no one EVER follows through.

Example 2:

I met N in my junior year of high school. I went to a boarding type high school where we lived in dorms because I wanted to try something different after many bad experiences in middle school. So, N transferred in as a junior. We hung out, went to parties together, went clubbing, watched movies. We were "apartment" mates (with 4 other girls,) and we had a blast together.

I even thought of her and her girlfriend (she's lesbian) and I ran across something online (via stumbleupon) one day that I knew she would LOVE for valentines day. It was a simple idea, but I knew she would love it. So I showed the crafty gift idea to her GF, and I even helped her GF make the gifts for her (cupid arrows out of pixie sticks which are her favorite treats). They both loved the idea and I was glad that I thought to share the idea with her GF.

I drove her home to visit her family (3 hours away) at least 5 times over the semester when she wanted to go home but couldn't get a ride.

 

Well, I had to go home for the summer and I really wasn't looking forward to it. So, I asked N if we could get together at some point. I would pick her up and take her to the local Six-Flags type park, and gave her a couple other ideas. I don't THINK I came off as desperate. Is giving ideas desperate? Well, she gave me that super noncommittal shurg and a half "yeah.... that sounds good...." and I knew something was wrong. I didn't have any signs until that point that she was done with me, so I was super confused.

 

So I called her 3-4 times over the first two months of summer saying "hey, want to do something?" She never answered me. She ignored my FB messages, and basically quit talking to me. No reason, no explanation.

 

I am not sure if it's because I offer too many suggestions as for what we could do because I feel like if I don't offer something, they wont bother?

Maybe it's because I am basically always willing to help them out if I'm available?

Or maybe it's because I was born with a disability similar to cleft lip (but quite a bit worse) that left me with a number of scars on my face and blindness in my left eye? I sometimes wonder if maybe the fact that I can't see out of my left eye ultimately freaks them out? I don't know if this is just a desperate grasp for a conclusion on my part of a sad reality of the situation?

 

 

I'm honestly confused. I'm frustrated, exhausted, and defeated.

I'm not a sore loser AT ALL. I'm not the jealous type (minus one awkward thing I said with N when I laughed and said I'd live vicariously through her and her GF because I was feeling depressed, but that's the only awkward thing I said in the entire year of friendship,) I'm not an attention whore, I'm not a super goodie-two-shoes.....

 

Why don't girls at least be honest and mature enough to tell a girl what they did wrong before they basically ditch them? If I knew WTH I did wrong, I'd fix it.

I don't think I'm one of those " really awkward " people? According to my cousins who I feel like I can be honest with, they say I'm not one of those "super awkward" people.

 

I'm stumped.

Edited February 2, 2011 by raiinzen
Adding details

[green_tea]

I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. You sound like a really nice person and a great friend, and those two girls sound like users. There are a lot of people like that out there, from my experience. They are happy to accept favours, but when you need them to hang out or whatever, it is too much effort for them.

 

Don't let them get you down - just forget about them, move on and keep being yourself and making other friends.