smile95 Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I am 34 and single. I have had two 4 yr rerlationships that did not work out. I have this picture of a fairytale and I know that is making me too picky. I have a friend who is everything I ever wanted in a guy except for the fact that there are 0 sparks for me and he is a little bit quiet? Is this bcz we have been friends for so long that there are no sparks? He really likes me would do anything for me. We are good friends and he knows me so well. I know if I decide to go down this road, we would end up dating, but I feel like I am forcing it bcz I am 34 and unmarried! Am I just a silly girl that thinks there should be sparks and fireworks? Or should I be feeling that with "the one". Any advice would be great.... Link to post Share on other sites
spackle Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I think lots of people play safe, think this is a good guy/can provide for me. You're not the only one who has been accused of being picky, I'm 36 and feel the same way. But let's not forget that the person who we have immediate sparks with may not be the one we get on with best of all. Link to post Share on other sites
deebeechrisyo Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 Are you saying there are no sparks because he is a LITTLE bit quiet? Or are there other reasons you don't feel the attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 2, 2011 Author Share Posted February 2, 2011 I could deal with teh quietness...I am not sure why the sparks are not there. I wish they were. I have a mental list of things I look for (Likes kids, close to family, good values, etc) and he has them all, but I cannot seem to force the attraction. He is a good looking guy, but I do not feel a chemistry. Maybe bcz we have been friends for so long? He is a nice guy and would be a great husband one day, but I am struggling if I sacrifice the spark feeling for that.... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 2, 2011 Share Posted February 2, 2011 I am 34 and single. I have had two 4 yr rerlationships that did not work out. I have this picture of a fairytale and I know that is making me too picky. I have a friend who is everything I ever wanted in a guy except for the fact that there are 0 sparks for me and he is a little bit quiet? Is this bcz we have been friends for so long that there are no sparks? He really likes me would do anything for me. We are good friends and he knows me so well. I know if I decide to go down this road, we would end up dating, but I feel like I am forcing it bcz I am 34 and unmarried! Am I just a silly girl that thinks there should be sparks and fireworks? Or should I be feeling that with "the one". Any advice would be great.... What you're trying to "know" in advance is like trying to time the stock market and buy a certain stock at the very lowest price in the near future before selling it at the very highest price off in the distance. You just can't know those things. You're probably not giving yourself enough CREDIT for having maintained those 4-year relationships for 4 years each, when others around your world and around LS can't even boast a track record which shows even a passing interest in commitment. Males generally have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women whom they would not rather be dating/banging. So yeah, I am guessing that you are right in believing you could have him if you wanted to. The lack of "sparks" and "fireworks" in this case probably has more to do with the steady familiarity, and the lack of uncertainty about the male friend. If the online world hasn't taught us that the human mind thrives on painting ""perfection"" into our own image OF others, only to then slowly chisel away at the perfection, then what have we collectively gained from the internet beyond mere convenience? So instead of going out to a club and finding some random, statuesque male figure, getting his phone number and the fact that his stock broker is Merrill Lynch, and that his favorite hockey team is the Buffalo Sabres... (before racing home to sit by the phone while imagining the 'perfection' which forms his image in your mind)... you have the option of considering this male friend romantically... and you've already scraped away lots of the uncertainty. There just won't be the wild lows of finding out that he's a cross-dresser (or that he insists that you become one)... or the excited expectations of what kind of car the guy drives before you find out that it is an AMC Pacer. I think that is the excitement/fairytale that you are missing... (and it is not important in this case) Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Wow. Thank you. That was so true and really made me think. I build the people up online that I meet and then we meet and I am let down. I know a lot about this guy and he is a good person. I honestly am warped by shows likwe "the Bachelor" and other shows that portray perfect love. Some people tell me I need to lower my standards...I like to say I just need to be more realistic and realize that no one is perfect. The problem is I do not go out much and meet new people, so online is my only option and it has been a HORRIBLE experience for me so far... Thank you so much for your input....so you think it is possible that attraction can grow maybe if I look at him in a different light? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Wow. Thank you. That was so true and really made me think. I build the people up online that I meet and then we meet and I am let down. I know a lot about this guy and he is a good person. I honestly am warped by shows likwe "the Bachelor" and other shows that portray perfect love. Some people tell me I need to lower my standards...I like to say I just need to be more realistic and realize that no one is perfect. The problem is I do not go out much and meet new people, so online is my only option and it has been a HORRIBLE experience for me so far... Thank you so much for your input....so you think it is possible that attraction can grow maybe if I look at him in a different light? You feel you need to settle because you have done basically NO work in going out into the world and working for what you want. Online dating doesnt count. You actually have to start approaching guys in the right places to get what you want. You will never be personally satisfied until you start working on this. You have no sparks with this friend of yours because he doesnt posess the skills or traits that make women attracted to him. he doesnt "do it" for you, and he probably never will. What will wind up happening is that you will date him for a while and get let down. If you marry him, you will get divorced because youre bored and youre still looking at other guys. or you wind up duimping him at some point because someone who lights your fire comes along and makes you emotional. Dont waste this guys time, you will wind up hurting him. he will appreciate you, but you probably wont be fullfilled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Well where exactly do I meet people. I am in a new city know no one, so I do not go out unless it is with my Nieces and they are 3! I do not go to bars and clubs. Not my thing. Meeting someone out is no different than meeting them online in my opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 Meetups, volunteering, hobbies clubs, talks, adult education classes, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 The ironic part of my whole issue is that I love to be alone...I am very content and happy, but I also know I want a family one day. Society seems to hate that I do not NEED a man...if I could support a child alone, I would adopt in a second. I love children, so I am of course looking for Mr right. I will look for a group to join and give that a shot. I am an accountant and work long hours, but I should be able to find something on a weekend. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
deebeechrisyo Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 If you are basing what "true love" is off shows like The Bachelor, then you really do need to grow up. You have no sparks with this friend of yours because he doesnt posess the skills or traits that make women attracted to him. Right, because this one woman doesn't find him attractive obviously he is not able to make any woman attracted to him. Come on, that is ridiculous and it sounds very PUAish - it's always the guys' fault. In this specific case I would agree that being longtime friends obviously isn't going to lead him to the promised land with her Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 FYI-I never said I was basing true love on the Bachelor. I said my idea of love was warped by shows like that. They make everything look so perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 I have this picture of a fairytale and I know that is making me too picky. Am I just a silly girl that thinks there should be sparks and fireworks? Or should I be feeling that with "the one". My boyfriend is absolutely perfect - he's intelligent, kind, decent, trustworthy, fun to be with, enjoys the same things I do, has the same goals and values, shares some of my hobbies, has a good education and a stable job, is extremely hot in bed, and has the most beautiful smile. The first time he asked me out, I turned him down because I didn't feel a spark. Over the course of several months I got to know him as a friend, and I realized all his positive attributes and started to find him really attractive, and we subsequently got together. But I had to open myself up to the idea that there might be some romantic potential there, and it took a while for him to really grow on me. Since we got together he's grown on me even more as I've gotten to know him, his family, and all of the other things about him. I'm not saying that it would work this way for everyone; sometimes you just don't fancy someone and nothing can change your mind. But sometimes if you open yourself up to the possibilities and try to think of someone in a romantic way, it can work out between you. At the very least, it's worth giving this guy a chance - he might grow on you Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thank you Eeyore79 Nice to hear stories like that....I think I have him in the friend zone in my head and maybe I need to try and change that. I just do not want to go down this road and then ruin a friendship...plus we work together. Link to post Share on other sites
StalledGirl Posted February 3, 2011 Share Posted February 3, 2011 The ironic part of my whole issue is that I love to be alone...I am very content and happy, but I also know I want a family one day. Society seems to hate that I do not NEED a man...if I could support a child alone, I would adopt in a second. I love children, so I am of course looking for Mr right. Are you sure you do want a partner? Or just children? I'm single but wouldn't want a child without the father being involved , I don't blame this on society , I blame this on the fact that I like men romantically although if I end up alone i'll accept that too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Share Posted February 3, 2011 Good question. I love kids. I could do without the man, but I am pretty sure I say that only bcz I am losing faith in finding the right one...Ideally, I want a husband and father to my kids. If that is not in the cards for me without settling...I may just have to be happy with my Nieces. Link to post Share on other sites
Lipsy10 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I was in a simular situation years ago. I'd been single for a long time and was starting to think I'd never find a decent guy, so I turned my attentions to a male friend I'd known for years. I new he was interested in me but I just didn't feel the same way. BUT then I started to think "maybe I could learn to like him like that" "maybe I am being to picky". He was a perfectly decent guy. I realise now I was just desperate. Thats right desperate I was trying to force myself on a guy I didn't like because I knew he was a sure thing, an easy option. Luckily I didn't follow through. It never would have worked and to this day I can't beleive I actually considered it. I'm not saying your desperate but if you have to "force" your feelings for somebody then your really not meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 I do feel like I am forcing it, but was hoping that if I gave it a shot, my feelings would change. It is a sure thing. He is a good guy. I just feel like he is my brother...8( Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Face the fact that you would rather be alone and adopt a kid. If you marry some nice guy you will break his heart down the road when you are no longer in love. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 OP, if the aspects of this man do not inspire you, erase him as a dating prospect. Why would you want someone in your life who is not an inspiration, positive example and attractive? IOW, don't settle. If, through more life experience, *your* perspective changes, and such similar aspects of a man *become* inspirational, positive and attractive, then act on that perspective equally. Humans are a mixed bag; finding the healthy *and* attractive mix is the job. Give away too much on either and it's a pretty sure recipe for long-term pain. IMO, if unsure, be alone. Alone can be a very healthy place. This message brought to you by someone who did 'settle' and reaped the results of that choice. Accepted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 He is very attactive and positive example that is the problem...he is perfect in every way except there is not a spark for me. Chemistry is not there. I like to be alone. A little too much, but as I said before, I like to hope it is bcz I just have not met the right one that I enjoy being with...I suppose the only way I know if a spark will grow is to give it a shot. I just risk losing a good friend if it does not work out and I do not want him to think I am jerking him around. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 OP, when you say 'attractive', is this attractive as in any of your single girlfriends would jump him in a hot minute or that you personally *feel* he's attractive? Also, to assist me, how do you define 'chemistry is not there' relevant to 'being attractive'? A gross example would be he's great to f*ck but is dumb as a post. You'd go for the f*cking but the post dumbness kills the chemistry and you'd feel you 'settled' for great sex. IMO, if your intimacy and attraction style is that you feel attraction and chemistry immediately and it never varies from that path, that's your style. It's elemental. I doubt you'll be able to 'think' it differently. 'Giving him a chance' and 'waiting for the spark to grow' just aren't your style. That's OK. Examine the longest term and closest friendship you ever developed. I've got a few which are over 20 years old now, as an example. How did/does that work for you? How do you feel about it? If you didn't settle for anything but the most compatible and inspirational friends in your own unique style, a romantic partner should equally reflect your romantic style, whatever that is. Do you risk losing a good friend? Sure. That said, you have a good friend now and had one in the past. That's a really positive thing. Life is forever changing. Tomorrow is unknown. Yesterday is gone. What will you do today? Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 Thanks carhill...that gave me a lot to think about. He is attarctive as in all my friends are in love with him. He is hot. A fitness model. But I cannot force the spark and I wonder if it is bcz I have known him so long? I find him to be very good looking, but good looking does not always prodce a chemistry for me. Is that weird? Great example about looking at old friendships. I feel like as much as I want it to work, I just would not be happy. I know life is not a fairytale, but I also think that I should be excited to see the person and light up in a way... I could marry him and he would be a gret husband and father, but I do not think I would be in love... Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Thanks carhill...that gave me a lot to think about. He is attarctive as in all my friends are in love with him. He is hot. A fitness model. But I cannot force the spark and I wonder if it is bcz I have known him so long? I find him to be very good looking, but good looking does not always prodce a chemistry for me. Is that weird? Great example about looking at old friendships. I feel like as much as I want it to work, I just would not be happy. I know life is not a fairytale, but I also think that I should be excited to see the person and light up in a way... I could marry him and he would be a gret husband and father, but I do not think I would be in love... Judging by your posts, I do think you need to be a little bit more realistic. I think you should be excited to see the person you would want to spend your life with, but this is something that comes from getting to know that person in a romantic sense. When you are excited to see someone you barely know it's infatuation. Don't confuse infatuation with love. It's the same thing with this 'spark' thing. I have only met a handful of guys that I can say I had a 'spark' with right of the bat without any flirting, kissing, romance, etc. I didn't think I was attracted to my boyfriend at all when I first saw him, but he had all the qualities I was looking for in a partner so I was willing to give it a try. We kissed and I completely changed my mind about there being a spark between us. What I am trying to say is, don't expect some fairytale romance. They aren't real. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Well this is exactly why I posted to begin with...half of me says he is such a great guy and I need to just go for it and see if something develops and the other half thinks there should be that SPARK and I am just settling! Honestly, I get mixed answers from everyone and I cannot seem to figure it out for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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