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34 and I feel like I need to settle..Do we all settle in the end?


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I don't think you have to immediately jump into something with this guy. What's wrong with going on a date and seeing if something could possibly be there? But before doing that, you need to try to see him outside of just being your friend and look at him as someone you could potentially have a relationship with. If you aren't open to the possibility of something being there then you would just be wasting both of your time.

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heartshaped- That is what I am figuring out now. We work together too, so it is a little trciky...We dated 5 yrs ago, but it was bad timing as I was still stuck on someone else. Maybe we just go to dinner and I see how I feel without telling him I am thinking about going down this road. He gets very excited quickly and I do not want that to happen and then I decide I am not feeling it.

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I'm 42 and I've tried the "settling" thing in my 30's as I was afraid I'd end up 40 and alone. Well, I still ended up 40 and alone and felt even more jaded for having wasted time and energy into guys I wasn't into.

 

The guys you settle for will only make you hunger for the guy you really want. Being with a guy you're not into is more depressing than being alone because it only reinforces how much you don't have the guy you really could be into.

 

Don't waste time with guys you aren't into. Instead put every ounce of energy you have into self improvement and sending out positive energy so that you can have the guy you want/need.

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I honestly am warped by shows likwe "the Bachelor" and other shows that portray perfect love.

Just thought I'd point this out to you and other women who may share the same belief.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bachelor_%28TV_series%29

 

As of the end of season 14, none of the bachelors has married the woman to whom he presented the final rose. The season 13 bachelor (Jason) ended up marrying his season's runner-up in February 2010; to this point, it is the only Bachelor season to result directly in marriage.

------------

Perfect love?

 

14 seasons and not one couple has gotten married. Perfect lust more like it.

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Duckduckgoose

If you are already friends then you already have that good solid foundation built up to make a successful marriage. A spouse is supposed to be a lot of things, and friends is the biggest of them.

 

This is gonna sound crude of me, but if you **** him a few times you might find some sparks. Dunno if its a good idea but it may jump start some feelings... or it might wreck a friendship.

 

Maybe talk to him about moving things forward? I know a lot of people who married their "best friend". Maybe I should get me a friend like that!

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If I'm going to base my life on the Bachelor, I would literally have to expose my private life to the public, suffer public criticism and have my name being used in a Jay Leno joke. Really, now, if you're going to base your life on a fairy tale, might as well just go Disney. I heard Prince Harry is looking, now all you have to do is move across the pond.

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If I'm going to base my life on the Bachelor, I would literally have to expose my private life to the public, suffer public criticism and have my name being used in a Jay Leno joke. Really, now, if you're going to base your life on a fairy tale, might as well just go Disney. I heard Prince Harry is looking, now all you have to do is move across the pond.

 

This is very true. I believe the majority of reality shows are scripted so a person who bases their life on it is settling themselves for disappointment. The Bachelor is as fake as pro wrestling.

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Duckduckgoose

I stopped watching TV when reality shows became popular. Glad I did too, as it seems people are starting to be deluded by the smoke and mirrors and drama of it all.

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I stopped watching TV when reality shows became popular. Glad I did too, as it seems people are starting to be deluded by the smoke and mirrors and drama of it all.

 

I agree with this. The only reality shows I like are ones like Pawn Stars that are not based on pushing drama that some people actually find appealing. I think many people in this society are losing the ability to tell the difference between reality and fantasy.

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I always find it interesting when someone says they have found a potential partner who has everything they would ever want, and then reject the person on the basis that they are bored with the person and there is no "spark". Both men and women do this.

 

Do they have to "settle" for "no spark" in order to get married and have a family? No. But, to me that means they need to examine what factors constitute a "spark" for them.

 

Shows like the The Bachelor skew the entire idea of what constitutes "spark". They are always doing adrenalin rush type of activities. It makes for great tv, but what constitutes a "spark" on that show would never last in day-to-day real life and what happens in day-to-day real life would be "boring" in the context of The Bachelor setting.

 

I've seen people who confuse drama as being spark. Bad boys cause a lot of drama. The good guys don't cause drama. The woman may actualy just be feeling an adrenalin rush from the stress of the drama, but that's not spark. Unfortunately, when they meet someone who does not cause drama, there is no stress, no adrenalin, and the person wrongly concludes the person is "boring" and therefore no spark.

 

OP, what you need to do is open yourself up to new ways of identifying whether there is a spark. Identify what is realy important to you. You said that one day you would like to have a family.

 

Ideally, I want a husband and father to my kids. If that is not in the cards for me without settling...I may just have to be happy with my Nieces.

 

Write out what qualities in your mind a guy would have to have to be a great husband and father to your kids. Look beyond physical attributes, and focus on character attributes. If a guy has those qualities, then that is the spark.

 

For example, a guy may be in a job where he gets to travel all over the country constantly. This may sound exciting to a single person, but, if he's constantly away, what kind of husband and father will he be if he's rarely present? On the other hand, a guy who has a respectable local job who coaches little league after work may sound boring, but he may make a great husband and father.

 

I have a few friends who are just your typical "nice guys" that were always overlooked when they were single. Interestingly, once they married, many women would ask their wives how they found such a "nice guy" who is so attentive to her and their kids. Did the wife settle? No. She just changed her idea as to what constituted the "spark".

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[quote

I have a few friends who are just your typical "nice guys" that were always overlooked when they were single. Interestingly, once they married, many women would ask their wives how they found such a "nice guy" who is so attentive to her and their kids. Did the wife settle? No. She just changed her idea as to what constituted the "spark".

 

I find this to be very interesting....Eventhough I feel a little silly, maybe I will try the list and see what comes of it. Just off the top of my head, I know he has about 90% of what I am loooking for. I meet all these other people that I think I will connect with and what I "thought" I always wanted, but always realize after that maybe it is not what I wanted at all. My thoughts always go back to this guy after bad dates and I have to figure out if that is me getting scared and settling or if that is me being realistic...

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I disagree with those who say give him a chance. If you are not 100% sure don't go for him only to break his heart later on down the road.

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I find this to be very interesting....Eventhough I feel a little silly, maybe I will try the list and see what comes of it. Just off the top of my head, I know he has about 90% of what I am loooking for. I meet all these other people that I think I will connect with and what I "thought" I always wanted, but always realize after that maybe it is not what I wanted at all. My thoughts always go back to this guy after bad dates and I have to figure out if that is me getting scared and settling or if that is me being realistic...

 

Yes, make the list.

 

What people think they want when they are single often does not match up what they really want once they are married.

 

If a guy has 90% of what you're looking for, you are not going to get much better than that.

 

Imagine you found a guy who matched 100% of what you are looking for. Would it be fair if you weren't 100% of what he's looking for? We are never going to get 100% of what we want. The key is to decide whether the 90% you are getting is enough for you and whether the missing 10% are dealbreakers.

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I disagree with those who say give him a chance. If you are not 100% sure don't go for him only to break his heart later on down the road.

 

100% sure of what exactly?

 

If the guy has 90% of what she wants, and the missing 10% are not dealbreakers, then she should treat that as being 100% sure.

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100% sure of what exactly?

 

If the guy has 90% of what she wants, and the missing 10% are not dealbreakers, then she should treat that as being 100% sure.

 

And then years later down the road she breaks his heart and splits her family apart because she doesn't have those in love feelings.

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And then years later down the road she breaks his heart and splits her family apart because she doesn't have those in love feelings.

You don't know that.

 

If someone does find someone with 100% of what they want, then they will be in for a huge disappointment because what they want change, and also people change and then they will no longer be 100% of what the other partner wants. Then what?

 

It's a fantasy that thinking if we find a person who has 100% of what we want then that means we will have a successful relationship.

Edited by westrock
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I have had enough experiences to know that no one is perfect and I will have to accept faults, as will he. But even if on paper someone is perfect(or almost), I still feel like there has to be some connection or chemistry. I guess my main question was...can spark form after a while if I have known him so long and that appears to be only something I will figure out. I pretty much only know him in a work setting, so my hope was that things could change...I am carefully thinking about it all before I even mention this to him. He is a sweet guy and the last thing I want is to make things awkward bcz I cannot figure this out...

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So you've been daydreaming about a co-worker, whom you haven't dated, and have come to the conclusion that there is no chemistry between you two?

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So you've been daydreaming about a co-worker, whom you haven't dated, and have come to the conclusion that there is no chemistry between you two?

 

No..We dated 5 yrs ago for 2 months, but I was still stuck on someone else, so it ended...5 yrs passed and we became great friends and I can see he is a good person, I just do not have that "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling, but he has great qualities and is still into me...

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I just do not have that "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling, but he has great qualities and is still into me...

Do women really expect to feel that with guys before they've done anything together? Is it some sort of requirement before she even considers dating somebody?

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Do women really expect to feel that with guys before they've done anything together? Is it some sort of requirement before she even considers dating somebody?

 

I would like to know the answer to this....With the guy I dated for several yrs...I felt this way about him the moment I met him and that is why I am looking for it again...however, my friends like to point out that I was drunk the night I met him. :rolleyes:

 

Maybe not "rip you clothes off", but aren't you supposed to feel some kind of attraction after knowing them 5 yrs!

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So you've never had sex with him and you are concluding that there is no chemistry between you two?

 

I do not need to have sex to feel chemistry or the connection I am looking for. I am talking about a chemistry and an attraction...I do not even have the desire to have sex with him...that is the problem...

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I would like to know the answer to this....With the guy I dated for several yrs...I felt this way about him the moment I met him and that is why I am looking for it again...however, my friends like to point out that I was drunk the night I met him. :rolleyes:

LOL! :lmao:

 

Go out for some drinks with your guy friend. Get a bit tipsy and kiss him. Come back here and tell us how it went.

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LOL! :lmao:

 

Go out for some drinks with your guy friend. Get a bit tipsy and kiss him. Come back here and tell us how it went.

 

HAHA! That made me LOL. Thanks! Not a bad idea! I could solve this issue in a night!!!

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