Author smile95 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 I actaully do not agree. I am not settling. I am growing up and seeing that there is no prince charming and no one will be perfect. I was looking for the one that met all my needs and I know thre is no one that will do that. He is the one I always compare people to. He has all of the qualities I am looking for and I am going to give it a shot. If I search for the person that is perfect I will be alone a LONG time. We have not stepped out of the friend zone and that is why I think I have not thought of him in that way. I have to change the way I think. I do not want to look back in 10 yrs when I am 44 and think, what if? After talking to all of my married friends and family, I know the fireworks fade and that is not what is important in raising a family. When I have 2 kids and working, the last thing on my mind will be the sparks! I think you may look back in a fews yrs and realize there is no fairy tale and you passed up some pretty great women. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Indeed, nobody will be perfect - if by perfect you mean matching up to your image of your dream man. Your dream man is so perfect precisely because he is a dream. I would never have dreamed up someone like my boyfriend. My dream man is basically a handsome male version of myself! My boyfriend has so many wonderful qualities which it wouldn't even have occurred to me to dream about; he's entirely unlike me in so many ways, but so talented and amazing in his own right. He's fairly average looking (not movie-star handsome like my dream man) but his wonderfulness makes that kind of irrelevant. I would never have imagined a guy like him, but now I've got him I wouldn't trade him, not even for someone exactly like my dream man. I guess what I'm saying is that your dream man is unrealistic, and he was dreamed up based on your own knowledge and your own limitations. Someone who is entirely unlike your dream man could still turn out to be wonderful in ways you could never have dreamed. You just have to give people a chance! Letting go of your unrealistic dreams and finding fulfilment in reality is maturity, not settling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Thanks! I agree! I feel like I have grown up this week! The thought of someone other than him sparks my interest, but it is only bcz that is this unknown perfect person in my head that will always be perfect! Everyone will have something I will have to compromise about.. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 (edited) I actaully do not agree. I am not settling. I am growing up and seeing that there is no prince charming and no one will be perfect. ... I think you may look back in a fews yrs and realize there is no fairy tale and you passed up some pretty great women. I'm glad you've come to the conclusion that you're not settling. No one (including me) can tell you how you feel. Providing you can look him in the eye, say you love him and *honestly* mean it, then more power too you. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones, for whom real attraction and love blooms. I truly hope that's the case for you. As for myself, I have no doubt these are great women that I'm passing up. But I'm passing them up for good reason. I'm not ready to give up on the idea that I can have real, authentic feelings towards my some day wife. I can't look a woman in the eye and tell her I love her, when the most I feel is "strong like". One last thought.. http://au.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_300/371_please-dont-settle-for-us.html Edited February 21, 2011 by neowulf Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 [quote=Providing you can look him in the eye, say you love him and *honestly* mean it, then more power too you. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones, for whom real attraction and love blooms. I truly hope that's the case for you. /url] Thanks! Good luck to you! We all are different. Of course I cannot tell if I love him yet. We have not evern started dated, but I am hopeful. As a friend I care for him deeply already. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Oh and I read the link. I do not consider what I am doing settling at all. It is realizing that what I want has been in front of me all along. It took about 30 dates in 3 yrs to see that no one will have ALL of what I want and if I enjoy my time with someone and they are a good person, I am not sure what else I want...I have had the spark and it fades. I ask any couple that has been married longer than 10 yrs and they say there were 0 firewors. On the other hand, I know many divorced people that say all they had was a spark... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 If you don't feel you are settling then good but make sure that you plan to be truly commited to him because there is no worse feeling in the world for a man than knowing she settled for you. He ends up in a position where he is bending over backwards to win your love while you are cold as ice to him. Things really get bad when a woman meets a man she does feel a spark and she ends up cheating on him. Make sure you want to marry him so you don't put him through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 WOW...I would never cheat on anyone I was dating or married to! Gosh you people do not give me much credit. I have a feeling that all of the people that say I should wait for the spark are single! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 WOW...I would never cheat on anyone I was dating or married to! Gosh you people do not give me much credit. I have a feeling that all of the people that say I should wait for the spark are single! You say that now but just look at the divorce. It all started with women who married guys who made great companions and then they met the OM who gave them a spark they never felt before in their life. I am not saying you would do it but it happens so much these days it is like a cliche. To be honest part of me is thinking of him. Being married to a woman that settled for you is pure torture for a man. The scenario you want to enter into has all the makings of heartbreak. Women who do this are the kind who post on here talking about how they fell out of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I do not consider it settling like I said...so he would not feel that way. I have been single and finding myself for 5 yrs. Things that were important to me 5 yrs ago are not important now. I would actually tell him all of this. I have done some growing up and that is all it is. Letting go of the thought there there is a prince charming and he is going to sweep me off my feet and be perfect and live happily ever after. Any time I go on a date(and I have had several) I always think, "I would rather be with _____". That has to mean something. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 You might not think it is settling now but wait a few years down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 How are you so sure I will not grow to love him? I have not even been out with him yet? Are you in love with women before your first date? 5 yrs down the road, I may see him as a wonderful father and husband and love him more than I ever imagined. You must be a glass is half empty person. All I can do is try to go out and see how I feel. I certainly would never marry a man that I did not love... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 A couple of weeks in this thread you were saying you prefer to be alone and are more interested in a kid than the man and now you seem to want this guy. You don't see anything alarming about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Talking to other people in the last month and figuring out what I want has hit me hard. I do not want to be a single Mom. What I want is a typical family with a good man and father. Sure, I like to be alone, but I do want a family one day, so I need to find the right person for me. Not so much someone that makes a ton of money or is super hot, but someone with values and is a truly good person that I am compatible with. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 You said you don't want to be a single mom because of what other people think. This is not a good basis for a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Wrong...again...my views have changed now that I have figured out what I really want. I do not want to be a single Mom bcz I want my child to have a Dad like I had. I want to watch the bond between them and love them both together. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 OP I haven't read your entire thread but I can tell you that if there are no "sparks" now just wait and it will get worse. Woggle is right, once the routine of being married sets in you may feel you have made a mistake. Take it from a married woman, do not settle. Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 OP I haven't read your entire thread but I can tell you that if there are no "sparks" now just wait and it will get worse. Woggle is right, once the routine of being married sets in you may feel you have made a mistake. Take it from a married woman, do not settle. Sometimes there are sparks, it's just that we don't recognize them at first as being sparks. When we figure out what we really want and what is important to us, we may realize that what we thought were not sparks are in fact lots of sparks. Sounds like the OP is going through this transition now as she gets clarity on what she wants in her life and what qualities are important to her. The bolded part applies whether or not there are "sparks" initially. If anything, the routine of marriage will make it even harder for those who rely too much on initial "sparks". When the sparks fade, those people are disheartened because they never built up any real skills to support the marriage. Some people think that the sparks will last forever. But, even with sparks, it will get routine and boring. It's not the sparks that will get them through those times, it's knowing what one really wants, and having love and mutual respect for each other. OP, keep doing what you are doing. Sounds like you are figuring out what you really want in life. You are on the right track. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Westrock you are so right...I am figuring it out now and it just took a while....I agree with all that you wrote. My whole point was I do not NEED sparks but I was wondering where the heck they were...I am finding that other things about him are the "sparks" not in a "hit me over the head" kinda way...thanks again...I guess it is a little late to figure all this out, but better at 34 than 44 Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 TBH I can think of a lot of rich single engineers that I would gladly "settle" with. They say you marry the first time for love and the second time for money. I did the love thing and he runnoft. I would prefer to love the second man I marry but if I start really feeling desperate I have a pretty laid back attitude about someone as long as they treat me well. Maybe the love will "grow" or maybe I will just play with all the new shineys he can buy me Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 At least date him for a year before you make any real decision. I don'ty mean to insult you but I can just picture him on here some time from now crying because you gave him the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 woggle, I would for sure wait that long...I have known him for 5 yrs, so I know him pretty well I think and I will not be shocked about much. For me, the challenge will be getting him out of the friend zone. It is a mind thing I am finding. I just have to change the way I view him. A lot of people tell me that the best relationships start as friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 I hope you prove me wrong. I really do but this does not sound good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 I can why to someone who does not know me would think that. Just know that I have done a lot of soul searching learning over the last month. Maybe you will be right, but I am hoping that you are not. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I don't know you but I know what you were saying just a few pages back in this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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