somedude81 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Might as well try it. It is probably the fastest way to find out if you have any undisclosed desires about him. If you feel nothing at all after that, then you have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 Might as well try it. It is probably the fastest way to find out if you have any undisclosed desires about him. If you feel nothing at all after that, then you have your answer. THis is true, but then I have to deal with seeing him daily and feeling awkward at work if I feel nothing and he is going to be all excited. He is one of those that I give an inch and he takes a mile!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Have a great night out with him! And remember this... YOU make love, not your body. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Or you could just have great sex. Again... YOU make great sex, not your body. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 I can see he is a good person, I just do not have that "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling, but he has great qualities and is still into me... So you don't have that mindless animal lust for him? How long does that last, really? Mindless animal lust? There is a lot more to being married than that. What happens when the mindless animal lust from another man fades and you don't feel that "spark" anymore? It will fade, please believe it. All the guys I had mindless animal lust for... I am not with anymore or never dated them just messed around some. That's where it gets you after a while. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 THis is true, but then I have to deal with seeing him daily and feeling awkward at work if I feel nothing and he is going to be all excited. He is one of those that I give an inch and he takes a mile!!! Yeah, the coworker thing makes it really complicated. I do hope you figure out what's best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 "The guys you settle for will only make you hunger for the guy you really want. Being with a guy you're not into is more depressing than being alone because it only reinforces how much you don't have the guy you really could be into." I absolutely agree with the above quote by sunsetred I couldn't have said it better. I too have tried dating guys I wasn't really into and it's so hard--it drains all your emotional energy to try and like someone you don't really like. I'm now 31 with no prospects of a man, but at least I'm happy. It's SOOO depressing trying to date someone you don't feel attracted to. You just start to resent them even though they've done nothing wrong. I personally don't think sparks spontaneously happen with someone they haven't happened with in the past. Would you even be asking this question if you had met someone who you do feel "chemistry" with? Of course not. IMO, you will waste your time and his by trying to date him. Why not just remain friends. If the spark somehow magically happens, great. If not, then you're still just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 (edited) I have a few friends who are just your typical "nice guys" that were always overlooked when they were single. Interestingly, once they married, many women would ask their wives how they found such a "nice guy" who is so attentive to her and their kids. Did the wife settle? No. She just changed her idea as to what constituted the "spark". The qualities that make a good boyfriend are not the same qualities that make a good husband. You may want an exciting boyfriend who's out doing fun stuff and socializing all the time and having hot sex with you, but he's not the ideal candidate to help you save for a house and raise kids and have a lasting, loving relationship. As I've gotten older I've found that my idea of "attractive" has changed - I'm no longer impressed by guys who go out partying and drinking all the time, I'm looking for someone more loving and trustworthy and stable. I guess you could say I'm attracted to "husband material" guys now, whereas before the only thing on my radar was how hot and fun a guy was. Edited February 13, 2011 by Eeyore79 Link to post Share on other sites
westrock Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 The qualities that make a good boyfriend are not the same qualities that make a good husband. You may want an exciting boyfriend who's out doing fun stuff and socializing all the time and having hot sex with you, but he's not the ideal candidate to help you save for a house and raise kids and have a lasting, loving relationship. As I've gotten older I've found that my idea of "attractive" has changed - I'm no longer impressed by guys who go out partying and drinking all the time, I'm looking for someone more loving and trustworthy and stable. I guess you could say I'm attracted to "husband material" guys now, whereas before the only thing on my radar was how hot and fun a guy was. Eeyore79.. I agree 100% with what you wrote. I wish more singles would have the same perspective. I think some people reach a cross roads and have this internal struggle. They stuggle with the idea that giving up on the "hot and fun" men and going for the "husband material" men means they are somehow "settling" but what is really happening is they are maturing. Unfortunately, I think for some singles they realize it too late or don't realize it at all and then they wonder why all the good guys are taken. But in reality, they had just as much chance with the "husband material" guys when they were younger but passed them up. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 No..We dated 5 yrs ago for 2 months, but I was still stuck on someone else, so it ended...5 yrs passed and we became great friends and I can see he is a good person, I just do not have that "I want to rip your clothes off" feeling, but he has great qualities and is still into me... Go out for some drinks with your guy friend. Get a bit tipsy and kiss him. Come back here and tell us how it went. HAHA! That made me LOL. Thanks! Not a bad idea! I could solve this issue in a night!!! You've dated in the past and there was some bad timing. The kissing him is a good first start and go from there. My question is, what did YOU feel or do when your "friend" was seeing someone? I was in a similar situation with a woman. I liked her and she, like you, was on the edge. Well I started to see someone, that threw her off that she no longer had my attention. So I'm putting it out there, how did you feel when he was seeing someone? Maybe that can help shed some light on this. If you felt nothing then probably let him be and go find another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 The qualities that make a good boyfriend are not the same qualities that make a good husband. You may want an exciting boyfriend who's out doing fun stuff and socializing all the time and having hot sex with you, but he's not the ideal candidate to help you save for a house and raise kids and have a lasting, loving relationship. As I've gotten older I've found that my idea of "attractive" has changed - I'm no longer impressed by guys who go out partying and drinking all the time, I'm looking for someone more loving and trustworthy and stable. I guess you could say I'm attracted to "husband material" guys now, whereas before the only thing on my radar was how hot and fun a guy was. I have NEVER been attracted to anyone that goes out and drinks all the time. I want the responsible good guy, but I need a spark! He does not have to be hot, I just have to feel a connection with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 13, 2011 Author Share Posted February 13, 2011 You've dated in the past and there was some bad timing. The kissing him is a good first start and go from there. My question is, what did YOU feel or do when your "friend" was seeing someone? I was in a similar situation with a woman. I liked her and she, like you, was on the edge. Well I started to see someone, that threw her off that she no longer had my attention. So I'm putting it out there, how did you feel when he was seeing someone? Maybe that can help shed some light on this. If you felt nothing then probably let him be and go find another guy. He has not dated anyone since me...I would maybe feel a little jealous if he did or felt like I missed my shot.... Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 14, 2011 Share Posted February 14, 2011 He has not dated anyone since me...I would maybe feel a little jealous if he did or felt like I missed my shot.... Sounds like you should give him a chance. Or better yet let him make a move. Kiss him and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
CoralRain Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 What kind of chemistry are you talking about? You have to have some kind of chemistry with him or you wouldn't have been his friend for so long. If it is sexual chemistry, then why would you expect to feel that if you are "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 What kind of chemistry are you talking about? You have to have some kind of chemistry with him or you wouldn't have been his friend for so long. If it is sexual chemistry, then why would you expect to feel that if you are "friends". Ya know part of the problem is that I have only had 2 "real" relationships in my 34 yrs. Both were 4 yrs long each. I am not that experienced in dating and have not REALLY had a bf in about 5 yrs. SO part of this is that I do not know what I am supposed to feel. Part of me thinks...why would I feel chemistry since I have known him so long? Part of me feels like the "one" should make me feel giddy? I guess I am just confused and inexperienced on what I "should" feel. In the 5 yrs I was single, I built up this great guy in my head that I will marry and I am starting to understand no one is perfect and I am learning. I think I need to give it a shot with him, but it is tricky since we work together and he gets REALLY excited and his hopes us, so maybe we just go to lunch one day and I can go from there..... Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 He has not dated anyone since me...I would maybe feel a little jealous if he did or felt like I missed my shot.... If you genuinely didn't care about him, you wouldn't feel jealous if he dated someone else. I felt something similar myself - a guy asked me out and I turned him down because a)He wasn't really my type, and b)I was casually seeing someone else. Then I got incredibly jealous when he expressed an interest in someone else, even though I had a boyfriend. To cut a long story short, I dumped my boyfriend and started dating this other guy - he's the best boyfriend ever, and I could never have imagined the level of attraction that has grown between us since we got together Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Eeyore- So you did not feel a strong attraction at first, but it grew over time? Another thing that bothers me is that it is too easy...he makes it very clear he is into me and I kinda like the chase. I would have to have a talk with him about how he is a little clingy, but that could solve one of my issues with him....I have thought about it a lot and overthought about it so I guess I just need to take a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 (edited) Eeyore- So you did not feel a strong attraction at first, but it grew over time? Another thing that bothers me is that it is too easy...he makes it very clear he is into me and I kinda like the chase. I would have to have a talk with him about how he is a little clingy, but that could solve one of my issues with him....I have thought about it a lot and overthought about it so I guess I just need to take a chance. No, I didn't feel a strong attraction to my bf. I liked him and wanted to be friends with him, but was wary about giving him the wrong impression, since I knew he fancied me and I didn't reciprocate the feeling. I was actually attracted to someone else, an extremely handsome man with whom I felt that "spark". So I dated Mr Handsome and tried to be friends with my (future) bf. Fast forward several months - Mr Handsome, while he ticked all the boxes and there was definitely a spark of physical attraction, nevertheless turned out to be a complete idiot who was incapable of being faithful or decent or loving. He was pretty, but he made me extremely unhappy. At the same time, my future bf appeared to be less interested in me and expressed an interest in another girl (who thankfully wasn't interested in him). This situation made me incredibly jealous, and the contrast between my (handsome loser) current bf and my (wonderful) future bf was all too apparent. It was like: I'm miserable with this handsome idiot who doesn't love me, and here's this lovely guy right in front of me, who obviously has all the love in the world to give to someone - what the hell am I doing? So I dumped Mr Handsome and decided to pursue my future bf before I lost him for good I'll admit that even when we first started dating I was a little unsure whether I was attracted to him. I could see he was an amazing person and a good friend, and I didn't want to lose him, but I wasn't 100% sure that I fancied him. However I definitely wanted to give it a try, and that attraction increasingly built over a period of weeks/months as I grew to love him Looking at our relationship now, I think it's my love for him that makes me find him attractive. I can see he isn't movie star handsome, but I love all his imperfections because they're his, if that makes any sense. He's reliable, decent, trustworthy, my best friend, and that's worth so much more (and is so much more attractive!) than a pretty face. I feel safe and secure with him, and for once I'm actually happy - there's no drama, no game playing, we're just spending our lives together. A pretty face never made me happy like being truly loved does Edited February 16, 2011 by Eeyore79 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I have had enough experiences to know that no one is perfect and I will have to accept faults, as will he. But even if on paper someone is perfect(or almost), I still feel like there has to be some connection or chemistry. I guess my main question was...can spark form after a while if I have known him so long and that appears to be only something I will figure out. I pretty much only know him in a work setting, so my hope was that things could change...I am carefully thinking about it all before I even mention this to him. He is a sweet guy and the last thing I want is to make things awkward bcz I cannot figure this out... OK, lets imagine a world where the male lover's man meat is the only source of a woman's sexual pleasure (envision fireworks having both the appearance and name related to a 'volcano'). When that volcano erupts, affected females just melt into a puddle somehow. That is to say that a woman herself has just about "nothing" to do with her own sexual pleasure (in that, the imaginary world we just created). For contrast, consider that indeed a woman's sexual pleasure as well as her intrigue over a romantic partnership originates in at least some small part from within herself. IF indeed there are more variables at work than whether the fuse lights on the volcano firework, then it is certainly sensible that some of the chemistry you seek can be caused to originate from yourself. Some of your indifference over this potential partner results from the perception that you DO know lots and lots of his details, and that there aren't so many surprises. That all makes perfect sense - especially in this online world where in 5 minutes any of us can avail ourselves of some phantom being whose 3 known details can enable us to paint the fairytale of our choosing into the rest of the 'blank'. I am wondering whether you yourself can attain a place of much greater personal/emotional vulnerability much earlier than is the norm just beCAUSE you are so considerably familiar with this guy relative to how unfamiliar most couples are at the beginning. Your *spark* may result from a more prominent level of risking your vulnerability on him (because you feel 'safer' in so doing). (tangent: consider how compelling women often are in online chatroom environments... because they have the relative 'safety' of that "off" button at the lower left, and need not endure being harrassed and being treated rudely by men. Nor do they generally have to fear for their physical safety while merely expressing themselves. Now let me opine that... all of those women aren't exactly "hot" by societal standards... BUT because they are in an environment wherein they can {show more vulnerability than the average girl on the street} they are able to seem and feel plenty *hot* in the moment) If the tangent didn't make sense to you, then consider moments of raw sexual pleasure you've known... and recall how many of those originated ( not from the 'volcano' eruption, but) from your own daring in exposing some of your sexual/physical vulnerability while trusting a partner (who proved to want nothing more than to please you). Finally, the great relationships are NOT made of the lowly 'bad boys' whose train-wreck personalities just compel you to keep watching in case they crash right in front of your eyes. The great relationships are made of the steady sorts who allow themselves the company of other steady sorts. I really can appreciate the seeming 'pressure' of being a woman single at 34... and while in some ways it feels like an "all or nothing" pursuit of (some vision you created at about age 12 or so)... in reality you pass through your life and ADJUST your expectations and standards as you EVOLVE from one week to the next. It is NOT all-or-nothing... and LOTS of the rewards you will evolve to receive shall originate from deep within you. I hope this makes sense! Link to post Share on other sites
motherlover Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 In both your 4yr relationships, did you never have sparks flying? or were you just settling then too? i am 25. and up until i was 23 i started feeling the same way. i had never had a serious relationship, and never had that crazy spark for any gf like you see in the movies, i remember asking my mom if we all end up settling, or if there truley is that certain one that will fulfill your fairytail ending. She said that everyone is after that fairytail relationship, and that there is no such thing, and that we all just settle lol. However i found out on my own just 3 months after that talk. i had found a girl, that in just 2weeks of hanging out with her, i felt cmpletely overwhelmed with that warm fuzzy feeling, and sparks were flying like never before, i thought i had absolutely found the one that i was going to be with till death do us part. Everyday i was so thankful i had found the one, and that life was as good as it gets. this went on for 7months. with everyday growing stronger, then one day she stop answering my calls, found out a week later that she had cheated on me, and hooked back up with an ex. Obviously this was devistating, and went through the whole broken heart phase. But what really got me down about it, was that it took 7years of dating before i found someone i fell in love with. and i just hope it doesn't take another 7 years to get the feeling again.. what i'm getting at, is I simply believe some find that certain one, and go on with there fairytail love. and most end up settling.. Im at the point in my life, where i am done with relationships that have no future, if i dont see myself marrying them then i will move on to the next. i am so tired of spending money on someone elses wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 In both your 4yr relationships, did you never have sparks flying? or were you just settling then too? The first was puppy love. I was 18 and I did think I would marry him, but what did I know? He turned ut to abuse me and hurt me and cheat on me...so we had sparks, but not the kind I am looking for at age 34. The 2nd there were TONS of sparks, but to be honest, he was a jerk. Not there for me emotionally...it was a long distance thing, so anytime we met it was a fiarytale. In an airport, on vacation,etc, but it was not REAL life. I am reading a great book now. It is about how we pass up the good ones and look for that spark and the ppl with the spark are not the marriage material and that if I wait 10 more yrs for Mr Right, stats show I will be alone....it is making me think. I am not going to "settle", but I for sure am seeing my friend in a new light. All the important things are there with him and in 10 yrs when I have 2 kids, spark will not even be a factor. Thanks for sharing your story. I guess the fireworks are maybe not a good sign.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 1 more thing...I also read that we are always wanting more more more and better and wonder if there is something better, but even if there is a perfect one for us...who is to say we will find them and they will like us? Also that if I have been single for so long, I need to change it up. Do opposite of what I have been doing. It kinda scared me a little bcz it interviews womenin their 40s that say they should have married the "good guy" with no sparks in their 30s....I do not consider me settlting, I think of it as growing up and seeing what is important to have a realtionship like my parents did... Link to post Share on other sites
Green_eyes Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 (edited) I've been following this thread for a while now, and maybe it is time to post. I think the "spark" is important - but it doesn't always hit you straight away. If you are really thinking about settling down with someone, then I would venture to say that friendship is more important than the spark - at least initially. That dizzy passion that comes with a new relationship doesn't last forever, but the friendship will. Not that I'm an expert by any means! Looking back to when I met my ex-wife, there wasn't an instant "wow!" factor that blew my socks off - but I do remember feeling that this was just the sort of person that I really wanted to get to know. There was a very definite spark between us, but that developed over time. I had thirteen of the best years of my life with her - before my personal life turned into the complete train wreck that it is now , but that's another story. Having read this post again, I suppose I had better summarise what I am getting at. The long and short of it is that if this guy really does care for you, and you like him as a friend, then why not give it a try and see where it leads. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out - you haven't really got a lot to loose. Fingers crossed for you, you're really lucky - I wish there was a girl in my life who really liked me, and would do anything for me (your words ) Edited February 17, 2011 by Green_eyes Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 [quote=Having read this post again, I suppose I had better summarise what I am getting at. The long and short of it is that if this guy really does care for you, and you like him as a friend, then why not give it a try and see where it leads. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out - you haven't really got a lot to loose. Fingers crossed for you, you're really lucky - I wish there was a girl in my life who really liked me, and would do anything for me (your words ) Thank you! This book I am reading has really opened my eyes. He is my best guy friend and the one I turn to. We know each other well and share a lot. I am going to give it a shot! Friendship is a great foundation and he has great qualities I am looking for. You are right, if it does not work out...then it does not, but at least I know and can say I tried and stop wondering.... Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 This thread struck a cord with me. Since turning 30 (I'm 32 now), I've found I started to try and take a more "practical" view of dating. I've dated girls I had *zero* initial attraction for to try and "build" something with them, because each has been kind, decent, caring women. In each case, it plays out the same way. They eventually end up falling in love, while my heart stays cold. They end up caring very deeply for me and while I do my best to treat them well, to be a good parther/boyfriend, I feel no strong feelings towards them or attachment. I've come to understand that *this* behaviour, is settling. I've also made a promise to myself to break the pattern. Because l believe 'settling' is ultimately selfish and cruel. Choosing a wife like you choose a item off the shelf isn't fair on the other person. Surely people deserve husbands and wives who can say "I love you" and actually *mean* it. Deep down in their hearts. I'm not going to try and tell you how you should feel. Only you can decide what really matters to you in the long run. My personal opinion is this. I'm *only* going to marry a women I have unique feelings for. Notice I didn't say "spark", or "fireworks" or even "warm and fuzzy", but there has to be something about her and the relationship that sets it above all others. That's become my new mantra for choosing the women I date. If there's nothing about the person that sets them apart, then why are you dating them in the first place? If things aren't happening between you and your friend, it's because your attraction to him simply isn't strong enough. There's no shame or guilt in that. The world is a huge place, with MILLIONS of people in it. Don't give up. Link to post Share on other sites
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